Pressure, Mountains & Cups of tea

Life has got super hectic, as i attempt to poorly balance some sort of ‘all of a sudden’ work schedule with bambinoism. For some reason i believe that if i had a fish tank and a velvet pink bed sheet, encrusted with diamonds, life would be easier. But really i’m just trying to ‘staple punch’ the bits and pieces together, armed with a bad hair do and a cuppa tea. It’s really hard. *Lets the walls crumble in.* You can’t do anything when you don’t have the right hair for it.

So yeah…i’m under a great deal of pressure right now. *Tries to shimmie it out-but completely loses her ooh laa.*My heads all a haze, due to me fearing the once loved limelight i craved. I have the book and small opportunities arising now, that if worked the right way could plonk me in a place of glory. Yet although i’m a showman, the light of ‘lime’ is something that now terrifies me? How has this occured? I think it’s because once i entered it for my good two minutes, i had never been so judged, torn apart and emotionally egged. However, i think i just need to concetrate on the positive, and that is the free stuff you get, the smiling and waving, the money and i guess the inspiring. I like the inspiring. Infact more than i ever thought i would. (I know, i even make myself sick.)

Loverboy and i had a little falling out last night. Infact a BIG one. One where i get stressed about work and life and cleverly take it out on him. Yippeee! It takes a strong man to be with me. I weed out the faint hearted with my Wunna bullshit. (It comes with feather dusters and tickle sticks…yet still is somewhat torturous.) My hormones (the voices) wanted me to be mean to him because i thought he didn’t love me. So after a bicker, a struggle and a ‘Big Brother Nicky’ Tantrum…i called, then apologized and surrendered to the good in me. How dare i! (God i need another cuppa tea!) *Snaps fingers for an imaginary assistant.* I was awful. Really awful. A proper good time bitcheroo! ‘Hellooo pregasaurus. I see you have returned.

Loverboy is venturing off to the Lake District in order to find his inner peace. (Code for ‘i’ve stressed him out completely.’) I’m obviously good like that. Men love me so much, that I make them need to run for the hills…literally. 🙂 (‘Chrissie, i love you. But you are hard work at times.’) He thinks that i test his love for me, every now and again. I’ve noticied that it’s only once a month..which pretty much just means hormonal. I love him. I do. yet i fear being controlled by a ‘handsome.’ Thank God he can put up with me. (‘I’ll always forgive you.’)

So whilst he’s ‘running.’ I’m getting my *work* head on during the two day little piece of absence. Y’see the pregnancy is driving me mildy insane. *Scrapes other people’s party streamers off the floor* It’s a difficult thing to attempt sober and BBc3 want to film my journey. I’M INSANE!!! MENTALLY! Is this the right thing to do? I could be the next Kerry Katona…before she got well.

 Currently, I look like a tramp or angry asian lady who sells ‘almost dead’ chickens in Soho to tourists, loudly and in chicken smoke. I’m meant to be a Glamour puss. I’ve called upon the help of my gays to aid me through this. I mean, i wanted Mikey Kardashian to ‘doll’ me up and make me feel human once more. Unfortunately, and although he loves me…he has soiled sheets that he needs to tend to. Ones that he’s apparently ‘sexed out.’ Oh those were the days! Everyone keeps telling me how much they miss me and how dull life has become without my presence at the ‘party.‘ Yet when i need a bit of lipgloss…cum stains seem to come before me!!! 🙂 I’ve taught you all well!

Funny how Loverboy is off to de-stress and rejuvenate by lakes? I’m one to usually find myself moped over some neon lit bar, beating away undesirables, crying into an empty martini, whilst they play my favourite sad songs, around shirtless dancing boys, who like my leopard print heels. He’s going to climb a mountain to prove his undying love for me. Aww…nice touch. Especially since my LA Latin ex is stalking him…makes me look great. I should climb some sort of love mountain…but…well i did and now i’m preggo. *Firmly Closes legs.* I always wanted to ‘adventure’ and to feel free and to do life my way. I guess i did. But I just took it a bit too far! Whoopee! (I really need to STOP watching all those MTV ‘Teen mom’ shows. It’s putting me off having babies…even though i’m 29. I am aware that that IS the whole point to the show, yet the fact that i still believe i’m 16 is worrying. Plus, it’s a bit late now, as i have mine chilling inside me. When in doubt, get ‘House Bunny’ out. That and the ‘Fabulous’ song from High School Musical 2…are the only things that make me happy. As would a fish tank…but only if i didn’t have to clean it.

Work wise, i’m meant to be sending my actual work schedule to Ross for the BBc thing, so they can have a ponder and see what they might want to film. I haven’t managed to get a hold of it yet…so that hasn’t been done. *Hurry-hurry*

Tomorrow i have my meeting in Manchester for my book formatting thing. I’m terrified, due to the pressure. It makes me feel a bit snowed under in Autumn. But only because i so want it to work. If i could sell millions of books, and do nothing else in life…i’d be a happy Puss in stockings. Yet my life is never that easy! I’m always having to scramble over rocks and bumps ungracefully. You really can achieve anything you want to. If your struggling, then you might aswell keep it up. I mean you’ll get there in the end, if you stay focussed. I think of all the time i’ve had to struggle and thought well i can’t give up now, because it would’ve made all that time a complete dirty waste. Finally after years i’ve been given a green-ish light. I want to write and i want to be dead good at it. I’ve realized i can only do this drunk.

Other than all that, i’ve enrolled in acting school. I’ve already been to acting school in LA, yet never in England. So i’m going to have a bit of a dabble. I think i’d be alright at it. Plus, it is initially want i wanted to be in life…an actor. Therefore it’ll make me smile, if nothing else. I’m not looking for big time movie stardom. I’m happy. I just want to pull a pint at The Rovers and gossip about Emily Bishop. You have to make sure you have a go at everything, don’t you? I can’t think of anything funnier.

 The only way to be a good actor is to live. When i was in Hollywood, i hadn’t yet. Now i have utter life experience. Therefore why not? It’ll keep me busy. Keep me happy. (Did i tell you that Loverboy would like me to be a housewife so that i don’t run off with anyone else? Aaah that sweet swwet moment of possession. I might even end up in a cage like Katie Holmes? How fun. He’s got nothing to worry about. I don’t do running. I *strut* ignorantly. I think i’ve started to terrify him. I love preggo insecure me. It’s funny.)

Oh i’ve also tried to sausage in and score me a place on a Channel 4 sketch comedy show. I quite enjoy a bit of sketch comedy because i’m a  fan of sheer silliness. Especially sheer silliness for money. I’m ballsy and find my tragic self inappropriately hilarious, so i figured it’s worth a shot. I can rock and roll my pretty self to some kind of victory. I have boobs and everything. I call them my deal closers. You hear ‘No.’ I hear, ‘But have you not seen my bare boobs?’ Saying that it could all be too late. They start filming in a week.

So yeah life is good. When i blog i feel better. I mean i couldn’t get online all day yesterday and i was quite a miserable cow of ‘imaginable.’ I was ready to throw myself off a block of flats, simply for entertainment. I’m a modern day computer geek. Who can only use a computer if Wazza has told me what to do?

Although i’m feeling under pressure and bit terrified with the walls all a crumbling. (Not sure why potential ‘limelight’ is scaring me?) I’m trying my hardest to stay as sane as possible. It can work. Anything can work. I’m keeping my head down and eye on the prize. But first…the baby.

This part of my life, i’ve filed under ‘Stressed.’

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