Last night i was reconsidering my ‘vegetarianism’, as i seem to be getting fatter without my meat intake. My body is ‘evil’ laughing and deciding to fuck with me for kicks. Hurrah! So i turn on the TV, it switched on to a random yet popular network, like Channel 4, and within 1.2 seconds i see a massive brown horse, laid on it’s side, with a sloppy penis the SIZE of a…(God i can’t even think.)..lets just say, i like a sturdy 8, but this young champion had a whole black 18 inches for dinner. SHOCKING!!! Neck that pony!! Anyway, two lovely native american looking men, half Redneck, half ‘Dances with wolves,’ were kneeling by the horse, and with some rusty pocket knife (delicious) decided to hand cut the horses BALLS off, whilst it was still alive. OH MY GOD!!!!! Hmm…! I took that as a sign, no meat for Me today sir. I’ve rather take 72 lashings. What was that program??? The two men claimed they we’re in the ‘jungle’ and therefore that’s what they do. I can think of 103 better things to do in the jungle. Infact it wasn’t even the bloody jungle…it looked more like the North Yorkshire dales for crying out loud!! Wonder what they did with the horsey nutsack?? Mucky beggars! I’m gonna try that on ‘Latin lover,’ if i could get near enough to them, as they often smell like chilli tacos, and grandmothers. He still force feeds me them. After a while, it could pass as chicken, so it’s not that bad. Or maybe i’m not a fussy eater? Asians’ll put anything in their mouths twice!! (Sluts)
Anyway, i’m off to get ready for my fabulous glamour puss day and my LA bitches keep telling me to refrain from telling people to ‘ come to Hollywood as i apparently forgot to mention that after a week you’ll probably end up in Rehab.’ I say, Isn’t rehab the new black?? Booyah!! Drink it Sally! Oh and for those of you who seem to be surprised that i can actually read and write…which confuses me more, than reading and writing…, i DID actually go to school, and learn my ABC’s. I know it seems quite unbelievable, yet stranger things have happened my children!! I can even write read the road signs when driving wasted, let alone write my number down 45 times on napkins, receipts to give to random penis’s. Next i’ll actually beable to read what i write on here!!
I love you!! Don’t forget my ‘Ooh Aah’ Daily Star thing!