D is for DRAMA…

 

Ruby made ‘hotel night’ worth it, otherwise it would’ve been a pointless waste of money. I had booked the evening before because I wanted my little baby bundle of daughter to fulfill her wish of going to a fun, but luxury swimming pool. (The ‘fun’ parts for her. The ‘luxury’ part is for me and simple because I really can’t do a community leisure centre. 🙂 ) Rubes adores going swimming…and at the same time adores a hotel. (I’ve taught her well.) Anyway, I booked it and I also thought it would be a good treat for my husband, who for the past month been miserable, stressed, tired and lost.

The day of ‘Hotel night’ Ruby skipped into nursery in utter excitement, boasting with giddiness with the knowledge of the evening she had planned ahead. Fun! Fun! Fun! When you’re a mum and you see your loin fruit that excited about anything…it kinda gives you what I call ‘the mummy glow,’ any mum who doesn’t get that ‘glow’ isn’t a proper mum. I shouldn’t really leave the daddies out should I? But there’s a ‘daddy glow’ also. I’m feeling sexist today.

But yeah…Keiran…couldn’t be bothered with ‘hotel night.’ He had far too much stress to nurture and far too much work to find important.  He radiated a joyous (excuse my sarcasm) attitude of ‘can’t be arsed-ness,’ which sort of made me feel down because like anyone, if you’ve planned something for the family to enjoy, you kinda hope that the family will…well….enjoy it. Keiran’s *busy-busy* annoyance turned my dolly eyes ‘dim’ and took the bounce out of my brightness. I was grumpy all morning…and when you add a period to all  that pokery, it’s exceptionally delightful. *Reaches for her tampons.*

Now, I don’t mind being being moody and stressed provided they don’t make ME moody and stressed and they are ab,e to laugh it off, or spearate work stress from home life…which is a trait that my husband fails to learn. The evening before, he should’ve just stated that he didn’t wish to go on a ‘Hotel Night,’ because he was far too busy. But he didn’t. I asked. He agreed. I paid. Done.

I was no longer excited, because he was acting weird. I was then acting weird and well i wanted to pick the children up from nursery early drive them over there and treat them to an extra long swim, lunch, play area session and all sorts, with dinner. I wanted to leave at 1pm, to check in at 2pm. He knew this. So at 1.28pm, he tells me that he has a massage booked for 3pm. WHAT! I was so fed up with him by this point, because he wanted me to go ahead and pick the children up without him, as he would rock up later. That’s not family time. Neither is a massage. That’s not even WORK.

In my pissed- offiddness, I simply say ‘Yeah, yeah, whatever, we’ll go after your massage,’ and I felt really bad for Ruby because nursery had gotten her all excited for the family swimming pool adventure. She loves us all to be there and she loves a good old time. My heart sank. 🙁 Then i resented him.

He comes back at 4.20pm, does more work, packs a bag, grooms…whatever else he found more important than family and then we picked the children up, no, not at 1.30pm, but at 5.30pm.  I was no longer excited, almost heart broken. But seeing Ruby’s little ‘i’m going swimming ‘ face pulled me out of the slum ad got me back in action. Every day she saves my life. Lol 🙂

I drove everyone to the hotel. checked in, Keiran muddled the children and the bags in, still being grumpy and half distant with the family. He sort of blocked Ruby & I out and palmed us off with fake smiles, or just moodiness.

As soon as we got to the room, which was lovely might I add, Ruby changed into her swim suit, I whopped on my leopard print bikini,  for some reason Keiran and I  couldn’t come up with a plan of action. I kept asking him what was going on and all he would say was well I want to work out, go to the steam room and then do my…(all I heard was ‘I…I…I…me….me…ME.’

