Okay so last night was amazing. Apart from a taxi driver who had no fucking idea where he was going. Okay, i’ve said it once and i’ll say it again…IF your JOB is to DRIVE people PLACES, the idea is that YOU KNOW where places ARE!!! Omg! I got trailed around the whole city, for no reason, with some dude, who’d rather pervy perv on me than actually take me to my goddam destination… He even had a navigational devicey thingy, and still had no clue where he was!! When i got into the car, i was all polite, cheery and overly excited. When i got out of the car, i was one white leopard print, wish i was drunker MESS! I mean, he even left me (in my full slag, no coat glory, holding a big bottle of Smirnoff ice) next to a pub full of drunk males, and a street gang. A STREET FUCKING GANG!!
So you know when you see a little gang of 14 year old boys, hovering around with no place to go, and looking like they want to murder you’re first born child, or simply rob a newsagents, and you know you have to pass them, in order to get to your final destination, where a glass of wine hopefully awaits you. You kinda just walk on right? (Yet on the otherside of the street) hoping that they don’t really care too much about your existance, and all that good stuff. And usually that’s the case. But oh no. I walk by and they all start trundling towards me, giving me the ‘hey baby!’ It was so Michael Jackson ‘Thriller’ video, but they were all holding very long metal sticks and in cheap black hoodies. (hahaha) I was sooo scared, so me being the brains of the any serious operation decide to call…(nope, not the heavies, the police or the ghost-fucking-busters) but (and wait for it) …the only Gay in the Village, whos co-ordinating hairbands with shirts!!
Yep, i call Samuel, who’s up in his appartment watching me about to get finger banged by badly dressed 14 year olds with sticks. He was actually pretty good at being my ‘on phone’ bodyguard. It was kinda like the Matrix, but not at all because i was about to get raped…so i guess if the Matrix was a porno??? Anyway, one of these 14 yr old kiddies with sticks, is deciding to hit on me. I felt like i was getting chatted up by evil Umpa lumpas. (Note to any boy in a street gang, who might want ass….. girls will always be weary if you carry big metal poles in your hands, whilst trying to tell them they’re beautiful.) GO BACK TO ROMANCE CAMP!!! And well instead of being a quivering wreck, i use the old Wunna ‘front’ (not the chest, as that was simply getting me into more bother than necessary.) I simply TELL HIM OFF…like i’m his Mother! (hahaha) God i’m old!! I was like, ‘Honey, i am 28 years old!!’ (But i was actually shitting my pants. And not literally, as that would be a bit awkward at such a time. However, it could’ve possibly scared them away, or made them want to viciously beat me.) Long story short…got into Sam’s building, got a bit drunky, watched the show, swore a lot at the TV, then headed out to Vendome.
Had a fabulous night. The music was a bit too ‘dance remix’ for my liking. I’m into hip/hoppy/ madness. We had our pictures taken, got trashed on Grey Goose. Met up with a much blonder Carrie and a very boobied Meddy. It was actually good, as i haven’t seen Carrie since slagging her off on the telly, (hahaha) so i got to spend some time with her…and she is sweet after all. We had fun. I don’t remember much else, apart from neon, dancing, lollipops, catching up, getting tired, Samuel being my boyfriend/pimp and penis for the evening and leaving at like 3.45am…which was far too late a time to leave any place on a Thursday…espeically when you’re a used up trollop like Moi.
Woke up this morning and had a bacardi breezer. I need some loving and i need it NOW!! Come to Mama boys! (And bring your poles with ya! Wink wink)