Hoochie Coochie Cooo

You know you’re a proper tart when you can’t find your eyelashes, after tearing them off your pretty slanted eyes whilst being mid-drunky, the night before. I found them stuck to the bottom of a halogen heater. I’m not sure how we have one of those in our house? But i adore them now…i mean who knew a heating device would catch eyelashes for Glamour Pusses. I only found one to be honest. However, that doesn’t bother a floozey like me…OH NO NO…*wiggle*..all i have to do is *purr,* then strut to a drawer and VOILA eyelashes GALORE!!! Drawers filled with them…’wow wow wee waa.’ (There’s also a glow in the dark condom in one…which i find bizarre. Not the fact that i have a condom…I mean ‘yay’ to safe sex. In the words of Loverboy…’if we’re in a house..we’re safe.’ Yet more because, the logic thinks it’s okay to catergorize eyelashes with glow iin the dark condoms. D’ya get what i mean? Like you put the fruit by the other fruit. The coffee, by the tea. The…[can’t thing of anything else…hahah…i love that i’m being hailed a genius.] But bottom line…you get it! I’m insane and i put the eyelashes, by the glow in the dark condoms. (Why am i wishing i had real life  midgets, holding open every door in my house? I want them to each have their own personality, and when you walk past them, they top up your wine…and swear at you aggressively. ‘Oh fuck off you fat bitch. More wine?)

Anyway, i have a lovely weekend planned. It’s bank holiday again, i think? Is it? I don’t know…but it’s sunny and i’m fully groomed. *Wink-pout-hair toss.* I think i have daytime jiggery pokery to tend to with my other half, who’s handsome. I was meant to be going to the Counting Houses ‘Hawaii party party’ tonight, but i’m not sure i can make it, due to the lack of finding a coconut bra. (Oh i loved a tweet to me yesterday that said, ‘I didn’t even realize you wore bras? Don’t you just wear tassles?’) I’m living, i’m loving, i’m making life worthwhile. I’m adoring all of you, more that you would believe and mainly because you’re all dipped in deliciousness and are beginning to come around to the Wunna way. I love, love, happiness, fun, sexuality, fiestiness and fairytales. I want you to know and trust that dreams come true and with a little bit of confidence, and a whole lot of ‘oooh’ YOU CAN DO ANYTHING. (I know this because everything you’ve ever dreamed of doing, someone somewhere has done it! It is achievable.) I’m a little burmese girl..(a hot one…:) ) from Doncaster. WOOHOO! If i can fly off to Hollywood, become a model, marry a movie star, get on the telly…YOU CAN TOO. That’s my story. Make your story, the way you always wanted it to read. Plus, it’s summer which is *amaze* much, because you can totally do it, in a sequinned bikini, with a Malibu pineapple, whilst wiggling to music, and shimming on a bar top…or a handsome, that you’ll never see again.  I LOVE SUMMER!! I want to be Malibu Barbie! *Falls off heels into the gutter.*

Okay, last night, i did drinks at the Swan & Cygnet with Pete. (Mr. Lover lover.) It’s kinda like a family pub, and we like them…because sometimes you just need to get away from the madness. (Yet we do prefer a trendy wine bar.) I had a lovely time…and right now, we’re closer than ever. We got drunk on white white wine. The kind that’s alright to say it’s on offer.

 Pete has this random theory that whenever he’s with me… people are much nicer to him (they probably are) and we always get an ice bucket…with our wine. Apparently when he’s on his own…that never happens. (Because i have boobies.)  I kinda just looked at him and said ‘I thought all wine came in ice buckets?‘ Exactly! But yeah..we’re really really close right now. It’s amazing! I wore hot pink. He likes a girl who makes an effort. Last night he really opened up to me…and told me how much he loved me (adoration works…i liiike,) then he told me how he knows we were meant to be together..(and i truely believe this, because if you knew what was going on in our life, as of right now..you’d get it to. It’s lovely!!) And well he was, as always…perfect! We’re the same type of person. (‘You’re everything i’ve ever wanted in a girl.’) BOOYAH!

Beautiful night, lots of chiiter chatter, and wiggling in the car. We both love music and i remember us sat in the car park of the pub for ages, with the music on full blast. They were old songs…but GREAT songs. We were dancing and singing for ages. It was funny! God knows what people must think of us! 

Y’know… before we even got there, we had to go to the Co-op. I don’t like supermarkets. The lighting is all wrong for a Glamour Puss, which is unfortunate because we get glared at a great deal when we’re out. I was dressed like ‘Barbie-going to a Hollywood’..strutting through the isles, looking for a bag of bananas, for his mum. He was dressed as ‘I could be a footballer, but right now i have diahorrea.’ We bought tablets for his poo problem, and scratch cards for his ego. He won £6. Woohoo! Life rocks! 🙂

Anyway, we dropped off the bananas ..we went for drinks, he was upset because he thought i called him a ‘monkey,’ we talked about whether i was a man, how he wanted to marry me, and how his life is about to completely change. This is a big year for him. Full of change. I’m used to change. My life changes my the month..the minute. *Pout* I think i’m accidentally a really good piece of inspiration for him. I’ve opened his eyes to what life is about! Made him realize what he can achieve…and i hope i do that for you guys too! I do! I do! Omg, i just remembered seeing a granny on a disability scooter last night, merrily waving an England flag. Now she’s either excited for the World Cup…(like I am…boys, balls, hubba, hubba.) OR…she supports the B.N.P. 🙂 The fact that it’s probably MORE the B.N.P thing…is hilarious! (‘Get out of our country WUNNA!’) I also saw a young girl trying to steal a Fish & Chip shop sign. I find this bizarro! Why much? I mean if you’re going to steal…steal fucking MONEY!!

Other that that, i’ve just wondered around the house, under the misconception that i am Joan Collins, and whilst effortlessly gliding through to the kitchen, i had a lovely lady… i think she’s my Mother? I don’t really know? But yeah, most Mums are all ‘i love you, you pretty little thingaroo.‘ My mum struts up to me…pinches my bum, peels off a sticker and puts it in my face.

I had accidentally sat on a price tag…and not a superior one that would suggest ‘dolla dolla’ or Prada. One that was on a tin of beans from the local corner shop. The neon orange kind that has £3.25 poorly typed on it, in grey. My Mother, (my first place of residence,) puts it in my face and says ‘Wow you’re not worth much!’ HA! Lovely! Lovely! As if you’re first home, ridicules your existance. I lived inside her! It was fucking cramped in there. 🙂

Have fun.