How’s Ya Father?

I’ve just got out of the warmest, most bubbliest bath ever and i was gonna tell you all about me eating ‘Quality streets’ in it (But only the Toffee Pennies, that you have to chew on like there really is no tomorrow. However in return they act like they do not wish to be chewed, and almost FIGHT back. It’s kinda like having sex with Virgins or under-aged boys.) But then, after dropping far to many wrappers in my water, i glided out of the bath and felt a bit sleepy. The whole ‘relax don’t do it’ from the bubbly bubbles, always get to me. I believe showers are for when you’re feeling ‘fast paced’ and baths are for ‘sexy slow time’ or (in my case) photoshoots. People always like to shoot me in baths or barns. I pretend to be all ‘Girl next door’ in the pix. But we all know i’m a wit ridden floozey. (Mark Byron just told me he had Alize in his bath & lil’ George

Anyway, i was THEN going to tell you how much i believe i am Mary Poppins, and how much i adore that drunk, saucy, ‘have this sugary spoonful of rum’ nanny of an ‘ooh laa.’ I am 100% convinced she’s a pisshead or on pills. I mean, whenever she pops around, things magically appear and people start flying and penguins start dancing and everything gets stamped with a ‘Happy ever after!’ Mary Poppins waves the ‘Choose Booze’ flag of love. I worship her. I am her. I mean, why just name you vagina after a GREAT like that, when you can name your WHOLE entire ‘being’ after that bitch. (Homer impson is on my telly doing a belly dance to that exotic drunk tune that goes ‘..all the girls France do a belly button dance…’ That 5  seconds oddly kinda mirrors my whole entire life.) Choose Booze!!

Anyway, all of that jiggery pokery got elbowed out the way by me signing onto Facebook and getting immediately bombarded by horny men, boys, gentleman and dicks, who sort of rushed to my box of chat and decorated it with ‘I want you’s/i love you’s/ and How big are your tits you’s.’ I’m exhausted. Being a well experienced Glamour Puss is alot more tedious than you think after a bath. Usually i’m wired, so i can handle cyber ‘penis’ with a wink and a snap, but today (and due to my tiny appearance in Nuts Magazine) it has been insane. I’m getting deliciously bombarded by gentlemen from all over the world and within seconds of each other, that i don’t actually know what to do but *hide.*

Like i Tweeted earlier…if you delicious men formed an orderly, but  sexy line, i would actually beable to love you all. Yet, if you come at me, in a messy crowd of ‘Ugh ugh Boner, Gimme Now Now…NOW’ then it’s difficult for me to say ‘hello’ and treat you the way you would wish to be treated. It’s getting difficult, but i obviously wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m very grateful for the love. But when men want ‘NOW,’ they fucking fight for it. I mean, today it’s been one of those days where if i don’t reply within 4 seconds, they get devilishly angry at me and send me 20 messages all at once. I know, it’s frustrating, i 100% get it boys…but know that i have about 34 different chat boxes, constantly popping up at once..therefore, it takes me time to find you. But i love you. I do and if you wait…(politely) i WILL get to you. It’s odd because now i’ve dated Jonny (who was only 20 yrs old) lots of other 20 yr old boys are now all full of courage and having a shot at the old ‘pull.’ Unfortunately they’re getting it wrong. I mean one 20yr old told me today that he had just wanked over all my pictures & was going to ‘unleash the ultimate’ therefore i should sort of choose him for my ‘happy ever after.’ Deary deary me. *Laughs out LOUD.* How romantic!

It’s actually hilarious because at the same time as one gentleman saying ‘You’re my dream girl,’ i have another boy telling me his WILLY size in order to ‘woo’ me. Then it will go back to..i dunno..a gentleman from Italy, who will milk the ‘You’re the most beautiful girl i have ever seen,’ to a british pub going lout, telling me he ‘wants my pussy.’ Ontop of all that sprinkle, a delicious amount of beautiful young girls and my fierce gay bitches who have great taste and watched me on the BBF show (which is back on the telly now…watch me, watch me, plug, plug) who are nothing but always sweet to me…apart from the odd one or two that need a cuddle (*wink*.) I actually always put you guys as my chat priority..even above my friends. (Hahaha..i’m good like that.) The pervs can wait.. when I have some inspiring to do. And well, i’m not complaining because i love it. I just can’t handle the boys after a bath and sober. *exhausted face* But i rather them fancy me then not. *Big Winks.*Therefore, keep it coming,. Fight for my love…try it shirtless! Woohoo!

I heard a rumour today, from one part of the world…. that their press stated that i had a sexual relationship with Paris during the show?? A few of you asked me about it today too??? Erm… HAHAHAHAAH. Let’s not get carried away with the Kitten reputation now. I can assure you, that it never ever happened. LOL. That little ‘doo daa’ originally sprouted from the Daily port printing a massive raunchy, topless picture of Me, (which i liked) under a headline that said something like ‘I have sexual lesbian feelings for Paris.’ Which ofcourse is not too. I guess, they got that from interviewing me and asking ‘Are you a bi-sexual?’ I replied with a  ‘NO.‘ (This was all on the phone.) Then they asked ‘Are you a lesbian?’ I replied, ‘NO…i’m straight.’ Therefore they followed up with a ‘But if you were a lesbian, would you have sex with Paris Hilton?‘ To which i replied ‘Yes,’ and now it’s ‘travelled’ and all gone a bit loopy. Hurrah! Wow, yesterday was all about booking big career changing jobs and today is all about dodging boners and lesbianism. LOVE my life! When will the madness end.

Anyway enjoy you’re night, and clear all you’re emotional baggage from the closet of your ‘mind.’ Get your head straight, get that wiggle, in your walk. Have that wink in your eye and MOVE into 2010 with Ultimate ‘VA VOOMAGE!’

My shoe of the Day: (By Wearifudare) Let this bitch of a shoe *strut* you into your next chapter.

 

 

2 thoughts on “How’s Ya Father?”

  1. Well, count me in the category of “gentlemen,” for I DO think you’re one of the most beautiful women. As far as “wanting it NOW”: I can be patient. 🙂

    Reply

Leave a comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.