Grow your own Hooker Please

Spent the day at Meadowhall shopping with the Great Wunna before Me, the Lady who squeezed me out of her fadge on a cold december evening, after a fumble with my father in Rotheram 9 months previous. She’s my Idol, my biggest fan and well the person who turned me into the fucking bitch of a whorey nuisance that i am today! Rejoice! I’m not really that much of a ‘bitch,’ more ‘happy go lucky,’ yet the word ‘BITCH’ seems to send tingles down my spine for all kinds of inappropriate reasons. Can anyone say ‘Ooooh Laaaa??’ Come on boys…Wunna needs a loving!

I looked write tragic today, all blingy bright pinky and a tad tooi hip/hop for Sheffield. If Janet Jackson and Dolly Parton had a baby, today it would’ve been ME! I was very much part of the ‘Rhythm Nation.’ It didn’t really work for me too well. But did make my Mother and I piss our pants at all the inappropriate stares we got at the Apple Mac store, where i deliberately for some reason because i knew everyone was staring decided to ‘show off’ (code for ‘Show myself up’) and start acting like a Barbie doll. Then a bunch of giggly girls who daren’t approach me because i looked terrifying promised my Mother than they would grow up to be just like Me. I think i just complained an swore then told them i loved them. I’m having an awesome day today! I don’t know why? I’ve just been a silly jiggly jackass and it’s truely amusing. I’ve been all smiles and snake hips. I think it’s because i argued out my life earlier this morning. I know where i stand and why i stand and that my dears makes you want to celebrate with a shimmie….or try to convince ya mother than dressing like a ‘Slut’ would really work for her. She kinda fancies it a bit, but believes its now MY time! Hahahah!

I purchased a ‘Grow you’re own Hooker’ just to see how far it would grow? I called her Margaret (after our saucy Prime Minister, who i want to scramble on top of.) It only grows to the size of your sink. (And i do mean the bowl part and not the whole entire fucking thing…LOL! As that would be too amazing for me to handle and i would have to die on the spot in glee!!) It’s fucking useless. How can it even function as a ‘Hoe’ if it only fits in ya sink??  But i guess if you’re a girl it still kinda works. You can give your old ‘Buddha Palm’ a rest and start shoving old ‘Maggie Thatcher-the Grow your own hooker’ up your ‘Poppins’ for a solid 4 minutes. I think she shrinks then? But you do score around 22 points for being naugthy (the way i want everyone to be) as ‘Margarets’ face does look a little angry. Yep, she’s not too pleased with visiting my old ‘Tunnel of lurve.’ Neither was I? I kinda needed ‘Margaret’ and her 2 other friends up there to actually feel anything. Hahaha! It’s a SCORE by The Wunna!!

I don’t have anything to say other than i got invited by my friend’ Bafta’ for a walk around the countryside and a poo. I can’t poo anywhere but in the comfort of my own home (or a bush.) He then went on to pester me because i wouldn’t listen to the dreary story of his tragic life. He pulls 20 year old girls on trains who love the lull an wisdom of horny old men. She apparently studies bio-chemistry. I mean if you’re gonna commit to being a pervert you don’t go for a snotty bore- fest bio-chem student. At least try and snaggle someone who’s top is taken over by an out pour of ferocious breast meat. He then went on to send me a ‘Voice Note’ via BBM…which i’m now addicted too for pranks…which is simply himself and in a quite moaney voice saying ‘Oh Chrissie i’m soooo Booooored’ over and over again until you really do feel like you need to kill your self slowly to mood music…after getting finger banged by merry midgets in party hats. I told him it’s what i want played at my funeral. Yet there’s no point in really teeling him, as he’ll already be dead.

Had a 14 year old girl tell me today (and quite joyously) that she ‘Loved herself’ after reading my blog.. yep she shouted ‘I love ME!!!’ See i do make a difference you mardy old swines!

Love you Bitches. Keep it Coolio and Lash ya life UP! (Winks)

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