Morning kittens! Jeeze, I had such a busy yesterday. I’ve been worked off my feet and to top it all off, my phone, my life line, my ‘go to’ gal of comfort broke down on me and insisted on telling me that it was 21:03 at 5pm, Sept 2013..followed by crashing, followed by not letting me actually SEE the text messages that I was typing. Fun! Lol. So, yes i did that stressy phone moment, that we all go through. Yet luckily, I managed to pack up my troubles in my new couture bag and smile, smile…smile. Day job is going great. I’m proud of myself. I’m a money making machine. Eyelash line is coming to you THIS SUMMER. You are going to LOVE IT. I now wear my OWN lashes and it feels great. I’m going to sell the first batch as Limited Eds…and then as they go to retail, they’ll be for everyone to enjoy as a whole. The plan looks amazing…so hopefully all will develop accordingly. The good thing is that the day job is keeping me mentally balance and positive. It pushes me to do well and keeps me solider strong. I’m apparently going to have a ‘heavy’ month, which is always annoying, as my 2014 has been heavy enough. Why do I have to carry 2014? It’s not fair I tells you, especially with rubbish working arms. Most people get to just strut through it. I will shortly..however, right now…HEAVY is what I have to go through and when I say ‘heavy’ know that it’s always over a boy.
On the Keiran front, because you all always want to know about it and well now he’s not allowed to ban me from writing about him now, know that I actually reached out to him to ‘make it work’ because the future psychology of my children decided to terrify me. My son, now with his 6 teeth and ability to ‘maybe’ stand is already cautious around men because he’s not used to being around such creatures. #oddbuttrue Ruby has abandonment issues. She’s actually just got better because i’ve spent more and more one on one time with her, that she trusts me. If she loves you and you walk out the door to go to work, she thinks you’re never going to come back. Lol. It’s that crazy. Upsets me really, even if i’m giggling. It also upsets me that Baby 2 may grow up with security issues and may even resent Daddy, because no matter what you tell them, children always seem to blame themselves and take it out on themselves. I’ve done mucho life research on this.
My little boy is a beamer, a smiler, a happy baby. I always swore that I would do anything I could to make sure that he woke up with that smile on his face every day of his life. Nothing is worse to a good parent, then thinking that there could be a possibility that your bambino could change and that he could grow up broken. Normal parent behaviour. We worry. Yet to think that one of us could be the cause of him waking up glum for the first time, when we’re the folk that are meant to be glueing life together for him is devastating. I spend all my time with the children when i’m not working, so i see their emotional development more than he does. If he spent an entire week with them 24/7 he would see it too. He would understand. He’d get it. I think he gets it anyway. But in a mist of negative anger and party recovery…he tries not to.
Away from the babies and on the love front, Keiran goes through phases of reaching out to me, then backing away..which is normal boy behaviour. He’ll go from loving me to wanting nothing to do with me…only via words. We do it to each other. He prevents himself from loving me, yet can’t be away from me. He finds himself on the other end of my phone almost every day and on my door step when he’s home and I find myself going through phases of the same. It’s normal really. I’m quite knowy when it comes to relationship drama. I can be hard work, but i’m not stubborn when it comes to doing the right thing for my bambinos and my own heart.
We’ve been raised really differently and we are both products of our childhood, meaning i fight for stability and togetherness for the children, because i’ve never ever had to live or gorw up in a broken family. It’s weird to me and makes no sense. I can’t get my head around it because if my Father or Mother ever left me…i think even at 33, i’d be devastated. Keiran’s not at all evil, he’s actually quite soft, so he kinda does…the only thing he knows how to do, because now that I look back… he’s actually never experienced the same sort of family childhood. Not his fault. We turn into our parents. We all do. But there’s a cycle that he needs to maybe stop.
The first time he actually experienced a whole, loving family life, was when he created his own. Then he ran from it because it scared him. What he doesn’t understand is that no matter how hard he tries and because i’ve been him…he won’t be able to run from it or find anything that replaces it. But yes, i’ve been open hearted due to this new understanding malarky and because as long as I always tried to make amends, then i not only have peace in my heart, but I ALWAYS fought for the happiness of both babies.
So yeah..right now we’re average, but i’m happy that I tried again…positively. He just needs to learn the hard way that the grass is never greener. Easy lesson. One we always mess up continuously, when we’re down. Like I keep saying…i’ve been him. When you throw a ball positively and it bounces in the other person’s court…then it’s up to them what they do with it….you can then merrily gallop on with life as they tinker with the bouncer. I don’t hate him, like you all might think. I love him and mainly because he loves me. (Currently looking at Rubes. She is beautiful. 🙂 ) I will tell you one thing that does annoy me about Keiran and that’s the fact that he never sees the good in me and always focuses on the bad, the past and himself. That’s negative. Really negative. A bad habit. Right now, I always focus on what i remember to be great about him and I disregard the bad points and there’s been a lot. But I’ve forgiven him for them and forgotten them, because life isn’t about pin pointing pain. Lol. Y’know, he’s different to Michael, my first hubby in that way, as even to this day Mike only ever sees the good in me. He lays his focus on that and does it warmly…that’s why he’s a success because he sees the world from kind eyes…happy eyes. Now I think about it, even Pete always sees the good in me. There’s not one part of him that dislikes me and he has every reason to despise me. I hurt him. I feel awful for doing so. But when I ask him why he doesn’t hate me, all he’s says is that it’s because he was raised well.
Enough of that now my dolls! So there you go! An update. Lucky you.
NOW QUIT WITH THESE NAKED SELFIE NOMINATIONS!! Haha.
Everyone (3 people 🙂 ) keeps nominating me to bare face it online. All my Brit friends are all for it. All my LA friends have no clue what it is and can’t think of a worse procedure to raise funds. I’m far too insecure to do such a thing! I am! I’m terrified. I mean, can’t I just donate money to Cancer Research?I mean, can’t I just donate £100, and YOU LOT do a whole merry bunch of naked selfies, on me. My bare face won’t heal the wounded, it’ll kill’em off. The dosh will. But yes, i’ll do one anyway…but only because it makes me look bad if i don’t. 🙂
I’m on a day off today and have a whole rest of the week of work until Sunday. Making money instead of wasting it. Really happy. Yes, I know that the above love life stuff, makes me look wet. But do know that I am happy and because my life is weirdly great. I’m a lucky girl. My love life doesn’t even feel that troublesome, but when you type it out, it just sounds it. I mean, if there was actually a time for him to adore me, it would be now, as everything has just fallen into place…to the point where it’s sad to be leaving him behind, as we as a family step up to the next couple rungs on the Success ladder. On the whole, I could delete all the above and just put ‘we’re okay.’ Yet, it’s healthy to speak openly about your feelings as you muddle through them, that way you don’t end up a mess. Anyone who tells you different is just scared of people knowing them personally. It’s an insecurity. When you write your life out, you stay clear headed and can actually edit your life, after reading it in black and white. Sort of makes it easier. But yes, know that I don’t feel bad about my love life, I actually feel the opposite..confident, happy and loved. Will i stop ‘trying’ to make it work one day? Yes!. When I know the story is fully over.
So i’ll leave you boys with this…