Sugar and spice and all things GIN!

Lovers welcome!  I’ve just dyed my hair a whole shade blacker just because a commercial told me to be a ‘shade braver.’ I feel hot, it looks hot, yet my father says my look is soooo, in your face ‘Look at me.’ Okay so i get that girls are beautiful no matter how they come blah blah, wake me up when i’m done… yet the good thing about about my ‘ look at me’ look, is that when i go out and grace the streets, people actually ‘Look AT ME.’ (it’s the whole point) And yes, they may snigger due to the in your face, boobs out, hair done, lippy galore, bold tan thing, yet it works for me bitches…it works!!! (well most of the time anyhow…) I try to ‘tantalise with tinsel,’ so to speak. (oh shut up, it works.)

Talking about tans…i booked a shoot for a US mag, even though i’m supposed to be on my ‘prepping break’ and they want me to look as natural as possible. So i had to send them along some photos of me, naked yet natural looking…(i hate the natural ones, as they’re never any fun.) Anyway, they loved my pics and i’m doing the shoot in a couple days, yet said ‘a lot less of that fake tan shit.’ Okay, i am known as the Goddess of fake tan, and i am not ashamed to say that i use it a great great deal!!  It loves me, i love IT, we make whoppee. Yet, in the pictures they saw of me, in my ‘natural glory’…i actually was fake tan less. I think they’ve forgotten that i’m actually ETHNIC, with means i can go in the shower, quite often and my ‘brown’ won’t wash away. OOH NO!!! SHOCK HORROR!!! So just to piss them off, i’m smearing on as much fan tan as possible. I could say the devil made me do it, yet i don’t think they’ll really argue with me, once i’ve got my clothes off?? It’s the ‘tinsel.’

I’m actually feeling pretty sick today. i don’t know whether its a fluey, ‘not very well,’ or a hungover, ‘not very well??’ I had a bunch of gin last night to celebrate happiness. It was fun, yet waking up hungover, to the  screaching ‘buddhist chanting tape,’ and my brother singing every single chart song known to man, with every phone in the house ringing, and my brain banging angrily through my head, is really not fun at all…like EVER!! Oh shit, the nape of my neck is itching…this always happens after a dye job. I must have left it on for too long?? Plus, i can’t seem to get the ‘blue black’ off my body!! Infact, i don’t even know why i dyed my hair ‘blue black.’ I don’t seem to understand the term?? It’s soooo black its blue??? Who the fuck came up with that??? No-one wants blue hair to start with, and if they’re dying it black, then it shouldn’t ever really be blue?? Right?? Or am i insane?? Thats like saying it’s so pink, it’s grey!! I don’t know, i don’t even care. Pink, grey, blue, black, it’s still gonna make my bloody neck itch! ‘ll just file it under, ‘Tastes like chicken.’

Oh anyway, i’ve got to go drink at least 12 cups of coffee. My mums just arrived, which often on days of sheer hung-overness sucks, as she always begs for soooo much attention. Fuck coffee, i need another gin!! Oh Lord!!

What am i trying to prove???

Erm…so a certain someone, i’ll call her ‘Trollop,’ has basically just called my pink phone, and asked me (quote) ‘ What am i trying to prove?’ Umm…..?? I’m confused?? I kind of just said, ‘ i don’t get it,’ and tried to hang up, yet her evil tongue works at the speed of light, and jumps down my phone and into my face with a …’ With getting your tits out!!’ ‘Trollop’ (unfortuanate nickname yet totally deserving,) so happens to be an aquaintance of mine, and has discovered that upon the phone of her ‘sort of new’ boyfriend, is a naked picture of me. I say yell at him, not yell at fucking me! What am i trying to prove??? I’m not trying to prove anything really, i’m too lazy. I don’t know what she wanted me to say….?? I’m proving all asian girls are sluts?? I’m proving you really can, not wear a bra, in a barn in England?? What??? She unfortunately didn’t find this too funny…Ofcourse…i’m shit at jokes!!

