You know when i said we’re back to ‘fairytale,’…well yeah we’re certainly not. I have no idea what is wrong with him right now, but he’s absolutely picking moments to annoy me and like i said, i’m as feisty as can be right now, i feel strong, powerful, happy and i’m not settling for ANY nonsense from anyone. I’ve got my ‘game’ back and i like it. My future is set to a mode of excitement and i’m committing fully to making my dreams come true, whilst others either do the same or simply choose to waste their time. That’s nto me. I’m lucky and when you’re lucky…you’ve just got to roll that dice.
But yeah, no idea what’s wrong with the hubs right now, but he needs to get his act together. He’s quite closed off with me right now, so i couldn’t tell you what’s going on in his head. (I don’t like closed off people and quite simply because i’m the opposite.) I don’t know if he’s struggling financially? If he’s stressed, depressed, or feeling stuck? Whether he’s feeling jealous or second best? I know that all he wants to do is entertainment and hates the path you have to take toward it, as it’s quite a long road. I have no idea how he feels about the baby and i certainly know that he’s currently feeling insecure. Oh and i’m annoying him. I know that because he’s annoying me.
So last night, when i’m putting baby Ruby to sleep, i’m laid in bed with her, lights off, giggling with Disney characters and singing ‘Twinkle. Twinkle’ with her, to set her off to dream land calmly. My phone rings downstairs and i’m told this via the fine art of Keiran grabbing my phone, looking to see who’s calling me (i NEVER do that to his phone,) it says something ‘Electric’ (Lord knows what that stands for, but i certainly saved them under that for a good reason at the time. I think it’s Chloe at the bar in London, who works there. Infact, is her name Chloe? Haha. Who knows? Yay to drunken champagne nights.)
Anyway, whilst i’m upstairs singing ‘nighty nighty’ to my beautiful baby Ruby (don’t know what i would do without her) Keiran decides to venture to the bottom of the stairs in the dark and tell me my phone was ringing. I’m not at all bothered about my phone ringing and in the middle of ‘bedtime’…so i simply say, ‘just leave it, i’m putting Ruby to sleep, i’ll be down in a bit.’
So anyone in a normal secure state of mind would be fine with that and wait a few moments until i had completed my ‘Twinkle Twinkle’ repeats for my little one year old. Yeah, not Keiran. He then goes on to say, ‘It says Electric!’ I reply with an ‘I’m putting Ruby to sleep, just leave it.’
But no, he just can’t and begins his male tantrum. He needs to know who it is, why they’re calling and he needs to know NOW, or he’s calling them back off my phone immediately. He was naggy and bullyish.
Right from that point on he had made me FUMING! Firstly, how dare ANY man place their own insecurity, as a priority over the ‘nighty nighty’ welfare of my CHILD!! I’m calmly putting her to sleep and decent man would leave his boy drama for another occasion. Secondly, don’t threaten me, with a basic act of ‘if you don’t do as i say, i will do this to make you…’ I’m a fighter. You see what you’re up against. Thirdly, don’t be a nuisance for attention. (It’s soo 2004.) Fourthly, bullying and insecurity are not becoming inbetween a ‘Twinkle Twinkle’ chorus and neither is the art of ‘needing to control.’ Plus fifthly, DO NOT EVER take my personal property and use it with my permission. It’s called MANNERS.
Anyway, Ruby’s now waking up, i’m so angry at him for disturbing her, that i STORM downstairs filled with my angry asian feist and SCREAM at him for being an inconsiderate idiot. As if you try to make you’re male drama more important then Ruby’s bedtime peace. (Makes me so angry.) He’s being cocky and idiotic and demanding to know who ‘Electric’ is and threatening to call them back, whilst not letting me have my OWN phone,. I hate that. It’s a form of bullying to take someone’s personal property and prevent them from having or using it, when you know that your physical strength outweighs theirs.
The entire time, he’s going on about how i should know who ‘Electric’ is and that he’s going to call them and how he’s not letting me have my phone back. It was the simple principle of him taking something that was mine, that had pissed me off. I mean he couldn’t call anyone from my phone anyway, as i’ve had to have a password set upon it, after that time at Malmaison when he went through my phone and caused such a problem when i was asleep and when i returned from the hotel the next afternoon. I felt bullied by an insecure male. AGAIN!! It’s like my entire past flashed by me. Almost every guy, i have dated has been like that, apart from two.
