Love, Luxury and an Air mattress

Woke up this morning on an air mattress, next to a dreamy mixed raced handsome of ‘lover lover.’ (Note: I am actually talking about my darling little Loverboy. My one, my only, my forever…blah, blah,blah. Ever the romantic. I mean, i didn’t just silent movie *creep* onto an air mattress, with an *ooh* face and tucked in boobies, that had a random, shirtless mixed raced boy laid upon it. (‘SURPRISE!!!’ *Opens shirt, shimmies bare chubby chest!*) That was Wunna 2004..5…6…7..and 8. Oh and 9? I’m all terribly loved up, now that 2010 has hit me. Sooooo loved up, that i chose to actually breed with this ‘handsome’ (HURRAH) and simply because he wasn’t anything like my last 10 boyfriends, who i filed under ‘loser much.‘) I mean he still gets ‘bare chubby chest’ shaking. Yet when he squeezes them i don’t feel *heartbreak*…they just *honk.*

I actually had the best, sleep ever. It was like sleeping on a bouncy castle, yet one that was at his parents home, perfectly wedged between four walls which form the living room labelled ‘Nana Jones.’ I’m an affectionate kitten of ‘ooh,’ (I’ll force- kiss you, with my fish lips, whether you like it or not.) Therefore, waking up, in last night’s makeup, in a tank top reading ‘I *heart* Me’ and being able to kiss the forehead (not that forehead 🙂 we did that, and i got pregnant ) of my beautiful gent of deliciousness, makes my world complete. He’s going to be my *baby daddy.* I’m lucky to have picked a hot hero…(even i’m shocked!!) I mean, i usually pick far shitter men. Men than don’t deserve a bit of The old Wunna. Cupid could have swung me a complete waste of time. Yet he didn’t, proving that good things happen to good people and that’s no matter what. Those who are rooted with evil, yet try their hardest to smear  a buttery *good* on top of it…always fail. The way they suffer is by having to watch ‘the good’ move forward  in life, to a better platform. When ‘the bad’ think they’re getting ahead, they really never are. *Yawn.* They’re just jogging on the spot…pointlessly and due to bitterness.

So i’ve totally decided that I love air matresses after spagetti bolognese and sparkling  water. Infact i remember the last thing i saw before my eyes decided to quit living through Wednesday Sept 1st, 2010, was Dom Jolly, getting pissed up on Moonshine, with a bucked toothed red neck, by an open fire, playing some kind of crap D.I.Y banjo. No wonder i woke up happy! My eyes are actually sore from sleeping in my contact lenses, but fuck it…i’ve woken up with a lot sorer parts, so i’ll take sore eyes on a Thursday anyday! How nice is the weather today! I mean, heelllo Indian Summer! (The last time i woke up on an air mattress by the way, was when i was dating some annoying alcoholic New Jersey marine, in LA. He yelled in his sleep and muttered about plant pots. Although he was great at gift buying. He unfortunately was lacking in the department of ‘truth telling.’ Bless his navy socks…or whatever they were? Yeah..telling me you had a wife would have been good!!)

Loverboy was feeling all on top of this world this morning, therefore commited to cooking me breakfast. I’m a Glamour Puss…but i’m quite partial to a fry up. Strange things happen to me during a fry up intake! I think at 10.05am this morning, over bacon, i decided i was going to go to law school and be an Attorney. (I know right? How Elle Woods.) But i really did. Then within 4 minutes, i changed it to ‘beautician.’ Yet after deciding that they didn’t get paid enough in Ponty, (and probably because beauticians in Ponty make you look like Pat Butcher) i went back to wanting to be a lawyer. I think it’s because i have a *bump.* I feel fat, therefore i consider work options (purely out of boredom) where having a *bump* wouldn’t matter. The fact that i’d only be a lawyer simply to wear power suit outfits and beable to *strut*…is disturbing. I can’t be arsed with saving the day or infact people who fall down holes and want to claim compensation. 🙂 Plus, i had bacon to finish eating, before finding my ‘handsome’ a new home. ( I think he got one! *Fingers crossed.*) I enjoy that i couldn’t see under my eyelashes, mid-fry up eating. It depicted what was wrong with society today. Who needs sight, when you have these boobs and bacon. 🙂

Other than all that, i’ve been enrolling myself in acting schools, pointing up and down my body and telling people they ‘love this shit.’ Haha. I’ve been calling myself a M.I.L.F and i’ve not only felt 100% COMPLETELY in love today, but also along with giving my gays that really great, mildy rubbish *gets you into all kinds of trouble* Wunna advice..i’ve gone off garlic because it keeps giving me a headache. Garlic’s meant to prevent you from kissing undesirables. ‘Oh sorry we can’t make out, i’ve just had garlic.’ But no. Instead, God’s decided to make me eat garlic and then make my head hurt. I need my head. How the hell am i supposed to *Hair-toss?*