So i ask her who this ‘boy’ in question is??? And when she says his name, i’m kind of thinking, ‘Oh SHIT’ i really did have sex with him one hundred and one times… ages ago, during my slutty 2005. So it tell her (honesty rocks in these situations) and yep ‘Trollop’ decides to go all one legged, ‘Heather Mills’ on me. (talking about heather mills, i had no idea she use to be a high class prostitute. You learn a new bit of history everyday.) Anyway, I then inform her that ‘Boy in question’ has apparently shagged everyone, and in 2005 i too shagged most things with a pulse (yes it is shameful, but give me a break i was lonely, and troubled) and that it really didn’t matter, as he obviously (even though i’ve never seen them together) loves her dearly, and that she too should enjoy the sites on my website.

She stays pissed off, claims she will never EVER put her pure ‘Trollpey’ eyes anywhere near my porno website (haha)…which actually makes it a lot easier to slag her off behind her back…lol… and then hurts my pink phone by hanging up on it, quite abruptly. All i can say is….we should all lay off bashing Heather Mills so hard. The chicks only got ONE flipping leg for Gods Sake!! You know that joke, that boys in britain are always saying that they once slept with a girl with only one leg, and they had to take it off and leave it to once side, before they did the dirty bonky….(if not, i must have just dated some shit men), well heelllloooo…it not a joke for her!! Its like her REAL life!! Cut Mucca some slack!! What is that bitch trying to prove??? hahahaa

And just when you say….

Okay this is why you can never let a boy know that you love them too much. Just as i had ranted and raved on about my ‘Lover de Latin,’ he calls me, he’s all sweet as cherry pie, then deliberately (to make me feel jealous) decides that he is to go to the movies and get dinner or whatever with some other fat, older woman, who has a husband and 2 kids. After a raffle load of arguements, babyish acts of pride, and a few ‘I hate yous,’ and hangups, he decided to stay home (so he says) and drink beer. Which is a much better option, if he so wishes to enjoy Chrissie Wunna ‘haven’t seen you in 5 months,’ HOT SEX  in the future, and play with my new fake boobs (if i ever get them.) I think he said, ‘You would rather me stay home then and be miserable?’ I said,’ YES!!.’ It worked! See, men CAN sometimes be smart!! Three cheers, we’re all good now, and we’re back in ‘madly in love’ zone, emphasis on the ‘mad.’ I still do love being in love with him yet he unfortunately believes i love drama, therefore wrongly caters to this misbelief. I actually HATE drama, it’s like a bad rash. It all of a sudden creeps up on you, and before you can say ‘drink it sailor,’ it’s run its merry way, all over your body, making you scratch for mercy, like a sweaty chimp. I just can’t get away from it, wherever i go… it follows. ‘Mary’ gets a lamb, i get a bloody sack load of trouble. But yes, still crazy in love with my him, i just can’t seem to help it? We fight like drunk soldiers, yet it always does make the sex a little more interesting!! Thank God for sex and insecurities!! I’ll drink to that!!

Okay, so i was meant to be spending precious shopping time with my Daddy today, i do every wednesday, yet i got pushed to one side for meetings. What’s more important than your daughter?? I mean, he shot me out of his ‘Sturdy Champ’…. 27 (ahem cough, i mean 18 ) years ago! Well i already answered that question….haha…meetings!! It actually kind of worked out well, as now i can stay home and be a snuggle bunny, instead of trampling out in the rain looking like (and this is for you Ronnie) a Silver tranny Ferocia. (You KNOW it.)

I need tea, I still adore electricity, and cupid loves me!! Shit, i hate having time off work to prepare for an audition. I’m off until May 1st prepping. I guess i should ‘prep’ and not really be writing about my trial and tribulations!! Bye Darlings!!


Blowjob for the man who invented electricity

Woke up this morning with no fucking power!! And I do mean power as in ‘electrical’, and not as in ‘super spidey strength.’ ( i always have my super spidey strength.) Probably the worse thing in the world ever to happen to me. Bollocks! Bollocks! Bollocks! Whoever the man is, who invented electricity, (i know i should know, but i was too busy passing notes through that class,) deserves daily oily massages from underaged asian girls. He is Greatness!! I LOVE electricity!! The whole entire village, where in which i live, had their power turned off until 3pm, for tests or something?? Who knows?? I thought they only tested on animals, and NOT my home life.

