So…after I had had my breather yesterday and blogged out in the open, I drive home feeling much better and ready to tackle the problem Keiran and I were having with a whole heart and an open mind.
I stop off at the Co-op to buy Baby Junior a couple more nappies and as I park up I notice that I had a text. A text from Keiran. I’m assuming that it would just be an ‘i’m sorry, lets make this better’ text, as that’s what any normal human being would do. But now, he sends me this:
‘Hey, hope you’re okay. I’m really sorry for everything we have been through in our entire relationship and doing what I have done has been the hardest thing for me to do. I don’t want you to be shocked when you get home which is why I am telling you now that I have moved out. I hope we can be amicable for the kids sake and that we can be friends. I want to be a part of the kids life as much as you will allow me to be. I hope we can sit down and talk about where we go in the future. ‘
It’s like it was even written by someone else. He doesn’t talk to me like that. So, I read it and re-read it and my entire body started to shake and as I sat in my car, in the parking lot of the supermarket i burst into tears. It was just one of those awfully pathetic moments where you feel like you trusted a boy to love you and he didn’t anymore. I’ve done this cry on almost every continent. Yet i didn’t expect to be doing it at 32 and I didn’t expect to be stupid enough to let this happen to me. To me, (and i’ve discussed this with him just now, where he begs to differ) he had ended our entire marriage, walked out on his family and left us and what hurt me the most in that moment was the fact that he did it via TEXT. Like he didn’t even see me being WORTH a sit down conversation. Like I was simply nothing to him. A TEXT. Like I was some cheap one night stand that he needed to get rid off. Would you ever, EVER do something like that to your wife, and only send them a text. That hurt me so much that I didn’t speak to him. I said nothing. I ignored his calls. I suddenly realized how much i actually meant to him…which was not much. I mean, I showed people this text and they were astonished that that was the manner that he deemed fit to end it all. Or even just move out. I wasn’t worth a conversation and that’s how low he regarded me as a person. It was bad form and my good friend (well a lot of them) pieced me back together, as I cried in a baby Asian heap. All I could think of was how stupid I had been to have trusted him to be my ‘hero’ and all they kept saying was ‘you’re not stupid, you’re trusting and you’re meant to trust your husband with your heart…he’s a bell end.’ Like whoever gave him that advice to text is an idiot and obviously doesn’t know me very well because when it comes to things like that courtesy means everything to me. I mean with Michael (my first husband) I cut myself away from him when he began to be of bad form. ..and even HE wouldn’t have ended it or moved out via a text message. My guy friend said that it sort of made him look like a coward.
I didn’t buy nappies. I couldn’t handle it. I went home, saw that he had moved everything out breathed and then did the nursery run. The next thing that hit me after being upset that I was only worth a text, was the fact that he walked out on his son and my daughter. I was shocked that he had the audacity to do that…yet because i was only worth a text, i sort of felt as though it was expected and that I had completely missed judged him. Had it all been a game to him? Did he even really care? If so, then he was no role model to my little girl or my little son and if i wouldn’t want him around them. I mean, he didn’t care to ask how they were the entire time he was away. He didn’t even break one heart, he broke two. My daughter had been waiting the entire time when he was away for him to come back home. Her world depended on it. I told her that he was doing his last festival and that he would then be back home from work…and at that point after no concern for the children anyway, whilst he was gone. He moved out. He broke two hearts, with one text. Breaking my heart is fine. I’m a big girl. Breaking hers is not fine with me. She came home she saw, she knew, she asked..and i told her the truth. She actually was fine after that and never asked about him again. She played and played and played. There was even a moment where I broke down and my tiny little two year old ran to the bathroom, got some tissue, handed it to me and said, ‘Don’t cry mummy. I love you. I give you a cuddle.’ 🙁 Awwwwww.
So, a lot broke down due to that text and probably more than he expected or wanted…as he obviously thought that texting without a face to face conversation was the right thing to do. What was he thinking!! It’s not even what he did. It’s the way he did it that upset me and it hurt me more than anything because it showed me how little he regarded me. So advice to all men, you DO NOT EVER send your wife a text like that and think it is appropriate. When you have a problem, even if you want to move out, end the relationship or whatever it is that you needed or wanted to do…you tell her via an act of decency…especially if she is the mother to your children.