Talked to Mikey Kardashian again today and  began disucssing how much we adore the Crazy Bear hotel group. Have you seen their hotel? It’s like the Ultimate Chrissie Wunna, Glamour Puss pool of lushness. I’m taking Loverboy there, so we can pretend we’re Kings and Queens of ghetto fabulousness and i can guzzle champers from brash buckets, whilst shouting ‘Guurl, you bedda check yo’ text. Mmmkay!’  It’s quite pricey, but worth the memory. Mikey stayed there. He showed me his online bank statement. Nothing humours me more than his banking details of ‘this is what i’ve spazzed my money on.’ Know that  the best thing about staying at the Crazy Bear hotel, is the fact that it will read ‘Crazy bear hot’ on your statement…followed by the price it cost you to have that moment. It makes it look like you spent your money on erotic animal porn kingdoms and maybe donkies. I’d spend my money on a donkey. But only if i could call it ‘Susan.’

Anyway, before i start thinking i’m funny and going on a tragic trail of evil….I reminded my glam gay Mikey, that he had exquisite taste. We have the exact same taste in the things that matter in life…like lip gloss and genitals. Then i reminded him to use his great taste for evil and simply because it’s funny. Without a single *pause* for thought. He immediately replied with a ‘…like killing anacondas, bleaching them and making bags? I *heart* my new Jimmy Choo.’ Followed by a glorious picture of it. I LOVE my Fairy Gay Fathers! Gimme! Gimme!

On a more moral note, i did learn a brief lesson today, from Mr.John.Wattis. The Father of my dear dear Loverboy. I get on with the Wattis family really well and probably because i *heart* their baby son very deeply.

Whilst by a bread bin and sat on kitchen bar stools, he reminded dear Peter (after he was going on about how he wanted to spaz his money on modern day luxuries like 3D tellies..) that all that truely matters in life is the relationships you have and keep. Love and happiness. He reminded us that we could live in a hovel, but we’d be the happiest couple this world had ever seen, simply because we had each other and we weren’t STUPID enough to fall for the trap that makes the foolish believe that they are better because they have a better car, a better house, a bigger salary or even fame. ‘You could have every gadget in the world, and still feel completely empty .’

I’ve always thought that about those fighting for fame, (i was one of them in my early to mid-twenties..) were those who needed to feel loved or to fill a void. Which is really different to wanting to make your mark on this world, inspire others selflessly and be happy. Those who are happy doing their craft will do it anyway and without a NEED for fame. (Now, i’m not judging. I’ve been there. I’ve commited to a great deal of jobs before and not out of love, yet simply out of ‘wanting to be famous.’  I’m just reminding you lovely folk about what truely matters, in order to get ahead.)

For example, i wrote my blog for years and years, without expecting ANYTHING to come from it. I wrote it everyday for years and never took a ‘shortcut,’ simply because i loved doing it and well i continue to do so, even to this day. I accidentally sort of dedicated so much time, sweat and love to my blog (5 years) and without even realizing. It’s the ‘without even realizing’ that matters. I was therefore gifted with a book deal by the gods of ‘ooh laa.’ I couldn’t be happier. Love came out of love. Wacky concept, right? 🙂 [Pour yourself an icey gin here.]

Since moving back to Yorkshire and finding Pete.. my true love..and when i say ‘true,’ i mean it from the very bottom of my heart. Like when i was a little girl and i dreamt of being with a boy…that boy was him. I kinda just took an emotional detour. Oopsie. I guess that’s what Chrissie Wunna does! Now that i feel truely loved and like i have an actual purpose. I’m surrounded by two perfect families, friends, a true love, an upcoming baby and a fairytale magic that’s seemed to whirl around my life. I haven’t at all craved fame and why? Because i finally (at 29) feel whole. I’m concentrating on my story and not anyone elses.

Things that are meant to come to you, will just come to you. Both Loverboy and I’s parents started out with not much and ended up with what i would call  great financial success. They worked hard over the years and got to a point where money was no longer a worry and their children would never have to go without. (I’ve noticed that today’s young try and live beyond their means.)

 The good thing about our parents is that they never teach us to be rich or famous or infact anything of that sort. They teach us to love and quite wisely because they know it is the only thing that can make ANY human a complete and utter success. (It took me 29 years to truely realize this.)

At the end of the day…i’m a Glamour Puss and well luxury is something that i can’t pass off too easily. You have to slowly pluck my body from hugging any piece of dirty luxury that  i can get my grubby asian hands on. So for right now, lets be superficial and enjoy the pictures of the Crazy Bear Hotel much!!!  🙂 LOVES IT!!!


I think i’m on ‘Sex Lessons’ again on Fiver tonight at 10pm.

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