Tits Ahoy

I don’t really have anything to report, except mild back ache. Give me a week, and i will be ready to flaunt my flipping floaters, the way all great floaters, should be flaunted!! (appaulse) I can’t wait..the sheer excitement of feeling like a glamour puss again, and ‘Doing the Do, damn right,’ is more than i can handle!! I did however have a hugely concerning moment where i felt i looked partially like the ‘Hunch back of Notre Dame,’ exactly 75 mins ago, yet a quick call to LA, made me feel like a MILLION DOLLARS, and push those tired shoulders back! I’m getting there!!

Life is Great! I’m happy, at peace, and feeling very very loved….which helps an attention whore like myself, more than you can imagine! I just want to feel feminine and girly again, instead of feeling boring & disabled, and start entertaining you boys!! And i believe the time is almost here!! I feel like i’ve been put on hold. How can i be clean when my soul is telling me to be dirty!!!??!

I know you’re all probably eager to see my new additions, and want to hear stories of me sitting butt naked, and topless, on my bed, legs open, tits in hands, with a pout of champions etc..etc…and i don’t think it’s gonna be long now!! Hahahaha! Lucky boys!! I’m getting random calls from random people, so if you are one of those ‘randoms’ don’t bother! I’m also getting lots of calls from Exes all over the world, and same goes really, ‘Don’t bother,’ i mean you didn’t really bother, when you were supposed to…did ya?? (oooh stiletto to the heart!!)  Now that i have fakies, every boy wants to be the FIRST boy to see and sample.

Well let me tell you….the first person to see and sample, will be Me, and i can’t wait. I rarely ever try to ‘Show and sell’ something, that i haven’t touched, tried and tested myself. Lucky me! Purrrr….

I love Penis

So here’s something you should never do when you’re recovering mentally, emotionally, and physically of your first boob job, and that is WATCH FUCKING ‘FIGHT CLUB’ for breakfast! Oh my God!! It’s sooooooo violent, and taxing on the brain!! I feel like, i’ve just been ferociously jerked around, beat up and thrown in a quick car wreck. It was like Day 1, of recovery!!! I knew i should’ve just watched crap morning telly. JESUS CHRIST!! Good film! Bad time! My fault! I’m having to do these crazy movie marathons until Friday, the day when God loves me, and rids me of my boobie bandages!! I’m FREE…(and in all senses of the word…wink wink.) Yesterday, it was ‘Walk the line.’ I’m there, watching Johnny Cash’s bloody drug ADDICTION, as i’m having to swallow down my rockstar painkillers. JESUS!! I need chick flicks! The doctor should have put this on my list of ‘things i’m not allowed to do right now.’ There’s sooooo much clutter on this damn list that i really don’t think there is ANYTHING, i’m actually allowed to do. NO bending, NO stretching, NO bad food, NO harsh moving, NO bathing, NO sunlight, NO reaching , NO lifting of ANY kind, yet there’s a whole section, on my long crap list stating that i’m totally 100% ALLOWED to take part in SEXUAL INTERCOURSE and EAT things!! What????? A perv who wants to bonk defenseless young girls with new swollen boobies must have written that list. It might as well have said, ‘DO NOTHING, BUT SEX.’ Oh and ‘TAKE PAINKILLERS.’ Men!! I love you…all!! (apart from the homeless ones, you guys smell.)

I’m actually pretty knackered after writing this blog. I can’t wait until i feel ‘fit agai’n. But i am as happy as can be, and doing GREAT!! My boobs look wonderful by the way. Infact DELICIOUS…and definitely worth a bit of back ache!! Life is good!! I feel a little dizzy! Oh and that boy from lithuania, (who so happens to be a wealth of knowledge,) told me that if a MAN resists ‘wanking his chubby’ before he goes out ‘on the pull’ for Mrs. ‘Right for One Night,’ or whatever… his testosterone levels raise soooo high, that he ends up walking into a bar, and EVERY woman WANTS his penis. It’s tried tested and true!! We, (as in the Girlies) can only sexually connect with you (as in the beasts), when YOU, believe it or not, are at your ‘tick tick McBOOM’ stage!! It’s called hormones or something. I still say buy us drinks, make us laugh, flash a bit of cash, and you’ll probably get laid.

I just thought i’d help you all pull a skirt!! Kisses Darlings!!

And she makes it out alive…

So it felt like i was about to be abducted by aliens, with all this hot bright white light, and turquoise busy body like people, ‘busy bodying’ around me. I was laid quietly on the ‘cutting board,’ whilst  being superficially chatted too, disrobed, tapped, clipped, then all of a sudden, a rush of crazy warmth, steamed all the way up my body. It got to my neck, half way through my face…a lady in scrubs counts ‘1, 2…’ my eyes can’t fight the ‘crazy warm’, they peacefully close, for approx one second. I open my eyes, the same lady counts ‘…3,’ i look down, and i have NEW BOOBS!!! Just like that!! It was all over, and i was ready to start recovery!!

