I’d rather shag a bucket

So here we go, i’ve finally had time to write a wee blog. Unfortunately, i’m gonna have to do it with cat food smeared on my face, as a dear darling of a bastard, believes it’s quite funny to deliver the words ‘Here kitty kitty’ whilst rubbing a hand of ‘Felix-turkey in gravy’ kitten food upon my ‘money maker.’ (My face, incase you are wondering what i’m referring to. You evil sons of guns!)

Went on an adventure to Manchester this weekend, with a dude (from Facebook) who assured me he would show me a dandy old time in the city, so i could have a taste of what Manchester has to offer….other than slags and footballers. It started in Middlesbrough, (i love how my adventure to Manchester starts in a whole different town) where i watched the Man U/Middlesbrough game and become a footie hooligan (with a boob job) for a good wee while. I’m a ‘watch a football match live’ virgin, so it was kinda scary, for a floozy who’s really not too scared of anything, but hip hop midgets with large willies. (I swear if i get dry humped by one again, i’m just gonna fucking knee it in the face and call it ‘bastard!’)

The football match was actually AMAZING! I loved it. I really got into it and went dressed like a hooker. It was just a massive bundle of drunk sweaty men, screaming, chanting and yelling, whilst throwing bottles of beer all over each other (Quite homo- erotic actually,) swearing, looking at my boobies and cheering on their team. The stadium was smaller than expected, and the pitch was tiny. Like on TV they glamourize it sooo much. As really it’s just a bunch of boys who get paid loads, on a little pitch kicking a ball around. It just seemed so normal…and a lot less flashy. The best thing about it was the fact that i gave it my all! The atmoshpere was AMAZING. I hooted, i hollered, i waved my boobied self in the air… I chanted, i cheered and i swore like a fucking sailor on Smirnoff Ice. I can’t actually remember any of the chants, except one that sounded like ‘Agadoo,’ one that was racist and one that was going on about ‘rather shagging a bucket with a big whole it in??‘ YES!! LOVED it! Very different to my usual glamourous life, but i got loads of delicious attention. Thank god i went dressed as a whore! I’m now addicted to Football. FUCK YEAH!

Ended up out in Manchester that night, with a bunch of funny boys, who although odd, we’re pretty decent actually. One looked like Robin Hood and had tourettes, the other was a kind of London suave, another kept looking like he was about to smash someone in the face, (because drunk slags) kept bashing into him and the final suitor commited to trying to get me drunk so he could make me ‘put out. ‘(It didn’t work. I guess i’m a lot more frigid then i ever thought! I’m turning into a bit of a hard pull now. Oh stop the booing. There’s still a slag in me somewhere.) All the boys were amazing. I actually do love them.

So I ventured to Panacea, Circle and then 235 Casino. It was fun..but i did get a bit tired. I’m like a sorry excuse for a socialite. It was 5 am or something random like that, and i remember this weird old, geeky looking guy in a suit, who thought he was ‘Arthur Fonzirelli’ but looked like a news reporter or a paedophile. He wafted a £400 cheque in my face, and suggested a night of passion…or a ‘nosh off.’ When he was brutally shunned  (i was too tired to get felt up,) he FARTED and walked off. He did this twice. Hilarious. When i grow up i want to be him.

Apparently lots of the gals in Manchester (according to most people i spoke too) only go out to try and snag a footballer and see every other girl as a ‘threat’ and won’t speak to a normal boy, unless he is super rich or can get them nearer to their goal of being a WAG.  So funny! I’m really not that kinda of girl, as i’m far too much of a useless, egotistical Glamour Puss, to care about being a WAG. I’m the Queen of Greatness. What matters to me are ‘good times.’ I’ve made myself. I don’t really need a dashing suitor to fumble his way into my life right now. This bitch is gooooood and i’m flying it ‘Solo.’ (Girls, you do not need a man to pay your way, or make you Famous. You can do it on your OWN!! You just have to believe it, know it and DO it. Or give really good blow jobs, to all the right people.)

Anyway left the Casino at about 5am. It rained all over me. I went straight to bed in boy shorts and a training vest. The ‘boy’ tried to have sex with me, (as always) but i slept in the spare room. Woke up, intended to go home, instead ended up at ‘Dukes’ this bar restaurant, that has a massive outside patio, with live music. I had pizza, hung out with the same glorious boys from the night before, who although are a bit bitter about ‘Love’…CRACK ME up. We ordered food and talked about fisting, slags, the fisting of slags in Salford, fingers up girls anal holes, blowjobs, hiding from the Paprazzi, holidays and stealing Gucci knickers. I got on a train, after i lost my sight and travelled all the way home, with another bunch of drunk boys on the train who insisted on telling everyone on the train that they loved my ‘rack.’ They even tried to make them sip Strongbow. My boobies are flirts. They just giggled in my shirt.

I’m now exhautsed, and still on the go. I’ve spent the whole of the day out and about, with a life sized Robot. (Don’t ask.) My life is hotting up, but i don’t think i can handle it.

16 thoughts on “I’d rather shag a bucket”

  1. Hey, you shouldve stayed. George sampson was around. My cousins were playing football with him for 2hrs at the soccerdome! Lmao!

    Reply
  2. glad to hear you had fun and to know you’ll never change,you’d be bored in my area lol,like i said,i don’t drink and I’m not sure you’d like me drunk,when drunk all i do is feel up hot women lol

    Reply
  3. You’re an original, an individual, a masterpiece. Celebrate that; don’t let your uniqueness make you shy. Don’t be someone other than the wonder you are. Every star is important to the sky.

    Reply
  4. Danyal- OMG i would’ve been far too exhausted to chase my 15 year old crush. God i fancy him. However, the all the talk of ‘fisting’ might have made him run away in fear. You on the otherhand, will get to see me shortly!!

    Perry- Hookers rock

    Patrick- You feel up hot women? I thought you drank milk in strip clubs?

    Reply
  5. Too tired to get felt up?!?!
    WHO ARE YOU?!
    WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY LOVER?!?!
    YOU’VE CHAAAAAAANGED!!! *points finger* (not there before you get excited!)

    Reply
  6. i used to feel up hot women back when i still drank in clubs,with the end of alcohol also came the end of feeling up hot women,except strippers,in my area it’s $10 a dance and you can feel up/touch the stripper everywhere except the genitals,unless the stripper is inclined to bend the rules,which they often do and then some,by the way,they strip totally naked except they keep the g-string on,if you want the stripper completely naked the dance will cost you $20,if you want more than a simple dance that d epends again on the stripper and how far she’s willing to go but i guess it’s like that in strip clubs all over the world right?,i haven’t traveled the world much lol

    Reply
  7. Girl you better pick up yo phone!!!! Ner ner ner ner ner I got a txt!!
    I KILL YOU!!!

    I actually have the whole bloody advert in my head because of YOU!! Now get back up Mancs, tell him you had no idea what you was thinking and you’d gladly have a nosh if he shows the dosh!! (lyric time)

    Reply
  8. We are one and the same! And that’s why we’re lovers for life!!!

    Disclaimer : Adam cannot be held responsible for not being able to get it up at the sight of a, um, “flower”…

    Reply
  9. yep,$10 for a feel up that lasts the time a song lasts while she dances to it slow and sexy,i spent many a $10 to feel some of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen in my life that would otherwise never give me the time of day,i thank God for those opportunities,isn’t life grand?!

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  10. Are they hotter than you??,how would that be possible??,that question doesn’t even apply,it’s inconceivable

    Reply
  11. Hunni… we’ve spoke about this – only Adam comes with a Disclaimer… you can have you’re own Parental Guidance though… =P

    Reply

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