Happy happy McJoy bitches!

Woke up this morning as happy as can be, i do have a little bit of a sore throat, ( and no i don’t need any penis, sore throat remedies…lol,) but apart from that little treat of soreness, i’m feeling quite quite wonderful. I look great, i feel, great, therefore I am GREAT!! Lets all worship me, and be done!!! (ooh…. my backs starting to hurt a little too…, it’s like i’m in the Wars…. but by accident!)

It’s a lovely day today, sun is out, skies are blue, yet i seem to not know whether, i’m a little girl, trying to do ‘big girl,’ things?? Or whether, i’m a ‘Big girl,’ doing ‘little girl,’ things, but do i really care??? Nooooooooooooo!! I’m a hot girl, who poses provocatively for a camera, with her ‘Mcjiggy’s’ out, ( i hear the cheering!) Lets’ rejoice, and say the Lords prayer!! I  love being the Queen of Greatness, because when you have such a title, ANYTHING you do, is pretty much, GREAT!!! And anyone who says, anything different, gets their head chopped off, or fed to the angry lions!! Mwahaha! (i’m not on drugs, just on coffee.)

I don’t know why i’m so happy today?? Maybe because i feel so loved?? All i keep remembering, is a flash back of being at a bar in LA, a hot gay man asking me, ‘where i got that body from?’ ( i was dressed as a belly dancer.) Then, out of nowhere, a choir boy chorus of lovely buff ‘wish they weren’t gay’ men, in the pinkest of shirts, and in unison, sang out, ‘She got it from her Mama, she got it from her mama…’ It’s my happy thought of the day!! And it’s important to have a happy thought, as good things really don’t happen to those who ‘wait’, ( don’t know who invented that saying…the TWAT,) they happen to people with ‘Happy thoughts’…honest!!

 I just got a bit of news from an LA pal, i’ll call him, ‘should really eat more,’ and he’s usually quite miserable, and he should be.. as really shit things happen to him ALL the time. However, today he is HAPPY!! Which makes me happy!! Unfortunatley he told me about another one of my friends, i’ll call him, ‘thinks he’s hotter than what he really is,’ who seemed to be sitting in a car, late last night, looking really PISSED OFF at the world, due to a distinct lack of parking spaces! It’s hilarious because, the last time i saw him, 6 months ago… he was in the exact same place, doing the exact same miserable ‘ i have no parking spot’ face! He’s probably been there the whole entire time?? Although, he never talks to me now, after accidently sending me a text message, telling me he wanted to play with my ‘ pink lobster taco.’ He sent it to the wrong ‘Christina,’ in his phone!! hahahaha Hilarious!! Only God knows what they get up too, but my ‘Taco’ certainly does not smell of lobster…. smells more like cigarettes!!

Have a great day my sexy munchkins!!

Ping pong?

I don’t get what the whole ‘girls shooting ping pong balls, out of their wotsit,’ obsession is??? I don’t quite understand, why it turns you fellas on?? ( haha) I mean, it’s not really an outstanding piece of magic?? Or sexy?? Any girl can do it!! Really!! All you have to do, is shove a couple of balls, of the ping-pong variety, ‘up there,’ and push!! Like a baby, it WILL shoot out! It’s more ridiculously hilarious than anything else, like a drunk game or something, not ‘OOh arr, horn dog,’ sexy. I don’t get it?? I’ve never really tried though?? I think i’ll give it a miss, this year…lol… (stop the booing) Sorry to be so random, but i just seemed to remember spying on a boy one afternoon, in LA…when he was ‘massaging his ego’…lets say. He was jerking it, to slimey, ‘coming out of vagina,’ ping pong balls. CHAMPION!!! 

Pammie’s still got it!

So, i’ve just heard a bunch of oldish ladies, say how gross, and inappropriate Pamela Anderson is because she went on a gameshow, or something, with the teeniest skirt on, which showed her sexy panties, and she shouldn’t… because she’s now a mother and mother’s shouldn’t be sluts!!

