Fence Builders do not make the cut

Morning!! So it’s almost June 11th, which is the Chrissie Wunna breast enlargement day, (oooh) i feel so much better..now that i am flu-less (yep, snot is not hot,) and there’s a gorgeous gentleman in my garden building a giant fence. It’s sooo desparate housewives, and sooo dreamy hot hot. I guess there’s just something about a guy who can build a giant fence, with his bare hands (well i actually know lots, yet the fences are emotional brick walls, or to stop me from stalking them..) However, THIS gardener/ fence bulider, is excellent, as he doesn’t say a single word, (the best kind.) He just dreamily gets his work done and BOY does he gets his WORK done!! (haha..i’m such a perv, you’ve all rubbed off on me.) Yet he can only be a meer second of entertainment, in the darkest corner of my mind..as he may beable to build me a million fences, but can he really support my life demands, of diamonds, shoes, Hollywood, and cold hard cash..along with romancing and love, and a whole lot of Va Vommage…methinks not!!! PASS!!

Talking about Hollywood, i’m missing it like crazy right now. I’m missing my life, my friends, my love, and the town itself. Yorkshire definitely does not cater to my life standards very well. Infact neither does England as a whole. I out grew this country about 10 years ago, and yeah me being here right now, is proving to be a snooze. The only positive is the fact that i’m with my family, they are my world and really that’s about all. Everything else is better in Hollywood. Even the Yorkshire puddings!! However, i’m excited about my upcoming boob op, i don’t have long now??? I’m excited about life, i’m bubbling over with ‘joie de vivre,’ and i’m  probably the happiest person alive.

Join me!!

So i burlesqued bitches

Lap dances, in my mind are a little intrusive. I have one of those, ‘this is MY space’ issues, and therefore someone being too close to my face, whilst talking, chewing or anything let alone grinding…(if they have not been invited into the ‘space’ that is,) really gets quite tedious, as i’m forever having to back up, dodge the ‘space invader’ and re- find my firm box of comfort. I have recieved lap dances before, i have given lapdances (for fun, not money,) and yeah, both sides of the arrangement is a little weird. I think it actually would be better for dance on someones lap for money…otherwise, it’s a bit awkward having some girl too close to my face, pretending thats she’s sooooo into me AND for no reason!! haha!! Yeah laps are never a comfy place for me. …especially when boys make you prettily perch on theirs.. Its knobley, it makes me feel heavy and i’d pretty much rather sit on a chair, or on a Face. (wink wink) Face wins everytime!! She’s a HUSSY they cry!!!

Oh and just so you know, i burlesqued, on a large stage, with all eyes a watching. I begged and begged the DJ bloke to cancel my dance, and keep skipping my turn, or put me at the end of the rota…i even lied and said the manager stated i didn’t need to do it if i didn’t want to. He paid no attention, and pretty much fucked me over by immediatly calling my name up on stage…everyone was watching, everyone was looking at me, so in true Chrissie Wunna style i thought, ‘Fuck it, Lets give them a show!!’ I did! I loved it, they loved it. There were howls, Cheers, whistles…I did two songs, came off and was congratulated by the other girls who thought i was sooooo sexy!!! (They had actually been quite evil to me before my dance) Being on stage.. is definitely my thing!! I then gave the DJ the middle finger. I am now his favourite dancer!!

My Little red envelope…

Got in at 6am this morning, so i was a little fuzzy ooh laa, and needing to rest in order to regain some sort of sanity. At 4am this morning, i was wondering the streets, all alone getting followed by drunk men, and sober lesbians with pretty CUT marks on their arms…Don’t ask! I was actually a bit scared, and only because the Lesbos had flipping CUT marks…on their arms!! Bloody hell!! It was horrid, it was dark and i was lost too…haha, but that’s another story. I’ll save that shocker.

