My Bitchy Disobedient…Vagina.


There is nothing worse than having a disobedient vagina, during snowy, Yorkshire times. I mean, i have a hard enough time anyway in the snow, as the orange of my tan drips off me with every little dip in it. I walked to the local corner shop for milk the another night in it…and my eyelashes had caught a bundle of it within themselves, like they were cradling igloos. I love the snow…however not as much as Keiran, who not only managed to get frost bite on the end of his ‘i’ll think i’ll go on a jog without pants on’ willy. (‘Chrissie feel it. It’s got frostbite!!’/ ‘Aah just put it on the radiator Keiran or just let me touch it.’) Infact, he loved the snow so greatly, that he made me film him it in…(which i loved. I adore watching him feel alive…makes me happy. Even though he looked like a pervy Blue Peter presenter. ‘Why are you putting snowballs, over your actual balls baby?’) He even attempted to build a snowman out of frustration. (Both Baby Ruby and Keiran adore attention. When i give one a bit of ‘look at me’ the other impresses me with tricks and loving eyes.) I saw the snowman this morning, after the nursery run. I’m looking at it now…he only got as far as a clump. It kinda looks unloved or disabled? But anyway…right now it’s all about my bitchy diosbedient vagina.

Okay, i’ve been shopping, loving my gorgeous hubby, being an ever glitzy ‘mama,’ i’ve been enjoying the simple basic pleasures of life, topped of working hard on my book and hoping to win a final victory…and then my vagina decides to grab the limelight and bleed its way, quite frantically, into a bit of ‘look at me Wunna land.’ #annoyed.  I mean, it didn’t even want a wine or anything. It just out of nowhere, popped along and decided to *bleed* everywhere ferociously and for no known reason. (FYI. I am aware that i am a girl and i do know that we have periods. This isn’t one. It’s far more impolite and a lot less snazzy. I’m actually painfully bleeding out of my Margaret to the point where i have to awkwardly go see a Doctor at 3pm today in Pontefract to make it stop.) You can’t be a glammy glamour puss, with a the crotch from fricking hell. I’ve been really poorly over the lats couple days and been told to take iron pills to help me get back to ‘good.’ I’m not quite sure how ironing helps anything? I’m bleeding for crying out loud. Not trying to make a boy believe i’m domesticated. 🙂 The snow isn’t helping. I can’t refrain from being clumsy at the best of times. Now, i have an angry crotch, an icy surface and a disabled snowman to try and dodge…in fur wedged boots and diamantes for ffs!

I’ve had a text from @Wazza, who wants me to celebrate his birthday. I text from Gay Adam who wants to be married or rich? He can have one of my marriages, the lottery thing…he’ll have to wait for. (I can’t wait to get married this year. Keiran and I have really truely ‘forever’ bonded. But you know this, i go on about it all the time. I love him. I still haven’t told you about his gift that he gave me…I will though in the next blog. I have a busy day. We laid in bed the other night and he asked me what i thought ‘fate’ meant, whether i ‘lie’ and whether i loved him. Then he asked me why i ignore my friends? I aptly replied to all of the above, then tucked in my boobs with a giggle and a wink. I’ve gotten into telling him that i’m a ‘human being and not a cookie’ in a baby voice. I don’t know why we talk to each other like that..but we do. It’s LOVE. I marry him this year!)

Anyway, i’ve been really poorly, but trying to pretend that i’m not. I’ve apparently had a little and very early miscarriage, yet i don’t like to think about it so instead i’m having a green tea, because it’s Zen and hoping all is okay. Today’ s going to be a bit awkward having to get my bitchy vagina out for the ‘seen it all before’ doctor. It’s only nice when you have one that smells like roses..not a naughty bleeding one that has an attitude problem. No doubt she’ll whip it into shape. My mums is actually a doctor of the same sort, i mean some of you may have had my mother peek in your privates and work her magic. Apparently, i’ll just get given pills..which seems to be the answer to everything, plus rest in England, water in Hollywood and a cuppa tea in Yorkshire. Just because everyone’s told me to rest, i’ve been extremely busy all day. I’ve worked on my book like no other, emailing an important man, with an important plan. I’ve worked and key tapped all morning long. Non-stop. It’ astually made me feel great. Now i’m pissed off because i’m gonna miss ‘Real Houeswives’ due to me having to be laid on a bed, getting my groin tended to. UGH! Annoying.

Last night my family and i chilled. We watched Pan’s Labyrinth on the sofa and rocked baby Ruby to sleep in due time. Love, fairies, asian babies and poorly vaginas occured during the final hours of yesterday. I kinda feel bad for Keiran in a way because i haven’t been able to be all lovey dovey due to my groin being a bitch. He’s excited about his catwalk shows this week…and so am i. I can’t wait to watch him walk.

I’ve got a lot more work to do and not enough time. I’m all go-go today…so i really must dash. I’ll tell you all about my ‘get better vagina’ experience later. The weird thing about miscarrying is that it makes you want another baby more than ever….. Bizarre how that happens really. But true.

Looking forward to the book…

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