Woke up this morning to the smell of curried garlic, which isn’t really my most favourite smell before 9am. Sick! Then i realized i couldn’t swallow (wink wink), and the inside of my throat was all sand-papery. Delicious! I’m currently writing this, in my pyjamas, with three kittens climbing all over my laptop keys. It’s tedious. And for some reason the blistering sunlight is pouring through my bay window, in the middle of December and all i can think of is why MEN name their willies??
Really!! It’s barely 10am, and I’ve already been ridiculed for not naming my ‘private part.’ (Dirty Berty!) Firstly, i’m The Queen of all things GREAT…you can’t ridicule ME, before noon!! Plus, I think it’s just something that guys do, right?? Apparently every man has a name for his penis. And i don’t mean jokey ‘stage name’ like, ‘oh i call mine Seargant Major,’ i mean a secret little name, they have for it…that no-one knows, but them. (They talk to it, in the shower.) I mean, I’ve referred to mine, as my ‘Mary Poppins’, or my ‘love dome.’ Yet, i don’t have an actual name, like ‘Betty-Sue’ for it…and to be honest, i think it’s about time i did. I mean i can’t be The Queen of Greatness, without a GREATLY named Vagina. Even my Mother agrees!
Y’know, it says a lot about a person who takes the time to name their ‘Private part.’ (lol…) It means they care about the gift that God gave them. Shows nurture! Shows love! (ha-ha) Therefore i need to get on it, before someone names it for Me. (as that happens to often for my liking.) Guys tend to do it a lot more than girlies because they have a whole entire squidgey, ropey ‘being’ attached to their muff, that they can pull and squeeze, make hard or soft…Infact, it deserves a name!! (Ha-ha!) We girls don’t (Thank God, cos if i did i’d be a total Man-whore…but when i fake masterbate for others, i do always wank my fake penis…which is odd, as i’m a girl. Therapy please…) Anyway, where was i?? Yeah, well we girls don’t, as all we have is this quietly breathing meaty heart, that makes us powerful and beable to pick and choose when we want it to be moled.
But f*** that i’m naming mine! Latin Lover named his ‘Goblin,’ (‘cos it has one eye, has a mind of it’s own and gobbles things up!) Seriously, you could put a pizza infront of it, it would down it in one, AND swig ya beer! I’ve heard the ‘showbiz’ names (not real secret pet names) of so many Willies, that i’ve decided to call my little lovely…’Hilary.’ Just incase you’re like… ‘What as in.. Duff?’ No!! As in ‘Clinton,’ you Twats!!!’ Well, that’s it’s ‘stage name,’ because really if we’re being honest, i should just name mine ‘USED.’