Anyway, i wake up, stumble down the stairs, hug and kiss the other ‘Wunna’s’…i’m lethargic, tired, and walking towards the mail…grumpily. I finger through a whole bunch of boring blah, blahs…then all of a sudden i see a little RED envelope!! I like little red envelopes, as it always means the message inside is personal, and not a bill. I suddenly JUMP for joy, wake up, throw all the other crap mail on the floor, (maybe i stomped on it a little) and race to open my special red envelope.

Inside.. was the most beautiful card, with the most beautiful words of love and the most beautiful tears came out of my little slanted eyes!! I cried!! It was so lovely. So yeah, made my day. See women are a lot simpler than you guys try to make out.. give them a card and they’ll shut up and stop nagging for 24hrs. It seems i got a little card from a BIG someone, far away, reminding me of how much they love me…aww….. ‘I got a love letter AND you didn’t…i totally ROCK!!’ So now i am as happy as can be, yet still very knackered. It couldn’t have come at a better time, and the sender of this card will me rewarded…threefold!!! Believe me!! However, i guess by then, i might be over the card thing, and will promptly need diamonds, in order to shut up and stop nagging!

Be a Knight

Worst night EVER last night, but as always with a ‘WORST’ something, there’s always an ‘AWESOME’ something that comes out of it. I walked into a room of the most broken girls, it was ‘heartbreak hotel’ the girls that God forgot…girls who just wanted anybody, somebody to love them, girls that numbed their pain through causing themselves pain. There were girls that seemed to be dragged up, instead of raised, girls who have never known or felt the feeling of true love, girls that make out with scuzzy boys in toilets, when drunk, just because they don’t believe they can do any better, girls who wanted to make themselves love a boy, because his wallet was full, and it would be their way out… and girls, who when came into contact with me wanted to impress me soooooooo badly, yet only because i had a ‘posh stern voice,’ accepted them, laughed with them…and they felt i was almost a Mother figure to them. They fought over my attention and for the first time, i felt bad. I’m not gonna say much about the night, as it’s actually strictly confidential, but i am going to say i’ve just realised how happy i am. I’m actually a great deal more ‘Lady-like’ than i ever noticed. Infact, i’m POSH, (and not Posh Spice, as we all know she’s as common as tripe.) I’m lucky, i’m strong, i’m actually sane.  I’m beautiful, i respect other peoples things and a GREAT ROLE MODEL to YOUNG WOMEN. I’ve been blessed, and raised by the most loving tribes….and never again will i let a bunch of under privilaged girls, rummaged through my makeup, like they’ve never seen a MAC bronzer before..hahah..Jesus Christ!! Makeup is meant to be an ART…that’s why i adore it, not a bit of tuesday night ‘smack.’ I might have been a mess during 2005, but i always respected the Mac bronzer!!!

I forgot that there were girls so broken down, like that? There are definitely no girls, or infact boys like that, in my circle of friends. I’m often mixing with a mish mesh of different ‘walks’ in order to learn, and really see what’s out there. Sometimes we get so caught up in our own’ oh so important worlds’ that we forget to see the worlds of others…and appreciate the world we have created for ourselves.

All i’m gonna say, except that a baby on the train home, tried to drink my wine when i wasn’t looking. I don’t know where his mother was, so he sat next to me in his full ‘Luna Jim’ glory the whole trip, anyway where was i?? Oh…yeah, Women should be objects of beauty and your affections. They should be treated like Goddesses and with your most gentle respect. They should be loved, adored, worshipped, pampered. They should never be mistreated, hurt, or taken advantage of. The should be looked up to, nurtured and doted upon. Its funny how if you boys act like our Knights, we girls and quite suddenly turn into Princesses… Men usually treat me well, and i think it’s because i don’t let them treat me badly. If they do treat me badly, then they are the ones that usually end up in tears, once the conversation is over.  Infact, i don’t take ANY shite whatsoever (and i’ve learnt this by taking sooooo much shite in the past)..ask ‘latin lover.’ He has definitely taken some ‘Chrissie Wunna,’ emotional thumps to the head, when i feel he’s done wrong.. yet he takes it, in dying hope that i never lose that about myself.