I say, ‘BOLLOCKS,’ and i’m sick of this whole, ‘now you’re a mother, you’ve got to wear nun suits,’ thing!! (the mothers that judge, are mothers that quite frankly, need to get rammed in the ‘ahem’ with a giant vibrating device, repeatedly.) Helloo…she made millions, from her ‘Funbags,’ and thats means she’s a GENIUS!!!!! YOU, didn’t make millions from your maybe ‘not so’ Funbags!! You probably made tea and cheating husbands!!! lol…Anyway, I can gurantee, that when her boys are older, (if not already,) they will no doubt,  be boasting that their mum, is ‘Pamela Anderson,’ so they can totally get laid, and jump the line at clubs. Bottom line….She’s Pammie, and she can do whatever she so wishes!! Why?? Because she’s Pamela, fucking Anderson!! That’s why!! And she’s HOT!! I think her body should be celebrated!! I mean , we should all be pouring  beer over her love humps, and licking it off gleefully, in a glitter shower, whilst howling at the moon, and calling her Daddy!! And not dissing her, because she’s sexy. Don’t care what anyone says. I’d let ‘Gary Glitter’, finger meTWICE,  to just be Pammie for one day, when shewas at the height of her fame!! Well, maybe not, as i’d have to Mcbonky Tommy Lee. Yet now i’m thinking, he did steer a giant boat with his hugemongus ‘hey HEY hey.’ How did he do that??She’s delicious!! OOh i fancy a Stella!

Nothing else to report as of yet, except, leave your TOPS at home, its’ TUESDAY!!

Topless Tuesday & dirty google searches

Morning my Pretties!! How are you today?? I am feeling fabulous, divine, the Queen of all Queens, and looking forward to another magnificent day of ‘Taking over the world.’ (evil evil laugh) But on a more serious note, really I am!!! My website hits have been tremendous, thanks to YOU my sexy little whorey boys, thanks to ‘The Wizard of Waz,’ ( we praise him, as he holds the strings to this operation, wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him,) thanks to ME …obviously for getting my ‘Na na’s’ out, and the good lord, for blessing me with such a talent and finally major thanks to GOOGLE!!!

Okay so every morning, when the Princess rises from her chamber, after counting her gold coins in the parlour, and picking out diamonds to gracefully adorn…i check my morning email!!! I get a lot so it take ages. Anyway, it was brought to my attention this morning, that my HITS (website, not contract Hitman)were mainly all from ‘Chrissie Wunna’ google searches.’ So yes, people are googling, Chrissie Wunna Zoo, FHM, (blah blah,) and get this… ‘Fannies and Cum!!’ Someone searched, ‘Fannies and Cum,’ and up popped ‘Chrissie Wunna!!’ Wow!! hahahahaha, it’s the most hilarious thing i’ve heard all morning!! AND, that’s not even the best of it, some poor horny bloke, typed in, ‘Cum, and Easter Bunny.’ ( whoever he is, He’s my favourite!! You totally win a blowjob!!) Searches are great, i’m apparently one of the top tag searches on the Daily Star, delicately wedged inbetween, ‘Afghanistan, and Darren hayes,’ (haha)Super Stardom beckons, my child!! Shit i still haven’t had my morning cuppa joe, yet!

I have a busy day, of grooming and planning out my shoots, yet more importantly it is and once again, TOPLESS TUESDAY!!!! So later you’re in for a treat!! However, i must fly off right now, and tend to my grooming, but just so you know…

I LOVE YOU!!! xxx

The ‘bedroom’ in my slanted eyes

Rubber Bands were invented today!!! Really they were, by a dude named ‘Steve Perry,’ or something??? So, if you’re at work, or in the middle of a ‘really boring, but having to pretend you’re listenning’ type conversation. You can bring that little bit of random knowledge up, and state that it’s a 100%, valid enough reason, for everybody to be at the pub right now getting blotto…. to celebrate!!! WE LOVE RUBBER BANDS!!!