It was crazy, and there’s really nothing i can do without power. It made me hate my life. I couldn’t even make a cup of flipping tea, let alone anything else!!! The only options i had were, talking to myself, (which got boring after 27 mins,) singing to myself ( i sounded horrible at 10.13am), read (yeah whatever), smoke (did that a lot) or just get showered, go to sleep, and wake up when the electricity actually worked. It was insane!! I felt like i was being held hostage in my own home, and i couldn’t even do myspace!!

Anyway, i woke up after my post shower nap…still a bit pissed off with myself, for not being able to function without electrical devices, marched down to the kitchen, pour a leftover JD and coke that i had found down the sink, heard a rumbling heater rumble, so i flicked the light switch, and just like that WE HAD LIGHT!!! I am so like GOD!! I think i actually gleefully cheered, and shrieked with manic delight!! I feel safe again, and have made myself lunch, turned every bloody light in the building on to celebrate electricity, the tv is a playing, music is a blasting, and i’m right now about to make myself the best cup of tea in the world ever!! BLISS!! I’ve learnt to appreciate the simple things!! I hate the stupid fucking power tests!!!

Whatelse? Sorry to go on about that! I just wanted you to feel my pain. (feel it baby ooh-aarr) Oh yeah, i have recently been very upset with my love life, because my beau is far far away, and i haven’t been able to contact him for a wee while, due to him deciding to not pick up his phone. I always tend to hit panic button when that happens, yet try to play it cool like Fonzee. I was so sure he didn’t love me anymore, yet luckily he was just depressed and was not answering calls. Last night, as i’m about to tuck into my night time sheets, after watching’ St.trinians’ (the movie not real life…real life would be too awesome) i’m sending him an email, and the home phone rings…and yep, it was my ‘Latin lover.’ Made my night, my week, my life..(i’m a hopeless romantic..i fall in lust fast…thats the problem.) So now, i am feeling 100% loved, adored, and lucky to have my little ‘Lover de Latin,’ all over again. I guess i forgot how great we are together?? He’s my crutch, my army, my person to vent on. So yeah, we are strong like bull once more, yet this time trying to not take each other for granted. Talking to him just kind of gave me this crazy recharge of energy, that ‘happy flush’. I love being in love, i love being in love with him and ‘love’ loves me toying with its merry delights. 3 way win!! There really is nothing quite like it. It motivates me, not quite sure why, but it would be better if booze did…

Paul o Grady crap jackets and a lady of the night

Just woke up from a tiny nap, ( i bathed, it always makes me sleepy) i have a bowl of special K with blue coloured berries (love it) delicately placed by my side, i’m watching Paul o grady, who has ‘Pauline Fowler’ in bed with him and i’ve just learnt that honey makes you less alert!! A brown haired doctor on tv has just stated this. I don’t quite get it, as aren’t we supposed to have honey with tea when we’re sick? It’s meant to make us better, not less alert. God, i’m hungry now! I must be getting my period soon, i’m starting to always feel hungry and my boobs are swelling. Although the swelling boobs are a delight to you boys, just remember that in a weeks time, i might have ‘ready to go,’ boobs on top, yet underneath i’m making little red puddles in my knickers!! haha! Eww! I totally do NOT want my Special K with berries anymore. Champion!

