So i just got home after probably the WORST.DAY.EVER. I always say if you leave your home in a certain fashion, the rest of the day follows suit. I was exhausted, half- full and pretty much tumbled through the rest of the day. UGH! I’m exhausted! I was so tired right from the start. I don’t even know how i got through the day with ONLY a few bruises and a paper cut.
Anyway, the make-up thing went terribly. I felt awful. I looked awful. I was 50% humiliated (which i’m used to) and well…just needed to be at home. (LOL) Cheery aren’t I! Firstly i was sat on a high stool, pre-glamour pussed and divine, waving at children and good old department store folk…who smelt like Chanel and had great taste in handbags. Then this lady…(i’ll call her ‘Whore’) wiped every last inch of ‘glam’ off my face (which is fine) and made me perch alone on my stool, like a lost soul, for a decent 15 minutes, whilst everyone stared and whispered. All i needed to finish off the look would be a heated fucking cart and a batch of egg rolls, that i’d be selling 2 for a fucking pound! Happy Days!
Then ‘Whore’ proceeds to ‘art’ all over my face. Long story short. I like tanned, bronzey, browns on my face. I ended up with chalky bright blues, clumpy pink and illuminous lips caked over my ‘money maker’ (my face, not vagina.) I might aswell of just reached for my clown suit and started to chased people with fake buckets of goddam water. I looked AWFUL…to the point where i spy my Mother (My own flesh & blood) in the crowd…who sees my face and starts PISSING herself LAUGHING! Literally in tears laughing at my sheer discomfort. If i’m not happy you can see it on my face! No matter how much my ‘fake smile’ is trying to fool you. The funny thing is, that i didnt even try and fake smile (hahaha…sorry i’m still actually pissing myself about it all.) I looked DISGUSTED at what had just happened to me. There’s this big ‘Da Daaaaa’ finish and ME, sitting there on my too high stool, looking like a slutty clown, with a face of sheer DESPAIR, and a left hand that’s waving on auto-pilot.
I got up. Did a few ‘Thankyou’s’ then legged it to the nearest toilet, with my sunglasses on, in a panic and having to pass teenagers who we’re all wanting pictures. I scrubbed it off, with dissolving toilet tissue and disappointingly had to hold my Mother up, who was still finding it the funniest thing she had ever seen. AWFUL! I then spent the rest of the day in my sunglasses and fur coat inside a shopping centre, looking like a Grand TIT. But not caring one bit, as it was far better than looking like the ‘hooker clown,’ who ate your young. I then…GOT MOBBED! Being tired, and in sunglasses makes these moments difficult. You can see them all coming at you, but it’s kinda like you’re drunk. I like it though. Sunglasses take the edge off it. (I need wine.)
It all went downhill from there really. When i was done with that, I got run over by a granny on wheels TWICE. Then elbowed out the way by a middle-aged floozey outside ‘Poundland.’ Had to walk around like i was either a celebrity or someone who has just been domestically violated by her rich husband. Then to top it all off, it rained and i tripped over my own foot into a small alley way, and FELL into a crunchy mess of rainbow coloured BROKEN GLASS!! I fell into the shattered hopes and ‘good times’ of others. I just looked up at my Mum, all giant sunglasses and fur coats, and said, ‘I need to go home.’ She LAUGHED and then after assuring me she was taking me home to safer shores, fucking TAKES ME to PC World (the worst place in the world ever) for 2 fucking HOURS!!! We come out with a laptop we didn’t even need and well…. i just need to get poked in the eye by a tramp to finish the day off!