I Don’t Get Down like That and Lesbians

Had a girl try to have sex with me last night. That’s why i’m up so early, (7.29am) simply because a fine  sense of ‘awkwardness,’ (a medium i usually flourish in) got the better of me. I guess, it’s one jolly thing, if it’s just some random hot girl that you don’t really know, who decides she wants a bit of lesbian sex. But when it’s a girl..i’ll call her ‘Fanny snacker’ that you’ve known for quite a dear dear while, who you didn’t actually know was a lesbian because you’re somewhat aquainted with her boyfriend, who you’ve recently found out was never her boyfriend..the story changes. (Don’t feel bad for making out with him now.)

Last night, ‘Fanny snacker’ (sounds like a cute childrens book for perverts) had nowhere to stay after getting trashed so drunk dialed me to see if i had ‘room at the Inn?’ I should’ve just said ‘No.’ But kindness got the better of me, (Please kindness is over rated) and before you know it, she’s half naked laying in my bed…even though i tried to make her sleep in the ‘spare.’ (Tyre not room.)

It’s quiet, it’s normal, she asks me about ‘Jonny’ then rolls over so she can talk ‘too close’ to my face. All i could smell was booze, which i quite liked (my ex-husband would always say he loved it when i smelt of ‘Liquor.’ It would turn him on. Weird really as not much else would? Bad joke.) Anyway, then she’s doing the girly, ‘I’ve always really loved you’ bullshit, starts to stroke my face, then attempts to go in for the kill. (Hahaha..) The infamous ‘Lean in..’ (We’ve all done it.’)

There was an odd yet hilarious moment of struggle and squealing. FUCKING hilarious might i add. At one point i felt like she was holding the back of my head, and KING KONG pushing it towards her, with her tongue slithering out, whilst i’m pushing as hard as i can AWAY from her now sloppy face and pissing myself laughing. She was literally forcing me to ‘love’ her. Isn’t that usually my job? And yeah i know i haven’t gotten felt up in a while, (Jonny and I have only had sex once) but if i’m gonna have sex with a girl (and i have done in the past, for boys, fun, or simply because curiousity had got the better of me) I’m gonna do it with someone a great deal…this is gonna sound bad, but HOTTER.

Anyway, we’re both in bed in our boobs and frilly knickers. It’s dark and she’s now telling all about her merry lesbian self. How she’s always been one, and how she’s sorry for trying to force herself upon me. I think she almost started crying. Now i’m not a sucker for a sad story..at all.  But i figured surely she wasn’t gonna have another go?? HOW WRONG i was!! FUCKING HELL! There was a moment of silence, a fart (not by me..but i kinda would have tried it just to get her away from me,) then a sheer crazy launch of what i’m going to class as a frightenning MOLESTATION of flub, (which i’ve gone through a million times with almost every one of my male LA friends..like when my friend Todd, tried to put his GIANT balls in my face, whilst pinning me down at the ‘Mondrian’, with me politely stating that this could be ‘borderline rape.’) OMG!!! ‘Fanny snacker’ just leapt ontop of me, and tried to hump me, against my will and tried to pull my knicker crackers down. She was like this mad fucking banshee warrior, with Orangutan boobs, who was determined to get hers.

I laughed my way through the struggle, and then got mad, as tiredness kicked in and she was going way too far.. I’m not really a force to be reckoned with once i’m not laughing at you anymore. I think i might have slapped her, (well i did hit her) tried to break her arm a little (oh the joys of friendship) and then tucked her (it does say’ Tucked’ her)  in and went to sleep… pissed off. Once she got naggy & desperate…i really couldn’t be arsed. I mean i do have empathy for her, as I HAVE been her, many a time with a couple poor dear boys before. But now i know how annoying I must have been… I’ll never do it again. (Lol) It’s like God sent me a lesson to learn, but parcelled in a drunk fat lesbian. Not even a ‘Lipstick.’ (Ghosts of Wunna’s past.)

Hope she leaves soon. Plus I promised I wouldn’t blog about it….Oopsie! If you don’t wanna appear in the blog, then don’t litter my life with stories of Grandeur. Plus, If you want to score ‘The Wunna,’ the best way is to NOT force yourself on Her or anyone really. (Lol.) Play it cool, keep it sexy, be loving, be ‘Oooh laa’ and don’t be a girl who tries to eat me out, when i clearly have a headache. Like i’ve said millions of times before…If i like you, i will always, ALWAYs make the first move. There’ s no shame in my game. (Winky Wink!)