Can’t Touch This!

I feel delicious this morning, really happy and it has everything to do with the fact that i’ve just boogied like a demon on top of the bonnet of a strangers car to ‘Rock DJ’ by Robbie Williams. I don’t think i’ve heard a happier song. It’s simply a classic must hear, for retarded Springtime behaviour, in neon yellow booty shorts, boob jobs and carefully tied polka dot scarves around the head. It’s almost as genius as ‘Can’t touch this.’ Yet, it kinda still needs to be played for a few more years before it reaches the lofty heights of MC Hammer Greatness. ( I actually do an excellent MC Hammer impression. It really is quite a treat for the eyes.)

Life is great. I feel like screaming with merriment from oddly shaped rooftops. I feel somewhat FREE after cutting a tie of negative energy last night with the BBM boy that i was arguing with. A burden has been lifted and i feel like i can soar. I’ve dropped off some baggage and my system feels energized. I tend to travel light…but i guess that’s because there’s always someone else carrying my bags. I merely strut infront, in shades and squeezy tight lycra, with heels to die for and a ‘snap’ that makes most boys pander to my every delicious need. (Then i fall over and hit reality with a heavily awkward ”Thud.’ I love it. It’s my life.)

I’ve spent the morning talking to ‘Latin Lover’ in LA, who was standing at a bus stop at 3am, after a 12 hour shift at work. I think my purpose was to ‘pass the time’ during his journey home. I’m great at this because i fill the space with useless facts about myself and very sweet ‘I love yous.’ We came to the executive decision that i was born to be a ‘Lady of Leisure.’ Just someone that  lives her life quite wonderfully and looks amazing as she does so. I mean it’s what i’ve done anyway (haha) so i might as well keep up the good work. I’m happiest when i’m a ‘lady of leisure’ who does as she pleases, without a care in the world. It works for me.

Men are starting to act really weirdly around me. They’re asking me all kinds of bizarre questions? I had one sweaty palmed gentleman, ask me whether it was okay for him to look at my Facebook pictures?? It isn’t what he said, but more the way he said it, like i was his baggy vagina’ed Mother or a crotchless pantied Dominatrix. Obviously if there are pictures of me placed on a PUBLIC site. You are free to look at them, without my permission. I think he was just attempting to start up a random conversation? He made himself seem so unmanly. Sent a ‘squirm’ down my spine. Boys, try to refrain from sounding pervy 3 lines in.

Other than that i was talking to this dreamboat of a shirtless, italian stallion, in tight shorts… on MSN last night. Oh Lord he was delicious and a flirty little bugger at that. He’s invited me to be his ‘other half’ in life. Automatically, i was turned off. (Haha.) However, he is still a feast and we shall definitely be friends in the future. I’m such a pervert. It’s GREATNESS! I’m destined for wonderful things. If i ever go to Italy ‘Fernando’ will be definitely on my arm. However, i did think he asked if i had ‘asian orgasms,’ when it actually read ‘asian origins.’ I got a bit excited for nothing. Tragic!

Okay so my 15 year old Wunnarettes are doing me so PROUD! I’m loving them right now. They are all ‘Rocking the Sexy’ and filling up with that much needed ‘Va Voom’ of confidence. I talk to a lot of young girls, (oh-er…how Gary Glitter of me) because i want to inspire them to be strong and comfortable in their own skin. There’s a few i talk to everyday…kinda like a big sister. And they all come to me with there problems. I enjoy playing a rubbish version of ‘Jim’ll fix it.’

As of right now, they are getting thrown out of P.E classes, having inappropriate crushes on P.E teachers, having problems with boys of the teenage variety who are asking to see their boobies, being in love with celebrities, getting called ‘Sluts’ and well one of them ‘Niki’ was asked to write an essay about 2 of her idols. Yes bitches, she chose a really fit Wrestler and then she chose ME!!! Yes, ME GODDAMIT!!! I ofcourse love this, as now the kiddies are writing about the works of The Wunna and why she is GREATNESS! I really am ruining the innocent children of our nation. Ah well…at least they’ll be hot.

Can’t touch this!

13 thoughts on “Can’t Touch This!”

  1. kids writing essays about you,what’s next? lol,i haven t partied since my mid 20s and I’m 37 now,I’m an old man,I’m pretty sure my body could handle it as i run about 10 miles daily outdoors and i don’t drink,i found out when i was younger that i was able to have as much fun if not more sober in clubs and parties,but i noticed that there as fewer attractive women when i stopped drinking and then realized the alcohol i consumed was what made so many women attractive lol,by the way i didn’t stop drinking because i was alcoholic,i just hated the nasty taste of alcohol all my life but i forced it down for the fun buzz and at some point i just got sick and bored with it,same thing happened with late night partying,well,that’s boring old me lol,on the rare times i go out now i spend a quiet night sitting at the bar of a local strip club drinking milk,yes you heard me,milk,i got sick of everything else

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  2. How funny! Its not the drinking part that gets to me, its the lack of sleep and no eating part. I always forget to eat before i go out, so i end up running on empty, which is really quite SHIT the morning after. I’m changing my ways and getting healthy for a wee bit. Still going out, just doing it right…hahah and not til the earliest of mornings.

    I can’t believe you drink milk…in strip clubs. How odd, yet hilarious. Do strippers like milk?

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  3. Randy orton?
    John cena?
    Fit wrestlers ;D

    I remember the days of PE teacher crushes! Haha 🙂 andtrying not to get too excited while the rest of my male year got changed around me :p

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  4. the strippers were always asking me what i was drinking as they looked at my glass and smiled when i told them but that’s pretty much it,except the waiter/bouncer at this one strip club,he just froze smiling with this look of amazement when i asked for milk when he came to our table,he said “for real?,really?”

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  5. I love all your responses! What a mesh of different personalities…ahaha. I love Scratches ‘I like beer’ in the middle of all the ‘Tom Foolery.’

    Danyal- It was John Cena! How lucky were you!! Boys changing room parade. (Swoon) I never fancied my P.E teacher. She was female and called Miss.Hoar

    Patrick- Theres something pervy about a man that drinks milk in strip clubs hahaha. Love it

    Reply
  6. well beer is good i cant get involved in talking about good looking geezers if u were asking wich birds had the best tits i would be bang involved, but i do like beer

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