Rock bottom is soooooo 2006.

Morning my goodies!! I’ve just popped the kettle on, and i’m raring to go!! I’m feeling very positive today, so lets all rejoice and ‘bring out the banners.’ I just recieved a disturbing email from a someone who i’ll name, ‘oh you’re depressed again…what a surprise?’ I guess they have been unable to contact me due to serious save the world issues like binge drinking, drugs and depression. I mean we’ve all had our joyous time on the stoney cold pebbley hell hole floor, also known as ‘Rock bottom,’ one or twice in our lives, yet it seems to me this person is a permanant resident, and the subject is soooooooooooo ‘tired.’ All i’m going to say is, ‘BOUNCE BACK’ ability is what makes you successful in life and not wallowing in self pity. For a young girl, i’ve been through a lot, yet when i fell all the way down to the dirty bottom, i seemed to hit the ground with a giant, McTHUD and bound back up again in 3 seconds flat, and that takes genius, hence my Queen of Greatness title. Things are only as bad as you make them. So i tend not to dwell on sadness or those who are sad. Infact, i try to make them happy, yet my jester like qualities fail to amuse. By all means feel it, (and that’s the pain, and not the’privates,’ the quicker you do, the quicker it is to get over it right?? Yet please do, have the balls (yee-haa cowboy)  to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and tango your way back up to the top, however this time with even better Va Voom. Nobody wants to date the guy at ‘Rock bottom,’ its just dirty, and so 2006. Me no likey! Gives me the heebie jeebies. Plus i think the term ‘Rock bottom,’ is now just a flowery excuse for people who don’t want to be winners??? (Did i say it right?? hahaha)

Yet saying that, ‘Oh your depressed again,’ could just be claiming that he’s been depressed… in order to avoid me, (not too pleasant) and make me feel sorry for him, (even worse.) Either way, i still have the better tan, so yeah see…lifes still good, there’s always a positive, and i’m enjoying every second breath.

Now for my coffee, and my hours of vocal training. I love it!! Life is grand!!

I am the biggest light weight right now…it sucks!!

Fuzzy headed. I love mixed drinks, yet they always seem to make me feel like crap. I can”’ t party like i use to too, and i don’t know why?? England (after LA) is like rehab. I’m much happier yet really quite rubbish at ‘boozey nights.’ If i am too, saunter back over to la la land soon, i really need to beable to mix all drinks, drink them, not feel hungover, and at the same time as being a size zero. ( i’m not a size zero, and i still can’t hold a cocktail…i’m doomed.)

Anyway, i’m feeling lovely, i’m feeling sexy and after another day of shopping, buying other people phones, and sore feet…i think a giant rest is in order before i start revving up the work engine again. I have been working non-stop, and i love it, yet in order to avoid nervous breakdowns, RESTS are to be taken inbetween each massive work marathon. I had a lovely posh lunch today with the Great Wunna before me, and my darling younger sibling, yet trying to disguise my fuzzy head was a wee bit tedious. I think everyone noticed, as i ordered a coke with my salad, and not a glass of Vino. Oh the shock!! I’m a light weight, yet a cheap date boys…wink wink….well not really…i’m extremely high maintenance, yet not financially more emotionally!!

I’m currently drinking a bitter lemon and vodka, as it’s all i could find in the cupboard within my reach, i’m only 5ft 4. (all good things except for giant pink cars, and ice-cream trucks come in small packages.) I’m only drinking the bitter lemon vodka, in dying hope that my ‘immune system to booze’ will become superhero strong. Note, this may sound bizarro to you yet i’m not the only person in the world who does it. Its always better then having one drink, gaining beer goggles, and ending up spread eagle, on some poor ugly sods bedroom floor. I’ll at least beable to have two before i’m so drunk i let him take advantage if my sweet nature.

I need to go…kisses

I wish i was on a hot date

I just got back form ‘Race night’ with the boys of the secret hand shake club. I won the grand total of £3. My horse came in first, yet i only bet a £1…haha . Basically i was in a room, in my full glamour puss glory, and i really do mean FULL pussy glory…i looked divine and like i should’ve worn way more clothes, yet i try to never feel embarassed, glamour pusses, (incase ur hoping to be one when u grow up??) never get embarrassed, even at the most embarassing times. Anyway, there was ME, a bunch of old men, a plate of pie and peas, horse racing, booze, and a plate of pie and peas!! Note, i really am a fat bitch now, the curves have got to go…as theres too many of them and in all the wrong places!

