Booze flavoured cravings

So why do the majority of the boys i date, say that i need to get a hobby? Lol. I’m not really a whiney girlfriend. I’m one of the playful, easy going sort, until i’m rubbed up the wrong kinda way and lovingly placed onto a mode of ‘firecracker,’ and even that’s FUN! I say majority, but i do actually only mean two. (Yay to exaggeration!) Michael my ex-hubby wanted me to get a hobby. One that didn’t consist of partying, or boys, or people that were boys or anything worth hobbying. I think he had knitting and whales in mind. Then LAST night, at almost midnight, Loverboy suggests i get a hobby and simply because when i’m bored, i become a nuisance and when i’m a happy nuisance, i start playing up and perfoming tricks in order to humour myself, which often ends with me laughing and someone else embarassed. Woohoo! Cinderella was losing her glass slipper (sneaky cow) and planting it in full otuside the ball view before twelve and well Me…little Glamour Puss, Chrissie Wunna, is getting told to get a hobby. Isn’t that code for ‘You annoy me?’

The funny thing about this ‘get a hobby’ malarky, is the fact that the ‘Handsomes’ i date, forget who they are dating. I’m the floozey with the *winky* in my eye. They ARE my HOBBY! Hah. I’ve hobbied boys for ages..and since i realized that i could ‘hair-toss, smile and get one,’ in my old Hollywood days. I’ve always been popular with boys and simply because i love boys. I never really had too many close girl friends, in my twenties. Why would i, when it was the boys who loved me? Yet it’s odd because these days and now that my big 3-0 is approaching. I feel warm and comforted around women and girls. Probably because in the last couple of years boys have terrified me and come at me with their boner’s galore. The ones i’ve recently dated, have been nothing short of weak and well it strengthened a belief that i’ve always had and that is being a WOMAN is soo much BETTER!

Loverboy adores me, but is moving into his new place by next week. It’s kinda of sad because i’ll see him a great deal less. I mean, i like it when boys NEED me. Loverboy moving into his own place sort of waves the flag of independancy….which is a GREAT thing. Yet at the same time means he’ll no longer need me. Usually when i feel boys no longer need me, i strut off in my thong, fur heels, right handed martini and a look backwards, that smiles and feels as though my work there was done. I always say i’m like a floozey guardian angel, full of fun, strength and booze, who accidentally crosses your path JUST when you need her to. You’ll be down in life, or feeling simply low, glance to your right and there i’ll be propping up a bar in sequins, or picking a nice batch of egss in your local supermarket, smelling flowers at the florists, or standing in the Self Help section (eagerly waiting) at Waterstones.

He moves at the weekend, (not very far, but still ‘moves,’) and claims that i can see him one night a week. He also then told me that you can now buy objects that shape your poo into stars! How disgusting! This is what the world has become. Moving away and Star shaped bum litter. (I want tea and can’t have it because there’s a man in my kitchen, who looks like he’s Chinese, chopping up onions with GIANT knives that terrify me. He looks angry. Yet he’s only 5ft 2. I think i can take him? But really…i can’t be bothered. I can’t BLOG without some sort of beverage, these days. Today i need TEA! *Add a GODDAMIT in here.* The reason why i can’t use my boobs to get what i want right now, is sinply because the onion man is my Father.)

God i keep having BOOZE flavoured cravings. I haven’t been able to sleep AT ALl over the last couple of night due to sever tummy ache. Yet when i finally did kip off into drema land and wake up to a 6am conversation with my Mother, who doesn’t seem to realize that I’M ASLEEP at that time. I woke up craving a Corona. I haven’t drank in 4 months. It is disturbing ME. I’ve built a whole career on being drunk. I’m hating every moment of *tee-total* time. I mean, what is there to do? But be Buddhist. I want chips with a side of Corona. Crisps with a side of bitter lemoned Vodka. I want cakes with Baileys. Pork Pies with scotch and Gin with fucking GIN! *Sips her imaginary lemonade.* Life is dull without cocktails. PASS ME MY FUUURRR!!!

Other than all that monkey business of sin. I’ve got to organize a shoot today, fill in my ‘Million Pound Drop’ application and read my whole entire blog through to once again pick out my best bits. (I keep imagining me naked in nothing but a tie for no real reason at all, today? I need to get out of my own head!!)

I’m enjoying boys who have once stated their affection for me months ago, checking in on me to check to see if i’m still with Loverboy. I love that no -one believes i am capable of holding a longterm relationship. They truely believe that he’d either be sick of me by now, or i’ve opted for the ‘do a runner’ card. They check in with mev ia text, bbm, or inbox all innocently. I wrongly think they’re just missing me, when really they’re trying to get into my pants and make me theirs forever. As soon as i mention that i’m still happy and still with Loverboy…they no longer *reply* and sulk for another month. Lol. Men always want to think that they were the best boyfriend you ever had. Or feel as though they can have you back, even if you’re with someone else. *Smiles.* I don’t thinky so! *Evil laughs.* When my relationship with a boy has ended is it USUALLY because they have ill treated me. When i leave, their surroundings seem quieter. It creeps them out. My life ALWAYS moves forward merrily and into a greater chapter. One where i can’t even believe what’s happened to me. Their life seems to stay *stuck.* I don’t know why? But it just does. Michael’s life never stayed *stuck* but because he’s on a mission. I couldn’t be in a better position.

I should really try and make myself a tea now! People shouldn’t come between teh pregnant and her tea! If you come bewteen Me and Anything, you’ll only get felt up. 😉


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