There’s always one little unglammy *troll festival* that has to pull down their pants and try and poop at someone’s party. Unfortunately for them…this is MY party…and we’re in the VIP, so with one ‘I don’t like the look of them, they have really shitty shoes’ some buff security guy thunders along, snatches the ‘paid for by Wunna’ cocktail, out their hand and launches them back out onto the curb.
Let’s play! *Air kisses here.*
Incase you didn’t know, today I got *fan mail.* 🙂 Woohoo!
Firstly, I’d like to thank EVERYONE ( all my imaginary friends) for saying their piece via Facebook, as it makes them look like a pleb and shows me support that I knew I had anyway.) Secondly, don’t fret…lol…as this is actually something that I’m really commonly used to. If you saw my actual inbox, you would realize that it is wedged between an array of dick pics, actual real life fan mail and messages from people I actually know. Lol. I don’t find it upsetting. I’m built of massive glitter bricks. I definitely find it funny. I’m not a being, who’s that sensitive to this sort of sexy behaviour. AND I am still having the best time EVER…in my Mercedes. *Cry here with laughter*
I’m just someone who believes that if you place yourself in a position where in which other people can watch, read or see you publicly…you have to be able to take (what I call) the ‘sexiness’ 🙂 that comes jollying along with it. I focused on this message because it was such an ESSAY and so incredibly rude. I have better manners than you…yet also a wine…so now, you’re fucked. 🙂
Firstly, since The Clothes Show Live, hailed me as ‘Blogging Royalty,’ I’d much prefer, for you to address me as ‘Your Majesty.‘ It has a better ring to it than ‘Disgusting, nasty whore.’ Using such language makes me think you’re hitting on me…as it totally confuses my loins. (Plus, I get my boobs out every 7.2 minutes…and they’re five years old, according to Dr.Madhi, which awfully for you.. makes them not ‘saggy.’ You’d hate me for it, but i have REALLY GREAT BOOBS. They’re so great, I’m in the British ‘Boobepedia’ for them. 🙂 You should build a boobie shrine and worship them every 9 minutes…because I don’t even have to wear a bra. I could quite easily lift my top up and run around naked, without feeling a tiny little utter of insecurity. Doesn’t that make you feel awful.
Pete, Keiran and I are all still close. They’re boys who would go out of their way to help me if I needed it, (and vice versa) because we share children. We weirdly do parenting and this odd ‘respect’ thing with love and laughter. *Wacky concept.* Ben…(Yes, I find him hot and we’re still in love) is on a ‘Diet Journey’ so right now, he is too hungry and too knackered to run. But has certainly enjoyed executive suites, cocktails and ‘Date Nights.’ Cheers! (You’re not invited.)
I pay for things for people because i’m KIND. Lol. I’m generous and normal and I get a kick out of people having a good time. To be honest, I pay for things, because I CAN. I literally spent my entire life being a model… a good one…so I made a bunch of dosh, which enables me to pay a bar tab, I thank you very much. (I didn’t get my boobs out for free and I didn’t waste my time signing up to a Youtube account under an alias, to essay/ ‘hate mail’ a glamour puss,’ simply because she’s better than me.)
‘Chrissie! Grow the fuck up!’ (I’ll give you that…but i punctuated it better.)
‘Cheap’…I like luxury. ‘Plastic’ eyelash brand…They’re mink…daaarling. Garden centre friends…I LOVE THEM. (Even when we call each other ‘cunts.’ You should pop in, we have fifty percent off baubles right now and you could do with some glitzy, last season cheer.)
I’m happy, REALLY stable, content and successful. (And really pretty. Did i tell you that I was pretty. 🙂 I look in the mirror and think ‘God, I’m hot at thirty five and after 2 children..EVERYDAY. I’m not pregnant or trying to have a baby…because I already did it…TWICE. Lol. I have a proper family and everything…that I MADE.) I’m mainly ‘successful’ as a general human being, and not just when it comes to personal achievement or dosh. I know what matters and the ‘glitz’ of it all and your moaning, shows me that you know nothing about entertainment.
My children are happy. They’re doing well, thanks! Ruby loves school (paid for by Glamour pussing,’ and ‘working hard.’) And Junior loves Mummy, because i’m his rock. (We don’t mess with Junior.)
I don’t copy blogs, because I don’t need to. Tens of thousands of people read my blog…constantly, even when i right crap, because it’s real. It’s a lifestyle blog, so it’s about MY actual life. It’d be a bit weird to ‘copy/ paste’ someone else’s life, and place it in my own blog. My life’s completely different.
You’ve made Hayley look like a massive numpty, to hundreds of people, which isn’t good *shimmies* really. I have an inbox full of people delivering messages in regards to this now, so your support backfired and instead put her in the shits. (Well done.) Oh and sex with Graham was hot. (I’ve never tried to have sex Graham. Lol. You plank.) I tend not to sleep with people’s husbands, because i’m usually married or in a relationship myself. Lol. AND my milkshake really does bring the boys to the yards…and in the further words of Kelis, ‘and damn right, it’s better than yours.’
Long story short…it’s obvious where this message stemmed from…so the rest is irrelevant. It’s hilarious. (My outfit..and i’m in my pyjamas, trumps this mail alone.)
Now, I could call you a dickhead…state how all this is ‘not very Versace’ of you…and think that you just didn’t enjoy what was in my beauty bag, since you placed it under my new Vlog? It’s like my imaginary work friend stated…You’re so confident, brave and heroic. ‘I want to verbally fuck you up..from Anonymous.’ *Weeing myself.* You’re a douche. An insecure one. I’m going to take this ‘hate mail’ message as a bit of a flirt, a come on. (I’m not interested. You’d make a shite babysitter.)
But instead I’m going to THANK YOU MASSIVELY for following every single, glamourous INCH of my life. Thank you for reading every single blog, watching my new little Vlogs (there’s more to come, so stay tuned, i’ll send you a signed picture for free) and thank you for following it all so closely. Actually means a lot. You really do have great taste , poor judgement, but really great taste…and I couldn’t thank you enough, for helping me up that giant ladder of SUCCESS. Yipppee! I’m having the actual time of my life because of people like you following my life religiously and I couldn’t thank you enough! *You’ve made me more popular.* (I’ll buy you a drink for it.)