Other than that, i had a great day. It was a day of spending money for no reason. I usually don’t enjoy these days as i’m really quite tight (ooh-darling.) Yet, i splurged, bought an outfit or two, and now will no longer be spending until, i really need something. I have some major jobs coming up, a major audition coming up, and my body really needs to at least try and co-operate with the shedding of the pounds operation. I mean, u know ur too fat to wear an outfit when, u can’t sit down, without chaffing your inside part, and potentially ripping your dress open…and not good kind ‘ripping your dress open.’

The shit thing about today was that everyone was very coupley. I was very not, as my ‘other part to my couple’ is not picking up his phone after i sent him cold hard cash….what a surprise. Apparently his phone has broken….hmm…ofcourse it has darling. Why do i always end up with the shit ‘can’t do anything’ guys! It’s my own fault, i pick’em…haha. I met 2 hot guys today, yet both were attached to girls. One was quite devoted, however,the other, was staring at my clevage, winking at me and asking me out behind the girls back. He was cute, kind of a ‘not as handsome version’ of my LA friend Ryan. I didn’t fancy him though, i just felt like being flirty, because i haven’t flirted in ages, or been on a date. Infact, ‘not as handsome version of Ryan,’ just made me miss ‘real life handsome ryan.’ Typical.

I’m starting to get the attention i would get in LA now, whilst strutting the streets, and although, i like it a lot, i am definitely missing my friends out there. If my latin lover  ‘his phone has apparently broken,’ just got his shit together,  i would be there… by now. Ugh!! SUCKS!!

I’m a drunk dialer and thats NOT hot

Hi Lovers, i have spent the morning dancing around infront of mirrors to various poppy themed tunes, and thats ‘poppy’ as in ‘music genre’, and not as in ‘ opium flower.’ You should try it… it’s endless fun, (and that’s the ‘dancing around’ for no particular reason that’s fun…, and not the ‘opium poppy.’) Oh god, i’ve already got off to a shakey blog writng start…it’s the 17 cups of coffee i’ve had, after a night of one million and one vodka & bitter lemons!!

I’ve found that i’m a drunk dialer….y’know, one of those dosey tarts, that has a shot in her, and decides to make random phones to people she hasn’t called in a million years, and bosses of companies who will now be listenning to the voicemails and thinking i’m a dizzy lunatic. Yeah, DRUNK DIALING is not HOT ever. I must remember to teach my daughter that, when i decide to have one…haha. Its the ‘Paris Hilton’ book i’m reading, it needs to come with a ‘caution’, or warning sticker stamped upon it, stating the side effects you will recieve during the process of reading the book. I’m definitely drinking more, and saying ‘HOT’ way too much. Slippery slope!

My life is great, and i’m feeling wonderful today, divine and full of life. I’m feeling very strong, very social and like i can conquer the universe. Plus, i have a great face on today, with always makes me feel better. I guess, it’s been a day of looking back at all the fun i’ve had, smiling  and cracking up at the fact that i’m probably going to enjoy making all those mistakes ALL over again!! I’ve been a rebel, a party Queen, i’m now a glamour puss, and the stories i can tell are ridiculously hilarious…now ( at the time they sucked.) I also feel lucky, as i seem to have managed to get away with a lot!! I’m still standing, and still the Queen of all things GREAT, and have a reputation that is priceless!! hahahahaha

i need to make more coffee and eat. I’m on this crap ‘not eating as much’ diet, and it makes me a little moodier than usual. Its all filed under ‘good times baby yeah.’ I’m missing my friends in LA, yet loving the time that i’m having here!! I feel so lucky and i’m not taking anything for granted!! (apart for the things that i’m totally taking for granted…) I’m bubbling over with ‘joie de vivre’ (is that even the right phrase??) Whocares, life is grand, i’m i’m Happy bitches happy!!

Now for that coffee, i need to stay awake as i’m off to Meadowhall tonight ( a tip for the stalkers)..haha, it’s late night shopping and dinner at ‘Nandos’ with the fam. We like to go when it’s quiet, almost closing and not so devastatingly busy, my mum claims, less people stare at the table and squeeze their imaginary boobs at me. She’s quite feisty and always feels the need to get up and say something!! Hilarious!! OOh i’m hungry now!

My left boobie aches!!