As you can tell, i’m a whole lot better now. Infact GLORIOUS!! Let’s get cocktails!! And i think that, when i write my blog, too early in the morning ( as in, when i’ve just risen from my sheets,) i’m usuallly quite grumpy, (not a morning person) therefore it makes me seem as though i need serious anger management sessions.  But i don’t i promise, (well only when i’m angry..ha.)

Just so you know, i’m a happy go lucky Glamour Puss and for those that too, wake up quite grumpily, in the morning…all you need to remember is that someone,  somewhere has it a lot ‘SHITTER’ than you, and Thank GOD for that ‘someone, somewhere,’ as they sure as hell made Me feel good about myself again, today!!!

So i’m back, armed with serious ‘Va Voomage’, and nothing is going to get in my way, of cheeky chappy happiness, without getting a sharp stiletto heel pierced into it’s soul. ‘OOH Laaa.!’ I kind of wish i was at a hotel right now, grabbing a night cap, even though it’s the daytime. Don’t know why??? But in LA, Hotels are great places to get your McCrunk on. I think it’s just the revolving cast of delicious males you can flirt with. I like new people, new faces, new room keys (haha) It excites me!! It gives me the wiggles, and the ‘OOH laa,’ in my eyes!!

I love eyes!! Obviously because it means, the boy in question can usually SEE, and My eyes, although a little slanted (hee! hee!), are my pretty little champions!! A couple years ago a friend and I tested them out, on some poor boy, that had been chosen to be my rebound, for the evening, to help me get over some other handsome, underwear model!! I hadn’t said a single word to him ALL evening, yet we had been watching him (yay to stalking,) and plotting our ‘POUNCE!’ I don’t usually like to ‘Plot’ as i’m too rebellious, to go along with any sort of  ‘Plotting.’ I’m more of a ‘heat of the moment,’ type girl, and i am NOT shy. But long story short, he was playing pool, i went to the toilet (which was obviously via his eyeline…otherwise the ‘plot’-thing would have been pointless..hahaha.) I come out of the toilet, in little red dress, ignore him, (even though, i know he’s staring at me. ) I wait until i get quite a ways past him. Then I stop, look back, (he’s looking right at me,) and i give him the dirtiest, hottest, ‘come to bed’ eyes, anyone has EVER seen. Then after 5 seconds i glide off….( and piss myself laughing to my friend, with a beer, who claims, my eyes were SHITE!)

Not that ‘SHITE!!!’ Boy comes ‘accidently on purpose,’ sauntering around to my table, sits himself down, randomly, and starts making conversation with me, beginning with the famous, ‘Don’t i know you from somewhere,’ line. (Champion!!!) Anyway, he then spoils it, by dedicating every kareoke love song, in the world ever to me. Whilst i shout, ‘I don’t F**king like you!!’ (hahaha) Then forces me to ‘slow dance’ with him, (Jesus Christ!!) And later produces a Sex tape….. 200 points to him, end of story, moving on…..hahaha

Yeah, i hate eyes!

Sad Face/Chris Fountain/ and my boobs

Woke up, drinking coffee, had a little cry this morning ( she weeps), and after a few hundred nightmares, a tough time eating, and a dodgey emotional rollercoaster, i’m actually not doing too badly. Infact i’m doing GREAT considering!

I’ve had a lot on my plate over the last couple days, well not literally, as for some reason i can’t eat (haha), and i suppose i just needed to let out some tension…hence the weeping. It really does make you feel better, try it!! My ‘Latin Lover’ is currently ‘fobbing’ me off, which translates as, i asked him to pay for something that was very important to me, he gave me the old, ‘Yeah, yeah, definitely, you’re my everything,’ line, then suddenly, and just like magic, disappeared!! Don’t get me wrong, i mean , he does give me the odd, ‘Sorry, i didn’t email you, i was busy,’ courtesy check in. Yet, as we all know, busy turns into.. too busy, which further turns into a ‘Houdini’ disappearing act, and then suddenly, and because they’re terribly lonely a new oriental face is gracing the otherside of their pillow, and wearing your fucking accessories!! (hahaha) Why doesn’t my love life every go right??

