Red wine sucks!!

So nothing is better than finishing your Easter friday night off, with indian food, a bottle of red, seeing a girl you went to high school with, and a crap hockey playing Bollywood film!!

I feel wonderful, a little bit tipsy, slightly boy crazy, and upset at my ‘Latin Lover’, for not IM-ing me, and pretending like he’s helping someone move boxes, when really he’s in Vegas with his ‘not blessed with beauty,’ sister.

But who cares, i’m a STAR, and i’m loving every minute!! So as i slip into something a little more comfortable, (ooooh sailor,) i send you Mckisses and a slutty handful of winks!! xx

Easter/drunks and Hamburger Mary’s

So we finally made it to Easter, and i’ve been in Doncaster all day shopping. All i can say really, is that you know you’re in Donny, when mid-shop, you get caught up, in a tornado made up of Doncaster’s finest trash!! I had old newspapers, last nights drunken leftovers, and curry boxes, whirl winding around me, at the speed of light. Then i went for lunch at ‘Que Pasa,’ and talked to an old mother, with bleach blond hair, and a somewhat too manly voice, who was on the look out for the next ‘not so’ handsome stranger, who had brought her 8 year old daughter to the bar with her for help, whilst she sipped a vodka coke!! YES!!! Happy Easter little 8 yr old!! She said i had a nice tan. (it’s fake)

Anyway, after a few beers, a few drunken men howling at me, and a stripper pole, i open a national enquirer, and in it is ‘Hamburger Mary’s…a bar i use to go to all the time in LA, because you can get fishbowl margaritas for $5!! ‘Will,’ from ‘Will & Grace,’ had been in there, and he was standing by, the guy, (wait for it)… that i had sold my friends arse to for a piece of gum, and a cigarette!! Can you believe it?? I guess he went from dancing on tour with Janet Jackson, to selling Losers like me, fishbowl margaritas at Hamburger Mary’s…at least he’s moving up in the world! I need to get back to LA!!

As much as i would love to natter, i really can’t be bothered, as i have dinner at ‘Aaagra’, in about….oh shit…right now!! Fuck!! I love you!!

Silver tranny ferocia

And just when you think the world’s a safer place, you’re good model friend in LA, I’ll call him, ‘Whore,’….IM’s me, at 11am his time, just to call me, ‘Silver Tranny Ferocia!!.’ Greatness!! I love it!! (hahaha) You know you have a good friend when you get called a ‘Tranny from Translyvania,’ (hahah), and a ‘where did you go you Fucking bitch!!’ I did once sell his ass, for a piece of gum, and a cigarette. And unforuanately, the ending of that story didn’t end so blissfully…for HIM, yet ofcourse…i don’t care, it’s hilarious, and thats all that matters!!! (Evil laugh) Lots of my friends actually enjoy calling me a ‘Tranny.’ This one ex boyf, when devastatingly pissed off, and after i had lovingly stated that he came as ‘chubby bartender,’ again for halloween. Saw me dressed as a ‘Slutty cave girl,'( fyi, i was HOT)  and said i looked like a burmese tranny, yet on a second tier.’ I say, yeah….you weren’t saying that when you were trying to pummel my booty, with your ‘incher’, on my roomates bed. Hurrah!! Three cheers!!

Anyway, enough of the misty watercoloured memories.( ho-hum) LA model friend did go on to DEMAND, that if i did not watch a certain ‘clip’ i would DIE! Honey ‘ooh uh-uh,’ i don’t think so. Many have tried to a kill me, yet i just keep coming back!! (hahahaha) What i really actually said was ‘As if, i have an army of STD’s to protect me.’ He claimed, they would,’DIE,’ too. I ended the sweet convo off, saying, Thank God, as my vaginas starting to smell like a mexican donkey!.’

And they all lived happily ever after!

The Ultimate Glamour puss.

Feeling much better now, as just like magic, you wish for company…and you get it!! I think 5 minutes after i wallowed in self pity, and ‘oh so ‘ loneliness, the door thundered down, and in marched a parade of fine stragglers ….with booze. Yep, i’m definitely a people person, or a moaney bitch, attention whore, yet either versions fine with me!! I kinda like ‘drunken glamour puss,’ too.

