Went to bed last night feeling useless, not knowing where i stood in this world, what i was suppposed to be doing, or why i was writing this blog?? The walls were crumbling in. I had basically lost my footing and was not truely understanding what my purpose in this life was, and whilst wishing i was belly dancing or at a Japanese tea ceremony i simply fell alseep.
Luckily i woke up feeling ON TOP of the World!! Proving you really can’t get this silly bitch down. I guess, my case of ‘Da Blues,’ was mainly due to my regular monthly ‘crimson tide.’ I’m feel great today! If you feel like shit, sleep on it (ooh-er) and you’ll feel a whole lot better in the morning. (Well that’s if you don’t die or something mid-snooze. Then ofcourse you won’t really feel anything, but the Hand of God cupping your ‘Whoopdee.’)
Everyone knows I enjoy to amuse and be amused! Mainly BE amused, at all costs and it usually involves picking on others, especially those who take themselves a bit too seriously. Humour at the expense of others is really the only way to go, in Wunnaland. Yet saying that i’m quite willing to put my own arse on the line for a random comedic moment…provided there’s an audience, applause or a stream of eager cameras (Yes i am that superficial. Hurrah!)
I’m a joker, i’m a prankster and well i love to take the mickey out of others. I don’t care if it upsets them, because as long as i’m laughing my head off, then that’s all that really matters! I mean i feel as though Britian needs to muscle up, toughen up and beable to take a bit more of a whacking. There’s so many cry babies in this country. What is wrong with you!?! Everythings always got to be so PC. (Ugh!! )I hate people who can’t take a bit of a joke. They need to be fed to the viscious lions, then battered with ginormous chicken drumsticks and tickle wands. I take the piss out of Myself, more than i do anyone else, and i’m kinda glad that half you Brits can’t master the art of it, as it’s sure as hell making me more popular by the day!
The best prank i ever pulled was when i (and an gaggle of troopers) broke into someones appartment on Sunset Blvd, whilst they were away on vacation, re-painted all their walls in horizontal army camouflage stripes, hid everything they owned and covered their floor in leaves, bushes and this random army netting stuff. Then made a real life camp fire in the middle of their living room, (hahaha…i’m sorry i’m laughing at my Greatness,) made a spit roast thing and waited until the day he was coming back from his vacation. An hour before i knew he would return, i went back to his appartment, stripped down naked, made myself look like a jungle prisoner of war, and had someone tie, bound and gag me to a chair, in the middle of his ‘not lit anymore’ camp fire, next to a rotating spit roast! OMG!! This guy didn’t really know me that well at all. Infact he had only met me once. So it was HILARIOUS!! He nearly died! It was brilliant. We’ve been best friends ever since, but i only got away with it ‘cos he fancies me a little bit.
The other prank that i quite like, is one where i had a house party after a night at Sky Bar in LA and one of my drunk friends, (he’s a famous actor) had stolen my neighbours peddle bike and brought it to my party…thinking it was mine? He then decided to ride it around my living room in his boxers, that looked like a diaper, that i had politely poured beer down. Anyway, i had to think of a way to get it back to neighbour without him really noticing it’s absence. Instead of doing that, i just got really trashed and in a tiny sequined dress, carried this monster of a yellow peddle bike, to my neighbours front door, whilst doing a Beyonce booty dance. I took ‘Strong friend’ with me and we rang the neighbours door bell at 3 am in the morning. He quite stupidly came to the door and as he opened it.. all smiles and light, thinking i was going to ask for a cup of sugar, ‘Strong friend’ visciously SHOVES him out the way. ‘Neighbour’ falls to the floor and i (like a chimp on crack) peddle the yellow peddle bike as fast as i can, through into his living room. I peddle it round and around pissing myself with laughter and finally leave it there before doing the big ‘RUN’ back into my appartment. GREATNESS!!! For some odd reason, my drunk friend was deeply upset at my neigbours choice in TV shows. So he waited until my neighbour had recovered from the fall and the shock of the incident. Then HE went over, rang his doorbell and did it all over again!! (haha) But after shoving him, simply walked into this living room, drank his beer, switched his Tv channel over and legged it! (Hahahahah.)
If you do anything today! Take the piss out of someone you care about! One day they’ll thank you for it…but just not today!