I don’t get what the whole ‘girls shooting ping pong balls, out of their wotsit,’ obsession is??? I don’t quite understand, why it turns you fellas on?? ( haha) I mean, it’s not really an outstanding piece of magic?? Or sexy?? Any girl can do it!! Really!! All you have to do, is shove a couple of balls, of the ping-pong variety, ‘up there,’ and push!! Like a baby, it WILL shoot out! It’s more ridiculously hilarious than anything else, like a drunk game or something, not ‘OOh arr, horn dog,’ sexy. I don’t get it?? I’ve never really tried though?? I think i’ll give it a miss, this year…lol… (stop the booing) Sorry to be so random, but i just seemed to remember spying on a boy one afternoon, in LA…when he was ‘massaging his ego’…lets say. He was jerking it, to slimey, ‘coming out of vagina,’ ping pong balls. CHAMPION!!!
So, i’ve just heard a bunch of oldish ladies, say how gross, and inappropriate Pamela Anderson is because she went on a gameshow, or something, with the teeniest skirt on, which showed her sexy panties, and she shouldn’t… because she’s now a mother and mother’s shouldn’t be sluts!!
I say, ‘BOLLOCKS,’ and i’m sick of this whole, ‘now you’re a mother, you’ve got to wear nun suits,’ thing!! (the mothers that judge, are mothers that quite frankly, need to get rammed in the ‘ahem’ with a giant vibrating device, repeatedly.) Helloo…she made millions, from her ‘Funbags,’ and thats means she’s a GENIUS!!!!! YOU, didn’t make millions from your maybe ‘not so’ Funbags!! You probably made tea and cheating husbands!!! lol…Anyway, I can gurantee, that when her boys are older, (if not already,) they will no doubt, be boasting that their mum, is ‘Pamela Anderson,’ so they can totally get laid, and jump the line at clubs. Bottom line….She’s Pammie, and she can do whatever she so wishes!! Why?? Because she’s Pamela, fucking Anderson!! That’s why!! And she’s HOT!! I think her body should be celebrated!! I mean , we should all be pouring beer over her love humps, and licking it off gleefully, in a glitter shower, whilst howling at the moon, and calling her Daddy!! And not dissing her, because she’s sexy. Don’t care what anyone says. I’d let ‘Gary Glitter’, finger meTWICE, to just be Pammie for one day, when shewas at the height of her fame!! Well, maybe not, as i’d have to Mcbonky Tommy Lee. Yet now i’m thinking, he did steer a giant boat with his hugemongus ‘hey HEY hey.’ How did he do that??She’s delicious!! OOh i fancy a Stella!
Nothing else to report as of yet, except, leave your TOPS at home, its’ TUESDAY!!
Morning my Pretties!! How are you today?? I am feeling fabulous, divine, the Queen of all Queens, and looking forward to another magnificent day of ‘Taking over the world.’ (evil evil laugh) But on a more serious note, really I am!!! My website hits have been tremendous, thanks to YOU my sexy little whorey boys, thanks to ‘The Wizard of Waz,’ ( we praise him, as he holds the strings to this operation, wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him,) thanks to ME …obviously for getting my ‘Na na’s’ out, and the good lord, for blessing me with such a talent and finally major thanks to GOOGLE!!!
Okay so every morning, when the Princess rises from her chamber, after counting her gold coins in the parlour, and picking out diamonds to gracefully adorn…i check my morning email!!! I get a lot so it take ages. Anyway, it was brought to my attention this morning, that my HITS (website, not contract Hitman)were mainly all from ‘Chrissie Wunna’ google searches.’ So yes, people are googling, Chrissie Wunna Zoo, FHM, (blah blah,) and get this… ‘Fannies and Cum!!’ Someone searched, ‘Fannies and Cum,’ and up popped ‘Chrissie Wunna!!’ Wow!! hahahahaha, it’s the most hilarious thing i’ve heard all morning!! AND, that’s not even the best of it, some poor horny bloke, typed in, ‘Cum, and Easter Bunny.’ ( whoever he is, He’s my favourite!! You totally win a blowjob!!) Searches are great, i’m apparently one of the top tag searches on the Daily Star, delicately wedged inbetween, ‘Afghanistan, and Darren hayes,’ (haha)Super Stardom beckons, my child!! Shit i still haven’t had my morning cuppa joe, yet!