Hello, my Darlings!! I know i haven’t been checking in as frequently as i should however, i have been busy taking my top off for fine earned pences, and for ofcourse, YOU…my lovely fans with penis’s!! Hurrah!! However, ofcourse, if you do not have a penis, please do feel free to enjoy my photos of sheer boobie delight…they like girls! Wouldn’t it be fun if you could suck up beer form a pint glass with your nipple?? (Random thought of the day…and yes therapy is calling.)

Anyway, i have been as busy as a bee, not that bees are busy as I, yet …whatever, i’ve been working a LOT, and i LOVE it!! Superstardom here i come. Infact, i am actually at work now, wearing rugged jeans, dogtags, and no bra. I think i’m supposed to be re-doing my hair, or something modelly like that… however emailing (because i’m not allowed to) has got the better of me. (Rebel yell, rebel yell.) But shit, my left boob hurts like hell for some reason?? It kills!! It aches!!! Like really really bad aches. Am i dying? I hope not, as that would suck! Anyhow, the dying will have to wait until after the shoot…right?? Lol…or i won’t get paid!! haha

I have just watched footage of me, prancing aorund in my undies, at a bar.. that is going up in ana all over a  club. Its good, but i look fat.  I have ralso just ead one chapter of a book called, ‘Paris Hilton,’ hahaha, (my edumacation rocks) AND i am the new proud owner of a baby pink blackberry. The guy that sold it to me, said he knew me from somewhere, (i’m getting it a lot lately from pretty much everyone and i likey) infact he told me his whole life story during a credit check, he then told me he had just broken up with his girlfriend of 4 years, after buying her a pair of boobs. I laughed, and told him, he  basically ‘bought them for some other guy to play with!!’ (hahaha) He blushed a little and began his, ‘i think i’m gonna ask Chrissie Wunna out’ spiel, (i can always tell, you men do a certain face, …it makes me very nervous) so although he was delightful, i snatched my pink phone and ran for the hills, or Starbucks…same difference!! I did actually also have a 10kg bag of basmati rice with me…lol..it was GREATNESS, well not really as it was ‘loser.’ I must have looked so ‘asian slut, with her ‘got to have’ ration of rice’ baggage. Wait that IS greatness!! Shit, my boob still hurts!! And i mean really fucking hurts!! How am i supposed to deal with the pain of a boob job, if i can’t even deal with the pain of my normal boobs??

Whatelse, oh, i’ll be on my merry way to LA in a couple months, well for summer, and just as i prepared my mind for it, i get a call back for a big audition, that would develop me further, and make me loadsa money, (no, its not dirty you pervs, it’s music for kids) if i get through, rehearsals begin August, which leaves my arse in Great Britain for  wee widdly bit.

I need a drink, and i am actually supposed to be working right now!! I love you. Infact, i think i need to make time for a coffee, and a little ‘fiddle in the middle,’ before the next round of camera flashes!! Va Voom bitche. Va VOOM!!

Bring back the Glamour in girls!!

Where have all the glamour girls gone?? Okay, so i’m the kind of girl that makes 100% effort to look glam or overly’done up’ 24/7, and for no other reason that looking glam, and ‘done up,’ because it’s just the girly i am, it’s the way i think girls should be, plus, i’m a desparate attention whore, and a complete show-off…..therefore ofcourse i have to always give the boys, something to talk about. Why not right?? Don’t blame me, blame my upbringing or the Gods, or the boogie??? (Wow, so many things to take the blame life is good.)

Anyway, what was i saying?? Oh yeah, i’ve just walked the afternoon streets, and peeked at the girlies who work in travel agencies, beauty stores, behind a desk, at the bank etc…and i was horrified to see, makeup- less females, with greasey hair, tied up in 4 different coloured material scrunchies, with scratched off nail polish, and a look on their face which would scare a badgers arse. Don’t get me wrong, and i’m not being judgemental ( hahah, i totally am, ) but the glamour in girls needs to be brought back.  Bosses secretaries, should not be hired based on word per minute, but based on how sexy-secretary like they can look and act, whilst doing their job, same with air stewards, same with Houswives. Any girl that has a girl like job, should be dressed to the ‘oooh laaaas’, should work the Glam, and should beable to bamboozle a man with a single look of her eye and a 2 second pop of her shirt…. like they use to in the old days. The girls working in banks then, looked like Pin-up models, who cashed your checks by day, yet gracefully paddled naked, in bubble baths, drinking champagne with you.. by night!! They did not look like they hadn’t seen a bath tub or a tanning salon in years, have 5 screaming children to feed, and had just woken up in the dodgey gutter on time to get to work, after a boozer, the night before!!!