He asked me what was going on…I told him I was taking Ruby swimming…and I did. I even spoke to the lady at the leisure, spa desk to see if Junior was allowed to come. He was..we thought he wouldn’t be, so instead of Keiran sitting in a room looking after Junior, which he hated..whilst Ruby & I had fun, I figured he could come to the pool also with Junior and take part in ‘family swim time.’ Didn’t quite work out that way…

Rubes and I went into the baby pool did the baby jet springs, the slide, swimming, played with the Ruby duckies in a private glassed-off section. Keiran comes about half an hour later, a bit more chipper because now he can do whatever it is HE WANTED to do. I let him simply because he would’ve been miserable otherwise. In my world, the children’s needs come first. I mean, holy shit, I was having a period. THE LAST THING I WANTED TO DO WAS GO SWIMMING. I would’ve liked to have chilled and got rubbed down, or sat in a hot tub. But no, I did the whole whack with her and simply because she loved it. #mummytrophyplease

Anyway, he dropped Junior off and went off to do his own thing, which was fine, it made everything better. Junior was asleep the entire time, Ruby played, giggled and delighted in splashing me and I pouted and winked in a leopard ‘whatsit.’ In my world, family time’ is about ‘Family.’ You sacrifice what you might want to do, to have these moments of family. But i don’t push people to do anything, I let them make their own decisions, which is always bad I think with folk who have ventured out of the armed forces. I actually had this conversation with a police woman yesterday. She said, from a very young age, the people in the special forces, are told what to do, what to wear, where to go…they don’t have to thin for themselves. (her sons in the Navy.) Coming out into a world where they are responsible for their own choices scares them…because they are them also held responsible for the consequences of their actions…personally. I didn’t know they got told what to do all the time? Maybe that’s why Keiran went through a giant rebellion of ‘I’ll do what I want, when I want.’ Who knows? But whatever…it was shit.

After swim time, my 2 year old had had enough and wanted to get changed. I looked after the two of them, got Ruby dried and changed, then we all chilled in the bar lounge area waiting for ‘daddy’ as Ruby played in the soft play area. SHE LOVED IT.

It felt like ages…and Keiran wanted us to wait for him. Rubes was knackered…swimming does that to you. Junior was hungry…he was crying his eyes out…after waiting and waiting..which isn’t long in adult time, but mighty long in 2 yr old time, we left and I took then both back to the hotel room for a feed, water and a bed time. It’s hard work carrying Junior around in a car seat cradle at the same time as running after Rubes. I have rubbish working arms. I’m not strong. But since Keiran was nowhere to be found..i did it myself anyway.

We even had to miss dinner, because it was all too late. Hence why i wanted to get to the hotel much much EARLY. I’m not an idiot, I do make sense.

The kiddies pass out and Keiran eventually gets back to the room, after calling me and being angry that i didn’t text him to tell him we were back on the room. In Wunnaland, there was no time for texting. I was doing ‘family’ hour with the kids…Rubes was being hilariously nutty and I was chasing her madly. I left a message with the attendants..who didn’t tell him.

By the time he got back, the evening was over…

He felt the whole of family time ‘DOING HIM.’ He wanted to do ‘family time’ when it suited him and not when it suited Rubes.

I’m angry at him, but we’re getting along. He orders a chinese takeaway and we just go to bed. The only thing that made that entire evening and morning awesome, was RUBES and her mad happiness. She adores breakfast in a hotel. All the staff end up loving her and she flaunts around smiling and waving at them like they’re fans. 🙂 She even went up to reception and said, ‘I’ve done a smelly poo.’ 🙂 Hurrah!

The next morning, Keiran was moody, stressed ,didn’t want to do much and moaning about his work load. He also didn’t feel well, so I took him to the Doctors, who booked him in for a chest x-ray.

The Doctor had actually told him that if he didn’t calm down and wasn’t able to find a balance and make ‘free time’ enjoyable, he wouldn’t make it until the end of the year. I have my own idea of why he’s ill all the time.No-one that ill and tired for that long. But yeah..i was supernice to him that day and simply because I felt bad for him. He was hideous to me all day and complaining that I was ‘nice’ to him. He felt like I was up to something.

