I love my life, so you should love it too…

Lovely lovely, likey likey! I’m feeling wonderful, i’m feeling sexy, i’m feeling set for superstardom, and i’ve just found out i have a ‘superhuman’ friend!! I’m so lucky to live such a wonderful life, and i’m so lucky to have this Gin and Tonic infront of me. Work is pouring in, and i’m having the best bloody time doing it!! And that’s my motto for anyone in life….’just have the best bloody time, doing it.’ That’s definitely what got the rumours of Chrissie Wunna stirring in Hollywood…or was that because i slept with handsome faced boys??? (haha…oooh she’s a funny one.) Too many people waste too much time worrying, about what people think of them, or what they SHOULD do with their lives, or why, why why???? (shoot me) I’ve never been one to care what people thought, (it’s worked for me, and against me) i was always there to entertain. (always worked for me.) I’ve always and usually by accident had a GREAT fucking time, and ALL OVER the world. I’ve danced, i’ve romanced, i’ve laughed out loud in very quiet places. I’ve wiggled on top of tables, i’ve hidden underneath them (dressed as a fairy in a UV room_fyi, not a good place to hide in white fairy wings), i’ve worked hard, i’ve loved hard, i’ve cried hard, and managed to real life karate chop someone, whilst screaming, ‘KARRRRRATEEEE CHOOOOP,’ and if more people were this wonderful way, we’d be living in a dodgey hollywood V.I.P room screaming for mercy…hahaha, so thank GOD for the brainiacts, or the ‘stiffs’ who keep a moral code of conduct for us all to aspire toward!! lol….

I need another G&T, i miss Hollyweird, i LOVE my life!!! Hurrah for pink phones!

Rub me all over with a Russell Brand Loofah

I’ve just woken up, and although it’s 11.30am, i did actually wake up at 7.30 am,  it felt so good in my sheets, that i didn’t want to part with them…so i snuggled up, read ‘Glamour’ magazine, and had a little play with my ‘Mary popins!!’ (love it!) Perfect morning! I had this weird dream last night, of a blond boy i went to school with, gently walking up to me, whilst i was sitting on a walk, that guarded a very beautiful ocean and sunset. I was brushing my teeth (bizarro??)….he kissed me on the back of the of my neck, told me he loved me……and i can’t remember the rest…hahahahaha!! (got to becareful!!) I love the feeling of surprise kisses, on my neck. Shame it was just a dream really…haha

Anyway, i’m fighting fit, spent quality time, with Great Wunna before me. I probably have the BEST mother in the world ever, to the point that it makes others wish she was theres. I told her how lucky i was to have her, and then in good old ‘Wunna’ style, i decided to get extremely distracted and have a major crush on ‘Russell Brand.’ Yep, i’ve just watched him gyrating, and being a british arse, in ‘Forgetting Sarah marshall,’ and now i believe it’s love. There’s something about his teeth, his sarcasm, his sillyness, and basic Va Voom, that qualifies him as a Major Chrissie Wunna crush!! I love him, and i also love ‘Atlas’ from the new Gladiators series thats making a reappearance. I couldn’t have chosen 2 more different men!! Yet, i have a man who loves me dearly, and i love him too…. so, i wouldn’t change him for anything in the world, apart from…Russell Brand….hahaha! You can totally be in a relationship and have little crushes. I’ve learnt not to follow through on my crushes now though…lol. Unless he wants to shower me with expensive gifts, and his name is, Russell Brand!!

Enough of that!! I have a busy week, i’m totally excited about it, and i can’t wait until saturday gets here, as my busy week will be over…haha…and i can shop. It’s a beautiful day outside, and i’ve started my new healthy diet regime with a McChicken sandwich. Bastard!! I love you!

xxxx

Ask Chrissie….

I have a new ‘Ask Chrissie’ section…where you can and quite obviously ASK CHRISSIE ( well…Me) anything you so wish, either about myself, yourself or some other important life topic!!! I’m not shy, so you have my permission to get as personal as you so wish. I will try my very best to answer you’re questions, so you too can be as GREATNESS as I!! However if i just ‘don’t get it’ be prepared for random sarcastic remarks or a simple, ‘i don’t get it?’

I’m doing this… as a dear dear friend of mine  believes people have got me all wrong, or only ‘think’ they know me. The facts are there but a little jumbled apparently. So heres your chance to get to know me a wee bit better darlings….

kisses

I’m too busy to do this tomorrow!!!

Okay, so i’ve just got back from a quick late night shopping session, i still feel like shit, yet because i’m gonna be ‘oh so too busy and important’ tomorrow, i am writing you this blog, and basically so i don’t have to hear you bitch and moan.