Much better Delores

Well I guess someone up above loves me, as for some reason, i retreated to the bathroom, for a decent few moments, rid myself of toxic waste, and i’m CURED!! Don’t know what happened? Don’t really need to know, either? But i feel right as rain, once more. So if this feeling of ‘wellness’ stays put, and it needs to, for a good few days, or til Sunday…then all my bedroom faces, will be for real, and not pretend! Hurrah!! Just so you know my darlings, whilst you are coming to your final hours of the work day…i have 16 more hours to go. Funny, cos i’m often labelled the ditzy girlie bitch, who does not much of anything, except applies a fair amount of lipgloss per minute (which is actually true, so i’ll give you that,) who hasn’t worked a single day in her life and gets lots of attention for pretty much no reason!! 16 hours more than you…. and loving every minute! Aww…lets rejoice in my honour!! hahaha!!

Please kill me

Soooooooooooooo ill!! My head is pounding, my body is aching, i have zero energy, i’m dizzy, i’m puking and feel as though i could probably pass out in approx 2.4 seconds. So what does ‘Chrissie Wunna’ glamour model super queen do, in these moments of sheer agony?? Yep, i have to smear myself in fake tan, plump up my hair, to the plumpiest it will go…(note, i can’t even lift my head right now.) I’m having my  face painted, my heels found, my outfit fitted and even though i’m about to DIE in pain, (and no joke this is proper SICK)  i have to work 2 of the longests shoots i’ll ever have to work, pout my lips, try and look like i feel sooo super sexy woo-waa… when really i would give my left kidney, (as i’d look stupid if i gave you my left arm) to be bundled up in a million fluffy blankets, left alone (well maybe with a hot male stripper nurse..who nurtures me,) so i can die, still quite painfully, yet look like a work of art…and quite comfortably, as i’d be in lovely fluffy blankets, and not underwired peep hole bras. UGH!!! I need to get better!

Madonna is ACE

God, i wish i was Madonna. Well not really, but yeah totally!! I’m exhausted, spent the whole day at a theme park, standing in the rain, and singing alongside others to Tina Turner, inside a blue BMW. Life is good. But yes, i’m tired, and i have a whole day of work ahead of me tomorrow. So i need to get my beauty sleep, not that i need ofcourse, as i wake up stunningly attractive every morning. (Don’t hate) Erm…whatelse?? Oh yeah ‘Latin Lover’ is ignoring me cos’ he’s a prick? Or Gay? Or both? But yeah, i’m sooo excited for work tomorrow!! Life is good! Oh and Britains got Talent’s on!!!

You get it wrong every time

Just got home from watching ‘What happens in Vegas’ at the cinema…that one with Ashton Kutcher, and Ms Diaz in. Best movie ever…made me miss my life!! Then made me want to cry a little because i missed my life…hahah. But all i can say is, NOW i have ‘belly laughed’ and i feel much better. I am currently a wee bit sick. Suffering from dizzy spells, is not my favourite pastime, however i guess it’s better than herpes. It was my cousins birthday today, and i don’t always seem to get along with my cousins deep down, as they use my mum for money. And for those of you who don’t know, i am HIGHLY protective over those that i care about. HIGHLY! So as you can imagine, this does not go down well with me.

I’m currently tucked up in bed. I have a theme park day tomorrow. I am happy, sad, a little bit dizzy, and wondering why everyone is psycho-analysing me??? It happens all the time. I guess i just have one of those ‘ooh gee, whatsits’ that make people want to know why??? I say don’t guess….as you pretty much ALWAYS..haha…get it WRONG!! And like everytime!! I actually kind of like the ‘stories’ that people come up with, as it’s interesting to see, how they see??? I guess??? And also because i’m an attention whore. Hardly anyone’s got it right ever, apart from the people that actually know me…and sometimes they even balls it up at times!! I, however NEVER balls anything up…!! Well apart from balls!!