I have a busy day, of grooming and planning out my shoots, yet more importantly it is and once again, TOPLESS TUESDAY!!!! So later you’re in for a treat!! However, i must fly off right now, and tend to my grooming, but just so you know…
I LOVE YOU!!! xxx
Rubber Bands were invented today!!! Really they were, by a dude named ‘Steve Perry,’ or something??? So, if you’re at work, or in the middle of a ‘really boring, but having to pretend you’re listenning’ type conversation. You can bring that little bit of random knowledge up, and state that it’s a 100%, valid enough reason, for everybody to be at the pub right now getting blotto…. to celebrate!!! WE LOVE RUBBER BANDS!!!
As you can tell, i’m a whole lot better now. Infact GLORIOUS!! Let’s get cocktails!! And i think that, when i write my blog, too early in the morning ( as in, when i’ve just risen from my sheets,) i’m usuallly quite grumpy, (not a morning person) therefore it makes me seem as though i need serious anger management sessions. But i don’t i promise, (well only when i’m angry..ha.)
Just so you know, i’m a happy go lucky Glamour Puss and for those that too, wake up quite grumpily, in the morning…all you need to remember is that someone, somewhere has it a lot ‘SHITTER’ than you, and Thank GOD for that ‘someone, somewhere,’ as they sure as hell made Me feel good about myself again, today!!!
So i’m back, armed with serious ‘Va Voomage’, and nothing is going to get in my way, of cheeky chappy happiness, without getting a sharp stiletto heel pierced into it’s soul. ‘OOH Laaa.!’ I kind of wish i was at a hotel right now, grabbing a night cap, even though it’s the daytime. Don’t know why??? But in LA, Hotels are great places to get your McCrunk on. I think it’s just the revolving cast of delicious males you can flirt with. I like new people, new faces, new room keys (haha) It excites me!! It gives me the wiggles, and the ‘OOH laa,’ in my eyes!!
I love eyes!! Obviously because it means, the boy in question can usually SEE, and My eyes, although a little slanted (hee! hee!), are my pretty little champions!! A couple years ago a friend and I tested them out, on some poor boy, that had been chosen to be my rebound, for the evening, to help me get over some other handsome, underwear model!! I hadn’t said a single word to him ALL evening, yet we had been watching him (yay to stalking,) and plotting our ‘POUNCE!’ I don’t usually like to ‘Plot’ as i’m too rebellious, to go along with any sort of ‘Plotting.’ I’m more of a ‘heat of the moment,’ type girl, and i am NOT shy. But long story short, he was playing pool, i went to the toilet (which was obviously via his eyeline…otherwise the ‘plot’-thing would have been pointless..hahaha.) I come out of the toilet, in little red dress, ignore him, (even though, i know he’s staring at me. ) I wait until i get quite a ways past him. Then I stop, look back, (he’s looking right at me,) and i give him the dirtiest, hottest, ‘come to bed’ eyes, anyone has EVER seen. Then after 5 seconds i glide off….( and piss myself laughing to my friend, with a beer, who claims, my eyes were SHITE!)
Not that ‘SHITE!!!’ Boy comes ‘accidently on purpose,’ sauntering around to my table, sits himself down, randomly, and starts making conversation with me, beginning with the famous, ‘Don’t i know you from somewhere,’ line. (Champion!!!) Anyway, he then spoils it, by dedicating every kareoke love song, in the world ever to me. Whilst i shout, ‘I don’t F**king like you!!’ (hahaha) Then forces me to ‘slow dance’ with him, (Jesus Christ!!) And later produces a Sex tape….. 200 points to him, end of story, moving on…..hahaha
Yeah, i hate eyes!
Woke up, drinking coffee, had a little cry this morning ( she weeps), and after a few hundred nightmares, a tough time eating, and a dodgey emotional rollercoaster, i’m actually not doing too badly. Infact i’m doing GREAT considering!
