So last night was full of magic, tv, kitten stroking and much needed alone time. I’m really loving alone time right now, because i get to do whatever i want, whenever i want. Not that i don’t anyway? Yet, when i’m with people, i very much know that i am partially ‘on show.’ Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE being ‘on show.’ Yet sometimes a kitten, just needs her own space of luxury. I’m waving the flag for independancy and have been doing since i was 3. I wanted to stay at preschool and party even after it closed. My Mother..(well childminder, as my Mother was always working) had to DRAG me out of there, kicking and screaming. I wanted to continue getting my *wiggle* on, by the building blocks, with my pigtails, frilly socks, and *wink* factor. Apparently even at that age, i would make the nursery lady, fill my plastic cup only a quarter full of orange squash. I’d then carefully sip it like it was gin and pretend my ‘Party ring’ biscuits were some kind of delicious french finger food handed out to only the A-list of social stardom.
I was a ‘HIT’ at preschool, yet no-one knew why i had slanty eyes? I remember always getting yelled at because i was still using my baby’s bottle. I loved that thing with a passion..and it kinda gave me a skill that would come in handy much later on in life. 😉
Preschool rocked, because everyone wanted to play with me. However, after my ginned up orange squash, and french finger food, Party ring biscuits, they would rather unglamourously make us all march out into the back garden, in single file and pretend we were frogs, mid-sing-a-long. I despised this, as my shyness got the better of me. I was a Queen, not a frog, and having to go through verses of ‘Four little speckled frogs’ was almost pretty devastating. Did she not see my socks? They were on legs, that were to be pictured for magazines in the future and worshipped by over horned males, across the entire globe. They CERTAINLY weren’t created to be squatted and bent towards my ears, whilst i croaked like a frog to pass the time of childhood. (Well maybe at some point in my twenties and in Hollywood, I hit the same position. But that was well worth the pain and probably got me a few free dinners. I remember getting taken out on so many dates, during that time of my life. That i actually, by the age of 24 was completely and utterly SICK to DEATH of lobster and champagne dinners. Bouji much! I have loved my life! 😉 I never knew why guys always wanted to wine me and dine me? But i never questioned it. I learnt that i was a girl, and a feminine one at that. I embraced all things lady like and wonderous. It’s just part of life, i guess? Men WILL want to take you out to dinners, if you flaunt your femininity and when you’re a girl, what else can you do! Don’t hide behind the fear of being noticed. Be noticed and do it well! When you’re a girl, you will get away with it a GREAT deal MORE!
Don’t listen to the men that hate on women like that and simply because they’re just jealous that they can’t slip into a tiny dress and strut from one side of the room, to the other and end up with 20 free drinks, 14 phone numbers, and 4 proposals of marriage in their hands. They have to do the catching, the pulling, the good old jiggery pokery…so life isn’t as easy for them. You’re a lot more powerful than you think you are chicks! Remember that! (Or forever be buying microwave meals for one.)
Anyway, today when i woke up, 26 years on from preschool, i felt half dodgey, but much much better than i did yesterday. It took me a while to beable to make myself get up, due to my sickness, yet after a good old *Wiggle-wink & hair-toss* i was right as rain, (even though i feel rain is hardly right) and ready to take on my weekend.
I don’t know what got into me, but something must have warped my brain, as i began to be under the misconception that i was some sort of domestic goddess? I am not kidding, i have flipping scrubbed the floors, washed the dishes, tumbled dried the clothes, cleaned out the cat litter, posed, pouted and leapt…and all in an hour! It was like i was on crack. (Which as we all know, is whack. No Whitney! No!) I mean, if you had been infront of me for more than a second too long, you would’ve got a jolly old scrub down to! I don’t know what’s wrong with me? And why do i want Ivana Trump to be my slave?
Anyway, like i said, all was well, i had a smile on my face, a glint in my eye. I was curling my hair with one hand and yabbering on the phone in the other. (Bbm’ed bantered with Mark Byron this morning. I miss him and his McParty ways. They were all out in Liverpool last night. Rodrigo included and well the fact that his ‘eyese went rotten’ means they had a good night. Woohoo! Sight is over-rated. If you have tons of friends, you don’t need to beable to see. They will foolishly guide you, through your horrific evening of ‘party party’…and they’ll be doing it blind also. It’s a ‘win/win’ really. (Well if ‘win/win’ means ‘lose/lose.’) Which reminds me, i need to go to Specsavers. I’ve run out of contact lenses. I hate going because it always takes them donkey’s years to find my file. It’s ‘Wunna’...not ‘Warner.’ Yes, I’m blind, not bitchy.
