Gosh, i’m looking forward to Christmas, but before i get into all of that, i will have to tell you that i’m having to blog this little bit of life out, in tiny brown secretary specs and simply because Specsavers have failed to deliver my sight on time. Some of you may find it sexy. I kinda do at various angles. However, when you’re on the behind the specs side of the whole ‘shabam’ and your eyes are all stingy, due to a smoke filled evening of fireworks and bonfire ash, followed by a sleepless night tending to your beautiful one year old daughter, who couldn’t enjoy dreamland, as she suffered from baby girl nightmares, it isn’t quite as ‘ooh laa.’ I’m feeling really odd today. In fact, i could go as far as saying moody and i don’t know whether it’s my hormones (as i have had my first mental and rather random weep of the day, to the subject title of ‘orphans’ already this morning 🙂 gets you every time) or whether i just now hate men, after a brief conversation with good chick friend Kelly last night, as we celebrated Novemeber the 5th. When we managed to have our moments alone, we would have a quick girlie gossip about men, and punishing them, as well also have a quick review of our own jolly natures, before having to go back to normal family talk, when everyone came back. I enjoy that we wanted pink champagne and i enjoy that Kelly wore heels and had to stand on the concrete path the entire time, in order to refrain from sinking. I love my little chats with Kels, as no matter what we always seem to have one another’s backs, as older women, in our 30’s, who have pretty much experienced a great deal of life, love and men. We’re not silly little girls. We have grown up minds and well it’s cute to have someone always on your team. I mean, even if the boys try to make us feel sorry for them, by telling the other girl their sob story. 🙂 We sort of politely listen, nod, ‘aww’ a little and then just stick to #TeamGirl. Fireworks, was a good time. I unfortunately didn’t have Baby Ruby with me, because she went off to the big display at Roundhay park, in Leeds, with Pete, whilst i was at Kings Croft in Pontefract. I missed her sooo much it hurt and because every tiny piece of me adores her with absolute, ultimate ‘ooh.’ However, she apparently watched a little bit of it, enjoyed it, (omg she lo0ked so delicious all wrapped p in her snugglies) and then fell asleep, during the bitty bangs, half an hour into it, so he had to bring her home for bedtime. 🙂 Awww! I love that she’s not a party animal and enjoys the comfort of home life and bed time, as i’m sure it means her home life is happy. (Not that any 1 year old is a party animal. But ‘shush’ let me have my moment, or i’ll weep for no reason, with my imbalanced hormone crowd.)
I had a really busy day yesterday, one that exhausted me and although i was happy through most of it, had a bit of an over the phone bicker which angered me so much that swayed my mood to angry. When you’re preggo, this happens. When i’m happy, i’m happy. But the tiniest thing can annoy me and when it does, you’re in the line of fire. I’m feisty at the best of times, let alone with a juicy bundle of bouncy hormones a juggling.
The good thing about last night, was that whilst i watched the fireworks and had my little dolly head up to the skies, as the tip of my nose froze and my hands were wrapped in mittens. Two minutes into it, i felt big warm man arms, loop themselves around me, from behind and they were arms that told me that they loved me. Before i knew it, i was watching fireworks and being cuddled by the man of my dreams, under the night stars and the bitty bits of fire light, shooting through the skies. I loved it, because everything felt romantic again. So for 20 whole minutes, life was perfect. Then weirdly, after it had all finished, all of that stopped and life went back to ‘normal’ again. Infact, no not normal, more distant than usual. I wasn’t a happy chicken and couldn’t wait to get to bed and see my Baby Ruby, (who might i add woke up with the biggest smile on her face, with her head laid on my pillow, facing me, and with her hands squashing my face, as she giggled and grinned to the merry sounds of her life. The to top to top it all off she said ‘love you Mummy.’) Oh MY God! It’s what life is about and reminds me of being a little girl myself. So yeah, the moments of waking up to kind words and being cuddled by the man you love under fireworks really does make a difference and as women we really do tend to dwell on the bad that men do to us and enjoy to punish them for all the wrong that they’ve ever done to us, as we hold onto each moment of the past and make them pay for it over the years they spend with you. However, sometimes as a lady, (and i’m an unforgiving one, dipped in sasserilla) you just have to love and except them for who they are. You sort of have to remember the great moments and make them more powerful than the bad moments. You can only hope and trust that you never get hurt again. However, if you do…then i’m sure a bit of punishing is competely and utterly FINE! 🙂 #TEAMGIRL
Anyway, enough about all that. What i will tell you is that preggo’s should not ever be sent on a mission to carry tins of paint. OMG! I nearly died. I mean fuck that. I went to purchase paint, as it was requested of me to do so, at some point this week. I couldn’t even LIFT the smallest tin up without my arm feeling like it was about to snap off. I had to leave it halfway and go to the store next door to purchase myself a bit of bargain crap, to make myself feel better.
