Let me take you back to tomorrow afternoon. I was trapped waiting in a silver mercedes, in the freezing cold, it’s snowing, it’s Yorkshire, i’m in fur and Dior sunglasses and i’m parked up on a double yellow line at a very busy intersection (haha…i was never any good at picking a ‘You can’t see me’ spot,) outside an overly busy Morrisons, whilst i sent my Mother to the ATM to go take on the weather and return with cold hard cash! (Glamour Glamour Puss Pus.) ‘Last Christmas’ was playing on my stereo. I sang along….badly, but under the misconception that i was brilliant. You’ve just go to have a go, right?
I finally decided to do my Xmas shopping…i like to leave things to the last minute. It excites me more. I love pressure. (Purrr….) The more organized something is, the more it bores me. In exams at school, i’d seriously orgasm in the frantic five minutes you had left to finish your essay. (The speed of my hand, writing on the paper would oddly turn me on? Haha..No joke.) Annnnnyway, (lol) we were going into Doncaster (Town Centre) to grab everyone’s gift from
‘ Santa,’ but then i realized i didn’t have appropriate footwear. Therefore in order to do my Christmas shopping, i had to first stop off at department store and a buy boots,that i could maybe shop in. I came out with four pairs of glitter based hoochie heels, prozzie boots, a pair of flats for Mum, and some trainers for my baby brother. Oh and these gloves for 95p. I like fake leather gloves, that i can put diamond rings over. It makes you feel more powerful, when you point and demand. (‘GIVE ME THAT!’)
Get to Doncaster, having a blast. Lots of merriment, and a truck load of ‘ooh laa.’ I kept getting distracted and wanting to buy things for myself, but everytime i had a selfish thought, i gave money to a blind man, who wanted a dog…so i’m good with God innit. A lot of eye candy littered the cobbled streets of Doncaster and well we all know i have a roving eye for the fellas. I’m a right little ‘Casonova‘ me, and let me tell you, it’s quite difficult and extremely selfless of me, to simply pass on by, without a giant flirt and a round of herpes, to buy things for OTHER people. But I did it….just. ( DID YOU HEAR THAT SANTA!!! An extra stocking scoop of diamonds for me please sir.)
I had my gorgeous Mum with me…who i love more than anything i could ever imgaine. And she was all cute and excited about life, as we threw things into our basket at Marks & sparks aggressively…the ‘married to rich men’ housewives are intense in there, i tells ya!! HAHA. There’s nothing like tripping them up. I don’t like being elbowed for the last bit of fat free anything, at the best of times. Let alone, Christmas. I mean elbow me for booze, or boys or a bitch out. Have some goddamn respect. Anyway, we decided we needed Crimbo snacks to watch the NO Xmas telly on the TV, and grabbed posh party food and champers, then watched an adult boy scout (odd) pack up all our goods and then demand that he keep them, whilst we shopped for sexy undies, so we didn’t have to carry them. How good is Marks & sparks for doing that! You don’t even have to carry your own crap around with you…THEY WILL. Hurrah! (Fyi, Adult boy scouts are mildy erotic….i think i possibly could?)
Anyway, that was all done, we’ve bought a few prezzies..done it all outside, as venturing into the actual shopping centre on a Saturday afternoon, two days before Xmas, is insanity for me. Lots of young boys & girls, who watch a bit of telly, or own a ‘Nuts’ mag fill the centre to the brim and well it’s my HOME town and well they CHAMPION he Wunna…ofcourse i adore the this more than life itself, (Pout, wink, ‘IT’ Girl strut) but when i’ve got to attempt to concentrate on buying prezzies..it’s far to easy for me to get lost in my own ego. 🙂 After a ‘Fuck it’ by my Mother….we went in there anyway.
Within the first 10 minutes, i was helping a man, pick out hot underwear from his future wife…which i thought was sexy! I’d love a guy to buy me HOT underwear. It almost makes him seem masterful to me. Like he’s chosen what he wants to see his ‘girl‘ in and she is ordered to WEAR it, for a bit of ‘Who’s ya Daddy.’ It’s a turn on to me. But alas, men are far too terrified to pick out undies for me. *sad face.* Why do i terrify them? Then like predicted the shopping centre following (that i very much adore) began. I adore it because i’ve moved these people in some way…so i have to stop and talk to EVERYONE. I love them. And again…like predicted, the shopping ended.
I found myself in a corner of The Fragrance shop, with a crowd of young girls herded around me, like angels, wearing their knickers on the outside of their tracky bottoms, with guts and fighting for attention. A lady in the store (who was adorable…and apologized to me for ‘having to be touched by Chavs’ lol) gave me a giant block of note paper, and a pen and let me stand in the corner and sign autographs for 20 minutes. Everyone was called ‘Chloe.’ I loved you all. I loved how they each told me proudly about their lives and claimed they were ‘causing trouble’ in my honour. (And they weren’t kidding….they were stealing and everything. Lol)
I then left, after winking and pouting and sending them my love, only to turn the corner, have a young teenage boy (YEAH BABY) ask me whether i was on the ‘Paris show,’ he was all blond and shy. As soon as i confirmed…he told me i was ‘beautiful’ (aww….they’re learning fast…I had to keep reminding myself of his ‘teenagery’) and i went to hug him, and when i did, out of nowhere i heard a ‘ NO FUCKING WAY,’ and a gaggle of boys came a running for hugs or a look at my boobies. (I didn’t know whether i was about to get adored, or mugged? I mean it is Doncaster.) Aaah, it’s a hard life. They were actually lovely. You little ‘wish you were older’ sweethearts you. Boys are all mouthy in groups, but when i get them one on one, they go all ‘I love you’ and shy. Aww…
But yeah…shopping got postponed, due to ‘Ooh laa.’ Don’t worry we finished it off today…after a boozey fucking Xmas Eve Wunna Family Lunch. And what more can i say but, i’m definitely on Santas naughty list…it seems you get more presents that way. *shows you her stocking’ed leg….then seductively struts off.*
Thankyou for a bit of useless banter…I really do adore you. Now go get crunk and have a jolly Crimbo. x