Va Voom my honeys!

Okay, todays a day of positive thinking. I’ve been up very early to fit in a last minute shoot, and if it wasn’t for the fine art of ‘positive thinking,’ and the fine art of brewing coffee, i don’t think i could’ve quite got through it, as a ‘Asian Goddess,’- i believe that, was the theme of the morning!!! What was your theme??

I’ve started to pull myself together, and get my life back in order, after laying back and simply enjoying the ride. I’m trying to be as productive as i can, and you know what, thats all it really takes. I wrote a ‘To do’ list, this morning, and i’ve managed to get it ALL done before 2pm, which is amazing since, i’ve been eyeing up these minor projects, and ‘Thinking’ about doing them, for approx. a week  now…hahaa. Therefore, believe me when i say, to get productive, and be productive, all you really have to do, is spend less time ‘thinking’ about doing it, and more time just getting up and DOING it.

I was kind of spurred on by some, lets say, ‘bitter sweet’ news, i recieved from a chappie in LA, last night. You know, it’s that news, that’s SO good, yet has a side to it that stings like a Mother F*****!! Yet, instead of letting it get to me, ( I couldn’t, I had to work,) i simply filed it under,’ Good times,’ grabbed my best thong, and heels, and strutted off to be an Asian Goddess!!

I guess this blog, is mainly to inspire people, who have so much potential, yet are sitting on their ass, and really not putting their great potential at play!! You can’t win the game,if you are too lazy to play it. And i’ll pretty much play anything! (cough**pink trombone**cough.)

So believe in yourself, FUCK what anybody else thinks, and march forward army strong!! YOU can do ANYTHING u wish too, and achieve ANYTHING you so desire. Every single person who has made something of themselves today, has had a time, when they did not believe they could DO IT. Yet, they jumped back on that pony ( ride it champion), and shimmied on, up the ladder of GREATNESS and with Va Voom!!

So find YOUR Va Voom, no matter how impossible it may seem, and maybe you too, can get your muffins out for a living, and turn your two love humps, into money making machines!!! hahahahaha

Have a great day!! I’m SO Dr.Phil right now, i love it!!

My love affair with Red

I love red wine,  mainly because ‘it’ loves me, sends a tingle up my spine, and an ache between my legs. Luckily i’ve managed to get my dirty asian hands on a yummy bottle of Red, that just so happened to be hiding from me, WAY back in the darkness of a random Wunna cupboard!!! You can run, but you can’t hide!! ( i really did actually have a boy, not mentioning any names, RYAN MARCH,  say that to me, one time.) It flirted with me, gave me the ‘Ooh Laas,’ so i POUNCHED upon it, like every great HUSSY does. I am very aware that it probably belongs to someone else? However, wine always seems to tastes better, when it has been purchased by another. In other words, ‘FREE BOOZE….YAY!’

Unfortunately, i don’t have anyone to share it with. ( aww…i know, play the burmese bongos, to my sad life!) Luckily, that doesn’t seem to bother me, due to a colourful independant streak, and a wagging tongue for booze. So I, and in true Queen of Greatness style, will make ‘whoppee,’ alone, with my handsome Red.

I wish you could join us, but’ haha’ YOU CAN’T!!!

I love my life

Most hilarious day so far!! Woke up, and due to yesterdays sheer laziness, had no toothpaste this morning, so had to find, and use, a barbie sized, teeny, tiny, tube of toothpaste,that i got from a plane journey and then share it amongst 4 other people!! It was SO ‘Jewish Holocaust,’ and Not very glamour puss!! I can’t be glamourous without toothpaste!