I did actually got o buy a ‘Hello Kitty’ bed set and single duvet. Got the bed set, yet they didn’t sell a single duvet, so instead of just leaving, i noticed everything seemed to be on sale and quite wrongly began buying. I swear, i bought everything from toffees to multi-coloured, glittered letters, that spell out ‘XMAS.’ 🙂 Plus, a kiddie tea set, a hat and some colouring pencils?? I almost bought a tree and a table and chair too. It got that bad.
I had to leave. I had to. So i did and then tried to carry the paint tin once more. I still couldn’t lift it, so instead walked across the street to have McDonalds. Ate all that, had an over the phone argument. Told a boy off. Felt grumpy and well at that point, i KNEW i would be able to pick the tins of paint up now. The anger was a bubbling within me.
I succeeded and got two tins for the price of one. Called a cab. Got home. Felt knackered and then went out to the bonfire.
I’m loving the new me. I’m feeling happy and sort of like i have my life set out for me. I had a last week of being puzzled and feeling lost. Yet now i’ve realized that if you have a fall back plan, you will always fall back upon it, so instead you must hone your talent and your craft and go get what you want in life, without fear. But only if you’re good at what you do.
I’m a very lucky girl, who has had everything in life and the only thing i searched really hard for and the only thing i will always say i kept failing to achieve or find was true love and my pain of never being able to find that true love, was sold to the art of ‘party.’ BAD!
Now, i’m in a place, where i have true love and not only that my absolute fairytale. PLUS, the most little girl, who i treasure more than anything in this entire world AND with another little bambino on the way. Life feels perfect and i feel like i’ve become more of a home body now because it took me such a long long time to find true love and have such an amazing little Wunna made family of my own, that i treasure it and hold it to me preciously, even if i sometimes don’t show it. They mean more to me than anything and so much more to me than the art of ‘party-party,’ or even being highly social these days. I’m happiest when i’m with them and when we are all together. Plus, i associate ‘party-party’ with pain. However, saying that i still did it with panache. I mean, it didn’t look or feel like pain at the time. You realize it when you graduate life and become that little bit older and that wee bit wiser, which only comes with experience and not really just age.
I just want to make sure i spend as much time with them as possible, especially because we now have another little addition on route for arrival next Summer. 🙂 Like i said, it just took me a long time to find such love and such happiness that i want to treasure every single second i have with them, because i feel that without them, my life would actually mean nothing. Yeah…i’d have a book, a bundle of doshola in the bank, a cosmetics line, a show, a lip gloss line, a store…a whatever…but that’s not what my life is about and i’ve weirdly always known that. I’ve wanted those thing and still do. Yet always known that i would never be whole without a family. I’m made for love and lucky enough to be granted a chance at success. It feels really great to finally have my priorities right. I’m officially a proper grown up.
ps/ i’ve managed to have my second random preggo weep of the day, whilst writing this. 🙂
pps/ Shit, i totally forgot i was meant to be writing my Ladies Christmas gift guide for men. I’ll have to do it tomorrow.