I SCREAMED at him at the top of my voice and grabbed the house phone to call my mum. He didn’t like that idea for some reason and snatched it out my hand. I grabbed the other home phone and he did the exact same thing and again prevented me from having them or using them. They’re mine. I pay for them. Not him. If i want to call my mum, i can. I was ballistic at his appalling manners. I was FUMING!
He wasn’t listening, but trying to make me calm down. What a weird combination, because he was trying to calm me whilst still bullying me, because he still wasn’t letting me use my own personal property, like actually taking my phone off me and not letting me have a home phone to call my mum. So to make him listen and make him realise that i didn’t have time for his little games of insecurity, (he was now saying ‘If i find out that it’s…and you’re’ …then stopped himself… he had completely wound me up for NO REASON whatsoever i threw a pink plastic baby Princess juice cup on the floor..and it smashed. I screamed, ‘WHAT YOU SHOUDL’VE DONE IS WAITED UNTIL I CAME DOWN AND NOT BOTHERED AND HARRASSED ME WHEN I’M TRYING TO PUT MY ONE YEAR OLD CHILD TO SLEEP!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!’
I then stormed over to the hallway to grab at shoes. Don’t know why i was grabbing at shoes, maybe out of comfort or i thought i was going to leave? Anyway, i picked up a battered fur boot, a beige one and LAUNCHED it at him, out of anger. It tapped his side and he walked over and prodded me, but second thought his approach, as obviously i’m pregnant. (When is he going to learn that you don’t wind pregnant women up??)
I had had enough and when i’ve had enough i simply leave the area of destruction, into a more peaceful environment. I walked back upstairs, as he was saying ‘You’re ruining our relationship.’ Really? How is putting your one year old to sleep ruining ANYONE’S relationship. Surely making a big deal about a nothing phone call, then causing a hissy fit about it all, until it turns into a fight is, let alone our previous arguement at the beginning of the week about the secret texting….is something that one can label ruining a relationship. I got into bed and laid next to Ruby and cried. This isn’t how the early stages of my pregnancy should be going. It certainly wasn’t like this the first time around.
I have no idea what is wrong with him. I can’t tell whether he’s just being an idiot, feels inadequte or whether he’s actually so emotionally overwhelmed with the fact that i’ve fallen pregnant, that he’s acting out….like he did before the wedding, He was happier this morning and acted deliberately distance, like people do, yet normal as he wandered on his way to work. He didn’t apologise, yet wasn’t a dickhead either. He was nice.
Today we’re not what i call great by any means, but i’m happy. I have a brilliant week ahead of me, filming, photo shooting, auditioning and filming again. That’s my entire week and it sure sounds exciting. Plus, i have a weekend with my delicious glitzy Ruby. My mum told me how proud she was of me last night and it put me on top of the world. I’m lucky to have such wonderful support, who always guide me in the right direction, so i don’t find myself sat in some bar, fucked up, with a bunch of acquaintances who really don’t cheer me forward in the best way possible and instead i find myself signing deals and taking life to the next level, with a whole heart. (My new agents have done me proud, within a week i have three lots of new work,)
Anyway, today is also all about SHOPPING and THANK GOD, because I sure as hell need it. My mum, dad, brother and Ruby will be hitting Doncaster this afternoon to relax, enjoy and celebrate life in the sunny, crisp Autumn weather. It will be divine because after the drama’s of last night, i need a giant de-stress and it seems with Keiran, there’s always one stress after another right now, and like he’s doing it deliberately at a time where he should be doing everything he can to prevent the stress from happening. But i’m stronger than that and stronger than him and it takes a lot more than ‘drama’ to get this kitten down. However, i must dash, as i believe i’m going to throw up my toast. Early morning sickness rocks. #not
My good friend Kelly (my only bridesmaid at my wedding) once told me that there are a lot of things in life that you can’t change, they are out of your control, but the things you can change for the better…you should, as they are in YOUR control. You can create your own happiness, so don’t waste the time you have with the people or things you care about, by letting the things you don’t get the better of you. #preachy 🙂