WELL! I’m home, i’m hurting, i’m grateful, i’m recovering, I have officially had my ‘danger lump’ cut out of my thyroid…and let me tell you, surgery (when it comes to something so important…away from anything cosmetic) is SO emotional.) You think about things A LOT and it really puts life back into perspective.
So, there I was at 7am, sitting at Gate 40 of Pinderfields hospital with no face on, an overnight bag, a bundle of pensioners and by myself. Keiran had stayed over the evening before to help with the children and I appreciated it a lot simply because firstly i was terrified of what I was about to go through and well…I needed help. I’m never one to ask for help because my pride gets the better of me. I prefer to help, than ask for help. I don’t know why, but it sometimes makes me feel weak, to be looked after. It shouldn’t do, as all girls, women, ladies, should be looked after with great care. Yet, it meant a lot to me to have him around helping without my request, because no matter what a being says, it’s their actions that speak volumes during times that matter. He’s actually stood by me through the whole of this and cared for the ‘winkles’ whilst I was ‘man down.’
Going through is rubbish. It’s never good…always rubbish and I noticed how young I was in comparison to all those say in the waiting room ready for the old surgical mend.
I got stripped down, gowned up..stocking’ed and replaced in another waiting area, after chitter chatter with the surgeon in regards to the big old event. Arrows were then drawn upon the right side of my neck and I was told that I was about to go through a major operation. The right side of my neck was going to get cut open, the giant ‘danger lump’ that had been growing over time…over years… was going to be cut out and then I was going to get stitched back up and sent to recovery overnight.
…even though I did love my granny slippers. Can anyone say ‘Vogue?’ (The funny thing was that the nurse had got pissed off at me because I had put my gown on back to front. I’m used to having my boobs out rather my bum? It confused me. Lol)
But yeah, they walked me into the ‘putting me to sleep’ room. They couldn’t put me to sleep for ages because they I have the infamous ‘wiggly veins.’ My veins get so frightened that they run away, meaning no-one can find one to stab. Never good. I was NERVOUS. Anyway, luckily, they sorted it all out and as they placed the gas mask over my face, I slowly felt myself going under. THANK GOD. All i remember was the Doctor telling me to imagine laying on a warm peaceful beach and start thinking about the things I love. Ruby flashed into my mind, Junior flashed into my mind, Keiran flashed into my mind…then Ruby again…and with that…I was ‘under.’ (It’s weird because it’s those moments that remind you of all the things that matter in life. I guess that’s what it’s like when you’re in your very last minutes of life. You think about the people you love and then you rest yourself to sleep. Luckily mine wasn’t a forever sleep.)
Woke up…all i remember was the fact that I was so cold my teeth were chattering. I was so cold that they had to put a heater blanket thing over me, my temperature was so low they were worried and my blood pressure was through the roof? I slept through the rest of recovery…thank GOD!
They wheeled me to the ward once I looked like I was on the mend and back to normal and the first thing I did after ask for a cuppa tea. (I had been fasting for what felt like ages)…I DID MY FACE. (And I don’t even feel bad for looking like the ‘nutter on the block.’ I wanted to feel alive again. I wanted to feel like ME. I wanted to get back to normal, but more than anything I wanted to see the people I LOVED and I couldn’t because visiting hours weren’t for another 6 hours! 🙁 THIS FIRST THING I NEEDED WAS TO SEE THE PEOPLE I LOVED and i couldn’t. It was mind fuck. I did my face to distract myself and out of boredom, (there is literally nothing to do, started taking ‘selfies.’)
Grabbed my ‘no signal’ phone. #annoying. Touched for the camera and then got THE SHOCK OF MY LIFE…(below was the moment) when I realized that my neck hurt SO MUCH because I now had a tube SEWN INTO IT with a VACUUM attached that was sucking out my blood and draining it into a bottle. 🙁 I had no idea.
I looked around and panicked because all I could see infront of me was no-one I loved, nothing familiar and just this…
THEN, I pulled myself together, breathed it out, asked for a painkiller…and the beauty happened. I RELAXED.
