Banchee Cries and Cum Stains

Hi My Lovely Little Pieces of Pie! So I’ve just got done performing my version of Johnny Vegas and Al the Monkeys PG Tips ad, to myself and a fat friend in my kitchen. I didn’t have a furry monkey (Ooh-er,) so i used my fat friend… which proved to be somewhat tedious. She didn’t really deliver her role as ‘monkey’ too well. I was trying to swing her around like a sack of fucking potatoes, at 7.32am to stripper music and make tea…whilst shouting ‘I can’t work with F****** amateurs! Fame costs & this is where you start paying!’ She didn’t really appreciate the little morning bit of fun (oooh) as much i feel she should have. She gave me 10 % commitment out of sheer fear.I think she just wants to find a boyfriend….and munch on whole triangular blocks of Brie. I was like, ‘Don’t make me literally kick some life into you.‘ (Cheese eating surrender monkey!) I don’t understand girls. Drives me up the wall.

Ended up getting tiki cocktails last night and shimmie shaking the wee hours of my life away, in orange tassels. Oh it was divine! Well not at first, as it was just a bunch of not very drunk people too shy to take their tops off and swear. So with a wink and a ‘OOh’ and the natural ability to order people around…i turned it into a magical carnivale of disgusting incest. The place was lit up with fireworks, banchee cries and cum stains. And that was just my face.

Everyone always wants me to be at their party, due to my reputation of  being the ‘life & soul.’ Which is just a decorate way of saying ‘nuisance- whos party conduct will cause  excitement, friction, then hopefully tears.’ I get invited to lot of them and all over the world, with busy hopefuls flipping me a business card (especially in LA) and then using callous threatening behaviour to make me attend their little shindig. (Haha, sorry…i’m cracking up. I just got a message from a guy who wants to ‘cum on girls faces and make them cry.’ Modern day version of Georgy Porgie.) All i’m gonna say is, you can’t invite me to a party and want me to be naughty, then SCORN me for being naughty, at the party!! There’s me being so impressed with myself, giving myself a double pat on the back. And i’m getting yelled at by ‘ Cry Baby Bitch #1’ for making blood related drunks make out! How ungrateful! It was a poxy little knees up anyway! Lol. Cheque please!

I mean, i’m a party girl and my naughtiness gets the better of me. But i’m just making people feel with every cell of their being. LIVE! Play! Have Fun! (Which is the excuse i always use for my Tom Foolery.) I’m just that kinda gal. I’m not at home scrubbing 10 mounds of crusty gussets, crying into a lemsip and being jealous because ‘that girl’ is hotter than me.. That’s not my life. That’s YOURS!

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