Enough of that!! So ‘FOUNTAIN’ didn’t WIN!! I am gutted, as he definitely deserved too!! That blond ‘Here’say’ girl needs to get her eyes scratched out….by horny monkeys!!UGH!! Dancing on Ice, is my only, time to really chill, ( apart from when i’m partying like a Rockstar, yet that’s not chilling, its ‘Showtime.’), therefore even my ‘happy happy chill time,’ decided to explode in my face, as ‘Here’say,’ blondy takes the trophy home!! GUTTED!! Monkeys!! (scratch, scratch.)

I’m really missing the sunny sun of LA, but only because my tan needs a bloody decent top up. I want to get back to LA, lay by a pool for two weeks solid, bake ferociously, until i DIE of sun stroke, then luckily come back to life immediately, and with a Peach Margarita in my hand, and a Hottie passing me his number!! (haha) Having to Boots fake tan, EVERY single night, for a shoot, is WAY less glamourous. Plus, it’s starting to get tedious, and very VERY messy. Everything i touch, has a splurge of gooey orange shimmer slime on it, and i have to run around the house naked, whilst sipping cups of tea, waiting for it to dry. All i need is the bloody, ‘Benny HIll,’ theme tune playing and i’m all set!!

OOh so… i think ( and thanx to my Wizard) some booby piccy’s have been put up, for the pleasure of you Darling boys, or girls?? (I guess, not really girls, cos all they want to do is call me ‘Slag’, and steal my accessories …hahaha) Enjoy!! Enjoy!!!

Anyway, i’ve got to go and shout at my mignons!!! I think they miss me!! (whip sound, whip sound.)

Monks/Ice and beckhams 9incher

So hard boiled sweets, sucking candy, is supposed to be SUCKED upon, and not CHOMPED on, okay!!!! Therefore if another person, comes near me with a bag of ‘suck’em on’ candy, and starts CHOMPING visciously, they WILL get bitched slapped!! Just needed to let that out!

Went to a burmese Peace Pagoda today, which is basically a buddhist temple, with orange robed monks, who bless you, when you need blessing!! I couldn’t help but notice that the Burmese monk, that was blessing Me, was adorning, the whole orange robe shabam, plus ‘Homer Simpson,’ slippers!!! I’m confused??? How am i supposed to get to Nirvana or wherever, when my monk is wearing ‘Homer Simpson,’ slippers!! But nevermind, i’m sure it’s all good. I also got a band to wear around my wrist for good luck, and protection. It has kind of got tangled inbetween my diamonds, (ugh!) yet whatever, i’ll rock it anyway, since they spent so much time praying on it. I also got bored half way through the meditation chant thing, as i didn’t know what they were saying, so i decided to give the girl next to me a french manicure. Came out really nice!! haha! And it’s not as if anyone noticed anyway, as they all had their eyes closed.

I’ve got to write this blog quick, as it’s vital i watch Chris Fountain win Dancing on Ice, (my favourite show) just incase, he wants to wiggle his hot little ‘bajonga’ (don’t know where that came from) skating arse, in my direction!! oooh-laaaa!!! Mama loves you!!!

Not much else has happened today, as its Sunday, but i am about to grab a beer really quickly and whilst  i do, lets all mourn for poor Victoria Beckham, who wants to be back in England, because she misses her mum. Awww…! As if!! We all know thats just code for, tried to be a Spice Girl again, and it failed miserable, because EVERYONE is OVER crap songs like Wannabe, plus i’m not remotely famous in america and now my hot husband is in LA, and all the young glittery hollywood totty, seems to  be all up on his 9 incher and then some, whilst I…(wait for it)..keep trying to sing crap songs like ‘Wannabe!’ Take your own advice, and ‘STOP right now!!’ (thankyou very much!) Just be his ‘not so’ Posh  wife, and be happy for godsake!!

And on that note, i shall love you and leave you!!!