It’s all got a bit panicky

I’m completely stressed. I’ve had a night of ‘no sleep’ due to ‘Baby Ruby’ believing that staying up until 5am, whilst hysterically screaming to the merry tune of ‘non-stop.’ I’m on my very last ‘trooper’ legs now and although i’m still waving and smiling…my wiggle has cretainly lost it’s ‘va voom.’ I’m not even exhausted. I’m beyond that. I’m in a haze of ‘bits and pieces.’ I feel as though i’ve been granted half an hours sleep, only to wake up immediately, have time to half groom and then venture off to Pontefract hospital to get my bambinos hearing test ticked off the ‘things to do’ check list. I sort of muddled my way through the bright new corridors of the new hospital, in a daze with a baby bottle in my hand and Loverboy to my left, holding Ruby in the portable car seat. We have a baby that attracts a great deal of attention..which we love. I mean she’s our pride and joy, so we have no problems celebrating her. However, all i remember from this morning is trying to get to the correct floor, at the correct time, for the correct test, with a really bad weave…whilst being stopped every so often by the merry morning folk of Pontefract, who wanted to congratulate us on our beautiful girly. (Who was wearing diamante socks and bear ears.) The outside me, was ever the entertainer. The inside me was kitty cat exhausted. I really do appreciate how kind everyone is being though. I feel a definite support of warmth from the masses. Like were being cheerled on and propped up when we’re at our weakest. Not everyone gets to recieve such love…so more than ever, i’m truely grateful.

Having a bambino is the most wonderful thing you could ever do. But like most wonderful things..it ain’t easy. Newborn’s really do test your inner strength. I feel as though i’ve unzipped myself from my exterior parcel of flesh almost 102 times, stepped out of my ‘being’ and pulled through that extra little bit of strength that you need in order to make it all work. It’s about being unbelievably selfless. Yet no matter how stressed I get. (And i am currently feeling much better now, that i’ve blogged it all out and had a visit from the midwife ‘Tracey’ about a minute ago.) When you feel like you can no longer take it anymore…you pick your tiny baby up and she just looks at you with her wide eyes of excitement and a smile that innocently radiates happiness, as her cry dies down to a giggle and you realize how worth it, it ALL is.  My baby Ruby is a gift from the kitty cat heavens…our miracle baby. I mean, she could’ve died at birth. But like her Mother…she troopered her way through and lived to tell the tale. I adore her.

I will say that in my weakest moment of ‘last legs’ yesterday evening. (Well it was 3am.) Pete really took his stance as a father. He really impressed me. For the first time ever, I watched him ‘hero’ his way with the baby and muscle through the entire evening with this Ultimate strength of ‘Daddio.’ He was amazing. Like some kind of irrepressable super dad. He certainly took the reins and well i was weirdly surprised. I’ve noticed that if I praise Pete on how wonderful a Father he is, he really champions forward with a indestructible confidence. The good thing about our relationship is the fact that we are a TEAM. When one of us is temporarily drowning…the other becomes ‘mighty’ and takes over the running of our world! It’s magical. I’m very very lucky.

I’m really glad that my panic is now over because OMG, I was all over the place. I had a stream of questions flooding my mind.  ‘How am I going to get all my work done? How am I going to finish off my book? Will it get easier? Am I a good mum? I just need help! ‘ I basically needed a ‘Time out.’ A moment to chill. I mean Pete’s been helpful now, yet in the earlier stages he was almost numb and found his Xbox more interesting. It’s been lovely…but hard.

Now, i’m all good. Well almost all good. I still need to *breathe* it out. I think I have it down and can handle it like a champion. People all over the world, go through this EVERYDAY and a lot of them do not have it as easy as Me. I’m manning up and strutting forward. I’m done with my pity party. Lol. I’m reaching for my leopard print heels and i’m soldiering on like a trooper! Chanel bag and baby in tow! Wish me luck.

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