Court, Co-Parenting & Being Mama

Right. This wasn’t easy.

So Junior’s now back. He did 7 sleeps away from home, with his Dad, Keiran. (Who’s my ex-husband. We’ve been going through mediation & court etc… between haven’t been able to see eye to eye.) Juniors actually really happy and because of that so am I!! 

 Nothing has been ‘on paper’ solved, for Keiran yet. Therefore, as a good will gesture, (I say it in that manner, simply because it’s away from everything official and annoying…) a personal contact arrangement was made, for Summer. 

It’s a build rapports in the sunshine, than in the rain. 

I believe that two grown adults, responsible for a child should be able to communicate without the use of a court room… I believe that, because those two grown adults, should be able to put everything negative aside & listen to the needs of their little one. A third party, who doesn’t know you, the other parent or the child in question….A STRANGER, shouldn’t have to make a parenting decision for you. ( I’m laughing because I find that nutty.) 

Plus, I also dislike that in such situations (and ours isn’t serious, it’s simply an adjustment of contact) some officials believe that a child, can’t have feelings or rights for themselves. My children have nothing but feelings…and I give them the respect,  strength and opportunity to express how they feel and to not be afraid to speak their mind. Out of school they often have no filter and I’m okay with that. As they get older, they’ll understand their own use of ‘filters.’ 

Anyway… I’m getting distracted, it actually all worked out for Junior and I’m happy. We all are now. Bottom line, Keiran should’ve called me and asked to speak to me, to arrange something more appropriate, instead of thinking he was all clever and that mediation or a courtroom would help. I’m not a disagreeable person. We’ve never had a problem with co-parenting ever! (That goes for both Fathers.) When you have a co-parenting problem it’s because internal feelings of your relationship have not been closed or resolved. 

Obviously, he didn’t get what he wished for in mediation. He didn’t get what he wished for in court. It’s not even over yet…and i’m personally having to spend £700, a go. That’s £700 each court visit & surely that wasted money? Surely, he realises that that’s money that should get spent on the children & not wasted on a solicitor? Surely he should stop sending me to court, right? Surely this is burning a hole in his pocket? Surely, he’s grown up enough to make it all stop?

Surely! Surely! Surely! Haha!! Lord help me! 

(Do note: This isn’t a ‘hate on’ blog. At 38, I wouldn’t do that. It’s a moment of much needed expression, so nobody has to ask me about it anymore. And I want this particular situation to inspire others. Keiran actually had lots of great things to offer. Underneath a bundle of ‘all of a sudden’ religion & a heartbreaking childhood, he’s a good man and a decent father. I wouldn’t have married a bad human. Junior’s actually very lucky. He’ll never go without.) 

I feel like I ‘Mother’ Keiran. For some reason, he had to meet me in his life…and he’ll know me forever due to Junior. But my Mother & I are the only two people, to actually ‘yo’ him out. Junior is the only person in the entire world that he’ll do anything for. Literally anything. I always say, Ruby is just like me. Junior is just like his Father. 

Me: ‘Y’know, if you both actually did stuff together that you BOTH naturally loved. You’d have the most wonderful relationship.’ 

I mean even the agreement that he has in place now, over the Summer Holidays has been personally made…WITHOUT the use of a court. So, that means we’ve wasted so much money already & our solicitors are back in on August 7th. It’s something that a chat could’ve arranged. 

To me…that’s irresponsible parenting. 

Anyway….

I listened to everyone involved…both Keiran and Junior and felt  it was positive that they both bonded during the Summer Holidays, & did more Daddy/Son stuff…to build a better rapport & balance. Y’know, do child appropriate stuff, that doesn’t  involve religion. (Keiran is a die hard Jehovah’s Witness now. He used to be what I call an ‘Ibiza party boy’ and ‘in the Army.’ Junior loves his Dad. But just wants to do ‘normal Daddy stuff’ with him.) 

I admit that the Baby Daddy’s have it hard, because both Ruby & Junior are SO close and so happy at home, that having to do ‘Daddy visits’ as they’ve grown up, has become less of a priority to them…and well…I think they compare lifestyles. They compare Wunna Land to ‘Daddy Land’ and because at 8 & 6 it’s not as appealing to them…they don’t prioritise it. I don’t encourage that. Their relationship with their fathers is really important. Yet, their Father’s need to step up their game. 

