I enjoy pretending that my waters have broken by the warm chicken counter at Morrisons, in Pontefract. I’d usually commit to such Tom Foolery simply for attention. However, that was
‘Wunna 2006’ doll. Now i’ve grown up a little and therefore figured i’d only pull delicious stunts of inappropriate humour, in order to frighten people. Woohoo! In this case Loverboy was my vicitm. (Oh & chicken.)
The reason why ( and all this is gonna sound awful) is because there was a granny in the line infront of me, at the lovely looking warm chicken porn counter, at Morrisons.
She unfortunately smelt like wee. (It happens.) Now, normal, kind, appropriate people would get a decent ‘whiff’ of that bit of old granny wee crotch and ignore it with a smile. I shuffle forward. (Here we go.) The ‘whiff’ decides to dance around my little button nose of curiousity. My thoughts are immediately directed to the thought of ‘stale wee.’ I pull an accidental face of disgust. (But not to her face. I mean, I do have manners. I did the smile, nod ‘ooh that chicken looks nice’ face, whilst trying to stop my nose from doing this weird screwy up thingy that it does, when it’s in distress? I’m like an open book. If i don’t like something, my face will reveal my secrets for me and WITHOUT my consent. I’m an embarrassment. Yet that’s why I make good ‘tragic’ tv.)
Then to take the attention off the fact that the granny was smelly. (I enjoy how i’m trying to steal attention and parcel it off as a ‘GOOD DEED.’) I just didn’t like everyone laughing behind her back. It was just not coolio. I felt bad. * Sips pear & elderflower water.* Therefore, i figured I would PRETEND that the smell was coming from ME and that my waters had broken…by the chicken. 🙂
I committed to a ‘Dolly‘ shocked face. Grabbed my crotch. Did the blow up doll, ‘opened mouth’ look and then looked at Loverboy whilst screeching ‘OMG…my waters have broken!!!’ The bad thing about pulling this stunt, for humour, is the fact that, to the people who are not actually emotionally involved with the baby….it’s funny. [Applaud here.] However, to a boy who is the real life ‘FATHER’ of the thing that will poke out, after the breaking of the waters…it’s an absolute REAL LIFE panicky moment of trauma (hhaaha…sorry…not over it yet) dipped in ‘We need to get her to the hospital… NOW.’ I tend to never think about my jokes, before I do them. Yet the forgetting to think, is what makes them funny.You should’ve seen his poor little face of terror!! Hilarious, I tells ya! He really thought that my moment of foolish ‘Look at Me,’ was the birth of his first ever child. HAHAHAHAHA. I don’t know why I still find it funny???
We actually ended up having to buy chicken, just to smooth the panic over. LMAO! I’m never hanging around Grannies who smell like pee again. They get me into trouble! AND I did my back in. 🙂 I enjoy my ‘baby’s due tomorrow’ jiggery pokery. Pete’s extremely senstive, so it’s always funny to terrify him emotionally.
I’m feeling much better today. I woke up bored. But my little totter around town, even though my ankles can really no longer carry my own weight, really perked me up. Well perked me up enough to beable to have dumplings for dinner. I usually have them in my face disguised as boy balls. Not ever as tasty.
My Mum’s coming over for coffee later and my eyelash extensions are drooping off my face. My ‘in belly’ baby, kept me awake all night, by attempting to push it’s way out of my vagina. Made me wake up grumbly and need to put on a preggo nappy.
However, i’m one to always dance along that silver lining. I’m gonna be a Mummy shortly and nothing could be better. We’re having it filmed in Pontefract…so you’ll all get to watch it anyhow. The BBC will be putting their version of it, on the telly & Pete & I will be putting our version of it…on my blog. Can’t wait! Love you.
Oh and before I go…if you’re gonna do a good deed…and know that ‘do gooders’ are greatly awarded…Today’s the day you can save a refugee. Yep an entire LIFE!!!
I did…so why don’t you. Click on the link and get to saving!