‘Heart vs Stubborness.’
Well…here i am with a ‘handsome’ and a cranberry juice, after what i call a weekend of lesson learning and that good old friend of mine, called ‘Drama.’ So without me going into too much of it all, as when life throws hardcore dramatics at you, you sort of kinda want to keep it to yourself and dip it in ‘*hush-hush.* Now, we all know this isn’t how i usually operate. However, i’m much older, wiser and preggo these days, meaning for once i’m thinking about the feeling of others, rather than my pretty little self. *Champagne for everyone,*
Okay, so i’ve been having a really Christmasy time and been enjoying it thoroughly with my gorgeous little girl, who not only finally knows what Christmas is all about, yet believes Santa is evil all at the same time…unless he buys her a Furby. I’m enjoying this part of Motherhood, as hearing her little voice and seeing how chatty she is, makes me melt into a glitzy little goo ball. But this Christmas is all about love, family, stuffing my face and tinsel. (D’ya know what? I’ll give you a gist of the drama…which i do want to add had nothing to do with my Baby Ruby, (who was away with Pete wearing headbands and singing to Taylor Swift tracks) but i did find myself calling the police at 7.30pm 2 nights ago and then having them in my home. Nothing more to be said on the matter…. It was just one of those times where it’s almost as if you’re watching your life from above, like it’s a movie. That night certainly ended in tears, but it was weirdly drizzled in sequinned happy moments with Rubes, who found her way back to me…The crazy thing about my life is that you can have truely horrid moments, with really amazing bits of joy occur at once, in one swoop of a rollercoaster. And just as you think the drama was all done…and it ended really quickly and simply got sorted….i was kindly greeted with more.)
The next morning Keiran and i decided to be really childish and have an argument so big you find yourself being stood up above him, as he’s laid on the sofa under a zebra blanket telling him to leave, out of anger. It was one of those moments where i knew i didn’t want him to leave. My heart loved and still loves him more than ever. It aches for him madly, yet there i was in the picture of us pointing at the door and saying things i didn’t mean, out of pride and stubborness. That moment was mixed in with a moment where he didn’t want to leave, as his heart ached and longed for me, yet again out of pride and stubborness found himself getting up of the sofa and packing up all of his stuff.
The next half hour was about silence and packing. He put everything he owned in boxes and i even helped, as he began loading up his van and surrendering away our relationship. The entire time i didn’t want him to go, but i didn’t say anything. I watched and helped him pack. The entire time he didn’t want to go, but he still continued to say nothing and pack up his entire life into the back of the van and i mean EVERYTHING, like this time i thought….this was it.
After that half hour, i could no longer watch him pack and he seemed to have disappeared, so i sauntered up stairs, half bitchy, half calm and saw him on the loo, pants my his ankles doing a poo. I walked towards him and said, ‘i can’t watch this anymore, so i’m going to head out, Just leave the door open when you leave.’ I then kissed him on the cheek and hugged him. His body did not respond to me, so i grabbed my phone, went on a walk and called my therapist. (A bit of spiritual guidance doesn’t go a miss, however it can be a waste if they are telling you things you already now. An expensive waste.)
Cupid just wanted us to be under the same roof, so he decided to make my battery die on me, as i was stood outside a random person’s house chatting out my problems. I enjoy how i choose to be mentally and personally gathered…publically. So anyway, i ended up having to go back home and watching him pack more…in fact watch him leave my life. 🙁 I was sooo sad, but had told him to go, so i was to blame…plus i wasn’t even stopping it.
I sauntered back in with my phone in my hand and my charger in the other hand. I secretly wanted to be home anyway, as i wanted to see him and be near him even if it really was going to be final. To my surprise, he was sat on the sofa with everything left that he owned in boxes and piles around him, staring forward, numb looking and no longer aggressively packing.
I saw him, my heart felt love for him…but i looked at him, walked straight by him and went upstairs. He began to aggressively pack once more. Then i knew he was really going….as i recharged and got the therapist back on the phone.
10 minutes later, after leaving him to ‘get on with it,’ i walked downstairs to actually make a cuppa tea. I was in the kitchen and he was in the living room and all i heard was a ‘put the kettle on Chrissie.’ I did just that and asked him what he wanted. As we were play acting tea making and being weird, out of nowhere he says ‘what are we doing,’ I immediately fill up. I looked into the living room from the kitchen and saw all his boxes packed. He was in the final moments of leaving. ‘What are we doing, Chrissie?’
I said nothing and quickly ran to the downstairs loo for a tissue. He then said ‘did u hear me?’ I dabbed my eyes and slowly walked into the living room, looked at him (he was looking away…well forward) and said ‘just the same old shit we always do to each other.’
He looked at me and said, ‘it’s stupid, i’m sat here about to leave with all my stuff packed and i don’t want to leave.’ I cried and said i needed a cuddle and in that moment with everything my husband owned either out the house, in the back of the van or boxed up in the living room, we stood up ‘hugged’ in the middle of it all and told each other how much we loved each other. I was in tears. In fact we couldn’t have been more in love than in that moment.
I finally told him i never wanted him to leave and he said the novelty of an impulse decision had worn off an hour ago and he was packing for mo reason, knowing we were going to be together and knowing he wanted to be with me forever.
We breathed…we loved,…vowed never to be stupid like this again and then we went to lunch. (To Boyzone tracks.)
I guess what you learn is that pride and stubborness is not something worth giving up your love for someone or something. Or you learn that if you are truely in love, your heart will always override your pride or stubborness. As we both believe, that if you truely love someone, than your pride will never mean more to you than them. When it does, it was never ‘forever’ love.
We know how lucky we are and how important family is. It’s something that a lot of people strive to find in life. We have it all and we forgot to embrace it for a moment. But from that moment we never appreciated each other any more than we did then. The rest of the day was filled with love, but the real kind that means ‘forever.’ We lunched, we loved and talked about our future….drained..but in love.
There was no point in all the drama afterall…why ruin a great thing, simply because you have a strong head. We’re both rulers, we’re both similar and demand respect…we find it hard as we often have our powers clash, yet if we used our strengths to do great things, it would be better than destroying each other. We get it now…and well that night we put Baby Ruby to bed, ate junk food together and jelly beans, watched ‘Mr & Mrs Smith,’ and had great sex that night! 🙂
We are back to fairytale and we love it. (We could’ve almost lost everything, but in the nick of time…we grew up.)
Lesson learnt. We’re idiots aren’t we! I thought he only didn’t leave coz he was too lazy to pack anymore. 🙂