The operation was nothing, yet let me tell you, the recovery, is the WORST PAIN I HAVE EVER FELT, in my whole entire glamour puss goddamn LIFE!!! I’m on day five of my recovery, and this is the first day, where in which i can actually function half normally, and it’s 100% all down to rockstar PAINKILLERS. Yay!!! Oh my god, it has been hilarious…fyi/ i’m probably ‘high’ right now…as it’s been horrible!!  I haven’t been able to move my body, for about 3 days. I have cried (it hurt), laughed (it hurt), breathed (it hurt),  moved (it hurt) and been fed through neon straws…it fucking hurt!!! Now and FINALLY on DAY 5, i’m as happy as can be. I’m actually up out of bed, walking around, watching ‘Big Brother’ and able to wipe my own arse!! Hurrah!!  On friday i am free of stitches and dressings, and then i can get on with my life, get out of these polka dot pyjamas and my flipping love my new boobs, who i seem to be having an odd relationship with?? I think recovery days ‘1, 2, and 3’ hurt me sooooooo badly that i’m quite pissed off at my boobies, for causing me so much pain. It’s like one of those dodgey relationships with the dreamiest boy you ever laid eyes on, who you once loved so badly, who broke your heart, yet is strutting back for more….but without the BOOZE!!! lol… So when they decide to stop acheing, and being like proper well behaved boobies. …i intend to start being nice to them!! I know, i know, make love to them Wunna, not War!! (hahaha…dirty bastards!) I do feel a bit hornier now i have them!! Meeeow!!

As of right now i am happy as can be, i have another week of recovery. I currently just feel as though i have 2 rather heavy new born babies, constantly attached to my chest..i’m a little bit hungry, and i definitely want to have a ‘rumpy’ with Dale from ‘Big Brother’…which quite sadly has become my life, since being unable to move. I wonder whether he would bonk a girl in boobie bandages??? hahaha I feel disabled!! It’s NOT HOT!!

Vodka boobs McRock

Wouldn’t it be fun if my boobs we’re filled with vodka!! You could suck on my nip, and get a luke warm shot….and probably for free!! We can only dream. It would be my party trick, and better than the other girl across the bar, who smokes cigarettes out her vagina…as mine is interactive!! Vodka nips, on ME! Dig it? I could do with a vodka anything right now!! lol.. Plus who wants to smoke cigarettes out of their Vagina??? Yeah like no-one, it’s soo anti-social! Plus, i don’t need my Vagina to smell anymore like cigarettes thankyou…hahaha! (Mucky mare time.) I feel so dirty minded right now, and i’m unsure as to why, but it’s fun!! I think i’m a pervvy old man, who scratches his nuts, that’s cleverly disguised as an asian hussy. I’m just a sexual girl. I love feeling sexual, looking sexual, and even typing the word sexual!! Yep, it’s gross, but once again…FUN!! S-E-X-U-A-L!! If you’re not sexy then what are you?? I don’t understand?? You should enjoy being flirty & dirty, especially if you’re a woman and not ‘tut-tut-tut’ at it!! I’m playful, and being the way i am, is all about being naughty, and not the ‘stuck up, did i wear my chastity belt, and cover up my clevage today..oh fuck did the neighbours see..’ kind of girl??

I should have a vodka?

Text messages

I always say you can tell a lot about a person by reading their last few random recieved text messages. I do this blog a lot. Here are some of mine!! Have fun my little puppy dogs:

.’ We off to Party in 2 weeks time then.?’

.’ I just wanna get it in there…’

.’ lol…i should die more often.’

.’Where the fuck are you, you skank?????’

.’You’ve never failed me yet.’

.’Because i miss you.

.’Have you ever loved someone?’

.’I don’t have time for childish speaks.’

.’Where did you put my first born??’

.’I hate you.’

.’I love you, should i bring booze?’

.You just called me Dude, and i think it’s rude.’

Give me that one leg

Just got off the phone with my ‘Latin lover’ who seems to be fixing the pieces of his previously broken life together, quite nicely!! I guess without us even realising, we’ve worked as a team, and bundled our energy into making our individual dreams come true. I’m very happy, and SO proud. (yeah baby)! I don’t know what we did, how we did…but we did…and we did it right. Thank God too, as it was beginning to get a little messy. Sleeping in the trunk of Ford taurus’s that get sold to  he/she prostitutes is never any fun!! We’ve come a very looooooooooooong way!! Dreams come true bitches!! Take one foot forward, and the other one seems to follw. (well obviously not if you’re a one legged man…) Wait, if you’re a ‘one legged’ (wink wink nudge nudge) man, and ya ‘leg’ is in the right place…call me….like NOW!! Oh shit, i literally got so excited, i dribbled on my laptop…soooooooo gross!! hahahahahaha! I am ACE!!!

