Today I woke up feeling great and one of the wonderful things about me is the simple fact that i’m really good at bouncing back, with a ‘just like that’ attitude, after a major life hiccup. Through my time in LA, life hiccuping was my forte. It sort of gave me a glitzy armour and educated me in the art of being bull strong. I life hiccuped so much during my twenties that the recovery time i needed in order to feel great again, just ended up diminishing. I feel great because I feel free. I feel of worth and I feel as though when it came to the ‘hard time’ I was the one who stood by my little bits of loin fruit, which sort of (my I say) makes me feel like a ‘Hero.’ And I only say ‘feel like’ simply because I don’t necessarily think you’re hero just because you managed to stand by and love your children, as that should be a given. It’s the easiest thing in the world. But when it comes to integrity, strength and loyalty. I’ll take a ‘hero’ title, thank you. 😉 *Wiggle-Champion Arms.*
Life has been good and hasn’t really been as hard as I thought it would be without Keiran living in Wunna land permanently. The home feels airy, light and harmonious. We’re all breathing in new fresh clean air and there’sactually been no negative energy and no frustration. In fact my home is now filled with utter pure love. Rubes, Junior and I are good human beings and our bond gives off the magic of a *sizzle* when we’re together. Things are looking up and i’m happy. There’s even been a difference in Rubes. She has a sparkle in her eye and because that layer of thick tension that glooped over the home…has now been lifted.
Nothings really changed too much. I’ve forgotten over the initial shock of it all. he’s apologized for the way he did it and actually wishes to pursue our marriage and now be a full time husband and parent. Yet as we discussed yesterday, he needs space and I’m not ready at all to open him back into my home, world or heart at all as of yet on a live in, full time’ permanent.’ I go through waves of hating him and forgiving him a little. I don’t fully trust him and I do believe that he made an impulsive decision, where he didn’t actually think about the consequences of his actions. He thought all this would be okay with me, that i’d welcome him back after he tried to prove a point. Marriage isn’t about point scoring. It’s not a game.
I don’t think his intention was to actually really leave us or abandon his marriage or family. I think that he was so caught up in the way he felt that he forgot to think for 4 people. He selfishly thought for himself, which didn’t give him the result he wanted, because no girl would ever really be willing to trust a man who ran out on her and her children. How can you? It doesn’t matter how good he’s being now, or how great you patch things up. Or how amicable you are after the storm. It’s just the art of ‘patching.’ It’s not truly resolving any problems and running away isn’t solving anything. But we’ve both agreed to live apart. I’m not wanting him to move back in and well he chose to move away and therefore must need to be away. It’ll be good for him. Yet every single one of my friends have said…well after calling him a idiot… ‘that it’s something that he will live to regret,’ and because I’m not good at being in relationships where the boy is not present full time by choice. I’m not forgiving and in my mind if we’re separated, we’re separated and I don’t think any boy that has moved away from me, regardless as to whether we’re married…gets to keep dibs on me. I’m not on hold for anyone…ever. I’m just getting on with life. We’ve been chatting and he’s been sweet, yet i’m deep down highly cautious. I’m not stupid. He annoyed me a bit this morning, when I told him that it felt awful for me to have two children that I had to give out to two different men. I told him he was like Pete now. (Because in Keiran’s head, we’re still happily married and together.) Instead of saying something sensible…he laughed. That pissed me off. I don’t think separating a family is funny, or the art of me having to ‘give’ my son to him for an outing because he couldn’t be bothered to live with him. It’s not funny at all. It almost gave me the impression that he was enjoying ‘playing separated.’ Which made me see him as stupid and I saw him as stupid because soooooo many men would give ANYTHING to live with their child. Like PETE for example. Keiran chose not to and found it funny to ‘play’ separated. I don’t suffer fools that well. He hasn’t actually been intentionally mean, he’s just been stupid, which is often sort of worse.
On the up side…I now don’t have to cook for him, clean for him, scrub his gussets, do as he says…any of that. I don’t have to look after him or pander to him. YAY! He did try to slyly suggest that I wash his shirt,
‘I don’t have a washing machine here and now my room stinks!’
‘Well you’re just gonna have to buy some washing powder and do it in the sink!’
‘Yeah I do KNOW. I HAVE DONE IT BEFORE.’