I’m about to go to bed….each night before i do, i check my email, whilst i’m tucked inbetween my sheets. I’m happy because my ‘Latin Lover’ emailed me sweet words of lurve, yet i’m sad because i feel like a miserable cow today…as you’ve probably noticed. Tomorrow, i’ll be chipper, as i’m having to rise at some unGodly hour, therefore 45 cups of milky coffee will be swilling inside my system before 9am. I love my life, it loves me too, and if i wake up to that bloody buddhist chanting tape, i will be forced to gauge my eye out…and that too will have to happen before 9am. A bit messy really.

I’m starting to get bored with my job. (here we go) But really i am. I mean it’s fun, yet there’s only so much of it you can do until it’s just the same old, same old… i want something new and exciting to happen. It’s about to, however that also, after a couple months will become a snooze fest i predict. Who cares, i’m lucky right now, and i’m gonna milk my good looks, as much as i possibly can!! I just need to quit moaning, as my life is pretty damn good. It would kind of be better if i was sunning it in LA right now though, and getting Coffee Bean, on 3rd and La Cienega and laying by the pool at The Standard winking at male hotties. But whatever i have to wait ’til summer.

Night night my darlings, i love you sooooooooooooooo much!! xxxx

I need to get better, and like NOW!!

I’m still sick, ‘Golden balls’ is on tv, i just got out the shower, and i’m deciding to hate the person who invented those crappy text message shorthand, emotion symbols. Some of those things are so hard to comprehend, like ‘ ?-( ‘   which apparently means, ‘i have a black eye,’ that simply writing, ‘ i have a black eye’ would seemingly be way less tedious. Why butcher the English language with a mish-mesh of symbols that don’t play nicely. It’s almost as bad as morse code. A simple screachy, ‘FUCKING HELP ME NOW,’ is much easier than finding a torch, and having to ‘dot, dot, dash…’ or whatever the fuck it is…hahaha…with the flashlight, into the dark night sky, hoping that someone, a million miles away, reads your signal and comes to your rescue. Me no likey!!

Even though i’m sick, i have this funny feeling my father wants to take me shopping this evening, and buy me dinner. I believe i will promptly make a swift recovery, as a body in motion stays in motion. It’s like pudding it ‘goes down a different hoIe. I’m only sick because my body is resting, and not doing anything, except looking pretty. It doesn’t know how to take the rest, so it’s deciding to be ill. Plus it has no-one to touch skins with, so it feels a lot less alive, than usual!!! It’s so use to simply side stepping into the next cosy bed…hahaha…

I love you my pretties, and i’m sorry that my barter has been shite today, yet soon, it will get better…i hope…or i’m pretty much F**ked! Good times!!

This is how not to get a girl to shag you!!

A guy on facebook, by the name of Mohammed..hope your reading this (knobhead) has just sent me 2 personal messages!! I’ve never met this guy, yet most of my Facebook friends are my actual real life friends…i went to school with them etc….

Mohammed sends me a message saying he thinks i’m ‘very very very baaaaaad.’ Boys always try to talk dirty with me via the net, i usually ignore them..or expose them, or show my mum.)  He then sends a follow up message which reads, ‘ i want to see your hole. I bet it’s hot and black.’

Boys if you want to pull Chrissie Wunna, ( and its really not that hard of a pull if you have diamonds)… ‘Mohammed’ (my new term for this technique) is not the way to my sheets!! Note ‘Diamonds’ not talk of ‘hot black holes’  Jesus!! You really want to shag a sick girls ‘black hole??’ Pervert!!

I’m sick bitch!

Uh..i actually feel horrible today. I’m really sick, my head feels like it’s been cleverly stuffed with screwed up newspaper, and i’m having to deal with evil people, who like to take advantage of girls in the Glamour model industry. There’s some cheeky bastards out there and i’ve seen it all…well mainly in LA, where i’ve had penis’s rubbed up against me, mid evening studio session, people taking jobs away from me because i won’t show them my ‘pussy’, (exact quote there)  i’ve been inappropriately felt up, used, fooled, stolen from and drugged..you name it i’ve been through it, so this little morning ‘bouncing cheque’ thing.. is actually a breath of fresh air. Now i think about it, i’m actually happy!…hahahahaha!! Warning those who try to punk me. I have secret ninja abilities..when drunk!  I feel better already. Not really, i feel soooo sick..don’t know what happened? But i’m sure a round of antibiotics will kill it off. It better ‘kill off’ or the big audition, i’m meant to be prepping for, will go horribly wrong!! Typical! Oh i feel like shit! I’m bed ridden, and not good kind Chrissie Wunna in bed….ridden??