I’m currently sitting in bed, in just my knickers, as it’s boiling hot, looking down at my boobs, and wondering how Dr.Madhi, is going to squeeze these blobs of silicone into them, without hurting them??? I’m also noticing how tiny my boobs actually are!!! I should name them. I’m not actually nervous anymore. Infact, i’m actually not at all  nervous for the operation part, just more the being put to sleep, and wondering what abusive things are going to spew out of my mouth, before i pass out. I’ve heard people swear, tell their secrets, confess undying love, talk in tongues and basically make a complete toss pot of themselves. I’m very worried!! hahaha! Other than that i’m excited, yet nervous that they won’t be as BIG as i want them. That’s my BIGGEST worry!! I’m gonna be sooo pissed off, if they are not MASSIVE..and i do mean MASSIVE to my standards!! But whatever, one more day of fun to go, before i need to start fretting!! I’m sure you can tell that i’m TOTALLY fretting!! I keep questioning myself, rambling on and talking to my tiny boobs!! Oh lord please!!

So it’s early but i’m going to bed, as i’ve had a weekend of champagne. My life is wonderful, and i can’t believe how lucky i am….(shit it’s hot in here) i guess things really do come true if you want them too.

Pass me my Peach Margarita and Mambo

So i’m back from my long weekend in London, where i watched a lucky bride, walk down a ‘right angled isle…’ (i know bizarre & a bit awkward for everyone really)…hahaha. I managed to whore my inappropriate dress, to great effect…with my ‘pretend’ cousin claiming it screamed out ‘Pass me my peach margarita, and lets go Mambo bitch..! Hahaha!! All i can say about weddings is that it’s only fun when it’s YOUR OWN!!! Otherwise it gets pretty ‘snooze fest.’ Sooo ‘pretend cousin’ and I, got McTrashed on champagne, red wine, sparking water, champagne, and 7 vodka pineapples, followed by 2 vodka bitter lemons, and maybe a couple of let over pints…whilst giving the boys marks out of ten, judging those less fortunate than I and eating poached salmon, in hot pink, and bright green dresses!! I LOVE MY LIFE!!! I had soooooo much fun!!  I also got ‘frantic, but at the complete wrong time’ calls from my agents, telling me i had booked a tv show, yet  obviously i couldn’t answer my bastard phone, due to my other ‘pretend cousin’ deciding to say her vows to a computer technician!! Ugh!! I did try though, which caused a few scowls and complications…lol……yet that’s another story!! Other than that there were booty calls, booze, leicester square, london nights, soho, orphaned children, 4 fancy dress bachelorette parties, a catwalk, a couple of nice pervs, a boy getting mad at me because i keep apparently ‘toying’ with his emotions…(note: that saying is soooooooo 2005,) more booze, more fun, chinese lettuce whacking, belly buttons, dim sum, good shoes, bad shoes, boys, tattoo artists, sunshine, rain, old friends new fun, and CHAMPAGNE bitches!! I can’t really  seem to be able to explain my whole weekend that well, as i am 4% retarded. Yet i CAN say…. ‘OOh Laa, OOH Laaa, Yo Diggy, GREATNESS’ and it was probably better than yours…. hahahaha joking, but honestly it probably was!!!

So it’s about 1AM THIS MORNING, and i’m driving back from the Capital, thinking all the fun drama was over, and that my mind was gonna have to be bored, until wednesday…which is BOOBIE  OP DAY!! hurrah!! THEN, i seemed to get a stream of drunk text messages, from a stream of very drunk friends, ALL needing assistant with their love lives.  As we all know, i’m not exactly the QUEEN of LOVE or the QUEEN of ADVICE, but i’m pretty good at Life, SEX and bossing people around, so i figured, i’d give it a shot!! Plus, it’s easy giving drunk people advice, as they never care to remember what you tell them. They just listen, drink more, and do whatever the fuck they want…hahaha. it’s ACE!! There’s nothing like liquid courage!! (DRINK IT LILLY!!)

Anyway, sorry this blog is shite, as i’m sure you wanted it to be more creative..(blah, blah, blah) but i’m currently out shopping for  my ‘Day of boob job,’ clothes. I need hot clothes, for when i arrive, cute clothes for when i stay the night, and extremely hot clothes, for when i leave & strut out of that joint with massive Bjongas…that’s if i don’t die or something, as obviously that would kind of suck…especially since i’d never get to where my ‘clothes to leave boob job in…,’ right?? What a waste of Dior!!