Since the day had been going so well, i thought i’d treat my pretty self to a rest. So I sauntered upstairs to have a lay down (being a glamour puss AND a domestic goddess, is exhausting.) I look at my phone, which i had accidentally left by the bed, and notcied that i had 3 missed calls from Pete. One of the calls he had dialled as an ‘Unknown’ which i find hilariously random. If i don’t answer the first time, he always thinks i’m about to do a runner and i’m avoiding him. I always ask him why he called ‘unknown’ and he always lies every time. LOL. It’s funny.
I call him back, and he’s straight in with the ‘House hunting’ news. Like i said before, i hate house hunting and the sheer fear of the commitment, gets to me. It terrifies me and makes me feel all pressured, rushed, pushed and forced. Whenever, i’ve moved in with guys before it’s ended pretty badly. Depp downinside of me, there must be some kind of emotional pain or fear, that makes me *tantrum* whenever he begins his desent on that particualr subject. i can feel it coming on and i begin to panic. I mean, i’ve been through some really hard times with boys, in the past and it’s something that he doesn’t realize. Add commitment phobe to that, and you have a problem. I’m going through a lot right now, with the book, my LA drama, my family being away, my ‘thing-a-ling’ and my relationship. It’s just a highly emotional time and after a stint in London where i felt emotionally used and battered, that i finally sort of feel safe, after years of being a solo, ballsy adventurer.
That safeness, is with my family. I can be a little girl again. I have a soft place to fall. I lived as an adult, all my life…yet the problem being that i was only a child, my mother missed my life for a whole decade. Life has gieven me a good old beat down, from left to right, then up to down. But i’m happy, i’m here, i survived it and i’ve got a smile on my face, a virgin cocktail and a banner than read *success.* I mean some of the things i’ve seen and experienced in life, (all of it in Hollywood) are things Pete could only imagine in movies. I was there living it first hand and yeah, it wasn’t always easy, but i loved every moment of the tale. However, good or bad it was…i muscled through boldy creating a reputation that only a floozey like me would be proud of. lol.
Pete answers, and pretty much tells me he’s found the house he wants us to move into and he’s on his way to get the paperwork. I am to fill it in immediately (it was currently about 11.20pm) and i had to kind of do it now, if i wanted because the estate agents needed our forms in my 12 noon. If they didn’t get our forms by then, it would be bad, ebcause his Mum says that we need to jump on it whilst we can and before anyone else gets it.
Nothing like pressure. I immediately felt warm, terrified, under force and not happy. I tried to explain myself, but it just ended up in tears. I’m hormonal right now, i’m crying at everything. It’s hilarious, but messy. Whenever he brings it up, i get this way and i dont’ know why? I think it’s because i’m making far too many solid commitments and fast. Or it could be the fact that feel ganged up on, or *pushed.* I don’t know?
After a life of living on impulse, i’ve finally learnt to take my time with things. That has taken me ten years to learn! petelikes to act quickly because he doesn’t want me to change my mind about him or our deal for ‘ forever.’ It’s causing drama, because the pressure of the house hunt is the only thing shovelling a line bewteen us. I want to move in with him, i want to be with him, i just don’t like the *force* of it.
He’s in a difficult position to, as his parents are quite eager for him to move out, (as he was techniclly only meant o be staying there for a couple weeks until he found a new place, after a break up.) I’m in a difficult position because my parents want to hold on to me for as long as they can. I’ve lived away from home (and i’m talking in a different country) all my entire life…and well the fact that i’m home, means so much to my mum, it’s almost her world.
I’m meant to be showering, changing and grooming, right now. Yet because i was so stressed, I instead opted for blogging and tweeting. It’s weird how in moments of dire straits, i find myself emptying out my confusion in cyberland. It calms me. It woos me. My blog is something that i trust. I find it easier to share my thoughts with all of you, than i do with the people i actually have around me sometimes. That’s weird right? I mean, i’m an expressive girl. I have no problems telling anyone what i think of them or their merry ways. But just recently, i’ve needed my blog more than ever ans simply to destress.
I don’t know what’s wrong, but i do know i need to pamper. I need mind space and to feel free of the nitter natter that’s going on in my head. I need wind to my skin, and air to my flair. I need to breathe. What i need is my mum! Her being away has really shocked my system. You don’t realize how important someone is to you, until they are gone. She has been the strongest influence in my life. My closest friend and i just miss her being around me. (She’s ony gone on holiday and i’m ating like she’s dead. lol)
My *Thing-a-ling*has really put emphasis on how important a ‘Mother’ role is in anyones life and she’s the only person that truely knows what i’m going through without me having to say anything. I need to stop before i have another tragic *kleenex*moment. lmao
Right…i’m gonna get back to showering, grooming and meeting my ‘Handsome’ for a Saturday of ‘love.’ I hope we don’t argue because that’s the last thing i need right now. I can hear my tumble dryer beeping. I wish you could throw everything in there and give it a quick spin whenever it annoyed you. Infact, maybe you can? I want cake.