Good morning my fabulous twinklets of ‘Yeah baby.’ I’ve been up since 4.32am, so bare with me. I’m coffeed up to the max (I now drink coffee through a straw so my teeth don’t get stained 🙂 ) and even though i’m supposed to be kitty sleeping, when Baby Junior decides to take a kip, a nap, a little snoozerella, it seems during those moments of essential rest time, my mind rebels to the thought of peace and I find myself doing everything I can in order to stay busy. I’m my own best friend and my own worst enemy all at the same time. Yippeee! Splenda Margaritas for everyone! (I don’t do ‘sugar’ anymore either. I’ve reverted back to my Hollywood days and only using Splenda.)
In my last blog I was moaning about life, the way I do when I’m adorning my bratty hat and so since then and after watching a documentary that changed my thought process, reading a text that mirrored my actions and receiving wise words from the Great Wunna before me, I learnt to be absolutely grateful for all that I am and all that I have in my life. (I’m a bitch with my hormones because they rule my sensitivity like a wild fire in the forest, streaming across lands of time swiftly, madly, but swirled in glitter and in stilettos.) My hubby came back Monday evening at 7.30pm and even though I was bratty at first…it ended up being wonderful, as he came for a yummy cuddle and assured me that everything was going to be alright.
We’re in our bubble of ‘fairytale.’ Infact, I speak of the bubble like it’s a place we enter and exit, but we don’t. We’re always in it. Yet we forget at times and also start forgetting that we’re safe in there. Lol. Keiran’s been nothing short of lovely and i’ve noticed how much he’s changed and adapted in order to make me smile. He loves me with everything that he is and is a man who wants to make the object of his affection feel on top of the world, like she’s the luckiest girl in the world. He wants success, the best of everything and has an idealistic view on love.
I’ve sort of stretched him (not like that 😉 )…but pushed him in order to bring out the best in him, or just in order to have a strop. Then once he’s done his absolute best, I tell him that he needs to go that little bit further, which all men read as ‘i’m not good enough.’ It’s not really a fair manner is it? I don’t know why I expect so much from him. I think it’s because he’s filled with potential and well…I see a wife role as not just sitting behind the side lines and cheerily clapping, but being able to bring out the best in your man and pushing him to be all that he can…then clapping.
Keiran currently tries to do everything he can for our new little family. He’s always been romantic, yet has come on miles from his ‘party-party’ days, in order to be a man and set an example for his son, show little Ruby what a decent gent is made of and well show me that he is all I could ever wish for. Yet, he is all I could ever wish for, infact all of the above without evening trying and I know that because no matter how hard you push someone, if that manner isn’t NATURALLY sprinkled or grained in their system, flowing through their blood…they just can’t do it. He IS the best man, the best father and WILL BE the success that he wants to be. I like to push him both mentally and emotionally because I feel like during the initial part of our relationship, he was letting HIMSELF down..and he’s not that. He’s A WARRIOR and great women make an impact on a man’s life. (I mean look at the Mexican guy i dated. he inboxed me to apologize for being a dick and then thank me for all that I apparently taught him about himself and life and the meaning of self worth.)
These days, Keiran is lovely. Fully lovely. Not half lovely. I’m just the kind of kitten who needs to be told and shown how much i’m adored constantly. If i’m not, i get all narky, mixed in with hormones and turn into a nuisance because i’ve been hurt. Meaning i’m a great deal more sensitive than I ever knew!! My Hubby is usually good ta showering me with affection. Yet of recent due to stress and well me barking at him he’s been lost.
In my last blog, I said we were all ‘beige,’ and ‘beige’ was something that I had to get used to. In this blog, I can tell you that we’re not at all ‘beige’…we’re that fiery red hot poker beam and simply based upon our connection. I’ve missed him and well it’s sad when Ruby, Junior and I are enjoying Saturday Summer mornings in the garden, loving ‘family life’ and without a single stress in the world. If anything, I have the best hand dealt, as he’s having to work 12 hour shifts on no sleep, then when he does get to rest kip on a chair in the back of his van, nowhere near the girl of his dreams and nowhere near his little girl or newborn son.
