Cha Ching My Vagina

Reading ‘Reveal’…which is a double bumper of gossip this week and yet the most interesting thing, in the entire magazine is a small lettery box, telling us mere hungry gossip monging whores- How to use your credit card.

They claim that one should use a credit card to ‘scrape away a bee sting’ (they ARE being serious and not funny) to limit the amount of poison entering your system. I’m not being an arse or anything, but i can honestly think of 202 Sexier ways to use a flipping credit card!! And not ONE of the 202 ways…includes buzzy bees!! Yet some do involve ‘stings’ but more in the vaginal area. (You can do that thing where you slip it through Vagina lips and gleefully screech ‘Cha Ching!’) Then as if that wasn’t terrifying enough. ‘Reveal’ then suggests, you grab an onion (like you do,) slice it and start rubbing it on the ‘sting.’ Therefore, if i got stung by a bee, on my bum (ooh it’s like a tongue twister)…I would have to pull down my pants, scrape my arse with my Capital One, then grab the onion (that I always keep in my purse) and  start rubbing it on my stinging, throbby bare bottom…so I don’t DIE!!

I mean COME ON ‘Reveal’ are you THAT hard up for celebrity gossip!! You’re meant to filling the pages with trashy celebrity no panties shots and going on about Ange and Brad and how starlet number one looks fat in her dress. Saving our bee stung lives, with Credit cards??? Who writes this bollocks?? I paid a whole 99p for this Double Bumper!! The only ‘Double bump’ about the whole thing was the fact that i couldn’t read the page, without having to peek over my ‘jubblies.’

If your gonna use a credit card…fuck bee stings! Use it wisely, like on ‘good times,’ hookers, blow, boob jobs,  a fricking  trolley load of horny gorillas, dirty pornography and a blow up doll of Margaret Thatcher! What is this world coming too!!! (wink)

Chrissie Wunna

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