Martha & Vincent & a bit of inappropriate nudity.

I’m about to atke you back to saturday, but first i do want to say, that this Kitty cat of bimbo lushness, has just managed to make a cuppa tea topless to the soothing sounds of the House Bunny soundtrack. I usually do this, when the gardeners around, and out of the window alla  peeky. You know this. I’ve told you. However, today i just thought i’d dabble with the topless tea making for fun. Y’know, in order to find my ‘ooh laa’ again. Being preggo can make you feel all frumpy. You kinda need to have a bit of sexy fun and feel *wiggle-worthy* again. (Note: My nudity is ALWAYS for the purpose of fun and comedy. U are very mistaken if you believe it’s because i want to be ‘sexual.’)

So yes, unfortunately my dreamy gardener..’Robin’ was not here today, a mowing. YET and much to may dismay…my FATHER WAS! I’m chilling making cups of Tetley topless, whilst cheekily dancing to ‘happy bimbo tunes’ and who’s infront of me frowning by the kitchen window…MY DADDY!

All kinds of disappointment rode it’s way across his face, but then he smiled (i mean, at the end of the day, he’s a man…:) ) and as he walked away to perch on garden furniture until the insanity had bra’d up…i laughed, added two sugars and re-shirted.

Back to Saturday! Okay my Saturday day was spent shopping with my Family in Doncaster. Seven glorious hours of it. I bought as much as i could, and simply because it was sunny. Sooo sunny infact. The heat gets me going.

Very popular that day. Lots of love. Lots of pictures. Lots of chat about me life and Paris. All that was decorated with merry congratulations of joy for the baby. ( This is why i love my blog. People know things about me without me having to explain it all, therefore we can get straight to the importance stuff..which is the camera posing.) I loved every moment of my 7hour shopping spree in the sun. We bought diamonds, and heels, 20 dresses and girly delights. I wallowed in fabric, and waved and enjoyed a fruity, virgin, smoothie galore. It was literally the best time ever. I needed a break and a great deal more makeup. I am aroused by the department store makeup counters. All that shimmer and glamour. Gimme! Gimme!

Then we had to leave, because it got a little to rowdy and a little too much. The points and ‘Omg’s that’s BBF Chrissie’ got too much for my Mother. I noticed how when we were buying diamonds in jewellers she was happy. When we in Primark buying me knickers… (I’m going through  this new pahse where i’m just buying those jumbo packs of panites for £2.5o. Why? I hear you cry? Because instead of washing them after i’ve used them. My new concept is THROWING them away per use… 🙂 ) she was miserable. But only because this lovely girl at the counter, who adored me, forgot to give my mum her change, due to her excitement about Miss. Hilton. I loved that girl.

Anyway got, got home called my darling Loverboy. Dolled up, found a dress that was appropriate for dinner and then tottered into Pete’s car as we drove off to Bradford to meet his friend Loretto and his girlfriend Lucy. Great couple. There’s lots of fun.

Okay..so Loretto and Lucy did not know that iw as pregnant and pete was too scared to tell them for some reason. Well the reason is because he didn’t want to get ridiculed. Therefore when we arrived in at Loretto’s home and i  sat on his tuffet. I love tuffets’ they make me laugh when i sit on them. Pet and I looked like the most boring couple alive because we asked fro fucking lemonades. LEMONADES!!! They obviously were expecting boozed up sinning…which is what i do best.yet because Pete daren’t tell them the preggo news…lol…we looked like a couple of party poopers! UGH! The worst feeling ever! Loretto had a beautifully decroated lounge. All wall, and candlelit, with Stephern Mulhern (who i once sat and had a cuppa tea with, by usan Boyle) on his telly. I also loved the fact that he jepordised the use of his front door so he could fit his big telly into the corner. Hah! We bantered. We loved them. Lucy was gorgeous. Wee’s were taken, ‘off the telly’ banter was had. Then off to Illkley for dinnner, we went and that was after discussions on Penis skins being pulled back for transexuals, vaginal flaps, rubber balls and multi-cloured genital skin was had. When im saying, ‘Wait? Why would they just give her balls and not an actual penis? You know a good  (but tragically sober) night is in store.