Fuck beige! We’re gleaming baby, yeah-yeah! I think my recent jiggery pokkery has made him feel unbalanced and when men feel unbalanced they close off, or rebel. When women feel under cherished, even if we’ve made it up in our own heads, we nuisance. He thought I had been sending out mixed messages to him, but now he gets how much love i have for him…so we’re back to being trooper strong. He’s getting there, I mean he is still slightly closed off, as he used to be so filled with outspoken affection, that was bursting out of his seams for me. It’s a lot of stress being a guy and he’s the kinda guy that needs love and needs me to love him in a ‘picture perfect’ manner. We’re both sort of idealistic and have high expectations of one another. I complicate everything in order to make it feel ‘busy,’ even though I KNOW it’s the simple things in life that matter. Yet since being pregnant and having to do ‘not much’ for the last year, I’ve kinda yearned for things to be ‘busy’ out of utter boredom. So i’ve kicked sand in his face to feel ‘life’ and feel alive.
Now, that I get it…i’m okay once more.
Yesterday all was back to normal. We enjoyed our children. Bathed in the sun. Loved each other. It was simple and perfect. I went on my buggy work out TWICE, he went to the gym with the boys. Life was calm.
This morning however was mayhem. I’m now used to doing the night shit with the newborn. My body just understands that it gets up through the night and then fully at 5am. I’m not even miserable about it. It just happens. However, this morning Baby Junior was pooing for England at 4am, Ruby was being a lollipop, after we were making an RSVP for her friend Edward who’s birthday it is next month, (her RSVP is a giant swirl lollipop, with a tag attached to it saying ‘I’ll be there. Ruby.’ It’s a cuter way to tell someone you’ll celebrate their ‘another year older,’ moment, Keiran was showering and packing to leave and well I was crazily bleeding like a man woman! This was all before 6am.
Junior was crying so I went to tend to his every wimper, I suddenly realized I was in a pool of blood, that my shorts we’re soaked in and when I ran to the loo, blood was gushing out of my ‘lady part,’ had covered a pad I was wearing, and giant sized clots the size of gooey golf balls we’re slopping out of me. They were so big I could actually FEEL them coming out. It felt like a mouse crawling out of my vagina.
I immediately alerted Keiran at 4.45am 🙂 (who was receiving an emergency work call,) and well he just stood there and glared at the mess of it all. The positively stated, after I insisted that I was dying, that all would be okay.
Don’t worry…it is. Apparently, it’s my first period after child birth and my last big out pour before getting back to normal. Erm…my arse it’s a period. Moses could’ve parted the God Damn thing!! I had a smear yesterday, which stimulated the madness. I hate smears. I do not want anymore people shoving things that shouldn’t be in my vagina…well….into my vagina. I’ve had enough!! Yesterday the GP whopped out a fricking metal CLAMP. A CLAMP! Then wedged it in me, to wedge things open, to then take a ‘now wedged’ swab. I’m bleeding like i’ve been eaten by bears, or savaged by angry midgets!!
Luckily after today, it’ll be over. I’m on bed rest and i’ve been told to remain horizontal. (I’ve already been tottering all over the place mixing bowls of chilli, doing the washing, rebelling in any way I can in a vertical fashion.) But it sucks that I can’t get my groove on and gallop through my buggy workout today! I’ve gotten really into now and well the bleeding has caused it to ‘pause button.’ 🙁
I’ve noticed that on my walks all the Grandads around Ackworth say ‘hello’ as you pass them and it’s lovely. It takes you right back into the olden days where people were much nicer, more open, more secure and therefore friendly. They warmly welcomed you into their life with open arms and a jelly heart. These days everyone keeps themselves to themselves out of utter fear, selfishness and insecurity. Men have become a lot more ‘fronty,’ as they feel that without that fabulous income or a streak of complete success they aren’t much to anyone. OR they’re just less classy than the gents of olden times. They’re more, ‘I’m not sharing my can of Stella with you, you slag,’ instead of tipping their hat to you in the sunshine our of respect, goodness and just basic cheeriness. AND with a ‘hello’ that isn’t suggestive.
Women have just become a great more insecure over time. I don’t even need to list the reason’s why…and mainly because I can’t be bothered. Yay!
Anyway, i’m gonna end it on a good note and tell you all to truly appreciate the people you have in your life, your troopers, the people you love…I’m filled with love today, so i might as well spread the joy. It’s not like I can do anything else. I’m fricking horizontal.