So i don’t know why, but about 7.4 minutes ago i was thinking about some of the dodgey things people have given me, (and i’m not going to insert a herpes joke here, so you can calm yourself down please.) However really, people usually never know what to get me, even though i’m easily pleased, and i’ve had some wonder gifts, presents (the wonderful ones are usually from my mother) yet one time, my ‘latin lover’ is clearing out his dusty cupboards, as he, well ‘we’, we’re moving to not so greener pastures… at the time. And from out of this dodgey dusty cupboard trails out a horrid oversized, pleather black jacket. He hands it to me with a loving smile, and tells me to try it on, as its now mine. Ooh lucky me. You should have seen my face. I know clothes, i love clothes, i’ve shopped since being 4, and this was definiteIy one for the bonfire. Anyway, being the angel that i am, i plonk it on, it’s 20 sizes too big, it’s has bat wings on it, is fake leather, smells like its been in a dusty cupboard, has a giant red cross in the label, which means it was from a thrift shop sale, (and i hate thrift shops) and get this it had massive shoulder pads. Oh Lord.

Shoulder pads should NEVER be worn by anyone under the age of 63. The only way they can be worn if they must be worn, is if the shoulder pads, are removed from the shoulder pad area, and sewn into your bra, for an extra boobie lift or if your a boy, shoved down your boxer briefs for a little ‘sturdy 9 inch package’ deciet. Anyway the fairytale ended quite well as he noted the fact that i HATED it, and gave it to our driver. Our driver, whos a meth head, unfortunately hated it also, and gave it to a prostitute, who was real life half man half woman, and his new girlfriend. I think the prostitute kind of shunned it too, as she instead asked me to grab her some books that we’re left under a tree.

Thank God my life is way better now.

Ballet pumps slippers and a few dodgey booty calls

Ballet pump type shoes are weird. I am currently wearing a pair to try and relax my feet, as my constant high heel usage will apparently make me crippled when i’m older and duff my knees up big time. The sheer shock of potentially being crippled has made me run, in heels (lol) to buy me a new pair of flat, leather, pinky gold, ballet pump like shoes. I grew up doing ballet, so this should not be a problem. Yet, I feel very low to the ground, and not really being blessed with height, is not too great when in ballet pump type shoes, even thought they look divine. I actually feel weird, and a bit like an umpa lumpa, instead of gazelle like strutting, i seem to be waddling from side to side, like that big girl from ‘ladette to lady’ who kept puking everytime she saw seafood. I’m definitely going to ditch them, or just use them as slippers, as it’s one thing wearing ballet type shoes, whilst doing ballet, yet wearing them daily, when you are no longer in any sort of ballet class, is pretty pointless (unless you are a umpa lumpa.) Maybe i’ll just get use to them. I’ve only given them 10 minutes to prove themselves…haha, i must run a tight ship. No wonder all my ex-boyfriends hate me. Just joking, they adore me, however only at 2 am, when there’s no-one left at the bar who wants to give’em the old bonky. I get lots of those after social hours drunken booty calls, mainly from the boys in LA, who haven’t quite realised that i’m actually in a whole different country right now??? One boy was so drunk that he thought he actually saw me at the bar, so called me up whilst completely unsober, to ask me where i was,  when did i leave, and do i want to meet up with him??? Erm…yeah, i left that Hollywood bar approximately 5 months ago. No repsectable girl responds to those calls. My ex-hubby is the champion of them, you get the whole serenade and everything and sometimes bizarro ‘jack-off’ sounds. Lucky lucky me! I’m a glamour puss, glamour pusses SLEEP, as we have to get up at 6am to get our boobies out for the nation daily. We’re too busy looking after our glamourous- selves to be calling our unobtainable (haha)  booty to work at 3.01am and if it is going ‘to work’, we already have our victim laid directly underneath us by then! Get with it boys!!

Rock bottom is soooooo 2006.