Angels like harps

Just woke up to harmonicas. The good thing about waking up to harmonicas, is that it means someone quite close to your bedroom location, is having fun times, or is drunkard. Yet the shit thing about waking up to harmonicas, the devils music, is that it’s bloody SHIT!!! I’d rather wake up to monkeys fingering my eyeballs. Whoever invented that particular musical intrumental, needs to get SHOT or discover more tuneful instruments like harps or something??? Angels like harps!

Anyway, i’m feeling good. I’m madly in love with my ‘Lover de Latin.’ He knows exactly what to do, or what to say, or what not to say, to make me smile…He’s an old romantic..even though i do remember threatenning to SMACK him?? (i guess he gets a little too ballsy, when i’m not actually in smacking distant!!) ‘Hero’s in a half shell!!’ I’m bathing, i’m packing, and i’m getting ready to attend weddings. I have a highly inappropriate dress, so i’m extremely excited!! Maybe i can run off with the best man…but probably not, as my guess is that he’s minging. (Eww…laa!) Weddings are great because you can eat and drink as much as your heart desires for completely free, and feriously hit on as many blokes as possible, giving them the old ‘bedroom eyes’, totally leading them all on, and knowing that you will never see, not even one of them again. Yippee!! I love it!! Flirting it gets my juices flowing and i feel like i’m on ‘hot, glamour puss’ alert. Ninja! Ninja!!

Anyhow my darlings, i hope you have a wonderful day, as i must tend to my tresses, and my vodka. I’m wishing i didn’t eat two Big Macs now and i could be a little more tan. I love you, oh and just incase i forgot to thankyou for everything…Thankyou…hahaha, and for everything!! xxx

Lying is always best

Why do you boys always have to fuck up?? I just had a boy, tell me many untruths, and then then go on to tell me, and quite peacock proudly, that he lies to girls in order to bed them!! (yeah, i’m not a complete moron, i know plenty of you..well the ugly ones of you do…all the time.) However, this boy goes out of his way to study girls, kind of like a serial killer would, then after the ‘study session,’ tell them the biggest ‘porky’ in order to dip his McDick!! Firstly boys…it’s not as difficult as you’re making it?? All you have to do is BUY THEM DRINKS!! It’s not rocket-fucking science. Drunk girls put out!! Anyhow, i was thoroughly dissapointed with this boy, so i did the ‘Chrissie Wunna interogation’, where i manage to evilly drag the truth out of victim in question,   as it can’t be as bad as half the things that i’ve done, seen or heard, right?? Okay, so the truth ended up being sooooo completely dodgey, (hahahaha,) and i actually made him feel so miserable about himself…(hahahhaahaha, by accident) that i now totally understand why he does what he does…hahahahaha!! 10 points to me!! He’s a good guy, on a back track. I feel bad for him now!! Oh Lord, i need a stiff one!! I love men, cos you’re all flipping weird, insecure and have these snakes that dangle between your legs quite ungracefully. However, right now i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad that i’m a girl…….well i think i’m a girl?? Moral of the story here….If in doubt, just lie, in most cases it’s just best!

I look like Michael Jackson

So i went to Marks and Spencers today, to find me an ‘oh so glamourous’ nasty ass, sports bra, that i have to adorn after my boob operation. So i’m there buying bras way to big for me, and i bump into an old school mate, i’ll call her, ‘Graves,’ who’s probably the hottest, and thinnest PREGNANT female, i have ever seen in my life…we made out!! (Haha..you wish!) She’s 23 weeks up the duffy and thinner than i am!! She bought maternity clothes, i bought ugly ass bras, we gossiped, and talked about boys who own bars!! Ooh it’s hot today innit?? Whatelse?? Oh yeah, some shirtless child on the street, said i looked like ‘Michael Jackson’, hahahaha. I don’t know whether he means, like the actual ‘Michael jackson,’ or like a dodgey child molester…..and another one said i looked like a ‘chico???’ I found a baby by a dumpster, whilst i was eating my ‘Twister…’ i just left it there. I miss being touched by men. I watched the ‘hairiest man in the world ‘ documentary, and i NEVER want to meet the hairest man in the world EVER!! It makes me want to gip up a little. I’ve bought the wrong sized bra.(fuck it) i feel like i need sex,(NOW) my ‘Latin Lover’ is going to Vegas, (he’ll come back miserable) the Lithuanian boy is still Lithuanian and told me how he lost his virginity (it’s a SHOCKER.) I am completely off work for a couple weeks, yet still LOVE my job….. and i’m leaving for the whole rest of the week to London, to attend other peoples weddings, and stuff… (note: there will be no blogs.) poor you!!