No such thing as Mr.Right!!!

My Mr.Right just does not exist. There’s always Mr.Almost right, Mr. Not right at all, but he’ll do for right now, Mr. has potential to be right, yet just seems to be quite wrong, and Mr, Would’ve been right, if he just didn’t Fuck up….right?? I don’t know why i am always disappointed with my ‘other halves’ so to speak. I sometimes, step back, stop, and think, ‘how did i get here??’ I have literally dated ZILLIONS of men, from all cultures, all nations, all whereabouts, all dodgey bars, and still for a girl who’s last name rhymes with ‘Stunna,’ (who’s ya Daddy, whooooooooo’s ya daddy…..oh and got that in there greggy,) you would think that i would be satisfied by now!!!

Current squeeze is ‘Latin lover,’ and well our relationship is long distance, (which is always retarded, pointless, etc…etc…) and due to his ZERO relationship skills, it can basically be described as one long dodgey ‘ chase scene’ from a Tom & Jerry cartoon.  Not fun!! Like i always say, guys usually act how they ‘think’ i would want them to act…and they always always guess wrong!! It’s funny ( she says as she cries into her lonely pillow…lol) This one just pisses me off, ‘frustrates me,’ because he can never seem to make the right decisions. At first the ‘frustrating me’ was cute, now the cuteness has worn away …..completely. I feel like he’s in slow motion or something, which is never fun for anyone really.  Or just not fun for me.

My head is a banging!!

I’ve got a massive headache after noshing my way through, 2 bags of ‘pick n mix..’ Now i hate myself, and have to either have a beer to numb the pain, or have a beer to numb the pain? It’s almost nearly that ‘time of the month,’ so i feel like a fat bitch, and i am currently determined to start eating healthy, get on a diet, be more patience and drink way more water. It’s supposed to be the answer to flipping everything!!

I really did have something important to say, yet my aching head has made me forget?? Infact, i don’t know why i’m writing this right now, as i really don’t have anything to say?? I’m just having a magnificently dumb blank moment, yet even during these tough times, i’ll never be as dumb blank, as this one naff boyfriend i dated, i’ll call him ‘Ugly.’ He asked me, ( after i told him where i was born) whether, ‘Prince Charming was from Yorkshire?’ He meant ‘Prince William,’ and it wasn’t (as i thought) a simple slip of the tongue mistake. He really thought, Prince William (the future King of England), was Prince Charming, from Cinder-flipping-rella!!! And Prince Charming, from Cinderella, was from Doncaster??? I nodded and smiled…then remembered to erase him from my black book of ‘good times’. I can’t date someone who doesn’t know their fairytales!!!

Anyway, i really do have to go, and nurse myself back to good health. Last night, whilst i was talking to my ‘Latin Lover,’ he got a sudden phone call relaying the fact that his father was sick. I guess, he expected me to ‘care’ more than i did. Yet ages ago,when i told him my mother was ill, he prolonged his stay in Vegas for two more days. Oooooooooooooooh!! kisses!

Diamonds were a Girls best friend

Okay, so to release the tension of the day, i decided to buy ‘bling.’ ( not rappers delight, massive chain, dollar sign, grill- like yo yo mama… bling…but proper solitaire ‘Oooooh Darling,’ diamond.) It was purchased by ‘moi’ to put a smile on my miserable face, and to make me feel worth something..(haha, therapy is a calling.) You can tell that the lady in ‘the land of diamond selling,’ felt really sorry for me. Yet not that sorry, as she snatched my card out of my hands, at the speed of light. GREATNESS!! Anyway, it didn’t fit…ofcourse, so now i’ve bought ‘Bling’, and i’m having to wait until Monday to recieve it, and basically feel worth it!! Pointless!! So, i then went to Claires Accessories, and bought a sparkly, glitter headband, with flowers on ( don’t ask) for £2.00. I’m wearing it right now. I wore it in my bubble bath too. During my bath, i kept pretending i was Cleopatra. Don’t know why?? (Probably should’ve have admitted that??) But really it felt good, except when i snapped back to reality, i was sitting in a ‘not warm anymore,’ bath, in a glitter headband, with crap flowers on it, and without my Egyptian bitches, bathing me in milk. I also then sang ‘ My heart belongs to Daddy,’ out loud, once again proving that one day you will be covering my breakdown. I might as well start making my own straight jacket…so it at least fits!!

 I’ve just helped my friend, (i’ll call him ‘Nazi,’) make his ‘circus act’ jump through hoops, hoops, more hoops, because he’s bored. (Ah dee dums!) Boredom rocks, because it stops you from being normal.

Anyway, life on the whole is grand, i’m happy, i can’t believe my luck, and i totally missed Eastenders tonight!! BOLLOCKS!!

Wunna Play??

More topless Space hopper delight, to help get you through your Thursday. It is thursday today right?? Anyway, i uploaded it wrong…obviously, yet i thought it was hilarious, therefore please enjoy, the ‘Wunna Twins’ on ‘Space hoppers’ topless. Double the Fun!

Oh the joys of Untruths

Bad night last night, yet a great morning…kind of, i guess?? I just had someone sitting next to me crying because they couldn’t figure out how to call a roofer, to re-roof something?? I never know what to do when people cry infront of me, so i just pretended like it wasn’t happenning, as i felt, the more i didn’t respond, the more dramatic the crying got… and it was hilarious. Cry because, you need to release tension, or you’ve just got fingered by a barrel of chimpanzees, not because you want attention, and sympathy, or can’t figure out how to work a ‘Yellow Pages.’ Please! I hate pity parties!!! They’re never any fun.