Sluts before 9am

I woke up this morning, as i do every morning, with my mothers finger on my nose. In the Wunna Family, it’s code for ‘I love you…now wake the fuck up.’ When i’m in LA, i wake up with a different ‘Finger’ on my nose, it sometimes smells like tacos and it’s usually attached to a 6ft Mexican, who so happened to MISS the appropriate hole. It too, is code, for ‘I love you, now wake the fuck up.’ Anyway, after the ‘nose thing’ and because it’s sunday, we all (as in Mum, dad, brother and I), jump into one big bed, and talk about SLUTS!! It’s fun!! I hope i pass on the tradition. The word ‘slut’ was probably said more than 57 times, this morning, on this bed, and ALL before 9am!! I was raised wrong, but probably better than you, so…hahahaha! I was also informed, that my Godfather, use to go to burmese discos, in …well Burma, ofcourse, and deliberately  leave his flies undone, with his 8 incher hanging out, so chicks would dig him. If i am left orphaned…that man will be my new father!! LOVE IT!!

I’ve just woken up, i feel quite marvellous. I have the biggest pot of coffee, waiting for me to play, and ‘Rudes’ (thats ‘Latn Lover,’) are quarrelling over the sex of our first born child…(yes it’s imaginary, we do not have a baby…and yes we do need therapy.) I want a girl, he wants a boy. I claim, i wouldn’t know what to do with a boy, except have sex with it…. hahaha, i’m going to hell for that one!! But really who cares, as it’s not on the current agenda, as obviously we need to reside in the same country first!! Would help really??

Anyway, i’m off to cause havoc, it’s the holiday weekend, there’s mischief to me made, and i feel HOT!!

 

 

The Dislike Donkey

So i’m addicted to oak, smoked salmon, with rocket, and dill mayonaise sandwiches, on seeded bread from Starbucks. I can’t stop thinking about them, eating them, and craving for their love!! Oh and i’ve also decided to dislike people who CAN’T hit the bullet points, to a story!! Jesus Christ!! If you know me, you’ve probably heard me say it a million fucking times… Please, please, if you are telling me a story…DO GET TO THE BLOODY POINT, instead of meandering around the parts that don’t really matter. I don’t need the scene to be set, as i’m not really listening and i don’t really care, (unless it’s juicy).. just tell me what happened, hit the vital points of the story, and be done!!! GOD!!! Some people just go on & on & on!! hahahaha!! Makes me want to paper cut my eyeballs!!

Anyway, i had a great day today, even though i’m sick. I failed to find anything suitable to wear to a friends wedding, without trying to pretend it’s MY wedding..hahaha. The only weddings i’ve actually ever been to, are my own. I’ve always been the bride, and could’ve been the bride almost 11 times, no joke!! It’s hilarious! I don’t even know what to wear to a wedding, other than a giant wedding dress?? Ah well!! Whatelse? Oh yeah, if you’re a guy trying to hit on me, DON’T do the thing where you get in my eyeline, and stare at me for ages…it makes me feel uncomfortable, and when girls feel uncomfortable they usually DON’T put out…just for future reference!! I mean, some do, for sure… but i’m a slut, and even i’ll lift the ‘PASS’ card at it, so i’m betting it doesn’t really work, as well as you think? It’s off putting. But if you’re handsome…it’s HOT!! (hahaha)

Another thing i dislike…whilst i’m on the ‘dislike donkey’…yeah…don’t know what that means?? Erm…lots of photographers have been giving me USED & SOILED panties, at shoots… to wear!! USED!!! Under NO circumstances should they ever be recycled, from model to model!! If i’m not breaking polka dot panties, fresh from a packet, or with the tags still on, them i am SOOOOOOOOOO not happy!! It’s happened a lot. One time, a photgrapher had given me a  lovely fresh new thong and after the shoot, he wanted me to leave it there (fair enough)….I shot with him again, like 4 weeks later, and he pulled out the exact same thong, still mushed on and SOILED in by moi…and said i should re-wear them!!! God knows who else wore them??? It’s just not good form. I don’t think a cocktail of STD’s via mucky thongs, is even nearly a treat worth having!! Hahahaha! Dirty bastards!!