The snacks were a bit rubbish. It was hardly The Ritz…
But I was so grateful to be being looked after. I mean so many people in the world don’t even have the above to snack on, so who was I to moan. I ate it all. I smiled. I got on with it. I was terrified of swallowing after a neck op…but feeling starved helps…:) ..with a side of painkillers.
I’ve always been a grateful girl, i know what matters in life and i know how lucky I am and have been. BUT I HAVE NEVER had my eyes opened as much as they have been after surgery. I was very well taken care of whilst there, yet all i wanted was to see my babies, Keiran, my mum and my dad…and I needed them NOW. It was awful having to wait! I felt SO on edge because they weren’t around me.
I took more ‘selfies’ to pass the time…Plus, I had no started talking to the old ladies around me, making friends with them, letting them tell me all about their lives. I loved hearing their stories. But it’s so awful seeing women who have been broken down..y’know…with broken bones…cut open…bruised…it broke my heart. I was the only one on the ward who was sort of mobile…because they were all in their 50’s and 60’s. But it hurt me most when they told that when they got home they didn’t have anyone to look after them. 🙁 They didn’t have anyone to love or love them. How were they going to get better? 🙁 It was awful for me to hear. But I made some great acquaintances, because when you’re a patient on a ward, be you rich, poor, old, young, you’re just a person..a person in your simpliest form…you’re all the same on that ward.That’s the part I liked about it…the rest of it sucked. 🙂 I NEEDED TO SEE MY LOVED ONES. I had never been so grateful for them.
6.30pm came. I knew that i was going to get visitors because I had asked he nurses to call home and bring me them. They would’ve come anyway, but I just like to make sure. I don’t beat about the bush. 🙂 Plus, I had told Keiran that I didn’t want the children to see me in such a state. However, once out of surgery…that went out the window. I needed all that people that I loved around me. IMMEDIATELY. Love powers you back to well and you sort of have to be put in situations in order to appreciate all that you have.
6.30pm came…and I HAD WATCHED THE CLOCK FOR HOURS. We all had! And although fashionably late…they came..they were here, just seeing them in the distance, in the far distance walking up the ward looking for my bed made me tear up and made my heart leap out of my chest and made my body feel alive again! I could SEE THEM. But I held back the tears and just went with ‘happy,’ as Rubes charged down the ward shouting ‘MUMMY.’
In that moment…life paused and felt amazing again. I could see them. (Oh my GOD, I’m even crying now retelling it all. Lol)
There they were…my family. My two babies and my husband. I didn’t say much, because I would’ve burst into tears. I more played ‘happy’ and did the patient with guests at her bed thing. I’m not naturally like that as a being, as I’m more of a ‘heart on my sleeve’ girl. I’m emotional. Rules don’t come into my emotions! Even though I was on a ward filled with other people…it was like no-one else was there…just my corner and that was IT!
The thing that had got me the most (and I didn’t say anything) was the fact that it made me feel so happy to and for that moment…to have my family back together as one loving unit. It just meant the world to me and it was like everything was how it was supposed to be.
Rubes jumped on my bed to give me cuddles and tell me all about her day. She was like a teenager. Keiran was loving and supportive, but i don’t think he quite likes to see me in such a manner. It’s not nice is it, having to see me with cuts to my neck, in bandages, stitches…with a tube sewn into my throat, that is draining blood…even if i have 100watt smile trying to disguise it. I think men like to see strength in women. So when they see us broken down, it breaks them down a little.
Junior was BRILLIANT. My gorgeous little son. I adore him madly, yet it was SO FRUSTRATING because I didn’t have the strength to be able to pick him up the way I WANTED TO, or cuddle him the way HE NEEDED ME TO and as a Mother that is HEARTBREAKING. There was a point where Keiran had to take Ruby for a wee..and infact take himself for a wee, so he had to leave Junior on the bed with me. (I am well aware how difficult having the two kiddies can be when you’re on your own, so i felt bad for him and grateful.) Junior decided to throw a paddy because he wanted me to pick him up like I always do and cuddle him with glee, whilst playing peek a boo. I did try, but he attempted to pull the blood cord out of my neck..yeah the one that was sewn in…lol…so it got a little risky, so I had to put him down. HE SCREAMED. He needed love.