I had secretly made Pete not drink.. as a test. He’s always going on about how he feels just like me, during my pregnancy. WHATEVER!! Therefore to make him truely feel what it’s actually like, to go with with friends, to a top restuarant and cockatil bar, but without being able to fully indugle in all the evening goodies. I forced him to not drink, during a fun boozey dinner..so he could realized what i had to go through on a daily. I have 6 months of left of no drinking. He nearly broke down after one night. When i say forced. I will say that it actually WASN’T under force. He mid- ‘oh i’ll show her‘ shouted at ‘WELL, THEN I’LL NOT DRINK. JUST TO PROVE HOW EASY IT IS!!’ He expected me to reply with an ‘oh no no honey bee.’

Luckily i’m a bitch…:) So immediately before he had chance to change his mind, i SEALED him into that deal,w ith a ‘GOOD! TONIGHT YOU’RE NOT DRINKING. THAT’S SO SWEET OF YOU BABE!’ You could see his face drop with fear! But hats off to him. He did it. Stubborness is the way forward!

Loretto drove us to Illkley, which was ages away. Lucy sat in the front. Pete and i were in the back being escorted through dark hilly back roads. We eventually got there, late, due to sat nav’s and hilarity. Loretto likes voices. He does them. All kinds of them. But they were funny. Then he explained to me how Keighley was full of homeless people who didn’t brush their teeth. Because of this fact, he refers to the town as ‘Curly teethly,’ and declares that with the price of oral hygiene tools being less than 50p in pound shops, there is no excuse for such Tom Foolery.

We got the restaurant at around 9.30pm. A white ferrari was parked outside and it was filled to the brim with posh people or people wanting to be posh, who champagned under the night itme stars and hair tossed under the mood lighting.

Our restaurant of choice was ‘Martha & Vincent.’ If you haven’t been there. You should. If you do not know it. You should. It’s basically an award winning restuarant, with the trophies and stars to prove it. Elegant, sophistaed, casual and fun. We ordered our drinks and then got sat at a table rigth at the back, by the bogs. LOL.

The food there is delcious. We dined on top quailty yum yums. (Even though we thought the salted bread plates were coasters and started eating bread on napkins.) Lamb, veggie delights, beef and ginormous comedy steaks were had. Lucy and i sat on one side, probably looking divine and the boy sat opposite us, and argued over who had the biggest piece of beef. Loretto was delighted with the fact tha not only did he had the most wonderful steak, but whilst eating it it attacked Pete..which made it all the better.

We then talked about lvoe, life, how Lucy believes he looks like a Toddler when he has no undies on, and just a t-shirt. We discussed lucy’s life, Pete penis and how he always goes pn about how small it is. I don’t know why he does that? But he does. ALL the time! I’ve seen his penis loads and it’s quite adequate. yYet he can’t help, but tell everyone not to expect too much of a treat! lol. WHY? We pretty much all ridiclued him all the way through dinner.

Lucy was lovely, gorgeous and only 21. Loretto was funny, charming and talkative. We all got knackered and made our long drive home. I enjoy how Peter could not seem to work out which toilet was female and which one was male. I’ll piss in behind any door that will let me.. No-one’s gonna stop me. I’ll just smile, wave and saunter.

But please do tell me, how a human being cannot differentiate between a door with a picture of a GIRL, that reads ‘MARTHA’ and a door armed with a picture of a BOY reading ‘VINCENT’ [Do spacca face here.] It literally took him about 12 minutes to figure it out. Any excuse to see girlies squatting over used bowls. I mean i thought htere was no toilet roll, so almost *waddle- squatted* to the next cubicle with my pants around my ankles, in my pretty little party dress.

Lovely night had. Hope we see them again soon. I really wish i was more fun. But Pete STILL didn’t tell them i was pregnant. They will now think i’m a boring lemonade drinking…excuse of a tart. In the words of @Eddclay. Right now i can only to ‘Mocktails.’

I have to go to London tomorrow for an hour, to film more Channel 5 ‘Sex Lessons.’ I also still haven’t done my interview questions yet! Shit and I have to approve some pictures and sort out a cover shoot. Lots, lots, lots to organize. Life is on the up.

Oh and for those of you complaining that you want NEW pictures of me. Don’t you fret, they are on there way. I’m just keeping them behind closed doors, so that the first time you see them is in my book.  There will be more and dollies they are hot.

Now for ‘House bunny.‘ It gets me through my days!

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