Glamour is back in, and the sooner people realise it the better. Girls really you should know this, YOU WILL GET FREE DINNERS, presents, and proposals. I get ragged on a lot, for the way i look, or the way i dress, or the way i talk or the fact that i’m wearing a tiny skirt, or the way my face is done, when ‘….we’re only to the grocery store dear.’ However, i say, ‘fuck that,’ i’m a girl, and i LOVE being a girl, so i celebrate it with a touch of glamour puss..and that my darlings is how i get laid!

God i’m knackered now. i need tea. I just had a sandwich from Marks and Spencers, and it never goes down right, without a cuppa tea does it?? I’ll have to see if my slaves can fix me one!! Kisses

London is Fabulous, and work is Divine

And i’m back from my fabulous working trip in the Capital..the Old smoke…London town. I have endured early mornings, late nights, 3 hour hair and makeup sessions, and pure ‘star treatment.’ I went to shoot a movie, and i basically had to wake up at 3am in the morning, after going to bed at 1 am, the night before, only to get thrown into a lush pink polka dot dressing gown, and puffy white slippers, whilst professionals, armed with beauty supplies and brushes, painted my face & pulled upon my locks from 7am- 10am, whilst offering me bacon butties, cups of tea, then re-powdering my lips like demons on acid!!

I felt like a superstar, and got to work with superstars, so yes, i’m pretty chuffed!!! The director, was LOVELY, the cast we’re soooooo sweet to me, and i met a skinnier than me, preganant blond girl who had her fake, but looked sooo natural boob job, done by jordans doctor, on Harley street. She was an air hostess, and looked divine, ( as in Splendiferous, and not as in Hugh Grants prozzie.) Fun times!! I LOVE MY JOB!! Getting my boobs out, and strangley has really semmed to plummet me up the ladder of greatness. If i knew that before, i would’ve gotten them out when i was 12…lol. It has opened heavy doors that we’re previously tightly closed or slammed in my pretty but ‘don’t call us, we’ll call you’ face.. I mean, i just did a proper film, and even thought the role was small and my acting is far from Oscar worthy..haha…i still can’t believe it…which therfore means, i’m officially ACE!!!! Oh.. but on the way home, i did actually get trapped at Leciester Square staion, in a non-moving tube, during a bomb threat. It was all very panicky, people we’re rushing around like headless chickens and i thought i was probably going to die, yet figured at least i had great hair, good shoes on, and had just filmed a movie… yet it’s ashame my surroundings smelt like ‘homeless’ and pee?? Not a good way to go out. I laughed all the way through my ‘almost’ merry death, then, God decided to cut me some slack, and made my train, zoom off to safety!! Sucks for the ones that got left behind…hahaha. God likes girls who get out their knockers!!

Anyway, whats up with you?? Sorry, i’ve been gone for so long, yet this bitch has got to make her fine earned pences, in order to reach stardom, and pay da bills..hahahaha!! I love you all, and i’m feeling finer than EVER!! I should be back in action right now, and i will be…yet in the meantime, i’m concentrating on ‘Boob job.’ Oooh la laaaaa!!

Women know women know women

Getting ready to set off to London tomorrow, which means a great deal of grooming has taken place. Hair has been pulled, skin has been tanned, eyelashed extended, and wardrobe, (or lack of it) has been fitted. I guess, a lot more goes into everything than anyone would think?? I’m a gilrie girl, and have always been one to do my whole face, dress like a superstar, and tan, everyday of my normal life, and even i sometimes find it quite tedious. Oh the joys of Glamour pussing. Purr…. I think, i just don’t like grooming, when i ‘have’ to…i like to choose to groom. One day i’ll learn to be a great deal more obediant, but not today, as being rebellious is what makes me HOT boys!!! HOT!! And there’s nothing better than a girl that needs taming, yet resists the ‘tame.’ (holla)

I still have more tanning to do, more rumaging through knicker drawers, AND more giving my good friend, love life advice. My advice is usually shit, but i’ve dated soooooooooooooooooooooooo frequently, that maybe i will know a thing or three. Men, women, completely different. Thats the key to success!! Don’t try and figure the other species out, just play alongside them. My ‘Latin Lover’ says he’s learnt everything he needs to know about women from a gay man. Umm…??? I say, no wonder i’m complaining!! You can’t learn about women from a GAY man!! They don’t know what it’s like to be a woman. They are GAY men, they know about gay men relationships, and how to be a hot chicks Bff, not how to make a girl shag them or want them!!! My gay friends chringe at the thought of eating me out!! YOu can only learn about women from women, and quote…;WOMEN..not just one. You have to have had relationships with so many different types of women to really understand us a little bit better.

