‘Are you okay?’
‘Yeah, I’m fine.’
‘Why are you so quiet? You seem so withdrawn?’
‘I’m fine. I’ve just got a lot…I’m fine. Lol.’
‘You know, if you’re not fine, you can chat to me about it..’
I looked to my right, through the corner of my little oriental eye. And as I travelled in the front passenger seat of my Mother’s silver Mercedes… I gently smirked, shook my head a little…and just said,
‘Honestly…I’m fine. I just have a lot going on. I need to make some changes, I’m waiting to hear good news and i’m just a bit stressed out because if of it all. I’m okay.’
‘Y’know, this whole blog thing on Friday…’
‘Just incase people forget to tell you how proud they are of you, or how inspired they are by you…I want you to know, that I couldn’t be MORE PROUD of you. You’re on ya way now…’
I smiled, turned my head forward, my eyes filled up a little, but just enough to make me *beam* and not weep. Then I turned up the radio…and we karaoked all the way back to mine… to this…
You see, I’m telling you about that moment… and let me tell you, moments like that are sometimes hard for me to deliver, as even though i’m sassy and fun, I’m proud girl, I don’t like to come across as weak or negative, or a damsel in distress to anyone EVER..because i’m not. 🙂
Yet, when you’re going through a really BIG time in your life, that key changer…that moment where something means so much to you…and for me, it’s not just the blog awards, as mean win or lose that (and I want to win it) I’ll still be blogging and doing it with that good old Wunna panache. I’m so honoured to be a finalist. However, with all the meetings, all the work, the new chapters, new opportunities.. the waiting to hear good news…the investment….and let’s face it, it’s all come out of nowhere and all come very fast…During that time, you’ll shimmie on a wave like frequency that takes you UP where you’re so juiced, that you’re at your most confident and then DOWN, where nerves kick in and you second guess yourself.
That’s the same with anything you care about passionately. Be it in work, family…or love. Yet, only when it’s out of your control, do you feel anxious. You can’t MAKE someone give you that dream opportunity. You can’t MAKE someone love you. All you can do is give everything your best shot, hope for the best, make yourself of value and with a positive *beam* of life…not worry about the things that you can’t control. (Rum works tooooo.)
It’s a lesson I learn over and over again…all of the time.
When things mean so much to me, I sometimes get terrified. Yet with the right support, love and *pats on the back*…within seconds….I’m back, I feel powerful and utterly positive. That’s why you NEED great people around you.
It is okay to ride ‘the wave’…it’s natural, it’s human. You don’t need to think anything is wrong with you? You just need to know that you’re actually greater than you ever thought. I’m a ‘get on with it’ girl and that worrying about things that you can’t control…helps no one. It makes you less powerful.
I walked to the post office today at around 4.30pm and I watched this random 30 something year old dude, talk to his 20 something year old girlfriend, like she was he biggest piece of shit, he had ever known. To make it worse…she looked all weak and nervous. She looked like half of version of herself. It got to me, but i walked straight past it, as it was her version of life, not mine. But as I did… and I didn’t look back, I hoped to GOD that she one day found it in herself to grow ten feet tall and become the most powerful and sassy fucker of a lady EVER. One that pisses glitter, dollar bills and *fucks it* all over his sorry, beer bellied ‘your tracksuit was too small for you’ arse. How could she be so blinded, to think that that was love? The man who loves you will cherish you…chase you, respect you, care for you and look after you.
And to anyone who *whops* out their ‘high horse’ for no beneficial reason, you need to learn to be good to people, because YOU DON’T KNOW who or what ANYBODY is going to become! So you might treat someone like absolute SHIT and one day find that they’re doing 4 million times better than you could EVER DO. You might one day need their help and on that day, they’ll kick off their kitten heels, sit back and laugh in your muggly little face.
In a way, seeing that moment empowered me….
So fuck it…on Friday…Let’s go WIN some shit! 🙂