Whilst i feel bitchy, i’ll tell you…. last night, my ‘Latin Lover’ lied to me.( again). Oh the joy’s of untruths!! I had been forwarded a series of emails, of a past ‘internet love’ he had had, ages ago, whilst he was in a long term relationship with this woman in LA. Okay these emails were full on, like ‘ I love you, i miss your hand on my chest, and your breathe on my heart, i can’t be without you… it was a long distance affair etc…’ (hahahaha), and i had a ‘certain’ person, sitting right next to me whilst i asked him:

‘Do you know a Kate or Katie?’ (Ofcourse we knew, he knew a Kate or Katie) He basically says ‘no.’ I say ‘a Kate Simpson?’ He once again says ‘No.’ So just for good luck, i re-ask him about one hundred and one times, ( i’m good like that) he says ‘No.’ Then we  decide to quote, an exact piece of an email, and (hahaha) ALL OF A SUDDEN, when he knows he’s trapped, he seems to recall knowing a ‘Kate Simpson.’ WOW!! Why bother lying?? This is why men are simply retarded. He actually wanted to be with her, or made it look that way, whilst he was ‘temporarily separated,’ (i think was the term,) from his longterm girlfriend. Yet, when she asked for his help, he disappeared!!! I mean whocares, if that happened, my record in love and sexual encounters, could shock a ‘2 bit hoe’, yet why bother lying about it???

Men if a girl is confronting you about a something, and it suddenly gives you the ‘ oh no….’, bejeebies. She already KNOWS!!! So you make yourself look P’tarded, and being a ‘Pee -Tard’, is really not going to get you laid, now is it??

Anyway, i’m off to go shop!! Kisses all around! Life is GREAT!!

Random babbles…lucky you!!

Lots of ‘stuff,’ is happenning. Lots of work is appearing out of nowhere, lots of gin is being drunk in celebration, and i feel like i’m on top of the world! Whoever said it was ‘lonely at the top’ was just ‘anti social,’ as it sure as hell feels GREAT to me!! ( but i am a complete whore face…so, you judge??) When i got fired from ‘Crunch Gym,’ (who’s motto is ‘No judgements’) for wearing a skirt to work, or being too flirty or who knows?? I caused a lot of drama, and i had too many bedroom ( well parking lot) rumbles, and the boss ended up hating me, so she drop kicked me out. I don’t know what point i’m trying to make here?? Oh yeah, she’s a bitch! You could pour a bucket of water over her and she’d melt, come back to life, smack me around the face and fire me all over again!! My work there was done anyway!! hahaha! And i ended up winning that war!!

Anyway, enough!! I feeling sexy, i’m feeling happy, and i’m trying to get Gordon Ramsey to give me a cooking lesson. I might be magnificent with ‘red meat’ in the bedroom, ( and i am, i invented the mexican blowjob- who else has  invented a blow job….exactly,) yet it’s always a bit awkward with the piece that toys with me, ontop of the kitchen counter. It looks at me, and tells me to ‘F*** off!’ I think it sometimes adds, a ‘ You Slag!!.’

Oh the joys of cooking!! Oh wait i have to go, i’m explaining to a friend, why their boyfriend is like a bad pair of shoes!! ( y’know, you keep wearing them even though you know they give you blisters.) EMERGENCY!! They are turning from Superhero to Supernanny!! Not good…ever! The great thing about being a girl, is that we have, or ‘I’ have (haha) Immense power when it comes to the game of love. ‘Ooooh laaaa!’

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What i do for fun!! You should try it fellas!! Hamish Boyle took this piccy. ( We praise him.) I was standing in my knickers, and he ‘out of nowhere,’ ran into a back cupboard, produced a bouncy space hopper, and asked if i wanted to bounce on it for fun? GREATNESS!!! We took pictures!! Enjoy !!

Put on those heels my dears!

Hello!! Morning!! I’m in the greatest of moods today, so sit back and enjoy the grand splendour ( did i spell that right??) as i bark on about my wonderful life!! And it is, i feel like a Goddess!! Booyah!!

A good way to start the day, is to have an appointment with a bathtub full of bubbles. I actually got to enjoy a quiet moment (yeah daddy) in a proper bathtub, all on my own….without a aggressive photographer telling me to ‘arch my back a little more’ and blow bubbles, whilst he tries to take a good shot! ( oooh-er.) Ahhh! Bliss!!

I have a coffee in my hand, i have a looong string of McJobbies. I feel lucky, i feel happy, and i wish Kerry Katona, was smarter than she is. Really, you could grab that girls head, and smash it against an elephants butt, and still not knock any sense into her.

I’m getting invited to lots of poshy events, yet i’m not able to go to any of them (typical, how am i ever gonna get famous??) because firstly, ‘Hubby Martinez,’ is sunning it, in LA, (UGH) and i can’t go alone as i’ll look like a right ‘billy no mates.’ OH!! I guess, i put, ‘firstly’ which would mean, there should be a ‘secondly??’ Bollocks!! Yeah, secondly, work is full on???

I can’t write this right now, as there’s coffee to be drunk, and shops to be shopped at. My life is really coming together now. I needed this break in England. Theres no evil distractions!! It’s kinda like therapy, yet without the pervy therapist!! ( long story)

I managed to book a small role in a ‘not so small’ movie. Don’t know how?? But it’s great being me!! hahahahahaha!! All my LA friends, will now hate me. YES!!!! I am greatness!! I seem to stumble into good opportunites. This is why you should always wear heels, they aid stumbling.