WHAT I ADORE ABOUT MY KIDDIES…WELL IN FACT ABOUT MY WHOLE FAMILY, INCLUDING MYSELF is the simple fact that WE ARE ALL LOVE BUNNIES!! We all love tactile bits of affection…kissing…cuddling…the works. We’re all stubborn, impatient, strong headed etc…yet when it comes to the good parts and it’s only the good parts that matter…they’re the parts you remember when things like surgery come into play…we are ALL very loving and weirdly, even when a bit broken down, need each other. We thrive off each other.
Anyway, after a baby Junior weep, he decided to just steal my snacks, yes whilst his own mother was dying of surgery…and eat every last bit of them…he was more interested in custard creams than ME! Lol.
Look at him… 🙂
..he WEEPED for those biscuits. It was the most adorable thing ever. He has his Father’s appetite and if I EVER, be I have a big stitch in my neck or not…EVER gave Ruby or in fact ANYONE ELSE a snack and left him out for even a second he would and will throw a PADDY.
Anyway, we all wondered where my parents where. My mum was going to take Ruby to hers to help lift the baby burden a little on Keiran. Plus because she adores the babies, so she usually does as much as she can. However, my poor mum herself right now is going through a heart condition, as is not well. So i’m trying to lift the weight off her a little.
They were waiting outside because you’re only allowed a certain amount of people at your bed at one time. So we had to do a switch and in walk my Mama and Papa, arm in arm, like the happiest little, in love couple ever. Everything seemed to be about togetherness. Everything was perfect. When I saw them, i felt loved. I felt like a little girl.
My mum was so happy to see me fit and well. She’s wonderful at looking after people is my mother, so like all women, she did all the right things. poured my water for me. Helped me. Sorted Ruby out. Did all the mum things. Told me how well I looked and how much she loved me. 🙂
My Daddy, who was a surgeon himself…beamed with happiness because he firstly needed to make sure I was well. I’m his little girl and then he expressed how impressed he was with Keiran because he thought that he wouldn’t maybe care, yet it seems that his actions are now saying a whole different story. My dad loves anyone who takes care of his little girl and the grand babies. We mean a lot to him. To both of them. He’s less feisty than Mum and more of an observer. But he’s the love bunny. He’s were I get my whimsical view of love from. Deep in his own heart (and he’s a quiet man, not with me, but with others) he just hates to see broken down marriages that just need re-oiling… broken down families…that just need regrouping. He’s always set such a great example to me, when it’s come to love and family life. (Both mum and dad have.) He’s a smart guy and believes that all strength comes from family, your foundation and although hard, once it’s strong, you flourish. He believes in commitment and that all children deserve to come home to BOTH a loving mother and caring father, when they return home from school, or their day….as many children don’t get that luxury… it sets stability in their soul…and makes them happy and whole. So they never feel like they have anything missing in their lives. They grown up with love and without insecurity. He’s installed that in me and well I think he was most disappointed when he felt that Keiran wasn’t open to working on the marriage for us and the babies…It goes against everything my father or I believe in. He always used to say to me that, ‘when there’s still a flicker, then that flicker of flame is what can make it all work, as it only takes that little flicker, a let go of pride and an open heart to burn an entire warm fire. The children deserve to be raised in a home with two loving parents. They deserve it. You both think you’ve hurt each other, when really you love each other (and he’d make me look at baby Junior) you’ve only hurt him.’
When he came to the hospital, saw me well and noticed how much Keiran had helped and been there, regardless of the past or what had been said, or happened…and the fact that it seemed that he was continuing to help and be there…and not just part time…on a full time basis…. My dad said that he was really proud of him, because they are the qualities that he enjoys to see in a man and that it showed that he must actually care.
Visiting hour ended and just like that life went back to glum. The ward was just a grey old ward again. The time was dragging. It was like the trees had dropped their leaves again and no amounts of cups of tea could make it better.
My painkillers wore off. That was fun.
