This day will go down in HISTORY! My Hair Extention appointment got postponed, so i had 4 hours to entertain myself. Sends a tingle down my spine…bring it ON baby! Oooh the excitiement!! Makes me want to ease down my knick-knacks and rub ‘Her Majesty’ on a near by satin pillow. (Haha..not even joking!)
So, armed with a low-fat latte, i get tugged by this horny man, who insists i play with his ‘Wand’ in the middle of a shopping centre. He had burn marks all over his hands, and apparently lived on my street in LA. The ‘Wand’ is a hair curler, and he needed Me as his demonstration dummy..for the masses. He was sticking this ‘Wand’ through my hair and rubbing his trouser snake up against my back, whilst saying ‘I’m not gay. I have very big hands.’ (I love big hands..haha.) To be honest it was kind of a turn on. I love people stroking my hair. Sexy!! Unfortunately, I refused to purchase his ‘Wand’ (I just used him for his hair curling abilities. Ha!) But he gave me it for FREEEEEEE anyway. He said he LOVED my ‘work.’ I love this whole, ‘being hit on, then getting free stuff’ due to my ‘work’ malarky!! SUPERSTAR!! Oooh the stares! Made my juices flow!! Gimme! Gimme! Now i can get my hair did for free all the time, provided i mention his ‘Wand!’ How odd?
Anyway, I’ll skim it…Here we go! Bought a bunch of Christmas Cards, got asked what a ‘Cuboid’ was whilst i was purchasing Christmas cards. Ended up having my picture taken with the manager, (So bizarre..i love it), got a fluffy birthday cake hat (hahaha)…for FREEEEE! Just keeps getting better. How funnny! Thought i’d be hilarious and go into 2 different Butchers and ask for ‘ a nice bit of Rump Steak.’ Don’t know why i found this funny…but i did??? It was just the butchers face!! Then i’d ask the butcher to’tenderize’ my ‘RUMP’. He told my chest ‘ANY time!!!’ (hahaha) I love my boobs and they were out and working today!!!! It was ‘Big juicy sausages’ in the second Butchers. Priceless! I kept politely asking for them to be ‘about 8 thick inches!!’ (A round of applause please!) I got a few winks, and then he asked if he could have a peek!! (In my chest!) Classic! I grabbed my cumberland, my dignity and with a ‘Maybe next time’ strutted off into the distance…all ‘T’ and ‘A.’ Cracks me up! Especially because on the way out, i got asked to ‘drain’ someones chestnuts!’ (hahahahahah) Do they not know how funny they are????
Later i found myself buying a keyring, that with a push of a button shouted ‘Carry On’ phrases!! What!! Best thing EVER! So whilst i purchased silver/diamond bling for my ‘getting here soon’ Kittens (tags that say ‘V.I.P’/’Pussy’/’Cute’)…i kept lunging behind hot boys in the store and pressing my ‘Ooooooh Matron’ button..followed by a ‘Ding Dong, Carrrrrrrry On!’ (Greatness!!!) Everyone was pissing themselves!! But i fell into cheap wrapping paper, mid lung-Carry On phrase ‘Get it out’…so my moment ended, as the ‘pissing themselves’..turned into ‘pissing themselves AT ME.’ Hilarious! I was covered in glitter, baubles and sheer shame!! Even my slutty lingerie fell out my bag…mid fall. It was all red and leopard print. God, i’m a skank! Delicious! I love it! Spank me, you’ll thank me!! ‘Oooh La laaaaaaaaa!’
Finally, i ended up being given thick jellied nipple pads, that were all fleshy coloured, squidgey and in the shape of lips. Oddest things?? I have them on now. It’s like having gold fish lips, stuck on the end of your ‘tee tee’s.’ I don’t quite understand them? I know that boys are supposed to kiss you there, and i’ve had many take a suckle, ( and i’m not afraid to say I ADORE it,) but if you ask me it’s very dangerous to have fucking ‘looks like real’ lips on the ends of your nips! The lips are massive too! All i keep thinking is drunken men, ‘beer goggles,’ and me naked with 3 sets of lips??? It could get very confusing??? Especially if i drew eyes on my boobs!! (hahahah) Then i saw Santa going for a pee, followed by his trusty ‘pissed off’ Elf, and my hair got extended to the soothing sounds of ‘Christmas.’