Then, i tried to write this blog ( this is currently my third joyous attempt,) yet a pop up of the worst techno song, known to mankind, decided to POP up repeatedly, and ruin my life. So i had to move away from the computer, before i completely lost my mind!!! You can NOT FORCE people to buy your song via POP-UPS!!! Plus, only druggies like TECHNO!!Anyway, i figured, i would do my face, as it always makes me feel so much better, as i turn from ‘Chimpanzee,’ to ‘Beauty Queen.’ ha! And i DO actually feel like i can conquer the world now, and show my boobies to the masses quite greatly. The miracles of makeup!! When i don’t have my face on, all i seem to want to do, is eat 10 bags of chips, and watch Jerry Springer

Therefore during my ‘feel good’ phase, i decide to go to the local grocery store, to buy wine, and other grocery delights. I managed to somehow, trap my head in the door, not once but TWICE!! Firstly,when i was getting out of the car, ( and i actually told myself, to ‘FUCK OFF,’ extremely loudly, in the parking lot, making mothers of young children, who attend the same posh school that i did when i was little, pull their children away from me…hahaha.) The the second time, was on my way back to the car, whilst trying to be super aware of my first traumatic head trapping experience.!! Hahah!! It was HILARIOUS!! All i could do was laugh!! Then maybe cry a little!!

Okay than, to de-stress, i figure, i need a cigarette. This is why you SHOULD NOT smoke, if you reside in a country that is currently EXTREMELY WINDY!! It was hard enough for me to puff, without getting a mouthful of fake hair. I blow, i flick, then a stream of ash comes hurtling right back towards me, flies into my eye, and burns my eyeball. It’s GREATNESS!! Then since i knew i couldn’t take on the elements, i managed to get blown from one end of the garden to the other, repeatedly..whilst laughing my arse off, until i was completely frozen, almost to death, and it wasn’t really that funny anymore..so i went inside!!

I guess all of this should really piss me off, yet i’m trying so hard not to be negative anymore. I mean, i’m so lucky!! My life is GREAT! This time last year, i had just got back from New York, and having to sleep on random couches in LA every night, getting ready to meet the man of my dreams. I have ridden elephants around parks in Burma. Partied like a rockstar in LA, AND smacked Matt Dillon on the arse with a glittery hand bag, whilst he was making out with a random chick. I have been offered lesbians in bathtubs in Thailand, and drank proper beers in proper ye olde pubs in britain. Dined with royalty, dined with not so royal, yet still cool, homeless men with one leg. It’s been GREAT!!

So i guess, what i’m saying is….just incase you’re suffereing from a serious case of ‘Da Blues,’ try and remember ALL the good things that you’ve done, or the hilarious moments that seem to have occured, whether you liked them or not!! However, if you didn’t look good whilst doing them, then they don’t count AT ALL, and you should still be miserable!!! Don’t fool yourself my Darling! hahahaha!!

I love you

Chrissie Wunna

Arranged marriages/ crap bags, and cardies

You can’t FORCE someone to marry someone!! Well, ‘I’ can( hence my two husbands) yet if you’r not me, Elizabeth Taylor, or JLO, then no you bloody can’t!!

I’m not just ranting on about this weirdly!! I just heard on the news, that little 11 year old girls, of the east indian variety, are being FORCED to marry dirty old east Indian men. And just for a treat, they are getting SMACKED in the face, if dinner isn’t on the table by 5pm, and then they’re getting forced to have SEX with the dirty smelly indian men, to make babies!!! Bloody hell!! What is wrong with that culture?? Arranged marriages SUCK!! Normal marriages are hard, let alone ones where you don’t get to pick the other person!! haha!! I say, let 11 year olds, be 11 year olds. They should be playing with dolls, not dirty old indian penis!

If a dude like that, came 2 steps near me, he’d probably get ‘EGGed’ to death by my drunk friends, after we stole his taxi. Then if he did end up taking me, he’d probably send me back in 2.3 minutes, due to sheer fear!! I’m a shit wife! But you can’t win them all can you?? I make for it in the bedroom though…honest!!

God! My eyes are stinging!! They kill right now!! They like have shampoo, still in them from my shower!! UGH!! Whatelse did i want to say??