Conversation with other patients kept things going for a bit, yet it sort of gets superficial, sort of a ‘pass the time’ hobby once you see your family. I felt bad because one lady didn’t have a family to go home to. So her visitors mattered. Yet I did..and even though my heart went out to her…I couldn’t wait to get out of hospital, I couldn’t be more grateful for my loved ones.
So, I’m home now. I’m on the mend. I’ve been very well looked after. I hate feeling like a burden because i just feel like this lump that can’t do anything. I’m resting. I’m emotional because surgery does that to you. It gets you thinking, stirs you. Last night, I was home with the children, inside from the crazy wind and Keiran was over to help look after the babies…and alongside me being very grateful and feeling really lucky…although a burden, it really meant a lot to the children.
In the last week, when he’s been around, Ruby has been eating, smiling, dancing…feeling more confident. Junior has flourished. Last night, when I was in pain, but still doing bits that I could. I mean, I cooked dinner and organized things for the children, around the house…but I watched.
Like my Daddy had said, Ruby was happy as can be, needy, but happy and she was laid by her ‘Dad’ drinking her bedtime bottle being very two. Junior was stood up on the other side trying to play with a door handle. Every time he managed to touch the handle, he’d lean back with a beam of a smile, that seeked approval from his father.
They’re the little moments that when you aren’t a full time parent you miss. It’s the tiniest things that make a family. So everyone that thinks that families, love and the children are fine with a once a week visit are wrong, because that day turns into a superficial day of ‘routine.’ When it’s the unscheduled bits of love inbetween that makes a family a family. That makes love real. That makes your memory box moments forever.
After everything I’ve been through and all that I’ve thought off whilst sitting in that hospital, I know that it makes me happy to have the family together because it’s the way it should be and if I could work on getting that sorted and how it should be…I would. As to see everyone’s face and not just the children’s…it did seem right. In my mind there’s stuff to work on here. I want to do the right think. I want the fairytale.
I now have no more crazy things happening. No surgeries, no crazy uncontrollable hormones, no madness…just happy recovery bits and finally THE BEAUTY BUSINESS. I cannot wait o recover to get back to working on it. I want to build a massively successful family business and for me..that is IT! It’s going to do so well and already is!
I’ve had alot go on in my life ..babies…health…hormones…and babies. Now i’m on the mend, happy, grateful and looking forward to being ‘back to me’ and back to business.
It’s Valentine’s day tomorrow. That snuck up quickly. Please all of you DO CELEBRATE a day that is dedicated to love. People tend to palm it off as a ‘hallmark’ holiday. Yet if there is a day that you can tell the one you love, or show the one you love tat you love them, then why not celebrate it. It’s a positive thing and a good way to ease into Spring.
Plus, if any of you know anyone who is in hospital PLEASE DO take the time to visit them. It really is the most boring place on earth and that few moment of being able to have guests makes ALL THE DIFFERENCE. It can make you well again and forget that you are poorly!
My love goes out to anyone who has been involved in the floods. To all the families and children who are having to suffer from the bad weather.
Anyone else on the mend from surgery. Hope you’re being well looked after. If not, keep your chin up and rest with a smile! It could be worse!
I will tell you that I am SO EXCITED for Ruby’s BIRTHDAY PARTY. It’s her first ever BIG PARTY and she turns THREE! I can’t believe it. I’m filled with excitement about it simply because she is. She finally gets what a party is and she’s waited ages, like I said before for it to be her turn. I mean she even has another friends party before her own, making her ever more eager.
It’s such a big moment when your baby has her first big party, because you can’t believe how fast the time has flown. I can’t believe how big she is now. I can’t believe she’s turning THREE. MY BABY RUBY!!
She’s really happy because she’s having it at one of her favourite places and her family alongside a few friends will be there to celebrate and play. How cute! I’m looking forward to it! 🙂 It makes me want to mend faster!
Sending you all love!
Oh and a quick big thank you to Hayley and Graham for my surprise, ‘get Well Soon’ card. I love surprise cards on my doorstep so it made my morning!
I love it! Thank you!