What was i going to talk about?? Oh yeah, my boobs. So everyone has given me the big ‘no no flowerpot’ on my getting bigger boobs discussion. I don’t get why?? I’m a lot littler in real life than you would believe. I had a boy come up to me in shock, and say how he thought i would be much taller, and much fatter in real life. I’m only 5 ft 4, and a skinny little thing. I have a mouth that makes up for it though, so why not have a set of boobies to match the big mouth??? I’m just looking for balance, thats all!! Ofcourse not really,(shit i’m doing a lot of lying today) i’m looking for massive boobie delight, that i can beat on like bongos, to shock and disturb the masses, so the talking about me will continue for years to come! haha! I’ve never really had big boobies… so i wonder what it would be like??  You say ‘no no’ i say ‘ooh laa daddy.’ Oh my GOD, did Amy Winehouse just headbutt someone on tv!!!! GO BACK TO REHAB..GODDAMIT!! Infact the lunchtime news today is really disturbing. My tv is telling me that 1 in 3 girls are self-harming, by cutting, hitting or burning themselves!! WHAT!!! I need to take these precious girls, and teach them other ways to have fun! I mean, come on cherubs, don’t burn your-bloody-selves! Come see Aunty Chrisse, she’ll make you a cuppa tea, and show you some love. Isn’t that terrible!! What has happened??

Anyway, due to my feeling ill thing, (drama queen alert) i must tend to my ill self, and make myself some lunch. Wish me better! I’ll check in later!! Kisses

I’m really quite annoying yet its okay cos i’m Hot??

Okay, so i’ve been a bit ‘off’ mode all day. I now think i have hydrogen peroxide poisoning, which is fun…as always, and i have a definite period approaching….the mood is somewhat swingey, (and not in the good way swingey, not that there is a good way really, right?)

Anyway so i decide to call ‘Loverboy’ in LA, i always tend to when my mood is swingey…lucky him! Unfortunately, his mood was pretty shit also, i could tell as soon as he answered the phone, he was mid brushing his teeth and getting ready to pound the pavement, to succeed in life, and set a foundation for the future. During his ‘getting ready’ and a conversation about how are backgrounds are too different for us to get along nicely…he realises that his gay roomate has moved his shoes. He hits panic button, as these are the shoes, in which he had visioned, pounding the pavement with. They were nowhere to be found, he was getting stressed out. He’s slowly, (well fast) getting more and more pissed off, and puts me on speakerphone, as he needs to begin rummaging.

Speakerphone is never a good place to put me, especially when one is stressed. I always know that a whole room can here me during speakerphone moments, therefore like a trained monkey…the performing begins. The performing is usually quite entertaining, however the mixture of my PMS, and his stress is far from anyones ‘happy place.’. Anyway, he’s starting to blame the world for his missing shoes, (when really he should just be blaming his gay roomate) and feels highly underpressure, so i decide it would be funny, whilst on speakerphone, to sing the Benny Hill theme tune, over and over and over and over and over again, during his hunt. (i thought wrong, but whatever its priceless!!) Imagine me, on your speakerphone singing a repetitive theme tune, whilst you are frantically looking for shoes!! Greatness!! people would pay for that!! But not ‘Loverboy.’ There were cries of pain, yells of anger, and yet still i continued to ‘Benny Hill theme tune’ the moment, just to up the excitement. He is now in a full on panic. My tune is getting faster and faster. He is threatening to hangup if i don’t shut up, because my tunage is making him feel under pressure and like he has to move faster!! lol… I am wetting myself and not because i’m a dirty tart, but because it’s hilarious!!! (note this moment was only funny because he was taking the shoe hunt VERY seriously.)

Like most men i date, i managed to drive him to the bottle. He gave in, got so stressed out,  marched to the refrigerator and was forced to make himself a bloody mary because he couldn’t handle my shit anymore. I am CHAMPION and it did actually make me feel better. I hope i didn’t ruin his day???

So i finished the call and went to watch ‘Strictly baby fight club,’ on tv… (which is 4 year olds, thai boxing in cages….HORRID!!) I need to get some sleep!! Night!!n I really do have hydrogen peroxide poisoning.

Sugar and spice and all things GIN!

Lovers welcome!  I’ve just dyed my hair a whole shade blacker just because a commercial told me to be a ‘shade braver.’ I feel hot, it looks hot, yet my father says my look is soooo, in your face ‘Look at me.’ Okay so i get that girls are beautiful no matter how they come blah blah, wake me up when i’m done… yet the good thing about about my ‘ look at me’ look, is that when i go out and grace the streets, people actually ‘Look AT ME.’ (it’s the whole point) And yes, they may snigger due to the in your face, boobs out, hair done, lippy galore, bold tan thing, yet it works for me bitches…it works!!! (well most of the time anyhow…) I try to ‘tantalise with tinsel,’ so to speak. (oh shut up, it works.)