Oh yeah, i love how if boys wore cardigans, back in the day, of any sort, they’d get called a ‘Puff,'( butt pirate) and beaten up behind the bike sheds. Yet now, if a young man, steals his sister’s cardy to wear, on a boozey night out. He’s called, ‘alluringly handsome,’ a ‘gentleman,’ soo ‘stylish.’ Times are a changing my chickens!! ILOVE IT!!

However, what i don’t quite love, ( there had to be something) is the fact that, someone is trying to sell, eco-friendly bags, made out of CARDBOARD, for £180!!! It’s made out of bloody cardboard, for crying out loud!! How can it cost £180??? GO back to math class!!Hellooo…homeless people sleep in it..for FREE, not £180. It’s the biggest load of bollocks, i’ve heard all day!! Unless, you want to give me one for free, then yes they are DIVINE and soooo worth it!! hahahaha!!

Shit my eyes are stinging so so bad, right now, and i need to get a beery, before calling my ‘Latin Lover.’ I miss him!! It has also just turned into the windiest day ever outside!!! God is punishing me!!

Plus sized/Grannies’ and a whole lot of Pussy

Woke up this morning to the funniest commercial, in the world ever. Oh and i mean ‘funny,’ as in laughing AT it, and not ‘funny’ as in laughing WITH it.

So 3 plus size ladies, models, whatever you want to call them, were galloping around on my TV screen, in the most wretched long white FLORAL, bag like dresses, quite happily walloping around like bulls in a china shop, whilst doing the ‘John Travolta, pelvis thrust, with wiggly finger movements,’ dance move ( you know the one i mean,) during my morning coffee!! They were apparently happy, because now they can order clothes online from ‘Marisota’ or whatever,( of the baggy, floral variety)..hence the gleeful prancing. I’m not being mean or anything, but yes, WORST commercial EVER!! Who the hell came up with that??? The skinny Victoria Secret models, get the sexy commercial, with darkness, nakedness, oil dripping from their bodies, whilst they slowly writhe around in thongs, with wings. Yet the fatties, get MASSIVE baggy dresses, brigth lights,and the worst dance moves EVER, for their commercial!! I feel their pain!! It’s really not fair.

Then like my life couldn’t get any worse, i then flick the station at 11.20am, to see a GRANNY, who sells sex toys for a living, sniffing a lilac coloured GINORMOUS dildo, whilst it was merrily pulsating upwards!!!! She really was sniffing it, and making others sniff it too!! I mean, i’d never make anyone sniff mine!! (haha) This is why England is ACE, as you would never beable to see that on American TV, at 11.20 am. However, you would probably beable to see that in real life at the bottom of your west hollywood street, so who knows??? haha. I actually have no complaints about the Granny, with her dildos, she was GREATNESS, and actually use to work in a Post Office. However the fact that even Grannies are now stealing MY jobs, is somewhat upsetting!!! Like it isn’t competitive enough already!!! Anyway sadly, life really does go on!!

Oh and get this, (great morning) I managed to call into a competition line, at the same time as viewing such delights, to try and be the Winner of £13,000. I do this sometimes when i’m feeling lucky!! I guess, i must have dialed the wrong flipping number, and accidently confirmed that, I too, am a sufferer of Facial Blindness???’ I don’t know what that is?? Yet i have been blinded, many a time, by a weird  substance, shot into my face…so i don’t actually feel too bad about that!!! Maybe i’ll get some help??

Anyway, i’m going to fix myself something to eat, as i’m bored, and there’s nothing quite like, stuffing your face, out of boredom. It’s really healthy! And maybe I too can get on a ‘Marisota’ commercial. But i do really want to get a kitten. Obviously, i can’t get one as of right now, because i’m currently in England, and not back home in LA. I was at my friends place, on Sunday, i’ll call him, ‘Wish i had his house,’ and he had a cat, on a bed, called ‘Benny,’ now ofcourse, i want one. Yet, i want to name mine ‘Pussy.’ You can just Imagine!! ( ‘here Pussy, Pussy.’) Yes!!

