‘Hum on it’ & Chocolate Vaginas

I have an itchy cleavage and have just this second found an actual flea crawling up and down it. I’m officially disgusting, but i don’t care, i have great hair and in my world it’s the only thing that matters. (Ooh reading a bbm message from @EddClay asking me for love life help. I adore Edd! He went on a date with a young fellow, who wants him to marry him.) I think i’m quite good at the game of love, due to me dating every worthless boy that both England and LA have to offer. Yet the older i get the great deal lazier i become. Old people don’t get more mellow with age…they just can no longer be bothered to fight anymore. If you add my tragic ego to all that and if i find a boy putting me through any struggle these days. I can be found grabbing my fur and stomping out of his life and WITH  my boobs. Oh and i do want to thank each and every ‘Handsome’ who has offered to scratch my itchy cleavage. It’s very kind of you all…I’d let you get to it, if i didn’t think it’d end with you attempting to seduce me with your full fat boner. In the olden days when i was insecure, it would’ve worked. But now, I at least need gifts or dinner first. *Hair-toss.*

When i was sat on the loo this morning, my mum actually said something interesting to me, that went along the lines of: ‘Your Grandma and I don’t think you should ever get married again, if you don’t want to. I don’t want you to think that you need to. You’ve done that and well…what i know about men is that as soon as they have that ring on your finger they automatically think they now own you and no longer have to try. They get lazy. If you keep them guessing…they will work for your love and never take you for granted, because they’ll always fear you may leave them.’ (Then i wiped up and flushed.)

D’ya know what! I actually believe that to be true. Ofcourse not with EVERY man, ( i mean i’ve had a very good marriage to Michael, that accidentally ended in divorce,) but definitely with most of the boys i date. These days i never want a man to feel too comfy…like he’s in a *snuggle* sized fit. There have been times where every man i have been with has taken me for granted. Yet i have NEVER taken any man for granted. Women don’t tend to. I’m never gonna sell myself short again…and i’ve notcied that whenever i have done, in the past, the relationship with that boy has always gone sour. Don’t date down. Know your worth. Be a Goddess!

Even though things are pretty ‘fairytale’ between Pete & I, the honeymoon stage is very over. I’m beginning to learn about him more and more each day. Know that I NEVER let him get away with anything, without causing a giant DIVA rift! He works for his love and because i don’t give in to him so easily. Whenever i have…and with any boy… they’ve put on their BIG boots and tried to take over my land. (God, i’ve broken my nail from my half split groin pull yesterday! UGH!) For those of you that think  letting a boy work for my love, is evil of me…don’t. And why? Well because believe it or not, MEN are made for hunting, gathering and pleasing the object of their desire. The ones that don’t… are simply not real men and find their courage by preying on the weak or bullying women. They are party poopers!

Other than all that, why would anyone want a choclate bikini wax? I watched it yesterday on the telly. I was all excited because i thought i was going to get tantalized by cocoa, or chocolate coloured makeup…which i ADORE! I love my browns, tans and deliciousness. However, what i disappointingly got, was some lady covered in milk chocolate and oil, next to another one, with half her fadge out, getting ready for it to be covered in chocolate! The tag line was ‘It’s so good, it will make you want to eat it!’

Erm…? Why would i want to EAT something that has been smeared upon my vagina???? Men don’t even want to do that! It looked like a poo. I like chocolate and i like my vagina. But i don’t like mixing the two! It’s only okay and it’s never okay…when you’re trying to impress a boy, by pretending that you’re kinky. *Ooh yeah chocolate…Mmm.* I’d never let Pete do that to me…he tried to make me *hum* whilst I had a his ‘I beg your pardon’ in my mouth, the other night. Hum!?! This ain’t Chrissie Wunna 2006, when i could hum the ‘Mexican hat dance,’ and give a good blow job. The whole excitment of THAT particular moment was the fact that  the boy was Mexican and spoke like Not that i was humming on his willy! ‘Hum on it?’ YOU HUM ON IT PETE! Infact, Latin Lover is over me now. The ‘Wunna moving on’ part…has sunk in and put him off me. UGH! We’re still friends. Yet i know that in order for him to have moved on, he must have found a temporary replacement. I’m happy for him. Yet Latin Lover never loved me. He always loved another. We were NEVER each others ‘one.’ He just couldn’t believe his luck when i ventured into his life and well after a long while, didn’t really treat me has well as he should’ve. (I don’t enjoy getting pubically wrestled and HIT in the face repeatedly at nice family Mexican restuarants. He broke my shoe…GODDAMIT!)

 I like that i can talk about the bad part of our relationship, now we’re not together. When i was with him, i couldn’t seem to open up truthfully, out of this weird respect. I hate secrets. People only learn from hearing the real truth. This is MY story…and well i’m telling it to others to pass on my personal knowledge of love and life. Haha. What i did learn is that if you are about to get hit in the face pubically..at the restuarant and out of jealousy, because 2 people have said they like you more than your boyfriend. Don’t bother wearing your favourite t-shirt. You never get the stains out! 🙂  Oh and when ‘please stop strangling me’ becomes a phrase you find yourself saying every other week…it’s really time to leave. Lol.)

Anyway, lovely, lovely…I’ve realized i like categories. I’m a girl who puts everything in it’s correct box. Which is why i don’t love the chocolate bikini wax. (Good change of subject by Wunna.) One part of that is a foodie dessert, the other is for sex and ping pong balls. That blond pushy ‘buy buy’ woman, wouldn’t smear that stuff on her ‘cod.’ I guarantee it. I feel sorry for the girls that she used as models! ‘Ooh i’m on the telly!’ Yes but with your vagina out and with a ‘Curly wurly’ smeared upon it. Terrifying. Don’t do it. EVER! Not even when drunk, for an audience. And yeah, i get that i was on a trashy reality tv show where anything goes. But i never smeared a Dairy Milk on my hairy ‘munchkin’ and told you to buy it.

Anyway, i’ve got to get ready. I’ve got that secret mission at 3pm remember. Ugh. I’m hungry now. 🙂

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