Talking about tans…i booked a shoot for a US mag, even though i’m supposed to be on my ‘prepping break’ and they want me to look as natural as possible. So i had to send them along some photos of me, naked yet natural looking…(i hate the natural ones, as they’re never any fun.) Anyway, they loved my pics and i’m doing the shoot in a couple days, yet said ‘a lot less of that fake tan shit.’ Okay, i am known as the Goddess of fake tan, and i am not ashamed to say that i use it a great great deal!!  It loves me, i love IT, we make whoppee. Yet, in the pictures they saw of me, in my ‘natural glory’…i actually was fake tan less. I think they’ve forgotten that i’m actually ETHNIC, with means i can go in the shower, quite often and my ‘brown’ won’t wash away. OOH NO!!! SHOCK HORROR!!! So just to piss them off, i’m smearing on as much fan tan as possible. I could say the devil made me do it, yet i don’t think they’ll really argue with me, once i’ve got my clothes off?? It’s the ‘tinsel.’

I’m actually feeling pretty sick today. i don’t know whether its a fluey, ‘not very well,’ or a hungover, ‘not very well??’ I had a bunch of gin last night to celebrate happiness. It was fun, yet waking up hungover, to the  screaching ‘buddhist chanting tape,’ and my brother singing every single chart song known to man, with every phone in the house ringing, and my brain banging angrily through my head, is really not fun at all…like EVER!! Oh shit, the nape of my neck is itching…this always happens after a dye job. I must have left it on for too long?? Plus, i can’t seem to get the ‘blue black’ off my body!! Infact, i don’t even know why i dyed my hair ‘blue black.’ I don’t seem to understand the term?? It’s soooo black its blue??? Who the fuck came up with that??? No-one wants blue hair to start with, and if they’re dying it black, then it shouldn’t ever really be blue?? Right?? Or am i insane?? Thats like saying it’s so pink, it’s grey!! I don’t know, i don’t even care. Pink, grey, blue, black, it’s still gonna make my bloody neck itch! ‘ll just file it under, ‘Tastes like chicken.’

Oh anyway, i’ve got to go drink at least 12 cups of coffee. My mums just arrived, which often on days of sheer hung-overness sucks, as she always begs for soooo much attention. Fuck coffee, i need another gin!! Oh Lord!!

What am i trying to prove???

Erm…so a certain someone, i’ll call her ‘Trollop,’ has basically just called my pink phone, and asked me (quote) ‘ What am i trying to prove?’ Umm…..?? I’m confused?? I kind of just said, ‘ i don’t get it,’ and tried to hang up, yet her evil tongue works at the speed of light, and jumps down my phone and into my face with a …’ With getting your tits out!!’ ‘Trollop’ (unfortuanate nickname yet totally deserving,) so happens to be an aquaintance of mine, and has discovered that upon the phone of her ‘sort of new’ boyfriend, is a naked picture of me. I say yell at him, not yell at fucking me! What am i trying to prove??? I’m not trying to prove anything really, i’m too lazy. I don’t know what she wanted me to say….?? I’m proving all asian girls are sluts?? I’m proving you really can, not wear a bra, in a barn in England?? What??? She unfortunately didn’t find this too funny…Ofcourse…i’m shit at jokes!!

So i ask her who this ‘boy’ in question is??? And when she says his name, i’m kind of thinking, ‘Oh SHIT’ i really did have sex with him one hundred and one times… ages ago, during my slutty 2005. So it tell her (honesty rocks in these situations) and yep ‘Trollop’ decides to go all one legged, ‘Heather Mills’ on me. (talking about heather mills, i had no idea she use to be a high class prostitute. You learn a new bit of history everyday.) Anyway, I then inform her that ‘Boy in question’ has apparently shagged everyone, and in 2005 i too shagged most things with a pulse (yes it is shameful, but give me a break i was lonely, and troubled) and that it really didn’t matter, as he obviously (even though i’ve never seen them together) loves her dearly, and that she too should enjoy the sites on my website.

She stays pissed off, claims she will never EVER put her pure ‘Trollpey’ eyes anywhere near my porno website (haha)…which actually makes it a lot easier to slag her off behind her back…lol… and then hurts my pink phone by hanging up on it, quite abruptly. All i can say is….we should all lay off bashing Heather Mills so hard. The chicks only got ONE flipping leg for Gods Sake!! You know that joke, that boys in britain are always saying that they once slept with a girl with only one leg, and they had to take it off and leave it to once side, before they did the dirty bonky….(if not, i must have just dated some shit men), well heelllloooo…it not a joke for her!! Its like her REAL life!! Cut Mucca some slack!! What is that bitch trying to prove??? hahahaa