Hey everyone! I couldn’t really be bothered to write a blog today, so i spent the day working on my ‘soul’…(and oh what work it needs) hence why it’s up a wee bit late. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and i remember when i used to write this blog ages ago in Hollywood, when i was little. Back then it was so raw, emotional, Me and well…funny. It was really honest and i wrote it just for Me, instead for everyone else. I told my stories be they good or bad, and well the support i have in Los Angeles is phenominal as they never judged me, yet always found me to be this amazingly layered creature. I spoke of my sadness, aswell as my happiness. It was always done via written word…there was never any boobies on my blog. It was just the story of a girl, trying to make her dreams come true & struggling through life. (Which is something everyone can relate to.)
Since being in England, my blog seemed to change. It went down a whole wrong route. A route i never intended it to go down…( what a surprise) but yet it mirrored the type of place/chapter i was fighting through in my life. It kinda turned ‘tacky’ and ‘false’ and well i began writing it for everyone else instead of myself. And the reason was because more people have told me not to mention ‘this’ nor mention ‘that’ or we want to hear ‘this,’ we care about ‘that.’ Whereas in LA they just let me be Me, instead of trying to control my words.my ‘life.’ I always said to be a good blogger, you had to beable to express honestly and tell your stories in hope that people learn or are inspired by you and only write it for you and the need to express. I love to write. Yet it’s important to me to keep it real & raw and balance it with the good and the bad of my ‘insides,’ regardless to what others think. So from today, it’s all gonna change and for the better. Plus i’m going through a major turning point in my life anyway. Things are goody good.
All day today, i’ve been thinking and i haven’t been doing to well recently but put on that brave happy ‘front’ in order to not give others the ‘heebie jeebies.’ I’m in a healing process and doing the best i can and on a journey to discover my ‘truth’ and make my dreams come true. In order to move forward, i’m having to go through my past and pick at it. And that’s what i’ve been doing today. It’s funny now, but devastating at the time. I’m at that stage where you’re staring at old photos that you would always want to avoid and reading a jolly old self help book…(lol…i know i’m tragic.) I’ll read a paragraph, then burst into tears like a maniac…(hahaha) then have to take a nap, after a much needed glass of red. ( superstaaarrr!!!) I’m humouring myself. But i’ve been hurting. (No pity party needed. I prefer to handle things on my own. I swig my wine….) I care for him.
I also gave up my ‘glamour’ modelling career. I don’t think i need it anymore. It almost litters my life and sends out a wrong signal…an ‘old’ version of me. I’ve grown so much in the past year, so I’m leaving it behind. Plus, i talked to someone today, who knows me very well & he assured that i was 100% better than that and NOTHING like that in ‘real’ life. I’m still a sensual being but i’m now saving it for my ‘Mr.Right.’ I mean i’m not 18 anymore. I don’t even wanna see me naked half the time. (Lol.) I have one more important shoot that i agreed to, then that part of me is BURIED. I’m not gonna cheat myself anymore. I’m only gonna surround myself with people i really care about now, let the good ones in, have fun and keep my focus on what i’m doing. I have an exciting future and i can’t afford to mess it up…just yet. (wink)
Met a boy 2 months ago. Changed my life he did. More than i ever thought he would. I don’t think i’ve ever felt more for a person in England. It was like he was sent to me at the perfect moment to ‘save a soul.’ And without him even knowing… he did. I guess everyone meets people for a reason and although things haven’t been good between us recently, I actually think they have and i’m very thankful for him. He stopped the madness in my head and well i hope i know him forever.
Photo above, was taken in Downtown LA. A really grubby place full of druggies, homeless people, no hopers and prostitutes. I loved it. There was a piss pool next to me & every being around me had a story to tell. The air was filled with a mist of hurt, pain but happiness. I’ve always been blessed with a really good life, great family and ‘dreams coming true.’ But on occasion i have a ‘dark place’ (that doesn’t last very long…before i laugh it off) and this picture mirrors that layer well. My shirt had been shot at about 27 times with a 9mm…before i wore it. I’m sitting in a hot smelly gutter, with only running water and a trail of cigarette stubs. Magic…..or foolish?
Tonight i am watching ‘Brand’ with jazz music, smoking a cigar (old school ‘Glamour puss) and trying to get through another Chapter of ‘ Men are from Mars etc..’ without crying. Woo-hoo. LOL. I have a wine and coke (cola…not powder…that’s so 1980’s) infront of me and things are gonna be much better. (Yay.) I think i have to sing my ‘Mikey Ray’ song too?? Hahahahah!!! It never gets old. LOL…the lyrics are quite tremendous. I’ll ‘clink’ to that.
Gonna go call LA! Love ya x