I’ve dated zillions of fellas, from all over the land and from various walks of life ( a little too various)…hahaha, and yeah it’s told me a lot more about men than i ever really wanted to know!! The t-shirt wasn’t worth getting!!

Anyway, i do have to go tan a wee bit more, and spank my monkey slaves. Stay tuned!! And if i disappear over the next few days, i’m not dead, i just went to London!

 Why do i have the ‘Grand old Duke of york’ going through my head??? And what was the point to that nursery rhyme?? ‘…he had 10,000 men….he marched them up to the top of the hill, and he marched them down again??’ Then think of he rest of the rhyme…..The Grand old duke of York…..lazy bastard!! haha  He could’ve done a lot more with 10,000 men…

I love a juicy arse!!

Nothing is more delicious than the role played by ‘Brad Pitt Arse, ‘ in the movie ‘Troy.’ Now thats some talent!! I have watched then rewatched, and watched one more time for the greatest of luck, and i think…yes, if a man came attached to a ‘warrior’ arse as GREAT as that one of Mr.Pitt’s, i would quite possibly be forced to marry him….and immediately!! And when i say ‘him’, i do mean the’ arse’… any man, provided he’s a warrior, can come attached to it. Ofcourse it would be nice if it was Brad Pitt, but something tells me he’s got more important things, like adopting hundreds more, of the ‘Jolie-Pitt’ children.. to tend too. Ho hum!! God i love a juicy piece of Brad Pitt, Troy, BOTTOM. Feed me!!

Life is great as of right now. Even though i do feel it’s being played with by a boy who is failing to Impress me (same story different face) I travel to London on Thursday, to shoot the movie i was telling you about. It’s meant to be a decent one days work, and decent it will be methinks…. i’m so excited!! Yet i still can’t wait to get back to LA!! I’m hoping the pieces to the puzzle of my life, will finally fit together with ease, grace and a truck load of hot pink. I kind of need it too as of now. But i’m a lucky girl, so we’ll see what life throws at me!! I’m happy!! Hope you are too!!

My computer is still being a tart, yet is working a little faster now, after a giant bollocking!! However, it did decide to make the ‘C’ key, not work unless it is pressed a million and two times. Which is quite a misfortune when you’re name begins with the letter, ‘C.’ ( sooooo dysfunctional Sesame street.)

Anyway, my hotties! Thankyou for your constant support, it does mean a great deal, and i adore you all…however note to self boys: i will adore you more if you buy me DIAMONDS!!

 

And she’s back bitches

Morning my fluffpups. I did actually wake up feeling like a maungey cow, yet after listenning to the soothing sounds of Gareth Gates, with the Kumars…hahahaha…i now feel and once a again like the Ultimate Queen of Greatness! hahahaha. I’ve played it 17 times, and performed it 17 different ways, in a giant  luxurious mirror, draped in diamonds and gold!! YES!!

So yeah, i’m happy, i’m strong, i’m about to take over the world, and i’m probably going to do it as ungracefully as possible!! Champion!! I’m feeling adored, mischievious, and full of Va Voooooom. All it took was a little bit of ‘Kumar/Gareth Gates’ excitement!! Odd little 3 way?? I guess, the workings to ‘Christina Wunna’ are a lot less complicated that one would imagine.

Hopefully i’ll beable to check in later, (if my computer plays ‘nice bitch’) as i urgently need coffee, and i not so urgently (haha) need to attend a mound of modelley meetings!! I’m hoping to be back in LA for the Summer, so i’ve decided to make the most of the UK, whilst i’m here…as i always miss it when i’m there!! Its funny, i feel like i’ve been picked up and replanted over and over again, during the last 2 years! It’s been fun, yet this little girly needs a vital dosage of the ‘Grow up.’ I’m noticing that, in order for a flower like me, to bloom to it’s fullest flowery potential… i need a big ‘think root’ (ooh laa), that masterfully secures me in the greatest growing patch of soil goddamit!! Therefore thats what will happen. Hurrah…birng in the dancing girls!!

 I love you! I need coffee!!