Jiggery and Pokery

Great morning innit! The sun is out, the birds are a chirping, i’ve frollocked around gleefully in the garden, made daisy chains out of diamonds, winked at passersby¬†and got stuck up trees, in dying hope that a shirtless fireman would come and *hose* me out of that goddamn chunk of trunk. ūüôā I’m feeling like a Glamour puss today, dipped in a gooey pool of deliciousness. I feel happy, i feel strong, i feel AMAZING, and i pretty much feel like i can conquer the world and with a rather seductive wiggle and a morning mimosa!

‘Latin lover’ called me last night and i picked up because i haven’t really talked to him in a jolly old time. He’s madly in love once more and i apparently make him feel ‘whole.’ I make him feel ‘whole’ because 2 hours before he called, he was in his appartment in LA, sat with a bunch of friends, flicking through the channels and there i was.. with feathers on my nipples, on his tv screen, with Paris Hilton. He told me that he loved me, missed me and how he wanted me to come back to LA, be his, and buy him a car. Hmm..? *Rolls eyes*

My journey to England has been a very important one. I’ve learnt a lot about life, Me and who i want to be and after a ‘jiggery pokery’ in a dusty lime of light, a lot of cock (tails) and a lot of playing with all walks of life, with all walks of people and sharing all walks of shame….in hot pink heels.¬†I’ve found myself in a great position. One where, i don’t actually feel taken advantage of and where i’m surrounded by those who are quite quite genuine. Real people and don’t get me wrong, i’m highly abnormal, therefore the adjustment is rather difficult. Yet, the people i have around me, let Me be Me and infact they celebrate my quirks, my ‘ooh laa’ and life with me and¬†assure me¬†that everythings going to be okay…(oh and that i’m a whore. I got called one at 8am this morning, by a chick friend who wanted me to go and have a barbeque breakfast with her. I was laid in bed and I think i just looked at her…(down my pink phone) and scowled. Which translates as..‘why the jeebers are you calling me at 8am??’ I haven’t even had my painkillers yet!’ The silence got the better of her and the word ‘Whore’ trolloped out of her mouth. lol)

Anyway, (back to boys) as soon as ‘Latin lover’ who was in a moment of *excited face*¬†started talking…he slipped out about how i could come back, make him money and buy him a car…i actually felt churny sick. I’m not sure how he hasn’t come up with the concept of working really hard, making his own money, buying himself one and NOT using me for one? I don’t¬†enjoy men like that.¬†¬†Anyway, this is all hypothetical…as i’m currently in the UK, armed with my¬†‘Lover-Lover boy’ and i am¬†mucho happy.¬†I mean before Loverboy went to bed¬†last night, he sent me a text from bed¬†reading, ‘At home now laying in bed. Just a txt 2 say nighty night & that i love you soooooo much.’ I love that. I mean, like my friends, he doesn’t pretend that he doesn’t know anything about me, or what i’ve done, what i may look like, where i’ve been, how i’ve lived. He knows it all and openly admits it, yet can seem to express himself honestly about it all and love ME for who i am…love bumps n’all. ūüôā Yet he did go to school with me?¬†Two weeks ago ‘Loverboy’ said ‘i’m slowly feeling more comfortable around you, because i’m learning that you are a normal person after all.’ I think that’s cute, honest and definitely deserves some sort of a *wink.*

I mean, i go around his parents house and have tea with his nan and talk to his family and i love it. It’s a whole new thing to me. I’ve never done it before, in such a comfortable fashion. Now, don’t get me wrong, i’m a *treat* (wiggle wiggle) to date. However, at the same time, a¬†difficult ¬†kitten to date. I know this because men tell men this. Yet, it’s not because i’m evil…because i’m far far from it. I’m playful..which is the delicious other end of the spectrum. I love my life and i’m¬†happy. I don’t need to be evil to me make me feel greater.

I’m difficult to date, because firstly i’m really different to how any boy percieves me…which throws them for a loop and they get confused and terrified.¬†THEN their own delicious mind and sense of self security *toys* with them and gnaws at their every ‘being.’ I, without knowing test the strength of a man. I weed out the faint hearted.¬†I’m a strong puss of glamourousity…i can take you at your worst. Therefore i find it¬†weird¬†when¬†men can’t take me…at my best. I can handle anything…with panache and in stockings. The boy i’m with is strong…and he doesn’t even fully know it.

Anyway enough of all that…i love you, I do. But i will tell you that, not only is my phone ringing right now, but i have lunch a waiting me and a gentleman from Facebook has decided to inbox me a picture of him laid down naked, playing with his *wonka.* Ewww! I don’t find that hot. Yet it is hilarious. Especially when i show my mum and ALL of my friends, over crumpets.¬†Other than that., I’ve had to shout at a few morning pervs, beat a couple young ones with sticks and then explain to another…reluctantly… that I am an actual real life person. I hate having to do that, because a Wunna NEVER needs to explain herself. *Pout-strut* I do get forced to on occasion and yes…i despise it.

One final thing…if you do see me out and about, feel free to come and say ‘hello.’ I’ve had a bundle of messages from people, who tell me exactly where they’ve spotted me, yet they daren’t ‘holla at a biatch’ due to fear. One boy, for example…who is lovely, saw me at a pub with Loverboy at the weekend in the day and didn’t dare to pop over and say ‘hey HEY hey’ (You can do cheeky chappy arms there, i’ll let you.)

Anyway, he didn’t want to say ‘hello’ because he didn’t want to look like he was jumping on the ‘i know Chrissie Wunna bandwagon.’ Now, as far as i know…that’s a pretty GREAT bandwagon to be on…so jump aboard and bring midgets. I replied to him explaining that ‘Girls in booty shorts don’t bite!’ And i really don’t. People are¬†going through this odd ‘see me, stare at me for a rather long period of time, but don’t say anything to me’ phase. Which i find bizarre? I mean i¬†like it, when you interupt my dinner at a restuarant..it means i won’t eat it all and therefore won’t be the next [Insert fat person here.] Plus, I (no joke) like when you stop me at shopping centres, because it means i won’t spaz my money, on any old dildo and pair of ‘so done’ shoes. I enjoy it, when you find me bars drunk, because you can lull me into a false sense of security and make out with me in the back of an ‘about to rip me off’ taxi. I like people. I like you, which is pretty much code for ‘¬†i’m an attention whore.‘ If you don’t come to mama, i will have to commit to some shameful act of nudity.

Anyway, i need sun. (*Gleefully wiggles off…swearing*)

 

 

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