I kind of believe that whatever name a girl gives her domestic pet cat, is the name she secretly uses for her little ‘ Bagina.’ Paris calls her’s ‘Prada.’ I call mine ‘Pussy,’ = Greatness!!!

I really am going to go right now, and make some Mclunchy. I love you, and welcome to Chrissie Wunna’s Topless Tuesday!!!

Too tired to write this

I am completely knackered and about to get some precious beauty sleep, and i definitely need it!! I’ve had a great day, a bizarre night, and now even keeping my eyes open enough to write this blog is proving to be quite difficult!!

It’s been weird, tonight. A guy, i’ll call him, ‘wish i was much nicer to him,’ was on the other end of the phone line to me, about an hour ago. I guess, i was somewhat frustrated, and i often get like that if i don’t get my own way, or if i think the other person is sloooooooow…as my brain works at full speed, even at the slowest moments!! Ofcourse, long story short, i give him the Chrissie Wunna ‘Bitch-out’ and expecting him to really not give two squirts, the phone line reaches a silence, than he hysterically bursts into tears!! It’s funny now, but at the time i felt SO bad. I didn’t know what to do? What to say? This feeling of sheer guilt kind of ran down me,and he just wouldn’t stop crying, out loud, and for AGES!!! Plus, I’m really shit during those awkward, ‘made a boy cry, now what do i do,’ moments!! I think, i actually shouted at him, some more, (and i need to be slapped in the face with a kipper, for it,) yet now it’s all good, as we’ve picked up the pieces, and glued are relationship back together…luckily!!! We’re all smiles!!

So i guess i’m learning to not take my frustration out on others, and to think about things before they spew out of my mouth!! This is all very new to me!!! But whatever, i’ll get there…. someday???

I need to go to bed, i can’t stay up anymore. My dad go so drunk he passed out on the living room floor, infront of a portable heater, my mum has just given me a lecture on the dangers of drinking, and i’ve just realised that relaxing in England is SOOOOO diiferent to relaxing in Hollywood.

Relaxing in LA, is GREATNESS, because during you’re ‘nothing to do’ phase, you can bathe in the sun, drink peach margaritas, talk to the gays and swim in your friends pool, after having sushi and a hot boy for lunch. Yet, in England, relaxing is quite ‘blah’. All you can do, is work on your career, make tea and then maybe hope Eastenders is on, or something? But whatever, i’m happy!!! It could be worse! I need ot get back to work. I am missing LA though!!

Shit i’m tired and a plastic bag reading: ‘fill up your tank with fuel and your cupboards with a range of everyday essentials,’ just flew into my face and blinded me. How not very glamour puss!!

I need to slip out of these clothes and slip into my sheets, Nighty night my cheekies!!! xx

Don’t slate and just be GREAT!!

Woke up this morning feeling like a solid ‘2,’ and wishing i never had a vodka fanta twist cocktail, as a night cap. It is probably the WORST cocktail combination, both at the time of ‘drinking enjoyment’, AND the ‘morning after,’ known to mankind. It definitely gets the Chrissie Wunna ‘Double Thumbs Down.’ What was i thinking??? Everyone knows cocktail night caps never work. You always end up in a bar, that you never wanted to go to in the first place, talking to a young, ‘not so ‘ hottie,with a weight problem. Nowadays, you should just get to sleep the good true Hollywood way, via a handful of sleeping pills, and a swig of champers!!!

I’m feeling a little better now, as i’ve consumed 4 cups of coffee, on my fifth and my computer is now deciding to co-operate, with my business of, ‘Taking over the World.’ Instead of telling me to ‘F**k off,’ every time, i try and push a button. We have a VICTORY!!