I’ve had a lot on my plate over the last couple days, well not literally, as for some reason i can’t eat (haha), and i suppose i just needed to let out some tension…hence the weeping. It really does make you feel better, try it!! My ‘Latin Lover’ is currently ‘fobbing’ me off, which translates as, i asked him to pay for something that was very important to me, he gave me the old, ‘Yeah, yeah, definitely, you’re my everything,’ line, then suddenly, and just like magic, disappeared!! Don’t get me wrong, i mean , he does give me the odd, ‘Sorry, i didn’t email you, i was busy,’ courtesy check in. Yet, as we all know, busy turns into.. too busy, which further turns into a ‘Houdini’ disappearing act, and then suddenly, and because they’re terribly lonely a new oriental face is gracing the otherside of their pillow, and wearing your fucking accessories!! (hahaha) Why doesn’t my love life every go right??
Enough of that!! So ‘FOUNTAIN’ didn’t WIN!! I am gutted, as he definitely deserved too!! That blond ‘Here’say’ girl needs to get her eyes scratched out….by horny monkeys!!UGH!! Dancing on Ice, is my only, time to really chill, ( apart from when i’m partying like a Rockstar, yet that’s not chilling, its ‘Showtime.’), therefore even my ‘happy happy chill time,’ decided to explode in my face, as ‘Here’say,’ blondy takes the trophy home!! GUTTED!! Monkeys!! (scratch, scratch.)
I’m really missing the sunny sun of LA, but only because my tan needs a bloody decent top up. I want to get back to LA, lay by a pool for two weeks solid, bake ferociously, until i DIE of sun stroke, then luckily come back to life immediately, and with a Peach Margarita in my hand, and a Hottie passing me his number!! (haha) Having to Boots fake tan, EVERY single night, for a shoot, is WAY less glamourous. Plus, it’s starting to get tedious, and very VERY messy. Everything i touch, has a splurge of gooey orange shimmer slime on it, and i have to run around the house naked, whilst sipping cups of tea, waiting for it to dry. All i need is the bloody, ‘Benny HIll,’ theme tune playing and i’m all set!!
OOh so… i think ( and thanx to my Wizard) some booby piccy’s have been put up, for the pleasure of you Darling boys, or girls?? (I guess, not really girls, cos all they want to do is call me ‘Slag’, and steal my accessories …hahaha) Enjoy!! Enjoy!!!
Anyway, i’ve got to go and shout at my mignons!!! I think they miss me!! (whip sound, whip sound.)
So hard boiled sweets, sucking candy, is supposed to be SUCKED upon, and not CHOMPED on, okay!!!! Therefore if another person, comes near me with a bag of ‘suck’em on’ candy, and starts CHOMPING visciously, they WILL get bitched slapped!! Just needed to let that out!
Went to a burmese Peace Pagoda today, which is basically a buddhist temple, with orange robed monks, who bless you, when you need blessing!! I couldn’t help but notice that the Burmese monk, that was blessing Me, was adorning, the whole orange robe shabam, plus ‘Homer Simpson,’ slippers!!! I’m confused??? How am i supposed to get to Nirvana or wherever, when my monk is wearing ‘Homer Simpson,’ slippers!! But nevermind, i’m sure it’s all good. I also got a band to wear around my wrist for good luck, and protection. It has kind of got tangled inbetween my diamonds, (ugh!) yet whatever, i’ll rock it anyway, since they spent so much time praying on it. I also got bored half way through the meditation chant thing, as i didn’t know what they were saying, so i decided to give the girl next to me a french manicure. Came out really nice!! haha! And it’s not as if anyone noticed anyway, as they all had their eyes closed.
I’ve got to write this blog quick, as it’s vital i watch Chris Fountain win Dancing on Ice, (my favourite show) just incase, he wants to wiggle his hot little ‘bajonga’ (don’t know where that came from) skating arse, in my direction!! oooh-laaaa!!! Mama loves you!!!
