Morning all! You delicious demons of ‘Hey-Hey’ it’s Wednesday.’ Is it Wednesday?….Yeah…..It’s Wednesday.
I sort of had an emotionally rough night. The kinda night that didn’t have to turn out the way it did…but it did.
I woke up this morning at a halfway mark of ‘okay.’ A mark where you might just choose to wallop on a pity party, if you decided to give Wednesday a good old ‘white flag.’ A 50/50 mark, where you know you have a lot to feel blessed about, yet you selfishly feel that things could quite frankly ‘be better.’ It’s a limbo phase of *hazy-hazy*which rarely ever works positively for any passionate girl or even being. But this Wednesday, i’m wise enough to know that, we all at times go through this and the good thing about me, is that i’m darling bit of one who will always cling onto facts. And the only fact I know about storms and comedy grey clouds, is that in the end, they simply lift. *Breathe here*
However then…and just as I was about to feel all sorry for myself and metaphorically throw myself over board..feed myself to the sharks :)… my tiny, Baby 2, loin fruit,
beamed at me with a look, a gummy smile and a distinct glint of ‘I love you.’ (Ruby however trumped. 🙂 )
And it was in that moment that I pulled myself together and realized how lucky I was!
Life (yes…i’m about to get preachy.) is a precious thing and the people you choose to love and do life with are highly precious also. Out of the gzillions of people in this entire mighty world…you chose that one person to share your tender heart with. Yet the lives that you bring into the world are an extension of what you believe in, which steps up your level of love, worth and importance. How you felt as child dictates how you are as an adult and often (according to a very delicious occupational therapist) having children can trigger off old memories that may have been unresolved within you…as can love, marriage, life or anything….It can make you do silly things, that lead you down a path that you never wished to go down. I had a wonderful childhood, which has helped me become an understanding parent. I have childhood memories that flourish like a dream,which I swirl around my own little children on a giant daily basis. I’ve had a dodgy love life, not all bad, not all good. Which makes me just an ‘alright’ girlfriend. Yet quite weirdly makes me an excellent wife. I’m a rubbish girlfriend, because I can’t operate on that level naturally. I enjoy stability. But I’m a GREAT WIFE and an even better MUM. And I stand by that with everything that I am.
I pulled myself together this morning because the lives i’ve brought into this world are more than absolutely worth it and i’m not stupid enough to take that or the meaning of ‘family’ for granted.
Rubes & Junior make me loyal to life and make me have faith in that fact that it’s always going to be great. As soon as they beamed this morning, I immediately smiled, giggled, cuddled them and well then totally did my face! 🙂 And if i’m honest…after everything I’ve been through in my love life, be it in good old Yorkshire or the glitz of Hollywood…Keiran has been a massive factor in making ‘love’ worth it. He’s made me understand romance the way a fairytale would write it and in love i’ve blessed his life with family, loyalty and maybe a sense of purpose and I want to focus on the good that we bring into one another’s life and not in a way that puts ‘the goodness’ in the past as a memory. But keeps it very present.
Last night….he ‘won’ and I put the art of winning in quotations simply because we’ve both been really stupid and when you scrape down to the very bottom of the wooden, barrel and think about what actually matters in life…like when you imagine your kids when they’re older, on their wedding days, when they’ve achieved or when they’re sad. Or imagine yourself on your death bed, in the last minutes before you pass…(very dramatic, I know…but bare with me here 🙂 It does happen and on a ‘moment’ basis ) …no one really wins, when the result of winning is breaking down something you truly love…which for both us is our a marriage and our family. There’s no winners when something that should be together is torn and separated in bits of love or distance.
We spent two years together and we loved hard, bickered hard, laughed hard, fought hard….all sorts. There’s been these really awful times, which have been overridden by these really magical times.
We’ve been really stupid because there have been times in our relationship when we’ve only cared about ourselves. During different stages of course and during different moments of security. Our relationship…and we’re now at a stage where we have wrongly coloured too aggressively ‘out the lines’ and all in I’d say 4 or 5 days…is weirdly still worth it, because when you’ve stripped the front of the dramatics away, from both of our beings as individuals, we’re really not that different from one another. Hence why during our the last 2 years, whenever he’s done something idiotic, i’ve managed to understand and recoup. Plus, vice versa, whenever i’ve done anything idiotic..and we’ve both been pretty idiotic…he’s always understood and recouped. That just comes from being similar. We always said from the start, that we couldn’t believe how similar we actually were. So even though I might say, ‘Blah…blah…blah…this’ and he might fight back with a ‘blah…blah…blah…that,’ it’s all kinda just words and words that don’t mirror what our actual hearts might feel. It’s like being a two year old, when you want to go to bed, but your actually fighting your sleep…even though it’s not the best thing for you, or even what you truly want.