Anyway what was i going to say??? Oh yeah! Last night, i had a very ignorant person tell me, that he couldn’t name 5 people, who were from England, that were actually famous in America!! This was a meer jab at me, for being in England as I am right now, instead of LA! I promptly named lets say, about 11 people right off the bat, and pointed out that not only did we WIN Oscars, but he is unable to name 5 people beacuse 1) He doesn’t KNOW people in general and 2) He can’t even COUNT to 5, let alone NAME 5!!!

It’s always difficult for me, as i hate it when people slag of the Brits, ofcourse because I am one, and we are GREAT!!! (Especially if you are of the Yorkshire variety!!)  And americans, who now have to sell jeans in a crap shop, that no-one cares about, because he once TRIED to be  famous in England, yet was shunned because he was MISERABLE and took himself WAY too seriously!! Have no room to criticise the Brits!!  Yet at the same time, I hate it when people, like the fat british glamour model, that looked like the Village butchers daughter, who said all the models in Hollywood were a ‘certain’ way, i think she said ‘Ugly fake monsters, when the only monster i could see was the one trying to get her boobs out right infront of me, whilst eating a chip butty!!

Everyone just needs to grab a cocktail, buy me one and play nicely together. Then the world would be at peace!!

Okay, so i’m going to check in a bit later, as i have way more cups of coffee to drink, before my next round of banter. Oh and since my Boobie gallery isn’t up yet, i’m gonna grace my blog with a piccy a day for you …or a couple, until you are free to ‘Chrissie Wunna Gallery’ away my Darlings!!

I love you

Big kisses!!! xxx

Dancing on Ice and a bloody good bollocking!!

I am sooooo completely gutted that Gareth Gates got voted off Dancing on Ice!! I mean COME ON!!! He was GREATNESS tonight, yet for some reason Zara ‘no-one knows her’ from Corrie, does a little bit better than usual, and my baby faced crush, gets kicked off!!! I say ‘BOO,’ but really has the world ended…NOPE!! I do however still have a weird urge to rub my body up and down Mr.Gates…and quite ferociously!! (wink wink)

So i just got off the phone with my ‘Latin Lover,’ who for some reason, for the last 6 days has decided to take the ‘ ass hole’ route ( well, haha, not literally), but yeah, he’s been quite grumpy over the last week, and taken out his male menopause on ME!!

I’d called him and called him, and called him, then just to make myself even more pissed off, called him again, and he decided to not pick up! When he finally did, i basically told him, ( this was just now) that if he now wishes to contact me, he can do so via email or IM, as he will no longer get the pleasure of a phone call. Common courtesy please!! Then ofcourse, he gets all’ Sorry babes…no, no, please call.’ Yet the lesson to be learnt here, is to not take someone for granted, treat them in a second rate manner, and think that after a few glasses of wine, they are going to keep calling you, and letting you ‘NOT pick up’ on them without getting BOLLOCKED!!!

Three cheers!!!

My New Blog

Darlings! Welcome!!

Due to popular demand….this is the New and Official Chrissie Wunna website, thanx to my dear dear friend, The Wonderful Wizard of Waz!!! He waved his magic wanga, and with a delicate Mcblinky, a website was set up pour moi!! ( or to put it more bluntly, I went to school with this boy, and he’s ACE at computers!! ha! And in 5 hours, we set up my home page!! ) I love it!!

Everyday, from this time on..i’ll be writing a little bit about my oh so, GLAMOUROUS life, and about the ‘Oh so NOT VERY’ Glamourous parts, so YOU my fans can get to know we a whole lot better, as we get up, close and a wee bit too personal. (oooh aarr daddy-o!)

I currently hail as the ‘Queen of Greatness,’ the Champions of all Mistake-makers, who survive ( without bruises) and ofcourse, the ULTIMATE GLAMOUR PUSS of ALL Glamour Pusses!!

My Darlings, I do hope you LOVE my new site, as it LOVES you too!!

Giant Smooches, and a teeny little wiggle…

Chrissie Wunna xxx