Morning my goodies!! I’ve just popped the kettle on, and i’m raring to go!! I’m feeling very positive today, so lets all rejoice and ‘bring out the banners.’ I just recieved a disturbing email from a someone who i’ll name, ‘oh you’re depressed again…what a surprise?’ I guess they have been unable to contact me due to serious save the world issues like binge drinking, drugs and depression. I mean we’ve all had our joyous time on the stoney cold pebbley hell hole floor, also known as ‘Rock bottom,’ one or twice in our lives, yet it seems to me this person is a permanant resident, and the subject is soooooooooooo ‘tired.’ All i’m going to say is, ‘BOUNCE BACK’ ability is what makes you successful in life and not wallowing in self pity. For a young girl, i’ve been through a lot, yet when i fell all the way down to the dirty bottom, i seemed to hit the ground with a giant, McTHUD and bound back up again in 3 seconds flat, and that takes genius, hence my Queen of Greatness title. Things are only as bad as you make them. So i tend not to dwell on sadness or those who are sad. Infact, i try to make them happy, yet my jester like qualities fail to amuse. By all means feel it, (and that’s the pain, and not the’privates,’ the quicker you do, the quicker it is to get over it right?? Yet please do, have the balls (yee-haa cowboy)  to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and tango your way back up to the top, however this time with even better Va Voom. Nobody wants to date the guy at ‘Rock bottom,’ its just dirty, and so 2006. Me no likey! Gives me the heebie jeebies. Plus i think the term ‘Rock bottom,’ is now just a flowery excuse for people who don’t want to be winners??? (Did i say it right?? hahaha)

Yet saying that, ‘Oh your depressed again,’ could just be claiming that he’s been depressed… in order to avoid me, (not too pleasant) and make me feel sorry for him, (even worse.) Either way, i still have the better tan, so yeah see…lifes still good, there’s always a positive, and i’m enjoying every second breath.

Now for my coffee, and my hours of vocal training. I love it!! Life is grand!!

I am the biggest light weight right now…it sucks!!

Fuzzy headed. I love mixed drinks, yet they always seem to make me feel like crap. I can”’ t party like i use to too, and i don’t know why?? England (after LA) is like rehab. I’m much happier yet really quite rubbish at ‘boozey nights.’ If i am too, saunter back over to la la land soon, i really need to beable to mix all drinks, drink them, not feel hungover, and at the same time as being a size zero. ( i’m not a size zero, and i still can’t hold a cocktail…i’m doomed.)

Anyway, i’m feeling lovely, i’m feeling sexy and after another day of shopping, buying other people phones, and sore feet…i think a giant rest is in order before i start revving up the work engine again. I have been working non-stop, and i love it, yet in order to avoid nervous breakdowns, RESTS are to be taken inbetween each massive work marathon. I had a lovely posh lunch today with the Great Wunna before me, and my darling younger sibling, yet trying to disguise my fuzzy head was a wee bit tedious. I think everyone noticed, as i ordered a coke with my salad, and not a glass of Vino. Oh the shock!! I’m a light weight, yet a cheap date boys…wink wink….well not really…i’m extremely high maintenance, yet not financially more emotionally!!

I’m currently drinking a bitter lemon and vodka, as it’s all i could find in the cupboard within my reach, i’m only 5ft 4. (all good things except for giant pink cars, and ice-cream trucks come in small packages.) I’m only drinking the bitter lemon vodka, in dying hope that my ‘immune system to booze’ will become superhero strong. Note, this may sound bizarro to you yet i’m not the only person in the world who does it. Its always better then having one drink, gaining beer goggles, and ending up spread eagle, on some poor ugly sods bedroom floor. I’ll at least beable to have two before i’m so drunk i let him take advantage if my sweet nature.

I need to go…kisses

I wish i was on a hot date

I just got back form ‘Race night’ with the boys of the secret hand shake club. I won the grand total of £3. My horse came in first, yet i only bet a £1…haha . Basically i was in a room, in my full glamour puss glory, and i really do mean FULL pussy glory…i looked divine and like i should’ve worn way more clothes, yet i try to never feel embarassed, glamour pusses, (incase ur hoping to be one when u grow up??) never get embarrassed, even at the most embarassing times. Anyway, there was ME, a bunch of old men, a plate of pie and peas, horse racing, booze, and a plate of pie and peas!! Note, i really am a fat bitch now, the curves have got to go…as theres too many of them and in all the wrong places!