He’s done this, i’ve done that, he’s said this and i’ve said that…and yesterday..nobody won. No-one wins when no-ones happy. I know he’s not happy…he’s a family man and a husband and he enjoys that part of his life. I’m not happy…I’m a mother and a wife and i believe in togetherness, which we don’t have right now, but must sort out. I’ve learnt that breaking down love and families, when there’s still love and a family doesn’t work in anyones favour and simply because i’ve been on both ends of that. I’ve broken down a family…which I will always mark down as ‘wrong’ and i’ve been the subject of someone wanting to break down a family…which no doubt..he will also mark as wrong, because it’s not what he or either of us want in the long run, or even in the immediate.
I wish the ‘blah, blah, blah’ and the blame finger and the point scoring would stop (and I do mean by both of us) and in turn, as a result, I wish that everything that has wrongly occured, which doesn’t even need to be relived or spoken about with one another because we know what’s happened, we’ve both experienced it together, would just get filed away, as we both put our hands up to being idiots, say nothing more than ‘sorry’ to one another and agree to hold hands and go back to the good times…and without the if’s..and buts…and you said…whatnot. Just do love and do it simply. But more importantly unconditionally.
We didn’t get engaged after 5 weeks, raise Ruby, get married after 11 months, then carry and give birth to the most beautiful little boy, only three months ago, who was conceived on our wedding night..for nothing. Our family is worth more than that and in the words of my mum,who has been a good mum to both of us…
‘Chrissie, It doesn’t matter what anybody says, or what you two say to each other right now whilst you’re angry and upset. I know you both and I know you both well. Sometimes things have to go too far, in order to get back to where you want them to be and to appreciate the things you have, when you have them and I don’t mean in a ..now you’ve lost me so live to regret it… kind of way. I mean that It’s like having everything, taking it for granted, then losing everything, only to cherish it when your love & life turns back to where it was..and that’s for BOTH of you. You’re both great people and you’re both strong people. He didn’t marry a weak woman and he knows that & you didn’t marry a weak man & that’s what you’ve loved about him. When you’ve both breathed it out, actually looked at how great you both have it. Actually stopped being selfish and actually see what you both have in life…each other…Junior…Ruby…love…the world…and pretty much stop playing war…you’ll be okay. The sad thing…well the good thing should I say about it all, is that you both already know this..So you can both play the it’s over, i’m not calling or texting and i’m moving out game like 20 year olds…where you let down the family that you’ve created and worst of all you let down each other and yourselves…You two are really not good at being apart, whether you think you are or not. Or you can get your act together and lovingly fight for what you honestly from the bottom of your hearts think is right. I’m 63! Grow up!’
(I always love how she ends her wisdom with an angry stunt of ‘get the message.’ 🙂 )
So, now i’m pretty open to it all and I don’t like that it’s gone from this:
(Which is a picture I wanted to look back upon, when I was 80 years old and remember, as I told my great grandkids about the story, in my rocking chair, with my leoprint tea cosy and ‘think i’m still 20’ bloomers.)
So to anyone going through the same thing, or to those of you who are pregnant, or newlyweds, or even single, learning or happy…. My words of wisdom today are to only fight the fights, worth fighting and fight them when the whole result to that fight.. is something quite marvellous. Take your facts from things that are positive and give no focus to that of a negative nature.
Y’know, from a honest’ Mother’ point of view, I’ve never been worried or scared of raising Rubes on my own, because I know that i’m strong female role model for her..and I know that I can teach and guide her into flourishing as a GREAT WOMAN, filled with esteem. Yet with Junior, part of me feels naturally terrified when it comes to raising a boy and because I can love him with all that I am and teach him to be a boy, from a woman’s point of view..Yet I can’t teach him the little boy things like how to run fast, kick a ball, or even do a stand up wee.:(
However, saying that…maybe more little boys need to be loved, nurtured and raised from a woman’s standard of what is expected…then a new breed of ‘gentleman’ will grace this universe and that is a win, win for EVERYONE! As the saying goes…’Man UP’ Wunna. *Deep breath in….and out…..*