Buddha, Cocktail Umbrellas & Sneezes

I’m currently sat in an incense misted room of fog, eating a potatoe cake and sipping a cuppa tea, whilst i write this blog from the home of another. To my left is 6 baby sized candles, in glass balls that beckon strangers seductively, 26 idols from exotic lands of hope, golden curved treaures, Burmese flags, a magical wooden box of mystery and an A5 sized framed picture of my ‘not alive anymore’ grandparents, who don’t look very happy to say that they’re now worshipped and placed in candlelight by idols! (Can you all send me pictures of your Chrissie Wunna shrines please. Thankyou.)

To my right is…9 multi-coloured cocktail umbrellas, that have been formed into a long pointy tree shape, taped up (oh noooo, i need a ‘stop cruelty to all cocktail umbrella’ campaign..the ‘SCACU‘-sounds like a jungle STD,) and well they’ve been wedged, into a long thin glass vase, that opens out at the bottom…like a ball. There’s a metal bell, with flowers on it…on no, it’s birds? A toilet roll, two screw drivers, a couple of angel chreubs made out of clay, (You know, the type you can buy from Argos for £5.99, or go the the pound shop and get for 50p each,) there’s fruit, an array of bouquets, the Laughing buddha, a homeless seashell, a money sorting machine, (Movie Star Mike once bought me one of those for Christmas..) a bunch of pansies and 4 plates of mangos…again surrounded in candles! I can’t decide whether i’m imagining this?

Now, i’m not sure if i’m supposed to be in here, but I’m Chrissie Wunna…I’m not banned from anywhere…but G.A.Y. 🙂 [Applaud here.] I felt like it would be an interesting place to blog. However now i’m pissed off because my hair smells like insence…a smell that does not comliment a Glamour Puss. I want to smell like delicious candy filled gummy pieces of ‘Mmmm…,’ not like i’ve been dragged through an Indian brothel, where an orgy MIGHT have taken placed by snake charmers! (Shit, i’ve lost my cuppa tea!)

Other than that, i woke up to my phone being thrust into my face ( i was in that lovely half/half stage of wake up, where you aren’t really sure who’s stood infront of you yet, let alone who might be laying to your left.) Apparently, it was time for me to pay my phone bill, which a job i always do by phone. I don’t really set up Direct Debits because I enjoy knowing where my money has gone. I find that even though Direct Debits are definitely easier…like most things in life…they’re not always better! (Boys, i might be easy, but i assure you…you won’t get charged per month!…If you’re hot. 🙂 )

Anyway, OMG, how hard is it to pay your phone bill now!!! I must have taken at least 14 automated service wrong turns. I started the journey somewhat merry and ended it with ANGER! Oh my WORD!! ‘Press 1, Press 2, Hang up…’) Kill me! I want people. Human beings that i can politely talk to and then yell at! After approximately 27 mintues of a robot telling me i was worthless, but he still wanted my money. I finally and rather aggressively pressed every button at once, whilst muttering swear words..( my muttering is very lous…kinda like shouting) and there you go…i finally got through to a human! Woohoo! It as a sign from God assuring me that violence is completely fine.

The Human at T-Mobile was moderately pleasant and then tried to tell me that my phone bill was £459. There was a *pause* and then a prepped silence ready for my big *yell.* (Hahah…Oh god i’m awful AND i was ironing a Tae Kwon Doe outift.) I’m not sure what happened, but i remember shouting ‘£459!! NO WAY! You’re ridiculous!!! That’s it!! I’m…‘ Then the poor chap stopped me nervously and said, ‘Sorry Miss Wunna, but I actually said £59…for £59.’ Oopsie! (The previous robot of automated had revved me up to this stage of merry insanity! That robot reminded me of Jonny…a complete wind-up merchant idiot.) I paid this months and my next bill a coming…and then we all held hands, and galloped through the fields of happiness. Why do they make it so hard for you to pay for bills, yet bug you like you’re going to get thrown into a pit of ugly horny perverts if you don’t! I never pay mine on time…and simply to piss them off. I do it with a smile on my face! I always know Ihave the money, so I make THEM sweat it out, and do some work. I make them annoy me, and get all heated. I let them talk to me irrationally and smother me with empty threats, then happily i’ll say, ‘Oh look..yeah, just take it from my card! No problem. Thankyou. Oh and NO, i don’t wanna set up a Direct Debit. Bye! 🙂 ‘

Last night, I went to Aagrah, and enjoyed the deliciousness of Indian food. I’m on  diet so i ate sparingly. But I was with my darling Mother, who was lovely and soooo cute. We’re getting along really well right now, after a bit of a shocker..and I guess all i can say is new cars and popadoms really DO make you happy. It was all smiles, chandeliers, and bhuna! We get great service in there because the owners son, adores us. I’m their fave customer of infamy. (‘Aah here’s our little celebrity!’) I enjoy anyone who plays up to my ego. It means they’re smart and will always get what they want! *Wiggle-wink!*

The music in there was certainly of the hip shaking variety. It’s often hard to eat your lemon rice to the beats of exotic drums. Not because it’s annoying, but because i’m a Glamour Puss, and when i hear those drums, then my audience awaits me! You pretty much had to strap my booty DOWN, in order to prevent me from making a prize fool out of myself. I would have wound and jiggled my *junk* in every curry eating Himbos face! Oooh i loved it. I love music, i love passion, i love showing off, and being a dickhead. What more could a Wunna of wanted…but diamonds!

Anyhow, i will tell you that i only *jiggled*at the table and not out on show. I don’t want you to filed that under ‘decency,‘ I mean how dare you..why would you? But i will let you file it under ‘because there was not a big enough crowd.’ Attention whores KNOW when it’s worth *jiggling.* I didn’t drink at all last night. I had water. Yes, the devils juice! Water is more harmful to my system them anything. It enters my body and it’s like some foriegn poisionous unknown substance, that my body cannot handle. It even made my Mother talk about all the nurses my Daddy ‘boned’ in Doncaster! Now my pernts are ‘good to do’ and not remotely chavvy, making it extra funny when they decide to talk about their previous sexual conquests! (We’ve always been open about sex in our family and our historys. My parents felt it was important for us to KNOW their person stories of life, in order to create ours!)Bottom line, i’ve never drank so little in my LIFE!!!

So today the World cup is all a *go-go* as England play Slovenia or something?? God knows what? But they’re not ding very well. I mean where’s their drive, their determination, their passion. Without it you can’t do anything. The people that do well in life are the ones that posesses this ‘Umph’ naturally. I do and i’m on FIRE!! (Ooh i’m getting a *flashback* of the sparkler that was jabbed into a choccy cake last night. I love bitty sparkler flames. I find them sexy!!!)

Y’know, I haven’t watched Big Brother much at ALL this year. I didn’t last year either? Infact hardly anyone is. Maybe it’s because we’re all actually finding things to do now, that don’t consist of sitting infront of the telly. It’s a good thing, i’m sure. However, I am a big fan of the show, and well hopefully i’ll stay in a night, to watch a bit more of it. (I swear on my life, i’ve actually lost my cuppa tea and believe that Buddha has taken it.)

Loverboys currently instructing a boy from South Africa to drive right this second. He finishes at 10am and is then going to ‘Holla’ at me for a ‘hangout.’ I’ve running late and need a shower. I think i was meant to be ready by 10am, but it’s now 9.47am..and i still look like the Wicked witch of…China? I can’t smell of incense on my ‘hangout’  and have him sneeze all over me. I’m over his sneezing now. It’s getting a bit much. If you have hayfever…than stay the *&%*$^£ indoors! 🙂

Have a Booty-full Wednesday!

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