Other than that, i had a great day. It was a day of spending money for no reason. I usually don’t enjoy these days as i’m really quite tight (ooh-darling.) Yet, i splurged, bought an outfit or two, and now will no longer be spending until, i really need something. I have some major jobs coming up, a major audition coming up, and my body really needs to at least try and co-operate with the shedding of the pounds operation. I mean, u know ur too fat to wear an outfit when, u can’t sit down, without chaffing your inside part, and potentially ripping your dress open…and not good kind ‘ripping your dress open.’

The shit thing about today was that everyone was very coupley. I was very not, as my ‘other part to my couple’ is not picking up his phone after i sent him cold hard cash….what a surprise. Apparently his phone has broken….hmm…ofcourse it has darling. Why do i always end up with the shit ‘can’t do anything’ guys! It’s my own fault, i pick’em…haha. I met 2 hot guys today, yet both were attached to girls. One was quite devoted, however,the other, was staring at my clevage, winking at me and asking me out behind the girls back. He was cute, kind of a ‘not as handsome version’ of my LA friend Ryan. I didn’t fancy him though, i just felt like being flirty, because i haven’t flirted in ages, or been on a date. Infact, ‘not as handsome version of Ryan,’ just made me miss ‘real life handsome ryan.’ Typical.

I’m starting to get the attention i would get in LA now, whilst strutting the streets, and although, i like it a lot, i am definitely missing my friends out there. If my latin lover  ‘his phone has apparently broken,’ just got his shit together,  i would be there… by now. Ugh!! SUCKS!!

I’m a drunk dialer and thats NOT hot

Hi Lovers, i have spent the morning dancing around infront of mirrors to various poppy themed tunes, and thats ‘poppy’ as in ‘music genre’, and not as in ‘ opium flower.’ You should try it… it’s endless fun, (and that’s the ‘dancing around’ for no particular reason that’s fun…, and not the ‘opium poppy.’) Oh god, i’ve already got off to a shakey blog writng start…it’s the 17 cups of coffee i’ve had, after a night of one million and one vodka & bitter lemons!!

I’ve found that i’m a drunk dialer….y’know, one of those dosey tarts, that has a shot in her, and decides to make random phones to people she hasn’t called in a million years, and bosses of companies who will now be listenning to the voicemails and thinking i’m a dizzy lunatic. Yeah, DRUNK DIALING is not HOT ever. I must remember to teach my daughter that, when i decide to have one…haha. Its the ‘Paris Hilton’ book i’m reading, it needs to come with a ‘caution’, or warning sticker stamped upon it, stating the side effects you will recieve during the process of reading the book. I’m definitely drinking more, and saying ‘HOT’ way too much. Slippery slope!

My life is great, and i’m feeling wonderful today, divine and full of life. I’m feeling very strong, very social and like i can conquer the universe. Plus, i have a great face on today, with always makes me feel better. I guess, it’s been a day of looking back at all the fun i’ve had, smiling  and cracking up at the fact that i’m probably going to enjoy making all those mistakes ALL over again!! I’ve been a rebel, a party Queen, i’m now a glamour puss, and the stories i can tell are ridiculously hilarious…now ( at the time they sucked.) I also feel lucky, as i seem to have managed to get away with a lot!! I’m still standing, and still the Queen of all things GREAT, and have a reputation that is priceless!! hahahahaha

i need to make more coffee and eat. I’m on this crap ‘not eating as much’ diet, and it makes me a little moodier than usual. Its all filed under ‘good times baby yeah.’ I’m missing my friends in LA, yet loving the time that i’m having here!! I feel so lucky and i’m not taking anything for granted!! (apart for the things that i’m totally taking for granted…) I’m bubbling over with ‘joie de vivre’ (is that even the right phrase??) Whocares, life is grand, i’m i’m Happy bitches happy!!

Now for that coffee, i need to stay awake as i’m off to Meadowhall tonight ( a tip for the stalkers)..haha, it’s late night shopping and dinner at ‘Nandos’ with the fam. We like to go when it’s quiet, almost closing and not so devastatingly busy, my mum claims, less people stare at the table and squeeze their imaginary boobs at me. She’s quite feisty and always feels the need to get up and say something!! Hilarious!! OOh i’m hungry now!