His whole ‘you’re up to something’ notion is now pissing me off. If i’m a bitch, i’m ‘up to something.’ If i’m nice…i’m up to something. If i’m breathing, i’m up to something. If i’m texting…i’m up to something. I dont like tabs and being accused of things that don’t relate to me, nor to I enjoy being checked up on, nor do I enjoy people with those personality types because usually THEY’RE the ones who are up to something and their own guilt reflects onto you. They push it on you..and i have no idea why?

Long story short, the day ends badly, really badly. He gets more and more stressed. The only time he wasn’t stressed was when he was laid on the sofa watching some movie about ‘The Rock’ being a Tooth fairy. Have you seen it? It’s actually quite cute. I love movies right now. I used to hate them when I was younger but maybe because Mike used to lovingly force me to watch movie after movie after movie all the time. 🙂 I appreciate that time NOW, that i’m older. In fact due to that time, i now have excellent taste in films. Yeah Baby. And I do what the ones with him in them, even though I think he’s a better actor than what I’ve seen on screen.

The afternoon went sour. Really sour.

There i was texting Wazza about a new dating site that I’m wanting to do. We’d both been trying to find a domain name that hadn’t been registered, but OMG it was being impossible. I was on my pink laptop searching frantically..and as I was, down trundles Keiran all ‘busy-busy-work-busy’…all stressed and well nothing new or original.

I don’t know what’s happened, but he finds a scrap of paper to write on and on that scrap of paper is a number for a debt management company, that I now know my MUM had somewhere in the house, when she was writing it down for a friend at work. It was even ON her work’s paper. (She actually came over yesterday evening completely upset because she felt responsible for it all and like it was her fault. Someone elses anger management problems are not HER fault.)

Anyway, he angrily half enters the room with his body, holding up this random bit of paper that I had never seen in my life and begins saying, ‘WHAT’S THIS? THIS IS YOURS! IT’S YOUR WRITING. YOU’RE IN DEBT AND YOUR HIDING IT FROM ME.’ But he was by now being evil. I told him that it wasn’t my writing and I had never even seen it in my entire LIFE.

I mean whocares??? It’s nothing to do with me. But no, he couldn’t take my answer and kept pressing it and pressing it and even Googled it like an idiot, that I had finally had enough, I got up and told him to quit accusing me of EVERYTHING and him finding a random scrap of paper with writing on it and finding an excuse to fight, was like ME going through all his business cards from women and stating that he was sleeping with them all. How stupid!

AGAIN…like the incident before, he was stressed and he wanted to fight so he found the smallest thing, let his stress and insecurity come up with a story, because he thinks he knows everything…and he took it out on ME. Bu the went to far. I’d had enough. If i’m smiling, he questions it. If I’m upset, he hates it. How messed up in the head must he be to be like that.

Lets just say he took his stress out on me to a point where my ‘Wunna’ line of tolerance had been stepped over. I was crying. He was being angry. Then 2o minutes later, he was sat alone, in a place, where he was left to ponder the consequences  of such idiotic behaviour. You don’t mess with me, try and be smug, be completely wrong and then think i’m weak and won’t stand my ground. *Wrong Answer.* AND ALL WOMEN SHOULD BE THAT WAY. Don’t let a foolish male walk all over you and think that they are mighty. I even said to him, ‘Just because you feel a loss of control and small, don’t try and make me feel tiny to boost your ego.’  Real men makes things better. Not worse. Little boys do that.

I actually had a busy night.

When he left, I got my beautiful little kiddiwinks…and we had the BEST family night  ever. I had to be on the phone for parts of it and I had  numerous visitors…but Rubes, Junior & I cuddled, giggled and enjoyed. Grandma came over to make ‘Mummy’ smile. It was an emotional evening…again not good when you add a period.

Later that evening when both children had gone to bed and I was re-watching’ ‘The social network’ (I love that movie) i got a late night phone call explaining things to me, what I wanted and what I felt. I had phone calls all evening, that kept me in the loop of things. THEN much later on, I was read something down the phone and well I was highly displeased with what my ears were HEARING. It was a aural copy of the words that had splurted out of my darling husbands mouth, in regards to myself, my manner and his opinion of me.

