Nuns, Juice and Pregnancies

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I feel all dizzy and sick and believe it’s because God has chosen ME to be the next lucky being to experience the ‘immaculate conception,’ with my virginal status an all that. I’m not gonna be calling it ‘Jesus’ though. I’m going for something far more ‘delicious’ like ‘Hunter’ or ‘Tequila.’ (‘Hey my mums so cool…she wanted to name me after a barbaric male or booze.’) I’m not pregnant before you all start getting a little too eager with that rumour. No-one wants to give me a cuddle, let alone a jolly old feel up. (Well apart from the fat pervert that followed me all day yesterday and tried to break into my appartment. I had to little ‘fur boot’ kick a door into his face with 2 cups of tea in my hand and a pepperoni pizza. What a cunt. Don’t try and follow me unless you are HOT! It’s the rules. There’s leagues. Don’t get it twisted!! I mean i’m desperate but that belly on my sheets, is a sin. The odd thing about it was that his face looked like an actual bum??? He was a black version of ‘Fat bastard.’)

Anyway, my friend let a boy ‘squirt’ into her last night and therefore we had to go trolley off to go get the famous, ‘Morning after pill.‘ It’s quite an embarassing thing to go and ask for out loud in a busy pharmarcy. I looked at hair dye and pretended i was not a part of the jiggery pokery. Then got bored with her nervous ‘faffing’ and very loudly to make the other rude beings feel uncomfortable asked for it without shame. I’ve watched her puke all day, due to the taking of it, therefore i have OFFICIALLY BANNED any MAN JUICE from my vagina. The boy in question sent her a text reading ‘I would’ve come, since it’s my fault. But i’ve got pick my nephew up from school. I’ll call you.’

Technically him ‘coming‘ in the first place is what caused this bit of her vomit all over my bathroom. I’m taking a vow of celebacy. Don’t think i’m not. I’m going to save myself for Mr.Right. (For a whole ten minutes.) Boys please do try and put condoms on. They’re fun…like willy party hats. It saves us raping you of all your money for child support. It’s awful. That pill has made her properly sick and that’s hardly very becoming. If she swears at Me one more time, i’m punching her.

Just got my nails done. In blood red too. I can rock a blood red with a viscious ‘Va Voom,’ therefore why not? I love nail extentions. They look good being  stroked down a mans body and fools them into believing your sexy. (Remeber they are visual creatures.) I feel all womanly again. There’s nothing like a primp and pamper to make you feel all ‘oooh.’ The girl was quite chatty too. Had no idea what she was saying coz she was barking on at me in Korean. But there was one point where i looked at her massaging my hands and thought she was beautiful. Y’know one of those girls that don’t realize how pretty they are, therefore don’t care for themselves too much. Mid file down, i saw her glance out the window at a ‘hot to trot’ oriental chick, who was blatently all ‘wa wa woo-wee.’ It was sad because she sort of glanced at her, then looked at herself all insecure and like she was nothing. I hate that! NO-ONE is BETTER than you. (Apart from Me ofcourse.) I didn’t know what to do, so I made them turn the radio up and we danced to The Pussycat Dolls like whores. I hope it gave her confidence. But i think it only gave her herpes.

Other than that, my life is delicious. I saw a glamourous 58 yr old in a beige fur, all magical and ‘ooh laa,’ walking around Camden with a handsome on her arm. I saw a teenager who needed a wash, with ‘No-one knows i’m a lesbian’ printed on her front. I was winked at by darlings. Cuddled by a druggie. Wanted to lick a mans bald patch, because it looked so smooth and was told a joke about nuns who stuck ‘spunked on’ candlesticks up their ‘hoo-haa’ to get pregnant. That’s one way to ‘give’ yourself to God.

A boy i know asked me whether i would have a threesome with him on Halloween. Don’t be so ridiculous! Halloweens scary enough without having to deal with boobies, willies and piglets flying around the joint to dirty mood music. I’m 28 years old!! That shit would put my back out!!! Yes… in my colourful past, i’ve experienced many a threesome…of all kinds. But believe me, it’s never as exotic or erotic as you want it to be. It’s awkard and pointless. I get bored and start eating biscuits mid-jiggy. I made someone cry at my last one. Lol. (Years and years ago. Notice how i got that in!) I’d rather just let you all get on with it and i’ll go make everyone a cuppa tea and find the man of my dreams. I’m all on ‘one woman man’ mode. I’m ready to settle down. There’s no ‘floozey’ left in me. I guess some people lose their virginity. I’ve lost my ‘slag.’

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