Then why bother telling me then….Lol. No wife duties ROCKS. It actually all works in my favour. 🙂 He even looked in the fridge and hovered his eyes over the stove when he was here to see Junior last night. *BUZZ* Wrong Answer. No more of that. So, it’s ace, because I’m now a wife who doesn’ t have to do all the shitty wife duties. I just get to be Mummy and do Me. 🙂 🙂
He was on the phone to me yesterday saying, that he was not happy with where he was now and how we are. That he didn’t want to be away from Me or the children. That he just didn’t have a choice. That he I loved me and wanted to be a full time husband and father. He even quotes this statement, ‘ I’m a family man.’ Now, not to be ridiculous or anything, but in the words of Ricky Whittle, (Who was ‘Calvin’ off Hollyoaks. Yes the fit one! 🙂 ) ‘You are defined by your actions and not by your circumstance.’ You can’t say I want to be a full time husband and Father, then abandon you wife and children. And like everyone says, you can’t say ‘I had no choice,’ because all anyone has in life ARE choices. No matter what you do, you have CHOSEN to do that. Then there’s the whole, ‘I couldn’t cope with the way you we treating me anymore…so i left to prove a point.’ That rubs my Father up the complete wrong way…as he says, ‘Does he not think that all men feel that way in marriage at times. They feel weak, they feel stressed, they feel as though they can’t cope. All men feel it, but in my marriage no matter how much your Mother annoyed me, or became tough to handle…I never once left her side, her home, her heart or abandoned my family.Let alone the WAY he did it. That is what measures the heart and strength of a man. I was never that selfish. You deserve better and simply because he lost his FAITH in you. He didn’t think this through and it’s not going to end the way he wants it to.’
Anyway enough of all the negative. The wonderful thing about going through a difficult time is being reminded of the fact that you have GREAT support.
One of the biggest things that got me through the last 3 days were what I call ‘my soldiers.’ I always tell you how great my friends are. They’re friends that I don’t see all the time, every day or every moment. That’s how you can tell a true friend. But they are people who I love, who I respect because they love and respect me and well also the things in or going on in my life. I pick my friends very carefully…I’m not stupid enough to surround myself with idiots or no hopers, users or ….can’t think of any more. The day before yesterday, I came home from a lunch with my Mother. I checked the mail and there was a little cardboard Amazon box on my floor? I was sooo confused and obviously figured it would’ve been for Keiran, because I hadn’t ordered anything from Amazon. Yet then I knew it couldn’t be as he is certainly not a reader.
I run up. I check. It’s addressed to me. I slowly peel it open.
OH MY GOSH!!!
So my good friend Emily (@emilywoodcock )…my ginger Princess of bondage, who I have just filmed and worked with on the Ann Summers project, (yes we have sex toys… created by us on the shelves of Ann Summers right NOW….so please go buy them pronto. They also make great gifts.) Anyway, due to me feeling low and depleted, due to all my relationship drama, she decided to send me a surprise gift…the first time i’ve actually ever loved a surprise. I opened up the box and it was a book…THE POWER to be precise. I’m a fond lover of all books of this sort..The Secret, The Magic…The Power and had never got around to buying it and reading it.
Emily, however, decided to buy and mail me one and have it surprise delivered to my home, out of love and with a note that read this,
‘I’ve not read this myself, but i’ve heard great things about it. Chin up Babe. Emily W’
Awwwww………how sweet. It made smile and cry all at the same time, because everything had been so tough for me over the last few days and it felt so lovely to have someone do something like that for me, when i was maybe feeling down. (I was about to put of ‘little worth’ then, yet when you’re a mum you never feel of little worth, no matter what because your children always need you and love you.) But yea…Ems… What a great human being. I love her. YOU ALL NEED AN EMILY. I feel lucky to have her on my friends list. 🙂 She’ll make a good wife one day.
So over the last couple days, just knowing and seeing how strong my support system has been has lifted me over this and sailed me through quickly. I mean, as soon as my friends thought that I needed a safe landing…they didn’t butter me up with cliched ‘blah…blahs,’ they didn’t demean him in any way either. Instead, I received calls of love, inboxes filled with help and advice…texts of humour, snippets of smiles, DM’s of experience and surprise GIFTS through the mail. 🙂 It’s made me very happy and helped me wake up after day 3 and feel brand new. I feel great! *Sips water* (I’m drinking way more water now simply because Victoria told me that if I don’t my body will squeeze the dirty water out of my own poo and use it to hydrate my body. Gross!)
Other than all that, the kids are fine. Ruby had a baby-cino coffee date at nursery with Edward and Junior pissed himself laughing every time someone got told off.
Pete’s about to drop Ruby off. She had a sleepover night with him last night. Keiran and I have been getting along fine today…even after everything…He’s taken Junior out for the day. Things are all good. In Keiran’s odd ’bout of cheeriness, he playfully said, whilst pointing at me and doing his baby voice, ‘If you’re lovey dovey to me, maybe i’ll come back.’ Erm? Come back? He can’ t come and live with me now, after leaving. HE said that it would take time…and now I truly believe it will too. I’m enjoying not having to do all the shitty wife duties. 🙂 It’s gonna take a whole lot of wooing, romance and convincing before I’ll even THINK of wanting to scrub his gussets again, make him his tea, or tickle his back for hours on end. In his own words ‘The balls in your court Chrissie,’ and well right now i’m grabbing it and enjoying having the title of wife without actually having to do the crap parts. 🙂 I feel like he’s made my life a bit too comfortable for me now that he’s sort of accidentally made it harder for himself to convince me that it needs to change. Men. 🙂