From…that point i knew that i could never trust him with the art of truth telling. He’s a man who will do whatever it takes to get what he wants in life and win. He’ll say and do ANYTHING, even if it’s inaccurate and i’ve been through this with him millions of times to win.

That hurt me and I cried…and I cried because 20 minutes early I had made a decision on something that would help him, because I didn’t want him to be hurt. So whilst I was trying to cushion his fall, he was trying to stab me in the back.

I’ll never forget what he said and how he tried to manipulate a situation and well you all know how much i’ve been through this behaviour, with s#silly boy’ men…and whether we get passed it all and iron it all out. Or whether we don’t…now, my eyes are open and what they’re seeing, they are not really liking. How sly!

This morning I was going to relax and give him the benefit of the doubt. I asked him to briefly talk to me…he didn’t have time to, because he wanted to work and ignore me. He then dismissed it until next week when he is ready. He didn’t even respect me enough to turn around and look at me when I was talking. In that moment i felt better than him.

He’s lost sight of the things that are important in life. It’s not my fault he’s stressed. But he made it my fault. He always hates it when I blog bits like this about him, but this is MY truth and well you always have to be weary of men who say that. Now, i know why… But do know, that you read above is only a third of the actual story. It’s already highly edited. This IS the edited version to me. Yet he still tried to use it against me. #Tut #Tut# Badform. #didn’twin

I’m also now concerned because that was quite a hoo-haa over my financial situation, wasn’t it? My finances are quite jolly right now and i’m very cautious of a gent or people in general who are soooo terribly worried or concerned about MY money. It’s like he thinks that if it’s not being spent on him then it can’t really be there? Odd concept. Where I come from…boys usually do the spending. He splurges on me now again, but now i think he does it simply just to attempt to keep me sweet. Like I said, that’s an awful lot of hoo-haa the dosh of another. So it’s left me questioning his motives. Was it about money? Or was it about stress?

But anyhow, he’s now gone for a week of work. He’s away. I’m excited for the bank holiday and can’t wait to spend every moment of it with my babies. 🙂 🙂 🙂 I feel free and even though I don’t feel protected or truly loved in a romantic manner right now… (He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t even care. I’m not even worth listening to. 🙁 ) I’m still really grateful for all that have…I’m not just good looks and boobies anymore. 🙂 *Wink-wink* Oh shut up! 🙂 I’m thankful, I have my priorities right, I’m lucky and tomorrow i have a ginormous interview. That’s the good thing  about me, I get over my pity party fast..and cling onto a better time. I never forget how to smile…even during the toughest times. I can laugh it off…with my fingers crossed and a wish is floating on some star.

I have one job keeping me waiting. I have Keiran making the wrong decision to keep me waiting because I wasn’t worth his ear time this morning..My simple and straight answer to all of that is…

I’m Chrissie Wunna.

I don’t wait a week. He’s hurt me now..and I feel betrayed, as if you exaggerate something and try to use something against someone that you claim to actually care about. ;( Only bad eggs do that. Y’know, it’s unfortunate because we’re best friends and he’s really great at doing the romantic part, which makes me think that he adores me. But when it comes to the messing up part, he’s never ever man enough to just turn around, look me in the in eye when he’s been wrong and simply say ‘I’m sorry,’ but mean it, with all of his heart.  When you’ve been a previous trouble maker, you can tell a real ‘sorry’ from a pretend ‘sorry.’ He never gives me a real ‘sorry’ when he’s well and truly ballsed up.

 

So to all of you who may be going through a bit of a struggle, stress or hard time, find the light at the end of the tunnel, in you forget to smell the roses on your journey that’s YOUR OWN FAULT and only YOU can change it, but the first thing to realize is that you have to see fault, own it, be responsible for it. The just slap a plaster and keep on smiling. Then you can shake it off and gallop ahead to success.

I’m gonna do well and because I can feel it in every inch of my system right now. I’m excited. Fold away a bad time and focus on the good and make magic happen…and rum cocktails.

There’s beauty in struggle…but kind of only if you get it right in the end. 🙂

 

 

 

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