He wants all of this to be all amicable because that’s how Pete and I are. Pete has never hurt me like Keiran has. Never called me a name. Never broken my daughters heart. That’s why we are amicable. We respect one another. Keiran has done this the exact wrong way and to be fair I don’t actually think he meant it to turn into such a big thing that it would offend me, to the point where it would all now back fire and go dodgy from this way forward. He just wanted to make a point…and have his space. Which is fine. But because of the way he did it and the way he informed me…and because of Ruby…it’s all gone a bit too far the wrong way now, that’s it’s going to take a lot for me to mend this. The point is fine. Space is fine. Moving out is fine. But the proper way to have done it is to have just told me that it was happening instead of sneakily doing a runner and sending me a text. I mean,he didn’t even hold his son, or say bye to my daughter before he went. When there’s children that are knowledgeable like Ruby you need to explain these things to them, in order to make things okay in their heads. That’s how Pete and I did it with Ruby, as she got older. He didn’t just disappear. Everything was done very carefully.
Anyway, i’m rambling on. He’s gone. He’s moved out. I ignored him. He called and texted. I called him this morning. He was sort of in a state of shock that I would actually be upset, this was meant to be about him and about him proving his point and getting away to feel himself again. I guess he didn’t realize what he had caused as an after effect. I told him that i was worth a conversation and that ending our entire marriage via a text was poor. He didn’t even realize that that’s how I would read the text because he claims that he didn’t at all end anything. He didn’t even know that i would read it that way and feel as upset as I am. I mean he even had it ‘okayed’ by people. I mean, what people with an inch of decency or class would ever say that that would be an okay way of doing things and that when I read it I wouldn’t think that he had ended our marriage. NO-ONE. Only people that wouldn’t want him to be with me. I’ve showed people that text and not one person who read it thought it was okay. They were shocked that he had it in him to be (as they put it….’such a prick.’) I’ve gotten really caught up on the manners side of it haven’t I and the Ruby side of it all. (But I can handle the Ruby side of it all because i’m Mummy.)
I would have granted him space and time. I need space and time. I understand wanting to move out and feeling suffocated. That would’ve been fine with me. What I didn’t like was the way he measured me as a person. All men have to do is love, protect and provide. If i was a guy…I wouldn’t find that hard.
Aside from the manners and Ruby, the only other thing that upset me was the fact that HE PLANNED IT. He knew he was going to do it. He knew where he was going, what he had to do. He had planned it WITH PEOPLE. He knew where he was going to put his stuff. He moved his old car. He had everything planned beforehand and every intention of doing it that way without me knowing. The whole time he was planning it, he didn’t even think I was worth being told. He even told other people before he told his wife. He was poorly advised because his manner has rubbed me up the wrong way and from what I know of him…he wouldn’t have ever wanted to hurt me. Yet now…and because of the whole pre-planning, behind my back sneakiness…he has. All he had to do was say that he wanted to leave. That’s not how you do things to people who you want to have in your life forever. That’s not what you do when you have a family. It showed me a very different side to him and it showed me his commitment, as a man, to us.
So, i’ve had a conversation with him over the phone, not face to face and it’s all gone a bit further than he wanted. I don’t think that he quite understood how much i would be offended by him texting, as he truly and weirdly thought he was doing the right thing? My little children and I are worth more than that and he can discuss whatever problem he has, with whoever else he wants…because they will never have the right answer and they will never have the right answer because they don’t love my children the way I do.
He said today that he knew i would use ‘the children’ line on him and against him. Against him? Who has told him that any of this is okay behaviour when you’re a father!! I’ve been a lot of things, but i have ALWAYS been a good Mother and made correct choices for my children. This isn’t using anything against anyone. If you pull a disappearing act on your newborn, wife and daughter and they don’t know where you are, why you’ve gone and you haven’t told them…and you still haven’t told them even now, then the basic fact is that you have abandoned them. It’s fact, not game playing. Where is he even? I couldn’t even tell you and I couldn’t even tell you because he doesn’t even think that we are worthy of knowing. And he wants me to not be offended and to believe that he cares about us. How can a WIFE not know where her own husband resides How can you leave your wife and home and not sit down and TELL HER, when you knew were going to do it all along.
THEN, like the idiot that I am. I sat there crying with my 2 year old…and I find out that he’s been…I don’t know? Like playing golf with some chick behind my back or something? Like flirting with her or something? I don’t know?But it’s all too much for me. He can go mend, heal, do yoga, sing hymns to himself or whatever, for however long he wants…if he doesn’t think i’m right for him then that’s his loss. It doesn’t mean that i need to be sat waiting around for him in the meantime. I think he accidentally misjudged the consequences of his actions because all he wanted was to have space, get better, move out, be heard and prove a point. Yet because of the way he has done things…it’s accidentally reflected a different point, which has affected his marriage and his family in a way that he didn’t necessarily mean or want.
So, today we are meeting to discuss things…which is what he should’ve done before he planned his runaway. Things would’ve been okay then. I was worth a conversation.