When i was little ( oh here we go..) my idol was, believe it or not, Joan Colins. Weird right, for a 6 year old, but she was. I loved everything about her, the way she moved, the way she talked, the way she bitched people out, with her sharp yet champagne dripped tongue. She was a man eater, she wore diamonds to bed, and i loved her SO much, that when i was 7… i did a glamourous ‘Joan Colins’ type, ‘walking down giant elegant stairway,’ photo shoot, white fur and everything. Today that’s called child pornography, (hahahaha), yet back in the 80’s it was my version of Glamour. I was always WAY ahead of the masses as a child when it came to being sexy, and trying to look glamourous. Sometimes under my school uniform, to impress a boy i was dating, (he was only 14…lol..) i would wear stockings, garters, lingerie, and red n black lace panties. I think i just liked the thought of turning men on, at a very young age…hahaha, so yeah, nothing much has changed…boring story!!

But YES! We have beer and as i speak, a random, don’t know him at all person, has just IM-ed saying, ‘Do u wunna F**k?’ and ‘Am i still learning Korean?’ I wrote back, ‘ Wrong person, and Nah thanx, i’m washing my hair.’

I’m so bored

Having a really boring day today. It’s a total snooze. Nothing to do, nothing to see, no-one to talk to, and it’s freezing outside. I just want something ridiculously exciting to happen, that shocks some, ‘ooh laa,’ into me. I want to be back in the sun, i want to be dancing around aimlessly, and i want just ‘anything,’ to happen. I hate quiet and stillness, when i want to hear some noise. I’m alone with nothing to do, armed with a bowl of chicken. Says it all really.

Nightcaps are a no no

Just woke up, and i can’t quite figure out whether, i’m getting the flu, or whether, i just shouldn’t have had that sugary, vodkary nightcap?? I promised myself, that my lips would never bless that drinky ever again. But F**k it whatever, promises are there to be broken! Wait…no, that’s ‘Rules.’ (haha) I’m dumb too! Oh save me from myself!!!

Other than a slight hangover, i’m feeling wonderful. It’s actually hilarious,( as i walk into giant objects, littering my path,) and the ‘HELL-like’ weather outside, is perfect for complimenting, the ‘fuzz,’ going on  inside…. my head. Not too worry though, life is great, and there’s nothing that a good cup of tea, or another beer can’t fix!! Around this time last year, my friend and I, were making, our other friend, steal Indian food from his work place for us to eat, in West Hollywood. Oh the ‘Joy’s of previous starvation! Thank God i decided to be the ( and in The Wizard of Waz’s words…that’s an early morning mouthful) ‘The Buddha, of getting my boobs out for a living.’

Big kisses…godda go to work! xxx

Too tight!!

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It’s just too tight and it’s all for you!! Its wednesday, my Darlings and as always i’m here to please, so sit back , relax, and enjoy this in the privacy of you’re own pervy corner….wink wink.

Yoga Blows

Yoga should just never happen. I really don’t see the benefit in going into a quiet room, full of a mix CD of people, then putting your leg behing your head, for 30 mins, to find peace, and bloody balance???? As if thats mindful?? It’s flipping stupid!! The only good thing about yoga class, is the part at the end, when you get to take a nap, in the dark. I’m not just barking off, without biting. I have actually done many a yoga class, and given it many a chances. Yet, it has failed to impress me over and over again. I once did that stupid yoga, where a million people are packed into an over heated room, and this scary looking hippy, in a tiny blue speedo thing, was stretching a little to fancily for my liking. I was terrified! It looked like he was on his way to the Russian circus, rather than total enlightenment!! When class was done, i just wanted gnaw my own arm off. I’m just crap at it, and i think that’s why i hate it. Putting my leg behind my neck is unfortunately not my forte, however, i am really good at putting my legs around other peoples necks and in the dark!!

All i’m gonna say is Glamour pusses, DON’T become YOGI people. We Puss, Glamour, and sip champagne in our underwear, not balance on our heads!! We do sometimes, however ‘downward dog,’ it but still…theres always champagne.