I Said ‘ONE’ Drink December 11, 2009 by Chrissie So you know you’re gonna have a good night when you walk into a bra…bra? I mean bar! (But yeah that too) And within 4 minutes of you being there, people are throwing things at you. Haha…I’m not kidding. I walked into the ‘Black Cap’ in camden with Jonny, (we’re friends again so we’re hanging out a lot) who promised me it was a ONE drink night, but ofcourse it ended up being a 3am hometime. (I’m a good time gal. It’s my weakness.) Anyway i merrily strutted in, armed with boobies, stiletto boots and *sizzle.* Got to the bar..and someone tried to throw a bottle at me. (Haha…Oh the lofty heights of Glamour pussing.) Then a gentleman to my right, decided he would defend my honour by shouting ‘Throw a bottle at that bitch!’ (The ‘Bitch’ being me.)I mean we just pissed ourselves, ran out to the patio and well then the night began. GREAT night actually. Infact, i was so trashed that i’ll have to skim it for you…simply because wine & madness stole my memories. I feel like so much went on. But on a more serious note, I actually got to know Jonny a whole lot better…we talked a lot. I mean it fucking shocked me…but whatever i love it. Yeah, i’m starting to feel a lot more comfortable. We’re not fighting at all now?? We have a great deal in common and want the same things in life. ‘Fifty Dolla, sucky, sucky’…not sure where that came from? Anyway, that night, and note we were pissed, we met an old aged Tranny named ‘Deborah’ who walked around in beige and wouldn’t let Jonny touch her. I think she thought she was being all lady like…but let me tell you, being a girl, is about enjoying what you got and flaunting it. I sure as hell do. I’ve got nothing to be ashamed off under my shirt. (Wink wink.) ‘Deborah’ is frigid folks. I hate frigid trannies. Then we met a a bunch of gays, some who spoke english, some who watched the Hilton show, some with no teeth, and some older dude, that had the same hairdo as Jonny. They had identical hair but we’re BOTH in denial about it. It was like Jonny was having a convo with his ‘future.’ LOL. I then tried to teach Drag Queens the ‘stool dance’..where you do you’re cabaret, leg on stool, slut moves….but the ‘Queens’ we’re far too hefty for such a delicate art of seduction. It was messy. Then Jonny and I did ‘ The Robot’ at each other aggressively and found it far tooo funny..even if it wasn’t. My mian concern is, if I’M finding myself funny. Met a lady who is the celeb co-ordinater for OK mag, in nothing but the fur of wolves and i know i’m a faux fur girl, but i’m gonna tell ya…that shit felt good. Then i met a comedian, who she ‘wanted,’ whilst my hair was attached to a bush, and promised him i would destroy his reputation (hahaha…over a blog.) I think his name was ‘Jay’ and he’s doing a ‘Live at the Apollo.’ I can’t remember whether he was funny or not, but he liked my tits and gave ‘Jonny’ a pat on the back for once managing to pull me. (Jonny’s like soo stud now…all the chicks want a piece, they writhe around him with their hearts all a flutter. But all the boys love The Wunna…so i feel dandy. Girls…you’ll have to get through ME first. Haha..) I keep getting flashbacks of him in the girls loos trying to ‘pull’ and Me in the mens loos getting raped by an ugly bartender..who i stomped on. Eww he was gross and about 4 ft tall. It reminded me of getting felt up by that midget in LA. He tried to lock me in a bathroom. Lots of drinking, lots of dancing. I had a lot of boys a calling my phone. (I apologize, if you now hate me.) Met some oriental chick with blond hair who talked too close to my face, a hen do, a whole bunch of lesbians and an actual GRANDAD…like he was 80 and wouldn’t give his jumper up. THEN comes the big fat, pink haired DYKE from hell, in sequins, who had 10 kids, all of them put in care, youngest being 1 and a half…so you’d think she’d be a bit upset by this, but NOoooo…she want’s to show me how long her pierced fucking tongue is and tell me that she wants my CLIT! I was actually terrified and she didn’t half smell of a ‘Butch grannies crotch.‘ No joke. Awful! I mean, how are you a lesbian if you have TEN kids? And HOW are they ALL IN CARE! Hahah….like you didn’t get to keep one, even?? I’m hilariously confused. Then my surroundings we’re littered with Indie looking chicks who all wanted to score ‘Taylor’ and HATED me. There’s no point in you hating me…innit. Haha…Work on what’s ‘hot’ about you…and men will fall at your merry feet. Plus…i can be a major bitch if i really truely want to. 🙂 Lots more jiggery pokery…really drunk…loved Jon jon…had a blast…talked about love, life, sex, bleeding, mistakes, met a fun gay..which i love. Wrongly gave my number out to everyone…who are now texting me saying ‘Thankyou.’ I got one off ‘Jeff’ saying ‘..thanks for everything.’ Which is fine…if you know a ‘Jeff.’ haha…i’m an idiot! I wonder what i did? The pub had turned into a club, and we’d done shots. Then we all were being tossed out into the streets…all of this is a blurr for me. But i remember the big pink haired lesbian being outside, propping up the ‘Black Cap.’ I was talking to some nasty leather studded man. (God i hope none of them read my blog… hahaha.) And then i’m not sure what happened, but ‘Jonny’ who’s 98% trashed, turns around and decides to defend the honour of every mistreated child in the world ever, and yell at the Dyke for being an UNFIT Mother. He went to town on her. OMG! Haha…Well she just bursts into tears, out of nowhere, after doing more ‘tongue actions’ at me and hysterically has a breakdown over it. I remember Jonny looking at me, like he’d just done something really naughty, then ridding himself of guilt in 3 seconds flat, pissing himself, then deciding to film her breakdown. It was actually hilarious and awkward. He did try and comfort her and give her a peck on the cheek, but because she was ‘smelly’ he couldn’t. Great night, got into loads fights in chicken shops, had people manhandle my boobies without permission, i have party scars…Americans gave Jonny money for hotdogs, and told me about LA..it was about 3.30am, we walked home merrily. Another ace night. I then woke up, still drunk and had to walk my boobs to NUTs magazine. I think we’re alcoholics? Moral of this tale: If you think your life is bad…know that people have it a whole lot worst. Pink haired ’10 kids in care’ much dyke? I’m just a feisty pisshead, with a sexy dispositon. I could have only 5 kids in care…and still be doing better than her. Merry Christmas!