Ruby: ‘Why would we ever want to leave here when we have everything we want?? It’s so fun!!! It’s like some kind of weird chore you make us do!! Do your homework!!! Go see Dad, or he’ll be sad.’ 

Me: ‘You’re both gonna need your Daddies one day. You’ll appreciate them. You’re so lucky that they both want to see you so badly. Some children don’t have that.’ 

Ruby: ‘I’ve watched you. You have me and Junior by yourself and it’s great. I can do that too when I’m older. I don’t know why we even need…

Me: ‘I don’t have a husband….I don’t need one. You’re right. BUT I have a really great Dad. ;)’ 

Ruby: ‘I should see him when I want to & not just because I feel bad. He should respect that….’

Anyway… you get it! It’s nuts. Ruby is so grown emotionally. 

Both Dads have lovely things to offer. Pete’s rubbish with money, but kind & respectful. Keiran gets lost in phases, but is extremely thoughtful. 

Back to the tale…

Junior started to feel devastated when he had to go to his Fathers. because well Junior’s 6 & not a Jehovah’s Witness. He’s been raised in Wunna Land for crying out loud. He’s the opposite. And having the ‘Jehovah’ beliefs forced upon him wasn’t his favourite. 

But it wouldn’t be would it. 

I mean, no-one loves birthdays, parties, Christmas and everything in between than Junior. No-one in the world! Celebrating Christmas is his favourite thing!!! He’s already doing a Christmas countdown. Obviously that goes against his Fathers beliefs. But I want to underline ‘Fathers beliefs.’ Juniors beliefs are different. 

Keiran hadn’t been able to see Junior since January…as I guess, he had put religion before him. But I think that time…did everyone good. Junior (who was behind) excelled in school, won the scroll, became confident. I was happy that he was happy. The teachers were happy. We were all happy. 

I was summoned to mediation etc…I fought for my son’s rights and won. I stuck by the fact that I believed their bond & contact was important. I never stopped it. 

However, non-religious, child appropriate time needed to occur between them. Go to the park. Watch a movie. Ride quad bikes. Build a castle…Y’know whatever! Make happy memories with each other, that you’ll both remember, when he’s older. Keiran will value that because of the problems he has with his own Father. Junior will value that time with love! Ruby never does, but Junior will always ask me to show him old pictures that have him, his dad and I on. He loves it. Juniors an emotional boy. He loves love. 

Junior: ‘When I marry, I’m going to love her forever.’

Ruby: ‘I don’t believe in marriage. It’s not about real love.’ 

It’s so weird how differently they see things. 

Anyway…

Ruby & Junior are used to doing so much with me, that the transition to Daddy’s world and then back to Wunna Land was too much on Baby J. It was like he was forced to lead a double life. He loves us both madly. Yet he withdrew from opening up. He withdrew from being confident. He lost his independent streak. 

Something needed to change. He needed a clean slate & a reboot. 

This is instead of teaching him the Bible, about how scary Satan is and other ‘I’m 6 and do not need to be filled with fear, because I’m not lost’ stuff. 

Anyway, long story short…Junior has never been away from me for that long, with no contact. 

He did his first ever big stint with Daddy… I tried to stick by the ‘Everything Happens for a reason’ motto. I have faith in life and people.

He came home yesterday at 3pm… Keiran was happy as can be. Junior was happy as can be. Ruby was happy as can be. I was happy as can be….

It was in that moment that I knew everything was going to be okay. (It made me fill up. I’m actually sat in Ego, writing this blog trying not to cry. Haha! I’m pathetic.) 

It was in that moment that I knew everything was going to be okay….

It was like an entire burden had been lifted. It was like Keiran & I had finally ‘got it.’ Junior was smiling. That’s all that mattered. 

We found a new respect for each other… So yes, everything seems okay right now. 

But oh my gosh…those last 6 sleeps sent me bonkers….

…and let me tell you what happened!!! 

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