Thank GOD, it’s the last day of 2013. I mean, I didn’t think it could get any worse…but last night…and of course….it did. I’m now separated. That’s after one week of being given a new wedding band. I guess, like I said, you can’t just give someone a material object and then rush off into ‘party land’ doing the same things you always did. But it’s fine and I feel positive. I get that I won’t find someone who loves me like a ‘true love.’ Cupid’s been toying with me for decades now and I always fought him on it. But I get it. And I also guess that when a being that you’ve chosen to be your partner chooses friends and party over his family of wife and children…then you just have to let them learn that lesson themselves, as I’ve lost nothing. Everything stays the same for me. i’m used to feeling single and living separately within my marriage. I’ve been doing it by myself for months now. Yet what the boy in question doesn’t get and after I’ve apologized. (The reason why you apologize is to say your peace and because you’re sorry. Then you are also guilt free because you gave the other party an option and THEY chose differently.) But yeah, what he doesn’t get is that there is no substance when it comes to friends and party land, over wife and family. As when they all settle down, have babies and newborns, or even get married in the next coming years…they’re not going to be out partying are they? They’re going to be sensible enough to do the right thing and where does that leave him…on his own, looking back on a past where he once had a good wife, a beautiful daughter and a baby boy. A life that he didn’t want back then, but now everyone in his surroundings have. And the reason why I know he’ll feel that way is simply because firstly I know him better than anyone, and i’ve been him. I’ve acted in the exact same manner in my past and lived with regrets from it that I can never change. Things are really different when you have a wife and children. They are the biggest things you will do in your life,
On the up side, I’ve been inundated with messages, inboxes, calls, texts and smoke signals galore, from all of you sending me all kinds of wonderful support and it made me happy, as I didn’t sleep all night and I cried. I cried so hard that my own daughter looked at me,comforted me and Lord bless her heart did everything she could to make me smile. She looked up and said, ‘Did Daddy make you sad?’ I said ‘Yes.’ She replied with a ‘Don’t cry Mum, be tough. I can say YEP now and Theo Walker can be my boyfriend. Do you need a cuddle? Do you like Daddy Pete, coz he’s kind. Put your shoes on, lets go see him. You can come!’ lol
We both then went to bed, but i laid awake. I texted him this morning to tell him how sorry i was and how much i loved him and he ignored it. Infact, he told me never to contact him again, unless it concerned Junior. So in order for me tp talk to him, Junior has to be ill, sick or hurt. Ruby…he never once mentioned. So it doesn’t matter if she wants to talk to him.
Now, obviously throughout the last few months i’ve had to be in talks with lawyers for all sorts of reasons and now because he’s verbally told me not to contact him twice, I am now BY LAW not allowed to make any contact, because if i do, he could actually get me arrested for harassment, if he wanted. If this doesn’t get resolved and we end up down a more dodgy route…and i hope not..but he’s quite stubborn, so he’ll definitely let his pride lead the way foolishly…then getting arrested for anything will take away your baby rights.
So now i have a Baby Ruby glaring at the clock face saying that, ‘When the hand reaches the top, Daddy Keiran is going to come.’ I’ve already told her that he’s not coming and all she does is look at me and say, ‘Yes he is. He’s coming to see me soon.’ 🙁
It’s those things that men don’t think about. I mean i asked him to visit her this afternoon because it would mean the world to her and all he said was ‘NO. Don’t contact me again, unless it concerns my son.’ Then he hung up. That is my life. But i’m strong. I’ll weep, a bit then grow ten feet tall. I’m a decent person. Good things are ahead. I have what matters and that’s love, support, family, work, good friends and the children.
I opened the door, he slammed it in my face. His loss. Learn the hard way.
Anyway, tonight i’m having friends over and we’re champagne toasting in the cozy warmth and in the name of 2014. It’s Juniors first ever New Years eve so we’re ringing it in together, with posh snacks and drinks. I’m getting the house ready now.
I’m glad to have a lot of support and I thank you for it. I mean even Pete’s finishing work early to come and get Ruby to treat her to a day out to make her smile. I guess, he won’t let his daughter wait around for nothing or someone who doesn’t want to see her. He even bought Junior a walker to help him get his stroll on. This could be a strange little reversal of roles! Pete’s been quite there for Junior ever since his birth and he hasn’t even found it hard, even though the situation is obviously awkward. He’s helped me when I’m needed it, especially during the first departure of Keiran. He’s done nursery runs, pickups for Junior…all sorts. He believes the same as I, because we’ve been raised the same, which is that all children need a stable home, with a Mother and a full time father. He believes that because every child in his family has been adopted by his parents. He’s grateful for them because if they hadn’t cared, his life could’ve ended up really different. Instead of growing up being the son of a Doctor, and going to great schools, he would’ve grown up on a tough council estate with rowing parents.
I like both Keiran and Pete. And well they like each other. I still love Keiran and hope to work it all out, but he won’t, I’m sure. So i’ll just get through the heartbreak and man up. He’s still my husband and even though me being his wife doesn’t mean that much to him, i’m different to him, because I KNOW what divorces can be like. They are not worth it, when there’s still love. It’s a lot of pain and for no reason. All of this happening has also opened my eyes to how stable Pete actually was or is. But blah…blah..blah…you’ve heard it all.
I actually got an amazing message from one of my friends, who made me feel string again. I didn’t know that she had been going through sort of the same thing and feeling the same all the way through her pregnancy. She said that I inspired her, that I had been through worse, could get through it and that she had read my blog religiously throughout her whole pregnancy and it got her through everything. It made me smile and filled me with hope. She inspired ME right back. I gave her hope and she gifted it right back at me. The only kind of regifting that i enjoy.
She reminded me that I was talented and had things in the pipeline and a loving family all alongside it. She also said that if Keiran wanted to life the ‘boi’ lifestyle, that I should just let him because I’m not missing out of anything. I’ve given her strength and let her realize through blogs that she could do it on her own too and it has comforted her to know that there are other people going through the exact same thing, meaning it was great that I was so open about my troubles.
I’m feeling positive and because there really is nothing more I can do. I did everything I could, but at least now he is happy and doing things the way he always wished to be. x The thing i’m most sad about is the fact that i really wanted to go back to the forest this January, like we always do. That place means so much to me and it’s a place where we’re always happy as a family. I want everything to be good again. Now, I won’t beable to do the forest. 🙁
Question: Does all this make me single? I’ve been in relationships so long that I don’t know what a separation actually means?