Not much else has happened today, as its Sunday, but i am about to grab a beer really quickly and whilst i do, lets all mourn for poor Victoria Beckham, who wants to be back in England, because she misses her mum. Awww…! As if!! We all know thats just code for, tried to be a Spice Girl again, and it failed miserable, because EVERYONE is OVER crap songs like Wannabe, plus i’m not remotely famous in america and now my hot husband is in LA, and all the young glittery hollywood totty, seems to be all up on his 9 incher and then some, whilst I…(wait for it)..keep trying to sing crap songs like ‘Wannabe!’ Take your own advice, and ‘STOP right now!!’ (thankyou very much!) Just be his ‘not so’ Posh wife, and be happy for godsake!!
And on that note, i shall love you and leave you!!!
Feeling much much better!! I think i slipped into a bit of a funk, for a few hours, yet now i am happy as can be…and it had nothing to do with the Stella, right next to me!!
I was a bit upset because i thought my ‘Latin lover,’ was dodging me, but it just so happens, that he’s not, and i am still the Queen of all things Great!!
I’ve just watched ‘Ant n Dec’s take-away’ show thing, and Dec’s a bit of a hottie p’tottie, i’d like to take ‘him’ away for a bit of a McRumble! So is Chris Fountain, that Dancing on Ice dude, with the ‘Living La Vida Loca,’ hips!!! I’ve always thought the boys in LA we’re much much hotter, yet the boys in England, were much more down to earth. However, you’re starting to prove me WRONG!!! I think, i’m super attracted to ‘Talent,’ and Britain, seems to hold some of the most talented young boys in the world EVER!!! Gimme, gimme, gimme!! I’m boy crazy right now ( sorry Rudes), as i haven’t had a proper, ‘how’s ya Father session,’ in ages!!!!! Therefore you have to excuse my unlady like behaviour!!
Ooh it’s dinner time i have to go!! I love you, and Stay tuned, my Darlings!!!
So shopping wasn’t too great today!! Pointless really, all i got, ( and strictly out of boredom,) was another hair dryer, a hair straightner, and probably a cold. Infact, i was so perky, before i went, yet on my way to Doncaster ( which is where i shopped,) i started to feel a bit down, a bit out of place, and a bit like i should be in LA! I get like this sometimes, bare with me!!
Don’t get me wrong, i LOVE Yorkshire, and i adore the lady that tries to sell me 6 oranges for £1, in the market place, the cups of tea, the people, the happy warmth in the air, the smiles, the pubs, everything!! Yet ever since i was 9 or 10, i’ve always known there was something more than Yorkshire, in store for me, and that place was Hollywood. I always said, ever since being, i think 10 yrs old, that i would move to Hollywood, and become a star!!! Yu can ask ANYONE i went to school with!! So when i was 21, ( made sure i was of US legal drinking age…lol,) I did, and it turned out to be the best thing i had ever done!!!
I guess, i just went down good old memory lane today, as everything around me reminded me, of being a child. It was funny!! I actually stood in the same spot, i stood in 15 years ago , where i had WISHED i would move to Hollywood, as a child. It made me fill up, and i have no idea why??? I certainly, had no idea, that i would end up getting my dream, let alone becoming part of the Hollywood scenery.
Work has been good to me here, and I’m so glad, i’ve managed to come back to England, for a few months, to revisit my past. I needed it, as Hollywood was starting to swallow me up. I feel as though in Yorkshire, i can just be a kid again, walk down the street without everyone staring at me, see my old friends and not have a million dudes ‘Holla’ at me on the street every 2 seconds!!! I have peace. Yet in good old ‘Chrissie Wunna’ style, peace begins to bore me, so I’m ready to get my arse back to the City of Angels!!! I’m excited!! ( which is funny as i actually, emailed someone today, telling them, i didn’t miss it at all…hahaha.) I think there’s just something about that town, a magic, a Va voom, and YES it is RIDICULOUS, but like i always say, it’s home to a very certain breed of people. I guess, the misfits of the world!! hahaha! And i am certainly one of them!!
Anyway, enough of the seriously stuff, as it’s making me feel depressed!!! lol! A dude tried to sell me a german salami, a kangeroo burger, and a Russian doll, all at the same time today!!! He wouldn’t stop bugging me, so i ended up buying a kangeroo burger, for £3.00 and making my baby brother eat it!!
I need a beer… i guess since i have a hair straightner, i should straighten my hair???