Woke up this morning in a cheap glitter green plastic hat, a moustache that had been drawn on me in blue face paint, a baby pink t-shirt that had the words ‘Love Stinks’ scrawled across it, a cocktail umbrella wedged into the top of my ear and a playing card taped to my forehead which had the crispy clean image of a scary masked he/she, fisting an open vagina, that had a black mans penis dangling above it, with some mystery gunge dripping out of it’s end, by the aid of a black glove. I surprisingly felt amazingly fabulous. Not even the slightest bit hungover? I simply cleaned up and glided straight into Mothers day (after a whole lot of cars breaking down,) with a smile of my face, and joy in my heart! Lol. I’ve felt on top of the World Today.
Yeah so last night, it was Dale’s Mexican Birthday party at Abi’s house. We’ve all known each other since we were kids, so i’m fond of these house parties. Unfortunately, there was a distinct lack of Mexicans at Abi’s Mexican birthday party for Dale. However, there was a ginormous pot of chilli, Speedy Gonzales (the cartoon) on a repeat and ‘Spanish Flea’ (mixed with Cyprus Hill) in the background. ..for the majority of the night. Therefore i feel we made up for the lack of Mexicans and donkeys. We all enjoyed the ‘magic’ of tequila, adorned stick on/draw on moustaches, smoked extra large pretend cigars and well at one point i had 3 sombreros on, silver christmas tinsel wrapped around my neck, whilst doing glamour poses of the greatest sluts alive with Abi, who left Wazza and I in her cellar.
A cellar is an odd place to be, when a party’s going on upstairs. A few inappropriate ‘Fritzel’ jokes were made. I was forced to do a lie detector test and at the same time was being called a ‘fucking idiot’ by Wazza, (My best friend) who proceeded to call me a ‘ching chong.’ (Lol.) Great night! Lots of madness, lots of people literally falling over drunk, a rainbow coloured donkey made out of straw, dangling from a washing line, that shat out Drumstick lollies, when twatted very hard with a metal sweeping brush by the birthday boy, which flew through the air and hit the host in the face. I also, remember being squashed on a sofa with a bunch of drunky fart machines, who kept telling me stories of their sexual conquests. One boy (I’ll call him ‘Birch’) had sex with a really fat bird, whilst fitting her kitchen. He boasted at how he had to carefully lift her belly up, in order to find her Vagina. He then proceeded to eat her out. I don’t regard this as material to really be boasting about. (Hahah!) But then again, it’s still hilarious and i’m not even sauced up on tequila now. ‘Birch’ also told me of a time, he once ‘shot one out’ into some poor young ladies mouth down a cobbled stone alley way in Pontefract. Then before she even opened her eyes, he zipped up and legged it as fast as he could down the street!! ( Hahaha! I shouldn’t find this funny. But shamefully….i kinda do.) I think the terms used were ‘If ur too fussy. You don’t get the pussy,’ and ‘..i had a helmet of flesh on me head.’ Lovely!! Boys will always be boys! I encourage this behaviour…but only when it’s not about ME! Lol
Anyhow, I met some new faces..one of my favourite things to do. I’m well aware that i probably didn’t make the GREATEST of first impressions, due to my 3 mexican hats, drawn on moustache, boob job, and porn taped onto my head. (A Double anal intrusion!) But really…i was a hit. I’m ‘Chrissie off telly’ and it seems i can do whatever i want now and get away with it. I spent the morning bopping around to reggae music in Abi’s kitchen, whilst the people around me made eggs. Life is dandy. I feel lucky!
I’m getting a great deal of love, attention and work right now, and it feels wonderful. I feel whole, and like i have all my pieces together. I just wanted to let you know how much i appreciate all ya cheerleading. It does actually mean a great deal to me and i read ALL of my messages and get back to each and everyone of you….at some point! (Lol. I am a bit lazy!) For those of you who are being EVIL BASTARDS…(And i do get a the odd bit of hate mail now and again, due to me being all ‘controversial’ and everything?) All i’m gonna say is, be able to take what you decide to dish out! And it’s hilarious to me how ‘speaking ones mind’ is seen as so controversial nowadays! It’s ridiculous! I mean how dare i say what I actually think!! Shock! Horror! Naughty step for Me! (I feel a middle finger coming on.)
Today i got a message from a Burmese twat called ‘Thu Thu’- who claims i’m an embarassment (i’ll give ya that,) to Burmese people and all that jazz (Even though the country has just hailed me as their BIGGEST STAR EVER. Anyway he says: ‘Fucker! Stop saying your Burmese. Burmese people are shy, ok!!! (Erm…i’m confused?? You can’t yell at me for being rudely ballsy, then start your comment with the word ‘Fucker.’) I’m here to open peoples eyes, minds, hearts and tell the story of MY life. I’m not trying to make people BE ME! I’m trying to assure people that it’s okay for them to BE THEMSELVES! If you hate Me… then stop reading my blog. Hahahahahaha! You’re a sucker for punishment. Back away from the blog Thu-Thu. Lol.
Anyway, laughing at Thu-Thu is not the way to go…this twat of a whore goes on to go say how hideously ugly i am. How shit my body is. (People always try to attack my look, as they foolishy believe it’s all i’m concerned about. When really it’s kind of all THEY’RE concerned about. My look makes people rather angry…which i’m classing as an achievement.) He goes on to say how much of a terrible being I am and all this other lovely stuff… nicely sprinkled over with a jolly bit of racism, y’know…for the BIG Finale. (This person is Burmese too, just so you know. Haha! ) Honey you just need a hug, or the biggest nose bleed known to mankind! LOL. I’m still trying to decide which one?
Bunches and bunches of young girls swarmed around me today to tell me how much i’ve inspired them. That’s all that matters to me. Unfortunately Thu-Thu…..YOU DON’T!! (Ah-dee-dums.) She tosses her hair, flings her Chanel and strutts off into the hills baby!! (I’m sorry that this is written quite badly, but i’m simply too knackered to it to be doing anything too brilliantly right now.)